Alias Grace (44 page)

The last thing I did was to take off the clothes I’d been wearing that day; and I put on one of Nancy‘s dresses, the pale one with the white ground and the small floral print, which was the same one she had on the first day I came to Mr. Kinnear’s. And I put on her petticoat with the lace edging, and my own spare clean petticoat, and Nancy’s summer shoes of light-coloured leather, which I had so often admired, although they did not fit very well. And also her good straw bonnet; and I took her light cashmere shawl, although I did not think I would need to wear it, as the night was warm. And I put some rose-water behind my ears and on my wrists, from the bottle of it on her dresser; and the smell of it was a comfort of sorts.

Then I put on a clean apron, and stirred up the fire in the summer kitchen stove, which still had some embers left in it, and burnt my own clothes; I didn’t like the thought of wearing them ever again, as they would remind me of things I wished to forget. It may have been my fancy, but a smell went up from them like scorching meat; and it was like my own dirtied and cast-off skin that I was burning.

While I was doing this, McDermott came in, and said he was ready, and why was I wasting time. I told him I could not find my large white kerchief, the one with the blue flowers on it, and that I needed it to keep the sun off my neck, while we would be crossing the Lake on the ferry the following day. At that he laughed in an astonished way, and said it was downstairs in the cellar, keeping the sun off Nancy‘s neck; as I ought to remember, seeing as how I myself had pulled it tight and tied the knot. At this I was very shocked; but did not wish to contradict him, as it is dangerous to contradict mad people. So I said I had forgot.

It was about eleven o’clock at night when we set out; a beautiful night, with enough of a breeze to be cooling, and not too many mosquitoes. There was half a moon, and I couldn’t remember whether it was waxing or waning; and as we went down the driveway between the rows of maples and past the orchard, I looked behind me, and saw the house standing there all peaceful and lighted up by the moonlight, as if it was gently glowing. And I thought, who would guess from looking at it what lies within. And then I sighed, and readied myself for the long drive.

We went quite slowly, even though Charley knew the road; but he knew also that this was not his true driver, and that there was something amiss; for several times he stopped, and would not go forward until urged with the whip. But when we’d gone several miles along the road, and were past the places that he knew best, he settled into it; and along we went, past the fields all silent and silvery, and the snake fences like darker braid alongside, with the bats flickering overhead, and the dense patches where there was woodland; and once an owl crossed our path, as pale and soft as a moth.

At first I was afraid we would meet someone we knew, and they would ask where we were going on such a furtive errand; but there was not a living soul. And James became bolder and more cheerful, and started talking about what we would do when we reached the States, and how he would sell the things, and buy a small farm, and then we would be independent; and if we did not have enough money at first, we would hire ourselves out as servants, and save up our pay. And I said neither yes nor no, as I did not intend to stay with him any more than a minute, once we were safe across the Lake and among people.

But after a time he fell silent, and there was only the sound of Charley’s hooves on the road, and the rustling of the slight wind. I thought I might jump down from the wagon, and run off into the woods; but knew I would not get far, and even if I did, I would then be eaten by the bears and wolves. And I thought, I am riding through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, as it says in the Psalm; and I attempted to fear no evil, but it was very hard, for there was evil in the wagon with me, like a sort of mist. So I tried to think about something else. And I looked up at the sky, which did not have a cloud in it, and was filled with stars; and it seemed so close I could touch it, and so delicate I could put my hand right through it, like a spiderweb spangled with dewdrops.

But then as I looked, a part of it began to wrinkle up, like the skin on scalding milk; but harder and more brittle, and pebbled, like a dark beach, or like black silk crepe; and then the sky was only a thin surface, like paper, and it was being singed away. And behind it was a cold blackness; and it was not Heaven or even Hell that I was looking at, but only emptiness. This was more frightening than anything I could think of, and I prayed silently to God to forgive my sins; but what if there was no God to forgive me? And then I reflected that perhaps it was the outer darkness, with the wailing and the gnashing of teeth, where God was not. And as soon as I had this thought, the sky closed over again, like water after you have thrown a stone; and was again smooth and unbroken, and filled with stars.

But all the time the moon was descending, and the wagon was moving along. And gradually I became drowsy, and the night air was cool, so I drew the cashmere shawl around myself; and I must have nodded off asleep, and let my head fall against McDermott; for the last I remembered was the feel of him settling the shawl tenderly around my shoulders.

The next thing I knew I was flat on my back on the ground, in the weeds at the side of the road, with a heavy weight on top of me holding me down, and there was a hand feeling up under my petticoats; and I began to struggle, and to scream. Then a hand came over my mouth, and the voice of James said angrily, what did I mean, causing such an uproar, did I want us to be discovered? I became quiet, and he took away his hand, and I told him to get off, and to let me up at once.

Then he was very angry; for he claimed I had asked him to stop the wagon, so I could get down and relieve myself by the roadside; and having done so, that I had spread out my own shawl, not two minutes before, and had invited him to join me on it like the hot bitch I was, at the same time saying I would now fulfil my promise.

I knew I had done no such thing, having been sound asleep, and I said so. And he said he would not be made a fool of, and I was a damned slut and a demon, and Hell was too good for me, as I had led him on, and enticed him, and caused him to damn his own soul into the bargain; and I began to cry, not feeling I deserved such hard words. And he said crocodile tears would not avail this time, as he’d had a bellyful of them; and he proceeded to wrench at my skirts, holding my head down by the hair. So I bit him hard on the ear.

He roared out, and I thought he might kill me there and then. But instead he let go of me, and got up, and helped me up as well; and said I was a good girl after all, and he would wait until he had married me, as it was better that way, and more proper; and he had just been testing me. Then he said I certainly had good strong teeth, as I had drawn blood; which seemed to please him.

I was much surprised at this, but said nothing, as I was still all alone with him on an empty road, with many miles to go.

Chapter 39

And so we went on through the night, and at last the sky grew lighter; and we reached Toronto a little after five in the morning. McDermott said we would go to the City Hotel, and rouse the people up, and make them cook breakfast for us, as he was almost starved with hunger. I said that was not a good plan, and we should wait until many people were about, as if we did as he said we would be very noticeable, and would be remembered. And he said why must I always be arguing with him, it was enough to drive a man into a frenzy, and he had money in his pocket which was as good as the next man’s, and if he wanted a breakfast and could pay for it, then he would have it.

It is remarkable, I have since thought, how once a man has a few coins, no matter how he came by them, he thinks right away that he is entitled to them, and to whatever they can buy, and fancies himself cock of the walk.

We did as he said; not so much for the breakfast, I now believe, but because he wanted to show me who was master. What we had was bacon and eggs; and it was a wonder to see how he strutted, and swaggered, and ordered the servant about, and said his egg was not well-enough cooked. But I could scarcely eat two bites; I was shivering with apprehension, because of all the attention he was calling to himself.

Then we found that the next ferry did not leave for the States until eight o’clock, and we would have to wait in Toronto another two hours or so. I felt this was very dangerous, as Mr. Kinnear’s horse and wagon were sure to be known by some in the town, as he had come there very often. So I made McDermott leave the wagon in the most out-of-sight place I could find, on a small side street, although he wanted to drive it about, and preen himself; but I found later that despite my precautions it had been noticed.

It wasn’t until the sun had come up that I got a good look at McDermott in a bright light, and realized he had got Mr. Kinnear’s boots on. And I asked, did he take them off the body, as it lay in the cellar; and he said yes, and the shirt too was Kinnear’s, off the shelves in his dressing room, as it was a fine one, and better quality than any shirt he’d ever owned. He’d thought to take the one off the body as well, but it was covered in blood, and he’d thrown it behind the door. I was horrified, and asked how could he do such a thing; and he said what did I mean, as I was wearing Nancy‘s dress and bonnet myself. And I said it was not the same thing, and he said it was; and I said at least I had not taken the boots off a corpse.

And he said it made no difference; and in any case, he hadn’t wanted to leave the corpse naked, so he’d dressed it in his own shirt.

I asked which one had he put on Mr. Kinnear, and he said it was one of those he’d bought from the peddler. I was distressed, and said, Now Jeremiah will be blamed, as it will be traced; and I would be sorry for that, as he was a friend of mine.

McDermott said much too close a friend, in his opinion; and I said what did he mean by that? And he said that Jeremiah had looked at me in a way he didn’t like, and that no wife of his would be allowed to hobnob with any Jew peddlers, and gossip with them at the back door, and flirt in that way; and if she did, he would black her eyes, and knock her head about her shoulders for her.

I was becoming angry; and I was on the point of saying that Jeremiah was not a Jew, but even if he was, I would marry a Jew peddler any day, rather than marry him; but I knew that if we had a quarrel it would not be to the good of either, especially if it came to slaps and screaming. So I held my tongue; for it was my plan to get safe across to the States without incident, and then give McDermott the slip, and be quit of him.

I told him to change his costume, and I would do the same; for if people came asking after us, it might throw them off. We did not think that would happen at least until Monday, for we did not know that Mr.

Kinnear had invited some friends to Sunday dinner. And so I changed my dress, at the City Hotel, and James put on a light summer jacket of Mr. Kinnear’s. And he told me with a bit of a sneer that I looked very elegant, and quite the lady, with my pink parasol and all.

Then he went to get himself shaved; and this was the moment I could have run for help. But he had several times told me that we must hang together or we would hang separately; and although I felt myself innocent, I knew that appearances were against me. And even if he was to be hanged and I not, and even though I desired no more of his company, and was afraid of him, still I did not wish to be the means of betraying him. There is something despicable about betrayal; and I’d felt his heart beating next to mine, and however undesired, still it was a human heart; and I did not wish to have any part in stilling it forever, unless I should be forced to it. And I reflected as well, that in the Bible it is written,
Vengeance is mine,
saith the Lord.
I did not feel it was my place to take such a serious thing as vengeance into my own hands; and so I stayed where I was until he came back.

By eight o’clock we were on board the steamer
Transit,
with the wagon, and Charley Horse, and the boxes and all, and pulling out of the harbour; and I was much relieved. The day was fair, with a fine breeze, and the sun sparkling on the blue waves; and by this time James was in high spirits, and very proud of himself; and I was afraid that if he got out of my sight, he would go about boasting, and strutting in his new clothes, and showing off Mr. Kinnear’s gold trinkets; but he was eager to keep me in view, in case I should tell someone what he had done, and he stuck by me like a leech.

We were on the lower deck, because of Charley, as I didn’t wish to leave him alone; he was nervous, and I suspected he’d never been on a steamer before; and the noise of the engine, and the paddle-wheel going around, must have been frightening to him. So I stayed with him and fed him crackers, which he loved because of the salt. A young girl and a horse will always attract attention from admiring youths, who will pretend to be interested in the horse; and soon we did; and I found myself having to answer questions.

James had told me to say that we were brother and sister, and had left our unpleasant relations, with whom we had quarrelled; so I chose to be Mary Whitney, and said that he was David Whitney, and we were on our way to Rochester. The young fellows did not see any reason why they should not flirt with me, as James was only my brother, and so they did; and I thought it my part to return their sallies with good humour, though it told against me at the trial; and at the time I got some black looks from James.

But I was only attempting to allay suspicion, both theirs and his; and underneath my show of happiness I was very downheartened.

We stopped at Niagara, but it was nowhere near the Falls, so I was unable to see them. James went ashore, and made me come with him, and he ate a beefsteak. I did not take any refreshment, as I was nervous the whole time we were there. But nothing happened, and we went on.

One young fellow pointed to another steamer in the distance, and said it was the
Lady of the Lake,
a United States vessel which until recently was thought to be the fastest boat on the Lake; but she had just lost a trial-of-speed race to the new Royal Mail Standard boat, the
Eclipse,
which outran her by four minutes and a half. And I said didn’t that make him proud, and he said no, because he had a dollar bet on the
Lady.
And all present laughed.