[Alaskan Quest 02] - Under the Northern Lights (18 page)

‘‘I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about. I’ve only worked to see justice done.’’

‘‘You’ve worked for revenge. You’ve worked to prove something to yourself and to your brother. I’m not even sure you know what it is you’re trying to prove, but it drives you on—and God help the man or woman who gets in your way.’’

Helaina felt the words stab deep into her heart. Was this truly how Leah perceived her? How others perceived her? ‘‘You don’t understand—’’ ‘‘Nor do I want to,’’ Leah interrupted. ‘‘I spent far too long trying to understand. Trying to forgive you and give the matter over to God. I tried to pray for you, to help you get well, and now I have to contend with your condemnation once again.’’

‘‘I’m not condemning you. I merely wished that you hadn’t left Chase behind.’’ Helaina’s words came out rather stilted. ‘‘I might have a different way of doing what I think to be right, but that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate your position.’’

‘‘It’s not my position that worries me now,’’ Leah replied, securing her braid. ‘‘My husband is out there facing that monster. Jayce is a kindhearted, loving man who has labored with the decision to track down his own flesh and blood. You only care about getting the job done, but my husband has to face that he’s sending his own brother—his twin brother—to his death. Imagine someone asking—no, demanding—that you send Stanley to his death.’’

Helaina felt tears come to her eyes. Leah was right. She hadn’t really cared about Jayce’s feelings or how it might affect him to hunt down his brother like some kind of rabid dog.

‘‘I’m sorry,’’ she whispered.

Leah looked at her for a moment and shook her head. ‘‘Sorry doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t bring Jayce back here safely, and it doesn’t return the things that have been lost or stolen in this.’’

Helaina had no idea what Leah meant, but she tried to ease the tension. ‘‘Look, sorry may seem to just be an empty word to you, but I truly mean it. I’m not one to offer it lightly. I know I’ve been demanding in this matter, but look at the harm Chase has done. Do you want to be responsible for his continuing to kill and wound? I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t at least try to see to his capture.’’

‘‘There are a lot of things I can’t live with,’’ Leah replied in an eerie calm that unnerved Helaina even more. Leah grabbed her parka and left the tent without another word.

Helaina, much to her own surprise, burst into tears and buried her face in her hands. ‘‘What have I done? What do I do now?’’

Leah felt as though a noose had tightened around her neck. Every word, every thought that had been exchanged with Helaina had drained Leah’s sanity and energy. She hated herself for the things she’d said, for purposefully trying to make Helaina feel the same depth of pain that she herself felt.

‘‘I would be better off dead,’’ she whispered as she stalked off away from camp. She looked to the skies overhead. ‘‘Why not just kill me? Why must I suffer more? You’ve proven your point. You’ve shown me how wretched I am. I already believed it. I’d already asked for your help and deliverance, and here I am—angry and ugly. It’s no use for me to go on. I can’t be helped this time.’’ She began to cry, the tears that she’d held back on the trail refusing to abate.

Leah fell to her knees. She pounded her fists against her thighs and let out an anguished sob. It was all just so hopeless. How could she ever be alone with Jayce and not see his brother and remember what he had done to her? Those memories would never fade—they were permanently planted in her mind like hidden dynamite that would go off when she least expected it.

Her nature had fought against the anguish and sorrow in order to survive, but Leah no longer wanted to survive. What was the point? If she couldn’t love Jayce and give herself to him without fear of the past, what was the sense in living?

Chapter Sixteen

H
elaina heard someone come into the tent and presumed Leah had come back to continue her attack. Looking up, she was surprised to find Jacob instead. ‘‘What are you doing here?’’

‘‘I heard you crying. What’s wrong?’’ He knelt down beside her. ‘‘Are you feeling worse?’’

‘‘I feel terrible, but not because of my health.’’ She wiped her eyes with her hands. ‘‘Your sister thinks I’m a horrible person.’’

‘‘Leah said that?’’

‘‘Well, not exactly that.’’ Helaina looked away and tried not to remember what Leah had said about Jacob loving her. She saw no proof of that, and she figured now that Leah had been lying in order to worry Chase.

‘‘Then what did she say?’’

Helaina bit at her lower lip. She wasn’t entirely sure she wanted to have this conversation. A part of her reasoned that Jacob might offer comfort, but at the same time another part suggested that he might confirm Leah’s statement.

‘‘Please tell me. I want to help if I can,’’ Jacob said, reaching for her hand.

Helaina pulled back quickly. ‘‘She said I was selfish. She said that I was the cause of all of this.’’ She waved her hand. ‘‘She blames me for everything—for her being kidnapped, for Jayce being forced to go after his brother, for . . . for . . . everything.’’ The tears came again. ‘‘I only did my job. I only did what I thought was right. No one seems to understand my motivation. . . . my reasoning in this.’’

Jacob sat cross-legged a few feet away but said nothing. It was almost as if he needed to hear more before he could comment.

‘‘I know that no one wanted me to leave Seattle alone, but I had to show Stanley that I was still trustworthy and capable. He had given me a job to do, and I had done it fairly well to that point. After all, I’m the one who figured out that Jayce Kincaid was not the man we were after.’’

‘‘That was a good thing, Helaina, but had you just talked to some of the rest of us—even questioned Jayce himself—you probably would have learned that without having to send us all the way to Seattle.’’

‘‘But that’s not how things are done in apprehending criminals. All criminals suggest they are innocent. Every man or woman who ever broke the law has some excuse as to why it wasn’t their fault or why they shouldn’t be charged.’’ She pushed back her long blond hair, wishing fervently she’d at least attempted to attend to it before Jacob’s arrival. It had been so long since she’d had a bath or any chance to clean up. She knew she must appear a frightful mess. Perhaps that was why Jacob looked at her with what seemed a suspicious expression.

‘‘Even guilty,’’ she continued, ‘‘Jayce Kincaid would have declared that he had nothing to do with those crimes, and his statements would have been no different than any other criminal I’ve helped to apprehend. So you see, it isn’t quite as easy as you’d like to believe. I had a job to do, and I did it.’’

‘‘All right, so we set aside your deception from last summer and focus on Seattle,’’ Jacob said softly. ‘‘Your brother relieved you of your job. He forbade you to go to Nome. Yet you disregarded his decisions and went ahead on your own. You didn’t even wait for us.’’

Helaina realized she couldn’t deny his words. She thought for a moment. It suddenly seemed very important that she make him understand. ‘‘Have you never felt responsible for something? Something that you had to see through to completion?’’

‘‘Of course.’’

‘‘Well, this was no different. I knew Stanley had relieved me because he felt the job too arduous for me. Perhaps he even felt that I wasn’t as cunning and smart as Chase Kincaid.’’

‘‘You know that isn’t true. He took you off the job because he finally came to his senses and realized you could be killed in the process.’’

Helaina painfully got to her knees. ‘‘But he knew that from the beginning. He was always nervous about sending me, but Chase had already defeated several agents. He’d nearly killed Stanley, so he knew something had to be done. He figured Chase would never expect a woman.’’

‘‘No doubt that was true,’’ Jacob replied. ‘‘But it wasn’t sensible. Chase is much too dangerous . . . as you’ve learned the hard way.’’

‘‘So you think Leah is right? You think I’m just selfish and self-centered?’’ She felt tears stream down her cheeks and hated herself for such weakness.

Jacob looked to the floor. ‘‘I think you were wrong.’’

‘‘Explain yourself.’’

He lifted his gaze to meet her eyes. ‘‘I think you acted out of a desire to accomplish something for yourself. You were motivated not by justice, but by a need to fulfill some imaginary mark you had set for yourself.’’

‘‘It wasn’t imaginary and it wasn’t just for me,’’ Helaina argued. ‘‘Chase is a dangerous man who needs to be stopped. I felt responsible—I needed to finish the job. I wish you could understand that.’’

‘‘I wish you could understand my point of view on this as well.’’

She looked at him questioningly and sank back to her pallet. ‘‘What do you mean?’’ She suddenly felt drained of all energy. Her illness had definitely taken its toll.

Jacob didn’t answer right away, and for several minutes Helaina thought he might refuse to speak. Finally, just when she’d given up hope, he began.

‘‘I don’t think Leah has a right to put this all off on you. However, I do believe Leah innocent of any wrongdoing. I don’t think you have a right to blame her for not apprehending Chase. It wasn’t her obligation or desire. She was afraid for her safety and for yours. She knew that without proper treatment you would die. You do realize that, don’t you?’’

‘‘I know I was sick, but I’ve always had a strong constitution. I would have recovered.’’

Jacob shook his head. ‘‘Do you honestly think you’re invincible? That you’ll live forever? Because without accepting that Jesus died for your sins and that He wants you to repent of those sins and turn to God, you can’t live forever.’’

She stiffened. The last thing she had expected was a sermon. ‘‘I asked you if you believed your sister was right in calling me selfish and self-centered. I didn’t ask for a theological discussion.’’

Jacob looked sadder than Helaina had ever seen him. She instantly regretted her words but knew there was no way to take them back. She opened her mouth to speak, but Jacob beat her to it.

‘‘I don’t want to have a theological discussion either. You know, I feel sorry for you, Helaina. People care about you—genuinely care—but you push them away because you’re terrified of being disappointed . . . hurt. God genuinely cares, too, but you’ve lumped Him in with the rest. You’re afraid He’ll disappoint you as well.’’

‘‘This isn’t about God. It’s about your sister.’’

‘‘No. It’s about you.’’

Leah fell asleep despite the rough ride. In her dreams she saw Jayce and couldn’t help but feel joy at his affection. He told her how much he loved her, but as Leah started to reply, his image faded. Soon there were other faces. Ayoona and Oopick, Jacob and Karen. Leah felt as though they were all trying to tell her something, but she couldn’t make out the words. It was as if they all spoke a language she couldn’t understand.

Then the dream shifted and Leah was a little girl running in the mountains. She felt free and exhilarated by the mountain air. She thought for a moment she might lift right up into the air and fly. It was a marvelous sensation.

‘‘Leah?’’

She knew that voice. Turning, Leah found her mother. She smiled and waved. ‘‘I’m here, Mama.’’

Her mother smiled. ‘‘Leah, do not forget who loves you.’’

‘‘I won’t forget, Mama. Look, I’ve picked you some flowers.’’ Leah held out the bouquet, but the blossoms withered and blew away. She frowned. ‘‘They used to be beautiful. Now they’re ruined.’’ Leah began to cry. ‘‘I’m ruined too.’’

‘‘No, Leah. You aren’t ruined. You are beautiful, and you are loved. No one can change that.’’ The voice was no longer her mother’s; rather, it was a deep, comforting voice that seemed to come from the skies. Could it be God?

‘‘But Chase did those horrible things to me,’’ she sobbed, suddenly seeing herself as a grown woman in rags. ‘‘Look at me. He’s destroyed me.’’

‘‘Chase had no power to make you, and he has no power to destroy you, Leah. You have already chosen who holds power over you. Remember?’’

Leah awoke with a start. For a minute she feared everyone in the party had experienced the same voice she had heard. She pushed aside the furs and came up from her place in the sled. Buried there in her warm cocoon, no one knew whether she was awake or asleep. She glanced over her shoulder to John. She had chosen his sled so that Helaina could ride in Jacob’s. John didn’t seem to even notice her there. No one paid her any mind.

No one had heard the voice. She realized she was panting and eased back into the furs. Could the words have come from God?

The bitter pain that had hardened her heart felt lessened.

‘‘Chase had no power to make you, and he has no power to destroy you,
Leah. You have already chosen who holds power over you. Remember?’’
She heard the words echo in her head as though they were being freshly spoken.

‘‘Chase has no power over me unless I give it to him,’’ Leah murmured. Her heart picked up speed. ‘‘I know who holds power over me.’’ A tiny spark of hope began to burn. Chase had only touched her physically because he had imposed that upon her. She had no choice. But she was allowing him to touch her spiritually and emotionally, and she had a choice in that.

‘‘I won’t give him that power,’’ she whispered. ‘‘I won’t give him that part of me.’’ The words gave her renewed strength. The shackles seemed to fall away. The ember of hope burst into a flame. ‘‘I’m not ruined.’’ Tears fell hot against her cheeks. ‘‘I’m not ruined.’’

Later that night, Leah felt she had to face Helaina again. She had hoped Helaina could stay by herself so Leah could share Jacob’s tent, but Jacob insisted the women stay together. Knowing this, Leah knew she had to apologize for having lost her temper.

‘‘I’ve brought you supper,’’ she said as she came into the tent.

Helaina looked up. ‘‘What is it?’’

Leah put the tin plate on the floor in front of her. ‘‘Reindeer stew. It’s the last of the meat. John and one of the other men plan to scout ahead and hunt. I’ll be driving John’s sled tomorrow.’’

‘‘It smells good,’’ Helaina admitted and sat up to eat.