All At Sea (20 page)

Furthermore.

You are insane if you think I would just pack up my whole life and move to LA with no job, no home, no connections.

It’s a totally insane suggestion.

I never said the work was in LA. The work is here. The reason I am being hired is because of my local knowledge HERE. I am the go-to surfer guy. OK, it makes me a whore. I’m fine with that.

You cruise in on a yacht and start making demands that I totally change my life. Can you not see that is insane?

What are you going to be doing for the next six months anyway? School doesn’t even start. You haven’t even chosen a course.

Are you going to be painting your nails?

You want me to pack up my whole life and move to a place I don’t know so that you can paint your nails where YOU want to.

You are insane.

I am so glad this is over.

Friday 11
th
April 3.15pm

—near Wahiawa, Oahu—

You would have known someone in L.A. You would have known me.

Friday 11
th
April 3.19pm

—near Wahiawa, Oahu—

There is this fruit stand on Kamehameha Highway before you come into Wahiawa. A little Samoan woman runs it. Whenever she’s open, Yoshi stops and we get a baggie of sliced pineapple to share. Always when we stop, I think: Halfway there. Thirty more minutes until I get to see Kody. The stand’s not open today but it’s just as well. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat pineapple again.
             

The answer is no. I get it.

I have never suffered hardship. You’re right. Whatever hardship I come across in life, I’ve always just handed someone a wad of money to make it all better. Loneliness. Betrayal. Illness. Loss. Rejection. Fear. Money. Better. Realizing how lucky I am to have this magic lever to pull in life has made the idea of losing you so much easier. Thank you for helping me see that. 

I’m glad it’s over, too. I am. Even without all the obstacles, it would never have worked between us. Remove Lachie, and the money, and Fi and all of it, we still wouldn’t have lasted a month.

I’ll leave it by saying it’s been a true journey. I’ll never forget you. I learned a lot. And even if it’s not the way I wanted to say it to you, I’m going to go ahead and say it anyway. I love you, Kody, and I’ll miss this drive to your side of the island, winding through the pineapple fields.

Friday 11
th
April 3.35pm

—Koa Boxing Club & Gym—

Good stuff. We are both totally happy then.

Friday 11
th
April 3.45pm

—Koa Boxing Club & Gym—

Is Lachie with you? He was supposed to meet me at the gym. This place smells like balls.

Friday 11
th
April 11.17pm

—Blue Volcano Tavern—

Way back at the beginning you asked me when I was the most sad and when was I the most scared.

I was the most sad when I broke up with Fi. I was sadder for her though. She was my best mate for such a long time and we share so much history. I mean I was sad about her sadness. Does that make sense?

But I will know what happens to her. Her family, my family and Lachie’s family all spend time together. We will cross paths. I am still really fond of her, and when she stops being in love with me she can stop hating me too. Because hate comes from caring, just like love does. One day she won’t care, and then she will be happier. I’m twelve months further down that road than she is. I want her to hurry up and stop loving me.

I am the most scared now. I am scared that you will get on a plane and go away. You’ll hate me and you’ll send me a whole bunch of abuse at first.

But at least abuse is contact. And the stuff you come up with is funny! You’re yelling at me, and I’m reading it pissing myself.

Even when you’re yelling… in fact especially when you are yelling at me you’re telling me who you are and what you want.

It gives me something to work with.

But I’m scared you will stop hating me, which means you will also stopped loving me. Then there will be just silence.

You can’t work with silence. It’s painful. It makes you feel small and pathetic and unlovable.

I am scared of silence from you. I am scared that silence from you means that you are patiently waiting for me to give up and go away. It means you want me to hurry up and stop loving you.

Then next year you will come back to stay on the yacht, and I will still be here, still surfing, still being in love with you, but you won’t even try to avoid me. You’ll just look past me with blank indifference.

That’s what I am scared of.

Friday 18
th
April 9.00am

—Totally Brewed Café—

You can’t think of a single thing you want to tell me in a whole week?

Silence.

I just handed you a dagger and you thrust it up to the hilt.

Sunday 20
th
April 8.17pm

—Blue Volcano Tavern—

Two more days. You can’t be arsed flicking me a fckn emoticon?

Monday 28
th
April 11.12pm

—Blue Volcano Tavern—

Tell me one thing. Tell me your nail polish colour. Tell me what you ate for lunch.

Tell me to fuck off.

Millsy?

Monday 28
th
April 11.14pm

—Waikiki Yacht Club—

A grilled chicken sandwich and fries. Pink Before You Leap with GelCoat Top Finish.

When I was the most scared. I was five and don’t remember it so it doesn’t matter. When I was the most sad. Last night. Because I slept with Lachie for real. And this time I’m not lying. I was just so lonely and missing you. And he showed up with flowers. Not just one flower but a whole dozen. He looked at all of my paintings and we strung beads in my room and he was being so sweet and goofy and basically begging on his hands and knees. I thought it might rid me of you. That if I was with him, it would fix the huge tear in my heart. It didn’t. The whole time I was just wishing it was you. Please stop writing to me. Please, please, please. I will send the stupid selfies Lachie and I took. I swear to God. I will send you daggers with the sharpest edges.

                          
 
***

Friday 2
nd
May 8.16pm

—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—

What the fuck are you even doing here? It’s a cruise boat. You hate water.

Can we agree to stay at different ends of this boat? I am staying at the bar end. You are staying at the dance floor end. Capiche?

I don’t even want to see your face. Don’t even turn around.

Friday 2
nd
May 8.21pm

—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—

I didn’t know you would be here. Cristina and Simon asked me to come. They’re dating now, btw. Turns out he’s not a coward after all. His family is having a fit. Anyhow, they thought a night on the town might cheer me. If I knew you and Mr. Dickhead were going to be here, I promise you, I would be at glow-in-the-dark bowling right now.

I’ll stay over here on my side. No worries.

Friday 2
nd
May 8.22pm

—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—

Btw, you might also be interested to know that I have found a miracle cure for my aquaphobia. A Fat Yak mixed with liquid Dramamine. Who needs surf therapy and fancy pharmaceuticals when there’s Fat Yak and Dramamine?  I should bottle this stuff and sell it on the internet.

Friday 2
nd
May 8.33pm

—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—

If I could get off this boat, I would.

I’m not over it. (You can enjoy that little nugget.)

If you ever had any affection or respect for me, then show it now by keeping your distance.

Friday 2
nd
May 8.34pm

—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—

What do you mean by Mr. Dickhead?

Friday 2
nd
May 8.36pm

—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—

I’ll do you one better and leave altogether. You won’t have to see my face again.

Friday 2
nd
May 8.37pm

—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—

And where are you planning to go exactly?  Are you going to jump ship and swim to shore? You’ll drown in five seconds.

Friday 2
nd
May 8.41pm

—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—

No, really. Where did you go?

Friday 2
nd
May 8.46pm

—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—

Millsy?

Friday 2
nd
May 8.48pm

—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—

Don’t worry. I didn’t pull a Titanic. I’m pretty busted up about it all but it’s not as dire as all that. I told Cristina and Simon I don’t feel well. That the Dramamine Fat Yak elixir has lost its magical powers. I’m upstairs on the bridge with Captain Dave. He knows me. I’ve been on this booze cruise with my mom and Paul four times since I got here. The sushi buffet is the best on the island. You’ll love it. Enjoy.

Friday 2
nd
May 8.49pm

—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—

Good stuff. I’ll send you up a plate.

(No seriously. I want an answer. Why is Lachie a dickhead?)

Friday 2
nd
May 8.53pm

—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—

You know exactly. It’s not enough that it happened, you actually want me to type the words so you and your mate can gloat about it? No. I’m not doing that. And don’t bother with the plate. My appetite has left me again because I’m not over it either. Not by a mile.

Friday 2
nd
May 8.49pm

—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—

What do I know exactly?

Friday 2
nd
May 9.09pm

—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—

Oh, God, K. You would have loved seeing me those first few days. It was wayyy worse than when you went back to Australia. This time around though, I holed up at Cristina’s so my mom wouldn’t ask questions. (I’m learning from my mistakes!) Cristina and I gloved up and held an autopsy of Amelia’s Relationship Corpses. No stone left unturned. She agrees with me that even if it was real, it would never have worked between us and it’s best that we broke it off. And Lachie…egh. Anyhow, I basically built a nest of tissues in Cristina’s bed while her mom shoved rice noodles at me and her little sisters covered me in stuffed animals. But the worst is over. It will suck for a while but I’ll live.

Friday 2
nd
May 9.11pm

—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—

And in case you missed it, there’s a soon-to-be-wild bachelorette party over there in the corner. Some real Bettys and how. (I can see everything from up here on the bridge. Cameras everywhere.) Looks like the bride-to-be and her posse just ordered a cartload of bubbles. You look great by the way. Best looking bloke on the boat.  A half-hour from now, you and Mr. Dickhead will have your pick.

Friday 2
nd
May 9.11pm

—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—

But if you want to make things REALLY interesting, shoot for the old ladies a few tables back. That’s something new. A real challenge, I bet.

Friday 2
nd
May 9.15pm

—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—