All I Have to Give (11 page)

Feeling sick at the prospect of seeing Mabel and Agatha, Ada jumped when the door opened. Joe entered first, followed by the white-faced and shaking Mabel and Agatha.
They know,
Ada
thought. There was no other reason they’d be summoned here, and their haunted looks told of their fear. And she was to confirm it for them.

Penny asked the two women to sit down. They did so as if someone was working them with strings. Ada looked over at Joe and felt a nerve twitch inside her, as she read the love that he had for
her shining from his eyes. Unable to deal with his feelings, or her own, she concentrated on Agatha and Mildred and what she had to tell them. ‘Eeh, me lasses. How can I tell thee what I have
to say?’

There was no need for her to say any more. Agatha’s and Mildred’s screams of ‘No, no!’ wrenched at her heart and tore open her own wounds. She moved to be in the middle
of them, and let her own tears flow with theirs. She’d never been close to either of these women, they were just acquaintances, but they now felt like kin as she held them. She didn’t
protest at their wails, but allowed them to vent their anguish. And when Penny tried to calm them with the soothing, inadequate words of ‘Now, now’, Ada quietened her by saying,
‘Let them be. It is best out. Nothing lessens the pain, but this outpouring gives a little release and stops you going mad.’

From where she squatted, Ada looked up at Joe. His face was wet with streaming tears. At that moment it didn’t take the jolt of her heart to tell her that he was very special; and yes, she
could admit it, he had filtered into her emotions. The feeling came with the urge to run to him and be held by him; but for now she needed to be strong for Mabel and Agatha, and her own feelings
had to be shelved.

Aye, and she’d shelved Paddy, an’ all. She knew that now. In the context of everything, he was nothing. And it came to her that she would go and see Beryl and help her through
everything she had to face. What did it matter who had fathered the babby? All that mattered was that she should make sure the babby and Beryl were all right.

She didn’t know how she came to this understanding, but what Paddy and Beryl had done suddenly paled in the face of everything else. Not that she would forgive them totally. They
didn’t deserve that, but she could get to a place where she could cope with it. However, no matter what, she knew she would never get to a place where she wanted to stay with Paddy. No, the
last thread of her feeling for him had been severed.

Rossworth Hall, mid-July 1916
A shocking tragedy

Andrina released a sigh of relief. Once more she’d been able to dodge Eloise and take her walk alone. This meant she could go towards the kitchen garden, in the hope of
seeing Jay. The last few days since that first illicit kiss with Jay had been wonderful. Especially as Daddy and Mama had been away.

Daddy had said there was no reason for them all to return to London until the autumn, and that although he might be needed in the House of Lords from time to time, he would go back alone and
would not disturb and uproot them all. Mama had been adamant that she would go with him this time, as he was only going for three days. There was some shopping she’d needed, and so Eloise and
Andrina had been left to their own devices. During that time she had met up twice with Jay. They had even managed a secret picnic yesterday!

Their parents were back now and intended to stay for a week or two, making it even more difficult for her and Jay to meet. She hoped to manage it today, as her mama and papa were preoccupied and
had spent much of their time locked in Father’s office.

Thinking about the excitement she now had in her life was scary. Her own and Jay’s intimacy had not progressed after that kiss. But she’d wanted it to, and this frightened her. Her
longing had, to her shame, let feelings visit her at night that she’d tried hard to suppress. The uncomfortable guilt that she felt as a result of this had made her very strict with Jay, and
she’d told him that it wasn’t proper behaviour to touch her.

It was sort of working. Jay tried to restrain himself, as she did, but the brush of a hand would happen and then they would hold each other’s gaze for a moment; a moment that set her heart
thumping and let her know that, if Jay did go further and kiss her, or even . . . No, she wouldn’t; she was adamant that she wouldn’t!

Most of the time they talked. Jay seemed to possess so much knowledge about all kinds of subjects, such as politics, the class system, the war and even gardening. His flat tone, caused by his
deafness, didn’t grate on her, but rather sounded different from anything she had ever heard and had become a source of joy to her in itself.

She’d become fascinated by subjects that would have bored her before, and had listened, enthralled, as he’d taught her the names of plants and their habits – when they should
be planted, when they flowered, and about the pollination process – a dangerous subject that had led to them leaning into each other and sharing a longing that was tangible.

Reaching the wall that surrounded the kitchen garden, Andrina hesitated for a moment. She could hear a voice saying, ‘But why, Jay? Ain’t I good enough for you, then? If her
High-’n’-Mightiness asked you to take her to a dance, you’d jump at it, when she’s nowt but a whore. Hey! You pushed me!’

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, but it was a reaction to your filthy insinuations. And how dare you call Lady Andrina a whore? Get back to your work, and leave me alone.
I’m not going to look at you now, so I won’t know what you’re saying – just go!’

Oh God, the servants are gossiping! How long before Mama and Daddy hear of what I am up to?

The gate gave its usual creak as she opened it. As if sensing her presence, Jay looked towards her. ‘Lady Andrina?’

‘Yes, Jay, it’s me.’

‘Oh God, you didn’t hear, did you?’

‘Yes. It is very worrying. If Father finds out . . .’

‘Well, you may not have to worry about that. I have news. I’ve learned something about the truth of my birth—’

His voice went into a moan as his body slumped to the ground. Florrie stood over him, wielding a bloodied spade, as if about to hit him again. Andrina’s scream stopped her.

As she turned on Andrina, spittle sprayed from Florrie’s mouth. Her blackened teeth ground together in a snarl. ‘You stole me man! You’re nothing but a whore. He’s
nothing to you. Well, if I can’t have him, neither can you!’

The spade came down on Jay’s head once more. Blood squirted in Andrina’s direction and splattered her frock. Lunging at Florrie, Andrina thwarted her attempt to land another blow,
but the movement unbalanced them both. As she fell backwards, Andrina was unable to stop the full force of her body hitting the ground; a jolt thudded through her, taking her breath from her.

Florrie was quicker than Andrina to recover, and was up and standing over her before she could draw the air back into her lungs. Glancing up, she saw the sun reflect off the spade held high
above Florrie’s head. Venom spewed from the maid’s frothing mouth. ‘I hate you. I hate the stinking lot of you!’

Andrina knew that she’d screamed, but didn’t hear her own voice, as darkness descended on her and all sound went into the black hole that swallowed her.

From her position in the hall just outside her father’s study, Eloise listened with horror to what her father related to Mama. ‘Sixty thousand casualties! Oh, my
dear, what will happen, what will happen? They say that, of the sixty thousand, twenty thousand were fatal. And this all happened on the first day of the new offensive.’

As she heard him outline the battles that were taking place in Albert, Longueval and Bazentin, Eloise found it difficult to imagine the horror erupting in these towns with such nice-sounding
names. She wondered how Edith was coping, and if she and her brothers were safe. These thoughts were ended suddenly as her father’s voice rose in anger. ‘What the blazes does that idiot
Haig think he is playing at? He is responsible for the lives of our boys!’

The sound of the gentle weeping of her mama compounded her fears. But then Father’s next words put a dampener on her own plans and further upset her. ‘Felicity, whatever you do, you
must dissuade Eloise from going. I would prefer her to see the error of her plans to join the Voluntary Aid Detachment, but if you cannot get such a result, then I will strictly forbid her and
refuse to sign the papers.’

‘But,
mon cher,
you cannot do this. Eloise is a young woman with a mind of her own.’

‘I can, and I will. Women do not have minds of their own! It isn’t like in France, my dear. Women here have to obey their father until they are married, and then they obey their
husband.’

‘Ha! I abhor that stupid rule. I never obey you!’

Time to go,
Eloise thought, as her father’s voice became soft and held loving amusement. ‘I know you don’t, you little minx. Come here and give me some comfort, for I
am out of sorts today . . . Aah! I thought you would obey that order.’

Before Eloise had taken many steps away from the door a shout halted her. ‘Your Lordship, come quickly.’ Eloise turned back round towards the study, only to see the astonishing sight
of Jorrington, their usually sedate butler, running and hollering at the top of his voice.

‘What has happened?’ she asked, shouting louder than him.

‘In the kitchen garden, M’lady. Hurry, hurry!’

Lifting the hem of her day-frock, Eloise fled, knowing that her father and Mama were only a few steps behind her.

‘Eloise? Where is Andrina – why isn’t she with you?’

Eloise’s blood ran cold as a scream took the space around them and stopped her from answering her father.

Maggie, the downstairs maid, appeared at that moment as if from nowhere. ‘They’re in the kitchen garden. Oh my God, she’s murdered him!’

Eloise sped across the lawn, desperate to find out what had happened and to shake the mounting fear inside her. Flinging open the garden gate gave witness to a scene of horror: Florrie wielded a
spade, while Jay lay unconscious on the ground, and next to him . . .

‘No, no!’ was all she could utter as she looked at her beautiful sister. Andrina lay unmoving, her face covered in blood, her eyes staring into space. Empty eyes. Dead eyes.

‘She stole me man! I had to kill her. I had to kill them both!’

Eloise drew in a deep breath as she stared at the demented Florrie. With this, a pain seared her, burning her lungs and clenching her heart till it felt as though it would snap in two.

‘Stop it! Stop it
now
!’ Her father’s command stayed Florrie’s hand, just as she was about to bring the shovel down once more on Andrina. Turning towards them,
Florrie’s eyes flared as she stared at them in turn.

Mama stood like a statue; Father was angry and shaking with fear; several maids were crying, their bodies quivering with shock; and the butler, dear Jorrington, looked back at her with tears
running down his cheeks. None of them moved or made a sound. An animal-like noise broke the silence as Florrie charged forward, dashing between the wall of people and out of the gate.

An anguished cry of ‘
Mon bébé, mon bébé!’
brought reality back to Eloise. Mama flung herself down next to Andrina and held her lifeless body,
muttering over and over, ‘
Mon bébé
.’

Father moved forward. Taking Mama in his arms and prising her away from Andrina, he said, ‘Come inside, my darling. Jorrington will see to things.’

This grated on Eloise. ‘How can he? How can anyone see to things! Oh, Daddy. Andrina, Andrina!’ Her father rose and was by her side in a flash. His strong arms grasped her just as
her legs buckled. ‘Make it right, Daddy, make everything right again.’

The tears raining down his cheeks mingled with those on hers, as he whispered, ‘I cannot, my darling. Oh God!’

A stillness had descended on this beautiful house that Eloise had loved. A stillness that held the cloying sadness of the death of Andrina. It was a sadness that Eloise thought
would never lift.

Rossworth Hall had been her sanctuary, the place she loved most in the world. It would never be the same again. Nor would she ever look on the magnificent parkland and find the peace it had
always given her.

Life was unfair.
Why should Jay live and Andrina die?
At this moment she hated Jay and wanted him dead, too. He was just as responsible for Andrina’s death as Florrie was. He had
lured Andrina, played on her silly fantasies. He should hang, just as surely as Florrie would.

This thought had hardly died in her when the door of the drawing room opened. Her eyes hurt as she took them away from what she’d always thought of as a calming view across the lawns with
their beautifully trimmed bushes and trees, but which now she’d stared at without registering. Her father, aged by many years in the few hours since the shocking event, entered the room.

‘Are you all right, my dear? Your mama has been given something to make her sleep. The doctor is still here and wonders if you want anything to help you?’

‘I will never be all right again, Father. But no, I don’t want anything, thank you. I want to think, I want to imagine . . . Oh, Daddy, help me!’

He crossed over to her and she went into his arms. Snuggling into the smooth cloth of his evening jacket, it struck her as odd that he should have bothered to change his clothes, but then he
must have felt that keeping things normal would help.

‘There, there, my dear, try to be brave for Mama.’

‘I will, Daddy. I will.’

‘It will take us a long time to come to terms with it all, but if we help each other, we will get through this. Now, my dear, I want to talk to you. Are you up to it? There is further news
on Jay. The doctor says he is still unconscious, but that he is improving. He can be moved now, and will be taken to hospital. His mother has been informed and she is naturally very distressed. I
have arranged for her to be taken to him.’

Eloise made no reply to this. Her father gave a little cough that she knew meant he had more to say. She cringed at what it might be.