Aliens for Breakfast (3 page)

“Do not look at his teeth,” Aric told him. “Get out of class.”

“You’d better go to the nurse,” said Mrs. Logan. “She’ll take care of you.”

Richard stood, holding his hand up stiffly. Henry tore his eyes away from his pyramid. “Does it hurt?” he asked.

“Naw,” said Richard, as if it were no big deal. The truth was, it didn’t hurt. But it scared him. He knew he hadn’t cut himself. Or had he?

“You did not,” Aric told him on the way to the nurse’s office. “I am sorry to have to break this to you. Dorf knows you are resisting him. So he is pulling a cheap Drane trick. He is rearranging your molecules. You are melting.”

Richard stopped in his tracks. “Melting!”

“Well, dissolving is more like it,” said Aric. “Your molecules are drifting apart. Slowly, of course.”

They were outside the nurse’s office. “This is terrible!” moaned Richard. How had he ever thought getting to know an alien would be fun? He felt like throwing up.

“It will not get much worse today or tomorrow,” said Aric. “But I hope you do not have big plans for the weekend.”

Richard whimpered.

“Once I remember the secret weapon, I can destroy Dorf. Then you will be fine,” said Aric.

“But what if you
don’t
remember?”

“If I do not remember,” said Aric, “Earth will be so deep in Dranes that dissolving will be fun.”

4
.

Back in his own room after school, Richard looked at his bandaged fingers and tried to fight his panic. It wasn’t easy. The fact that his fingertips had started to ache made it even harder. He thought of Dorf and shuddered.

“Listen, Aric,” he said as calmly as he could. “Don’t you think we should do some serious thinking about how to get Dorf? I mean, are you sure you don’t have some superpowerful weapon stashed away? How about a sub-ion warp disrupter?” That was what the Space Lords of Gygrax used to blow away
their
enemies.
It always worked. At least in the comics.

Aric jumped down off the stack of Yoda comics on Richard’s shelf. He came to rest on the shoulders of a plastic King Kong. “Fancy weapons are too expensive for us,
Richard,” he said. “The Interspace Brigade works on a very tight budget. We have 47 million planets to look after. Our yearly allowance is 249 billion daktils. That comes to about sixty-seven cents a planet.”

“Sixty-seven cents to save Earth?” shouted Richard. “That’s it?”

“That is plenty,” said Aric. “We saved Zweeb for thirty-six cents two years ago. Dranes are a cheap menace. They can be fought with simple ingredients.”

“Like WHAT??” yelled Richard.

“It will come to me,” said Aric. “Just give me time.”

“I can’t believe it,” said Richard. “My planet is being taken over by space hoodlums. I’m melting. And you, the
commander
of the Interspace Brigade, can’t remember a simple ingredient!” His toes began to throb. Were they bleeding, like his fingers? He was too scared to take off his high-tops and look.

“I never said I was perfect!” snapped Aric. He slipped down off King Kong and started pacing. Then he stopped.

“Perhaps I could look around your house.
It might bring back my memory,” he said.

“Sure. Where do you want to start? Garage? Kitchen? Bathroom?”

“I seem to remember that the substance can be eaten,” said Aric. “Where do you store items of nourishment?”

“In the kitchen!” cried Richard. He grabbed Aric and headed down the hall.

Ten minutes later the Bickerstaff kitchen looked like a supermarket after an earth-quake. The floor was covered with the contents of the refrigerator. Now Richard was emptying all the shelves. As he did, he showed each item to Aric. “This is peanut butter. This is hot chocolate. This is rice. These are graham crackers. These are pickles. These are soft drinks—Tab for Mom, Dr Pepper for me. Salt. Sugar. Tuna. See anything that will kill a Drane?”

“I do not think so,” said Aric. He was sitting on a bunch of grapes. “And I really thought I would remember it right away.”

“Dorf hasn’t clouded your mind, has he?” asked Richard.

“This is an easy mission,” said Aric. “I have
wiped out Dranes on lots of other planets. Though I have never been freeze-dried before. It must have shaken me up.” He sighed. “We had better keep looking.”

Richard got back to work. “How about these?” he asked. “Chocolate sprinkles for ice cream.”

“Afraid not,” said Aric. “Is this all?” The floor, the counters, the kitchen table and chairs were now covered with bottles, boxes, cans, and jars of food.

“Yes,” said Richard.

“It is not here,” said the alien. “Perhaps we
can search some other Earthling’s home? One with a wider range of products?”

“We have the best kitchen on the planet,” said Richard. “Mom buys everything. If it isn’t here, I don’t know where it could be.” Then he had an idea. “Unless you want to go to the mall.”

“Is there food at the mall?”

“Every fast food made in America.”

“Then by all means let us go there,” said Aric. “And quickly!”

5
.

The mall was busy for a Thursday afternoon. Richard wondered why. Then he saw that one of the stores was having a promotion. It was for a new men’s perfume called Sweat. A big fat man dressed like a wrestler was giving out free samples.

“Ugh! Why would anyone want to buy that stuff?” said Richard.

“To attract the female of the species, of course,” said Aric.

“Girls? I can see spending money to keep them
away,”
said Richard. “But I’d rather
spend it on something cool. Like that.” He pointed at a black satin baseball jacket in the window of a store. “I don’t have enough money, though. Mom says maybe she’ll get it for my next birthday … Of course, I may never
have
another birthday.” Richard’s hands and feet were really hurting now.

“After we have destroyed the Drane, the Brigade may find some extra money to buy you a gift,” said Aric. “You have earned something for all you have been through.”

Aric sounded so sure of destroying Dorf that Richard felt a little better. “Gee, thanks—”
he started to say. But Aric interrupted him. “Great Ganoob!” cried the alien. “What is that?”

They were next to Mutant Splendor, a store that sold sci-fi games, books, toys, masks, and comics. It was just about Richard’s favorite place in the whole world. Today the front of the store was taken up by a giant display of the Space Lords of Gygrax. The big plastic warriors had bright red wings, blue skin, and webbed feet They were all snarling and holding laser swords, as if they were about to
attack. The display had sound effects, too—battle noises and strange space music.

Richard’s mouth dropped open. For a second he forgot that his hands and feet hurt. This was awesome! Ten times better than the comic books!

But Aric didn’t think so. “You call these Gygraxians?” he snapped. “They are a joke!”

“You mean there really is a planet Gygrax?” asked Richard.

“Of course,” said Aric. “But Gygraxians do not have wings. They have fins. Not only that, their skin is orange, not blue. And they never fight. They are the biggest cowards in the galaxy. This is an outrage! I want to speak to the manager.”

Aric started to hop out of Richard’s pocket. Richard clamped a hand around him. “How can you get so upset about a bunch of stupid toys? Time is running out! You have to remember what the secret weapon is!” Was it Richard’s imagination? Or was he beginning to feel wobbly? Maybe he was dissolving faster!

“Aric—” Richard went on. But then he froze.
Dorf and Henry were walking down the mall. They were dressed in the same red T-shirts and ripped jeans. Dorf was talking, and Henry was listening. He nodded his head at everything Dorf said. As Richard watched, they walked into Pizza World.

“Aric!” gasped Richard. “There they are! Dorf and Henry! Should we follow them, or what?”

“Follow,” answered Aric.

“I’ve never trailed anybody before. What if they see us?”

“Do not worry,” said Aric. “I will make us invisible.”

“What! You can do that? How come you didn’t do it before?”

“It is very expensive. Only for emergencies,” said Aric. “And it only lasts ten minutes. Now let us go.” He made a low humming sound that filled Richard’s head for a moment. As he crossed over to Pizza World, Richard found himself humming too. He couldn’t help himself.