Alice & Dorothy (10 page)

“Well,” Dr Weller said. “That’s a pretty normal sentiment. Nobody really likes it here. The walls, the paint. It’s depressing. Even the drapes. I don’t like being here sometimes.”

“Like now?” Alice said.

“Not like now,” Dr Weller said. “I love having someone to talk to. But a lot of my job is paperwork and going over charts and stuff, and sometimes I’d just rather be off somewhere else.”

“Yeah,” Alice said. “That must really suck for you.” She settled back in the couch a bit. Let her hands drift to her sides.

“How about you?” Dr Weller said. “Do you like having people to talk to?”

“I guess,” Alice said. “Dunno, I never really think about it too much. I’m happy to be on my own. I can live rough with the best of em, I don’t care.”

“It’s good to be self sufficient,” He said. “Really shows a person where they stand.”

“You think half the suits in this town could live off the streets for more than three days?” Alice said. The idea seemed funny to her, like some sick universal joke. Truth was, she
knew
what half the suits in this town would be like after three days on the streets. They’d be sniveling, filthy, wounded little birds. That wasn’t a knock on them maybe; it was just what the streets did to you if you weren’t tough enough to stand on your own feet and face them.

“Oh I know they couldn’t,” Dr Weller said. “How long have
you
been on the streets?”

“Ahh, I dunno,” Alice said. “Like four years I guess. You stop counting after a while. It doesn’t matter so much.”

“Sounds like hard times,” Dr Weller said. “You ever talk to family? Your parents? A sister or brother maybe?”

Alice shook her head. “Naww, nothing,” she said. Her face turned sour, like she smelled something foul in the air. “My dad’s dead. He was a drunk driver. My mom and me...we don’t really want nuthin’ to do with each other, I think. I left when I was fourteen. I never looked back.” Well, she
had
looked back…once. Just long enough to give the finger. Her mom was so shocked that spit came out of her mouth.
Don’t you never come back here, blond bitch. Don’t you never come back.

“Something happen?” Dr Weller asked.

“Like getting fingered?” Alice said. She laughed again. “Yeah man, it fucked me up bad. Daddy couldn’t keep his hands off his little girl, and now she’s a junkie hooker living on the streets.
Christ
.”

“It was an honest question,” Dr Weller said. “I was just wondering what would make a fourteen year old girl run away from home. Must have been pretty bad there.”

“I need a cigarette,” Alice said. “You got smokes on you, doc?”

“I don’t, I’m sorry,” he said. “Hospital doesn’t let us smoke in here anyway. Makes sense I suppose. They’ll kill you, it’s hypocritical of them to let us smoke on the property.”

“I need one bad,” Alice said, ignoring the public service announcement. “
Fuck
.”

“Listen Alice,” Dr Weller said. “If this line of discussion is distressing you, or you’re getting upset, we can talk about something else. You can talk about whatever you want.”

“
I’m not upset
,” Alice said. “I just need a smoke. I haven’t had any in days. These fuckers won’t let me off the floor to go out and bum one.”

It was more than just the smokes though.
She’d killed someone
. It was possible they hadn’t found the car yet, but how long after that before they found her DNA all over the guy? Wasn’t that what they did on all those crime shows about Las Vegas and Miami? Find the DNA, arrest the bad girl. She was like a forensic Christmas present in here, just waiting for someone to put the pieces in the right order and come collect her. They’d already taken her blood, and they had her real name. Alice didn’t think it took much more than that.

Worse, when she closed her eyes she was back in Wonderland. It made sleep a joke. She was beginning to wonder which was worse. Dealing with the nightmare of her waking life, or dealing with the nightmare that pulled her back in every time she closed her eyes. Maybe she
was
crazy, after all. Maybe not. Maybe this whole thing was the penny that would put her over.

She clenched her hands into fists. She scratched at her legs. She chewed her inside lip, looked about the room, and finally turned her gaze at the doctor.

“So how long are you guys going to keep me here?”

“Oh, I dunno.” Dr Weller looked thoughtful. “We need to get a handle on your current frame of mind, make sure you’re not too stressed out or anything. This is going to sound silly, but please bear with me. Do you ever feel like your shrinking or growing Alice? Like Rapidly?”

“
What?
” Alice said.
What does he mean? Does he mean the little glass bottle? The mushrooms and the birthday cake? The hand written placard with the words EAT ME scratched on with red crayon?
She’d gotten stuck in the rabbit house, she’d grown so fast. It wasn’t just scary that she was suddenly ten times her height, she’d been fucking
terrified
because the walls were pressing in on her from every side, and the ceiling was pushing down on her, and the way she was hunched over like that, unable to breath…

“Just a silly question,” Dr Weller said. “Sometimes people can feel like they’re suddenly growing inside their skin, or shrinking away from it. Has that ever happened to you?

“No,” Alice balked, and her face flushed. “That’s crazy.” The words tumbled out of her mouth. It felt like burnt ash was sticking to her tongue, and she clamped her hands over the bottom half of her face.

I am always with you
, The Mad Hater said.

The words were in her ear but also inside her head, like the sound was emanating from somewhere in the middle of her brain. She’d once had one of those Japanese lollipops with the radios built into the stem; they let you hear their broadcast when you put your mouth on the candy and completed a short wave broadcast that you could actually
hear
inside your head. Alice was eight years old and she thought it was magic; the power of God incarnate. They’d been at Sunday school and the Friends of Jesus had been there for a little chat on obeying God’s word.

At the end of the lesson they’d handed these suckers with a “special message” out to all the kids. Alice was one of the last kids in line and was stuck with Cherry, which she hated, but the magic of putting the treat in her mouth and hearing the lord’s work made the flavour irrelevant. The suckers were wired to pick up the local Gospel station (WGOD,
Good for your ears, good for your soul!
) and long after the sucker was gone she kept the stick in her mouth, singing along with prayer tunes she knew from church or listening to Jack Van Impe preach about the end of the world until late into the evening. Eventually her mother threw it out on her, like she threw everything Alice loved away; like she threw her own life away by liquefying it and injecting the bad parts into her daughter.

But this wasn’t religious radio coming through her thoughts, and it wasn’t magical. The sudden appearance of The Mad Hater made her feel infected and dirty. It felt like being possessed by the devil. Any moment now she’d start jabbing her cunt with a crucifix, begging to let Jesus fuck her. Just like in
The Exorcist
.
WWJD
didn’t refer to sexual positions. Alice had no interest in it
ever
referring to sex.

LIAR!

She could hear the Mad Hater inside her head, banging on a plate with a spoon and frothing at the mouth.
Goddamn liar! We saw you growing AND shrinking in the house of the Rabbit!

How was this even possible? It seemed too crazy to be real. Maybe Alice—

“It’s not crazy at all,” Dr Weller said. “Like I was saying, it’s sometimes common for people to feel that way. Doesn’t make them crazy. Makes them sound like dirty cunts, right Fuckface?”

YOU’RE A CRAZY BITCH AREN’T YOU!
The Hater shrieked.
YOU DON’T KNOW TIME! YOU’RE RUNNING OUT OF HIM BUT YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE LOSING! BUT I DO!

“What?” Alice said, confused. It was hard to hear what the Doctor was saying with that lunatic shouting in her ears. “I haven’t lost anything.”

“What was that, Alice?” Dr Weller said. He was watching her closely. There was something Alice didn’t like in his eyes. He looked like he was waiting for her to do something. Explode maybe.

Blow your top!
The Hater said.
I have another for you! We’ll take it to the Queen of Harts and she can stick it on a pig pole like the rest.

“Shut up,” Alice said. “I think I’m done.”

“What are you done with, Alice?” Dr Weller said. “Are you alright? You’re very pale. Maybe you should kill yourself. Then you’d be done, right?”

“I don’t feel well,” Alice said. She was beginning to get misty, like things were overlapping again. She could hear the Hater’s voice, plain as day, overtop of the words Dr Weller was saying. But Dr Weller wasn’t making any sense either. It was like they were all in the same room together, and the Hater had his face pressed against her head, shouting into her ear. Then a moment later he would be far away, sprinting toward her, his voice growing louder with each passing second.

PIG POLES ALICE! PIG
POLES! YOU LOVE THE HOG DON’T YOU LITTLE BLOND GIRL? Come back to the table won’t you? Things will be just as before. We’ll have tea and you can scratch a new number in my watch and we’ll piss on time. You won’t miss him at all! If he does arrive, you won’t even recognize him! YOU WONT RUN OUT OF TIME BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO HE IS!

“Alice, what are you talking about?” Dr Weller said.

Alice looked at the Doctor, her mouth open. What was
he
talking about? Had she been speaking that insane bullshit
out loud?

“I uhh,” she began. She
what?
She was having trouble hearing him because some lunatic in a big green hat was screaming in her ears? But she couldn’t see him because maybe he was sitting
inside her ear
, just next to her eardrum? What was the least crazy sounding thing she could say right now? “I feel sick.” The words came out, but they sounded like how she might speak with her mouth stuffed with cotton. A classic Marlon Brando
Godfather
era impression.
I’m gonna do you this favour. Maybe someday you can do me a favour, Dr Weller. Maybe someday you can let me out of this place before the cops find me and put me away forever.

Alice started sucking in deep, whooping breaths. It was just too much to think about all at once. There was too much going on inside her head. She needed to lie down, she needed to fix, she needed
something
. She needed out.

Dr Weller was beside her. When had that happened?

“It’s alright, Alice,” he was saying in a friendly, nonthreatening tone. The same voice male adults had been using on her since she was eleven years old and started growing breasts. He had a warm hand on her shoulder. Another on her back.
Too
low on her back, maybe.
Creepy low
. “We’re going to get you something to calm you down. It’s alright. And if you don’t like it, fucking kill yourself. Slit your wrists. Pull your arteries out and hang yourself with them. Put on a show.”

TEA AND BREAD! TEA AND BREAD! ALICE TOOK A THIRTY-EIGHT AND SHOT HIM IN THE HEAD!

“Try not to speak,” Dr Weller said. “Or I’ll kill you myself.”

The Hater was trying to get her caught, and Alice knew it. He was screaming and making Alice say it at the same time. Dr Weller was hearing every word the Hater spoke to her, coming out of her mouth like a confession. And the worst part was Alice had no control over the Hater at all. She doubted if even the Hater could control himself. She had to do something to make it stop. Dr Weller’s next phone call would likely be to the Homicide division.

“
Shut up!
” Alice screamed into the doctor’s face. She sloughed off his groping hands and shoved him hard enough for him to fall off the couch. He felt like warm wax against her hands, and she pulled them back to save herself from sinking into his chest cavity. Then she was on her feet, stepping away and shaking the feeling of his flesh from her hands.
“Just shut the fuck up!
”

Dr Weller was standing beside the door to his office, and he popped it open. There were a couple women huddled around the nurses’ station down the hall, and he motioned to them.

“Nurse? Little help, please.” He said. He made a motion with his hand simulating the plunging of a syringe, and mouthed the word
Sedative
. Then he turned to Alice and made a blowjob motion at her, jacking an invisible dick and popping his tongue against the inside of his cheek.

“No!” Alice said. “
Tittle hee, tittle haw, broken girl, broken maw
.”

She stepped toward the doctor and planted a foot squarely on the office door. She pushed, hard, and the door flew out of Dr Weller’s hands. It slammed shut with a rush of air and a bang.

“I just need a minute to calm down,” Alice said. “I just need a moment.”