[Alaskan Quest 02] - Under the Northern Lights (34 page)

‘‘But if you die, you’ll leave your son an orphan. Would it not be better for him to at least have a father than to be without both mother and father?’’

One of the twins began to fuss and Latimore took this as his cue to exit. ‘‘I will wait for your husband outside. We sail with the tide.’’

Leah watched the man hurry from the house. He wanted no part of answering her question or of seeing her children.

‘‘Such a sad man,’’ she murmured, making her way to the tiny box bed where her babies slept.

She found Wills awake and quite angry. He was wet and hungry, as usual. Leah changed him, using diapers she’d borrowed from Emma. ‘‘There you are, little man. Now come and get your fill while your sister sleeps.’’

It was there, feeding her son, that Jayce found her. He smiled from the doorway and simply watched her for a moment. ‘‘This is the image I will take with me to the north. My daughter sleeping soundly and my wife nourishing our son.’’

Leah smiled. ‘‘I’m certain there will be many such scenes.’’

He frowned. ‘‘And I shall miss them.’’

‘‘You won’t be gone forever. Wills and Merry will still be quite small when you return in September.’’

He came to sit beside her. ‘‘And we might be back as early as the latter weeks of August.’’ Jayce reached out to touch his son’s downy hair. ‘‘He’s so small. It amazes me that we all start out this way.’’ He looked up, their faces only inches apart. ‘‘I still battle against myself about going.’’

‘‘You need to go,’’ Leah countered. ‘‘I know that this is important to you, and if you do not go, I fear you will always regret it. And in turn, you may come to resent the children . . . and me.’’

‘‘Never. You’re my life. I cherish you as I do my next breath.’’

He grinned. ‘‘I should tell the captain that I need larger quarters and bring all of you with me.’’

‘‘I doubt Captain Latimore would agree to that. The man is bearing a terrible burden of grief. He has sent his son away to live with his sister and believes his life is not to be long on this earth. That troubles me because I fear he will endanger the lives of his men if he has no concern for his own life.’’

‘‘Even if that is the case, Jacob and I are strong capable men. If need be we’ll reason with the man and help him to see the truth. Pray for us while we’re gone, and I’m sure things will work together.’’

‘‘I haven’t stopped praying since you and Jacob decided to go forward with this adventure,’’ she admitted. With Wills satisfied, she placed him in the crib with his sister.

‘‘When the innes begin to flood, you will go to the mission house and stay with Sigrid, won’t you?’’

She smiled. ‘‘I’ve already promised you that I would. You worry too much.’’

He laughed. ‘‘It’s usually me telling you that very thing. Still, I guess I can’t help but be worried. You are my responsibility, and now there are three of you. If there are storms or other problems, I won’t be here to help.’’

‘‘Nor will I be there to help you when problems come,’’ Leah said softly. ‘‘Oh, Jayce, for years I mourned losing you. I won’t mourn your departure this time. Before, there wasn’t even the hope that you would return, but now I know without a doubt that you’ll come back to me.’’

He took her in his arms and peered down at her. Leah sometimes still remembered the awful things Chase did to her when looking into his eyes, but the memories were fewer and fewer. Jayce had been a most compassionate, tender husband whose mercies knew no limits. He had never rushed her to intimacy, and in fact had offered her nothing but his undying patience throughout her pregnancy. She couldn’t begin to put into words what that meant to her.

‘‘I know you’ve come to tell me good-bye,’’ she said softly, ‘‘but I wish you would not say the words. I’d rather hear that you love me—that you’ll be thinking of us.’’

‘‘Every minute of every day. Probably to distraction.’’

She laughed. ‘‘I don’t want that. I wouldn’t want you failing to pay attention to some detail and find yourself overboard.’’

He put his hand to her cheek in a tender fashion. ‘‘I promise I will not fall overboard.’’ He kissed her forehead. ‘‘I love you so very much. We’ve been through a great deal, I know. But we’ve faced it together, and after years of bearing such sorrows on my own, I can honestly say that it is so much easier to walk through life with someone at your side.

‘‘When Chase . . . took you away—when he . . . hurt you—I feared that I had lost you forever. That I would have to go back to living a lonely existence after finally knowing what was missing in my life. I cannot tell you how I struggled with that. I knew I couldn’t impose myself upon you and force you to deal with a constant reminder of the man who had done those awful things, but neither could I lose you.’’

‘‘You’ll never lose me.’’ She put her hand against his. ‘‘It hasn’t been easy. I won’t pretend it has. I know that we agreed you are the father of these children, but it seems that Satan can use this one thing to disrupt me more than anything else. But I am trying, and I’m fighting against such disparaging thoughts.’’

Jayce leaned down and kissed her nose. ‘‘You are a strong and incredible woman, Leah Barringer Kincaid. I will pray that you never stop fighting such lies. I am the father of our children— only me—always me.’’

He kissed her soundly on the mouth, his arms wrapped around her in a protective embrace. Leah found no fear in his touch and momentarily lost herself in the memory of their first kiss.
There is
nothing of Chase in this man,
she reminded herself.
Nothing of the pain
and sorrow that I once associated with the name Jayce Kincaid. There is only
love
.

‘‘Did you hear me?’’

‘‘Hmm?’’ She opened her eyes and sighed.

He laughed and put her at arm’s length. ‘‘You weren’t even listening to me.’’

Leah straightened rather indignantly. ‘‘I was busy.’’

‘‘I suppose I’ll let it go . . . this time.’’ He walked to where the babies slept and shook his head. ‘‘I can’t get over having two at once.’’

‘‘Wait just a minute—what did you say that was so important?’’ Leah asked.

‘‘Hmm? Oh that.’’ He turned with a nonchalant shrug. ‘‘I merely said that I loved you—that I would love you forever.’’

She frowned. ‘‘Oh. That.’’ She couldn’t hold the look, however, and began to giggle. ‘‘I love you, too, and I shall count the days and hours until you come home to me—to us.’’

Jayce carried that moment with him as the ship weighed anchor and steamed away from Last Chance. He didn’t bother to stand at the rail and wave good-bye. He knew from their agreement that Leah wouldn’t be on the shore.

‘‘I’m a fool,’’ he told Jacob as he stretched out on the bed in their cabin. ‘‘I shouldn’t be leaving them.’’

Jacob looked at him for a moment, then shook his head. ‘‘So why are you going, then?’’

Jayce consider the question. ‘‘Because your sister is wiser than both of us put together. She knows this trip is important to me. I think it’s possible she understands me better than I understand myself. It’s at her insistence I go.’’

‘‘I know how Leah can be,’’ Jacob admitted. ‘‘She is wise. Maybe the time apart will do you both good. It will give her extra time for healing. You know what they say about the heart and being absent.’’

‘‘Indeed.’’ He laced his fingers behind his head. ‘‘For my heart is already fonder of her, and we’ve barely begun our journey.’’

Jacob threw a pillow at Jayce, hitting him full in the face. ‘‘I’m not going to room with some lovesick cow the whole trip. Let me know now if this is how it’s to be and I’ll go sleep with the dogs.’’

Jayce laughed and tossed the pillow back to Jacob. ‘‘I’m a new father; you must indulge me. I will miss many things in the months to come.’’

‘‘Yes. Dirty diapers and colicky stomachs,’’ Jacob said, counting them off on his fingers. ‘‘Crying in the middle of the night to eat, and crying to be held when they feel neglected. I tell you what: In keeping with your new fatherhood and all the things you will miss, I shall put you in charge of the dogs. They have messes to clean and whine when they need to be fed. It will be just like caring for infants.’’

‘‘Ha-ha,’’ Jayce said, closing his eyes. ‘‘I am so very touched by your compassion. I shall remember it in my letter home to your sister. No doubt it will deepen her regard for you, just as it has mine.’’

Chapter Twenty-nine

A
fter a brief encounter with a very busy and preoccupied Stanley, Helaina found herself safely ensconced in her New York estate. In this house—mansion, really—Helaina had known many pleasant memories. She tried to find comfort in that as she moved in silence from room to room. For weeks now she’d tried to readjust herself to this once-familiar setting. Everything was just as she’d left it. Having wired ahead to let Mrs. Hayworth know of her return, Helaina found that the furniture had been uncovered, the dust dealt with, and the windows freshly washed. The entire house smelled of oil and polish.

New York society was also as she had left it. They ushered her back with open arms, although there was an underlying attitude that hinted of a mother scolding her wayward child. Helaina found herself making the circuit, explaining her travels much as she might explain her misguided purchase of property in an unfashionable neighborhood.

Some of the men immediately began to fawn over her, telling Helaina what a drudge their life had been without her in the city. Others suggested a desire to come calling, which Helaina quickly declined, much to their disappointment.

There were parties and teas at which she was made the guest of honor and could not refuse to attend. Much of New York had taken their leave to cooler, less hectic climes, but many of the old guard remained and took it as their personal responsibility to see Helaina properly fitted back into society. To Helaina it was all rather mundane and exhausting.

The house, Helaina thought, seemed larger than she’d remembered. Now as she walked its hallowed halls, she felt a sense of sadness wash over her. She was queen over her domain, but it was a very empty domain, and she was a very lonely queen.

She walked into the main receiving parlor. The room was some thirty feet long and twenty feet wide. Fitted with heavy gold damask, the floor-to-ceiling windows allowed a great deal of light to brighten the otherwise dark room. Helaina smiled as she thought of the blinding bright sunlight she’d known in Alaska. It was easy for a person to lose their vision, at least temporarily, from overexposure to sun on snow.

Helaina touched her hand to the ornately carved table. Here, delicate silver frames displayed photographs of her family. She couldn’t help but pick up the picture of Robert. The side view of her mustached and serious-faced husband did not do justice to the fun-loving soul she had known.

‘‘So many things have changed,’’ she told him. ‘‘You would hardly recognize me.’’

‘‘Am I interrupting?’’

Helaina looked up to find Mrs. Hayworth.

‘‘Cook said you wanted to see me,’’ the housekeeper added.

Helaina smiled. ‘‘Yes. We haven’t had a chance to sit and talk since I arrived home. I thought if you had a moment . . .’’

Mrs. Hayworth smiled. ‘‘Of course, deary. You know I always have time for you.’’

Helaina crossed to one of the brocade sofas. Her plum-colored silk day dress swirled gently at her ankles. It was a marvelous piece, one that made Helaina feel glamorous. ‘‘I have missed our talks.’’

‘‘Truly?’’ Mrs. Hayworth took a seat on the sofa opposite Helaina’s. ‘‘It touches me to hear you say that.’’

‘‘Well, it’s true. I know I was unbearable at times, and for that I must apologize. I know that you were only trying to help me in my grief.’’ Mrs. Hayworth nodded, and Helaina continued. ‘‘I’ve had a remarkable year to be sure, but perhaps the most important part is that I have come to understand God’s love for me.’’

‘‘Oh my. It’s what I have prayed for.’’ Mrs. Hayworth leaned forward. ‘‘Please tell me what happened.’’

Helaina thought back to the first time she’d met Jacob. ‘‘I met a man and his sister.’’ She began her story and tried to cover all of the important details. Mrs. Hayworth was her captive audience, just as Helaina had known she would be.

‘‘I kept hearing some of the same things you had told me, repeated in their conversations. For the longest time, however, I couldn’t reconcile it with what I felt was true. I felt the law should be observed at all cost, but Jacob and Leah taught me about mercy. Mercy that extended to me, even though I didn’t deserve it. In fact, I’m sorry to say that my actions caused that sweet family much grief.’’

‘‘But even that can be forgiven,’’ Mrs. Hayworth interjected. ‘‘I’m sure such loving folk would never hold you a grudge.’’

‘‘No, Jacob and Leah don’t hold me a grudge,’’ Helaina said, feeling rather sad. ‘‘Leah was somewhat vexed with me for a time, but knowing the truth of all that happened to her, I cannot blame her. Still, I have her forgiveness, and she has mine. Although truly there was nothing I needed to forgive.’’

She sighed and leaned back, feeling the tight constriction of her stylish new elastic corset. Despite the freedom offered by the rubber webbing, Helaina had not worn such restricting undergarments in Alaska. She found the missing liberty to be quite a loss.

‘‘You seem troubled, if you don’t mind my saying so,’’ Mrs. Hayworth offered.

‘‘I suppose I am. I feel . . . well . . . misplaced. Does that sound odd to you?’’

The older woman smiled. ‘‘Not at all. Your old life here may seem in conflict with your new life in Christ.’’

Helaina nodded and leaned forward again. ‘‘Yes. Yes, that’s exactly the problem. Remember the party I attended the night before last?’’

‘‘The one given by the Chesterfields?’’

‘‘Yes, that’s the one. I remembered them as having the most incredible gatherings. Food and orchestras to rival the best families in New York. I remember the witty dialogue and the pleasure of simply being seen in my elegant clothes and jewelry. But it wasn’t the same. It didn’t satisfy me at all. Yet, while I was gone, New York and my life here were all I could think on.’’

‘‘The greener grass,’’ Mrs. Hayworth said with a chuckle. ‘‘While you were in one pasture, another seemed better.’’