Alarums (26 page)

    'There was a real danger that he might,' Bodie said. 'I was worried, too.'

    'Then he left that message under my door. I was petrified. But I thought, I'm not going to let him run my life. I won't let him scare me away. So I went out this morning and bought the shotgun. I'll fix him, right? Just let him come. The shotgun's a magic wand - wave it and I'm safe. Only the thing is, I got back here and I was alone and I was still scared, damn it. But I wasn't going to let him get to me, right? So I go down to the laundry room and some creep puts moves on me and I'm so messed up I think he's the caller. I actually take a knife with me when I go back down. I probably would've stabbed him if he'd shown up again. That would've been real cute. Stab two innocent guys in two days. Maybe I could go down in the Guinness Book of World Records'

    'You shouldn't be so hard on yourself,' Bodie whispered.

    'Oh, you haven't heard the good one yet. Talk about paranoia. When I went to put away my laundry, something wasn't there. A pair of underpants. Neat, huh? My obscene caller snuck into the laundry room and stole my panties. That really freaked me out. He not only knows where I live, but he is here and spying on me, maybe even a tenant in the building, and he's got my goddamn panties. Only here's the thing.' Pen's voice quavered. She turned her head toward Bodie. Strands of hair hung across her face and her eyes were shiny. 'Here's the real corker.' Her chin trembled. 'I was wearing them the whole time. I had 'em on. Nobody stole them. I've been wearing them all day. I've got them on right now.' She made a choking sound that may have been an attempted laugh but came out as a sob. 'How's that for nuts, huh?'

    'Oh, Pen,' he whispered. He stroked her hair.

    Then she was turning, putting her arms around him, weeping with her face against his chest.

    'It's all right,' he said. 'It's all right.' He sank against the cushion, holding her gently. He stroked her hair, her back. She felt big in his arms, broader across the back than Melanie. A breast was pressing against him. He told himself to ignore it. Just holding her gave him a good, warm, comfortable feeling and he didn't want the extra guilt of growing aroused but he couldn't help it.

    'I have to tell you something,' he said, and eased her away.

    She nodded and sniffed, her face close to his, her hands on his sides.

    'This is all my fault,' Bodie said.

    Pen shook as she took a deep breath.

    'Partly my fault, anyway.'

    She had a confused look in her eyes.

    'That caller of yours… he never came here. He made the telephone calls, but he didn't come here. Remember how it took me so long to pick up the pizza last night? I didn't get lost. I stopped by a drugstore and bought a birthday card. I used its envelope. I'm the one who left that message under your door.'

    'No, you didn't. You're just trying to make me feel better.'

    'I'm sorry. It was a dumb trick.'

    'No, you…'

    'I really did it.'

    'Why?'

    'So you wouldn't stay here last night. I heard that guy's voice on the tape. I was afraid… afraid he might come over. I didn't want you to be here alone. And I knew you were frightened about staying and it was just Melanie forcing you into it.'

    Pen stared into his eyes.

    'A dumb trick,' he said again. 'I should have known it would make things worse for you. Hell, I did know. I just didn't care. I wanted you over at the house no matter what.'

    'Because you were worried about me?'

    'Yeah.'

    
Leave it at that,
he warned himself.

    
I've gone this far. I have to finish.

    'And also… because it wasn't fair. You'd asked us to stay with you and I knew we should - it was the right thing to do because you asked first and you really needed us here and I thought we should stay with you but Melanie went and told Joyce we'd stay at her house. She only did it to spite you.'

    'She did it to keep you away from me,' Pen said.

    'I know. I didn't want me away from you.'

    'Oh, Bodie.'

    'Well-'

    'I guess it's not much of a surprise,' Pen said.

    'Happens all the time,' he said. 'Melanie shows up with a boyfriend and he falls all over you. I know I'm a jerk. We'll be gone in the morning, and that'll be the end of it.'

    She curled a warm hand behind his neck. 'The end of it,' she whispered. 'I know. Tonight's our… Those tablets I gave Melanie before we ate? They weren't aspirin. They were sleeping pills. Strong ones. She won't be getting up tonight.'

    'My God.'

    'I was afraid she might try to sneak out later,' Pen said. "That's why I did it. Not for this. Not so we could be alone.'

    Bodie shook his head.

    'It's no worse than you writing that note, is it?'

    'Better,' he heard himself say. 'A lot better. We're quite a tricky pair, you and me.'

    'I'm not proud of drugging her, but… I'm going to miss you so much, Bodie.' She lifted her face to him and they kissed.

    
We shouldn't,
he thought.

    Pen's mouth was warm and moist.

    He felt giddy. He felt like a high school kid somehow miraculously being kissed by the one girl he'd been longing for, the girl admired only from a distance and daydreamed about. It seemed unreal.

    He put his arms around her. She sank against him, pressing him into the cushion.

    
Oh, this is real.

    Her weight on him was real. Her breasts pushing against his chest were real. And her mouth, open against his, and her tongue, and her breath going into him.

    Pen's mouth eased away. His lips were wet. She stared at him, her eyes moving a fraction from side to side. He felt as if he could see into them, but not deeply enough. He wanted to look into her mind, to be inside with her thoughts and feelings.

    'What are we gonna do?' she whispered.

    'About what?'

    'Us.' Her eyes, so close to his, kept moving just a bit, looking from his left eye to his right and back again.

    'What do you want to do?' he asked.

    'It's not that simple.'

    'Why not?'

    'I can't hurt her, Bodie. I won't.'

    'She's asleep. You said…'

    'What about after tonight?'

    Bodie's heart sped up.

    'We'll work something out,' he said. His voice sounded as desperate as he felt.

    'How?'

    'I don't know.'

    'Neither do I,' Pen said. She leaned forward against him, her forehead resting in the curve of his neck. He stroked her back.

    'I can't lose you. All my life I've been hoping that someday…'

    'Pen and Bodie sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.'

    Pen lurched in his arms.

    

    

    Beyond the doorway, barely visible in the darkness of the hall, stood Melanie.

    

    

    Melanie dug a hand into a pocket of her corduroy pants. The hand came out with two pills in its palm. 'I knew they weren't aspirin,' she said, her voice flat. She stared at Pen with blank eyes. 'You gave me sleeping pills. So you could have the night with Bodie. So you could seduce him.'

    'Oh, man,' Bodie muttered.

    'That's not the reason,' Pen said. 'I was afraid you'd sneak out and go after Harrison.'

    'Slut,' Melanie said calmly.

    'Mel!' Bodie snapped.

    Her head turned slowly toward him. 'What?' she asked.

    'Don't talk that way. She's on your side. We both are.'

    'You want me out of the way.'

    'Don't be crazy.'

    A placid, humorless smile curled Melanie's lips.

    
My God,
Pen thought,
what have we done to her?

    Bodie turned to Pen. 'We'd better leave,' he said. 'I don't think we should wait for morning. I'll take her back now.'

    'Yeah.'

    'We can't leave,' Melanie said. 'You haven't fucked her yet. You have to fuck her. Everyone has to fuck her.' The mild way she said it, smiling, made goose-bumps crawl up Pen's back.

    Bodie stood up. He stepped around the coffee table, passed in front of Melanie, and picked up the two suitcases he had left near the wall after bringing them up from the van. Melanie, standing motionless, followed him with an empty gaze.

    Pen got to her feet. She removed the chair from under the knob and opened the door.

    Bodie looked at her with such agony that she wanted to throw her arms around him. 'It'll be all right,' he said.

    'I don't think so.'

    'She'll get over this once we're away.'

    Will she? Pen thought. I won't, and neither will you.

    'Come on, Melanie,' he said gently.

    She walked toward him, her dead eyes staying on Pen. 'First came love,' she chanted in a low voice, 'then came marriage, then came Penny with a baby carriage.'

    'Bye,' Bodie said.

    She nodded.

    Then they were out the door. Stepping onto the balcony, Pen watched her sister follow Bodie to the stairs and down. When they were out of sight, she heard the courtyard gate squeak open and shut. She folded her arms over her breasts for warmth against the night chill. She pressed her bare legs together. She clamped her teeth shut so they wouldn't click.

    Then came the faint sound of Bodie's van starting up.

    
That's it,
she thought.
They're going.

    'Hey babe, I'll warm you up,' Manny called out his door.

    She didn't feel annoyed or threatened. She felt nothing about him. He didn't matter.

    Stepping inside her apartment, she closed the door. She slipped the guard chain into place and looked at the chair she had used earlier to brace the door shut.

    
Why bother?

    She wasn't afraid. She thought vaguely that she should be pleased she was no longer afraid, but she just didn't care.

    She plugged her kitchen telephone back into the wall.

    
Let the bastard call,
she thought.
He can't hurt me. Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words…

    
Pen and Bodie sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.

    
Words can never hurt me.

    
How could everything have gone so wrong?

    
They're gone. I'll never see Bodie again. Melanie hates my guts. She thinks I… she's right.

    
Bodie. Oh, God, Bodie.

    She wandered into her bedroom and turned on the light. She wanted to lie down, to sleep, to forget.

    
Not even nine o'clock
.

    Nine. They'd missed visiting hours at the hospital.

    She had hardly even given her father a thought, today.

    
I'll go see him tomorrow,
she promised herself.

    In the bathroom, she brushed her teeth and washed her face. She returned to her bedroom. She took off her clothes, her panties last.

    Sitting on the edge of the bed, she held the panties in her hands.

    
Nobody took them. All in my head.

    
We have nothing to fear but ourselves.

    She dropped them to the floor, turned off the lamp, and crawled between the sheets of her bed. The sheets were cool at first on her naked body, then warm.

    She thought about Bodie driving through the night, Melanie silent in the passenger seat. Was he trying to apologize? Would Melanie listen? Or was she too far gone, lost in a private world of pain?

    
Don't feel too sorry for her,
Pen thought.
Bodie and I, we've got our own world of pain, and all because we didn't want to hurt her.

    
But we did.

    
We hurt her good. Ourselves, too.

    
Goddamn it.

    
Why didn't she take the pills!

    
Maybe it's best this way. If she'd stayed asleep, Bodie and I… we would've ended up making love.

    
Probably.

    
No probably.

    
Don't think about it. Just don't think.

    She drew the extra pillow down and hugged it tightly to her breasts.

    She remembered the feel of kissing him.

    

    

    The needle on Bodie's gas gauge showed that he was down to a quarter of a tank. He was driving south on Robertson Boulevard. If he remembered correctly, he was only a couple of miles from the on-ramp to the Santa Monica Freeway. Once on the freeway, stopping for gas would be a lot of trouble.

    As he waited at a traffic light, he saw a self-service station on the other side of the intersection.

    The light turned green. He rolled through the intersection and swung into the station. He stopped beside the pumps. He took his key from the ignition. Twisting around, he peered into the dark rear of the van and said, 'I'll be back in a minute.'

    Melanie didn't answer.

    What if she's not back there?

    She has to be. Bodie knew he would've heard the rear doors open if she had tried to sneak out.

    But he wondered.

    Turning on the light, he saw Melanie stretched out flat on the sleeping bag, her hands folded on her belly. 'Are you all right?' he asked.

    She said nothing. She didn't move.

    'Don't worry about it,' he said. 'Okay? Nothing happened between me and Pen. There's no point brooding over it.'