All I Want For Christmas Is You (10 page)

“Tease.” A choked whisper.

He licked his bottom lip, finally daring to meet her gaze. His eyes locked with hers as he slid his thumb into her heat, circling her where she was so, so swollen. She didn’t look away as he stroked her softly. Her lips parted, though, and her breath came in quick, quiet gasps. She tensed as he continued to slide his fingers over her body. Gently, so gently. Driving them both wild with the simplest touch.

He leaned down, blowing against her skin where she was exposed to him. Felt her frustrated gasp. He smiled at her. Kept stroking her until she met his gaze again.

Then he took her in his mouth. Suckled her where she was swollen and sweet and…

Dear lord, she almost came right then. The pressure spiraled wide the moment his tongue connected with her, and he felt the tension wind up beneath his touch. He ached for this woman.

Her fingers were fists in his hair the moment she created the wave and started to come. She arched beneath his touch, offering herself completely, surrendering to the pleasure of his touch. It was beautiful, watching her body bow off the floor, to feel her shudder in her release.

The orgasm still shivered through her body as she urged him up until his erection was poised at the edge of her heat. “Now. I need you.” She kissed him, hard and fierce. “I need you now.”

He was there, just there, her silken wetness surrounding him. No barriers. No fear. Nothing but the tight, wet heat of her body surrounding him, urging him deeper. He gripped her hands, dragging them over her head as he slid inside her, inch by inch. Her body engulfed him, clenching around him tightly in that first touch of being home, really home.

He moved then, slowly finding the rhythm that pleasured them both. Moved when her fingers tightened in his. Drove them both closer to the edge until her body tensed and the wave cascaded over them both. Until her pleasure burst again, crashing over him, sending him spiraling out into the darkness beyond the storm.

And in the aftermath of it all, he held her close. Because there was nothing else he’d wanted more.

T
hey lay in silence, their bodies twined together in the glow from the fire. Quiet strokes. Soft whispers of breath on skin. She tried to hide the emotions burning behind her eyes, waiting to break free. To spill. They were there, just there.

She closed her eyes and waited, hoping, praying that she would be okay. That the crash would not destroy her.

The crash always came when you tried to ignore it. Sometimes it was within days, weeks, months.

Other times it took years. Decades away from the war before things finally burst out of the place where they’d been stuffed and ignored.

She lay cradled in his arms. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d simply sat, comfortable and wrung out all at once.

Her heart was heavy and full, echoing every beat of his against her back.

She waited for the numbness to circle back up, to rise out of the darkness and drag away the echoes of sensation. To steal the pleasure at the warmth of his touch and leave her empty once more.

It didn’t come.

Instead, sleep drifted over her and she stayed, feeling his arms around her, feeling safe and secure and
loved.

God, how she loved this man. Loved him so much her heart ached with it. He shifted, nuzzling the top of her head with his cheek.

How could she have walked away from this? From everything that he meant to her? He was still here, still alive. Still warm and solid and steady.

“I remember the first time you deployed,” she whispered, unsure if he was awake but needing to talk. Needing to release some of the pressure against her heart. “I was terrified you wouldn’t come home.”

She closed her eyes, seeing him again the day he’d walked out of the gym and toward that first deployment. She’d hated,
hated
being left behind.

She continued, needing to get the words out before she panicked and locked them down again. “I watched the news every day. First thing in the morning. Last thing at night. I was so afraid I was going to lose you.” His fingers threaded with hers over her heart. Tightened just a little.

Letting her know he was there.

He was always there. He was the most steady thing in her life.

How could she have forgotten?

He shifted so her head leaned against his shoulder. “I wasn’t prepared for you to go.” He brushed her hair from her face. “I wanted to drag you out of that gym that day.” He scoffed quietly. “I thought about converting to some religion that wouldn’t let you out of the house.”

She smiled in the firelight. “That probably wouldn’t have gone over too well.”

“I didn’t say it was rational. Just that I’d considered it.” His voice was deep against her back. “I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t come home, Sam,” he whispered.

“It was a close thing.” Her words choked off. Crushed in a wave of emotion that had been just there, just below the surface, waiting for its time to crash over her and drag her back into the emptiness of the abyss.

***

He felt the shudder escape her a moment before hot tears splashed onto his forearm. She’d been steadfast when they’d each deployed. Solid and stoic as first he’d shipped off to war, and then she’d followed. But this? This was different. This was a thousand years of emotion trapped and bottled up, finally breaking free.

Great shuddering sobs wracked her body. He shifted, pulling her closer, wishing he could lend her his strength. Wishing he could take away the pain tearing at her.

He held her while she cried. Whispered nonsense in her ear. And felt his own heart break as her sobs punished them both.

“It’s going to be okay,” he whispered.

She sat up then, pulling away from his warmth. “You don’t know that.” She swiped at her cheeks. She bit her lips together, trying to wrestle the emotion back into the vault. She placed her fist over her heart. “It hurts.” A ragged, pain-filled admission. “And it feels like it’s never going to stop.”

He shifted, pulling her close until her head rested on his shoulder. Her tears were hot on his skin, leaving cool trails behind them as they traced down his bare chest.

“I want it to stop.” She leaned back, wiping her eyes.

He cupped her cheeks, his heart breaking in his chest. “I can’t tell you when it’s not going to hurt anymore. I wish I could.” He kissed her eyelids, her nose. Tasted the warm salt of her tears. “I wish there was some magical fucking pill that you could take to make everything feel normal again.” Stroked his thumb over the dampness on her cheeks. “It’s easier, when you don’t feel. When you stuff it all down and pretend it’s just another particularly shitty day at the office.”

“I thought I could go to war and everything would be fine. I had some naive notion that the war wouldn’t fucking hit home.” Her voice broke. “That I would go and we’d sit on the FOB and drink coffee and do our jobs and come home at the end of the year.” She wrapped her arms around her middle, holding her sides. “I was wrong. I was so fucking wrong.” She finally looked up at him, and he saw staggering depths of despair looking back at him. He pulled her close until she sagged against him.

“I want out.” He kissed the top of her head as her words sank in. “I want out of the Army.” She leaned back to look at him. “I want to come home and be around my mom and my best friend’s dad who was a better father to me than my own. I’m all they have left, and I can’t take that away from either one of them.” She swiped at her cheeks with the back of one hand. “And I won’t ask you to give it up for me. I won’t.” She covered her hands with her face, the strength finally gone out of her.

“You never asked me.” He cupped her cheeks. “You just ran, and assumed I’d be like everyone else in your life and let you go.” Kissed her gently. “I love you, Samantha.” He lowered his forehead to hers. “And if loving you means we leave the Army behind then so be it.”

He held her then, cradled her in his arms as great wracking sobs tore through her.

Held her until his heart broke for her, until he couldn’t tell where her tears ended and his began.

Until she was finally emptied out and still.

And even when the fire died down, he held her.

Because he was never going to let her go again.

***

Dawn came too early. It could have come at noon, and it would have been too early.

Her face was swollen. Her eyes gritty and heavy and full.

Last night’s storm still swirled inside her. Less violent now but still there.

Still making her feel every ounce of ragged pain.

Patrick’s arms tightened around her waist.

“It hurts.”

“It always will.” A gentle kiss against the back of her neck. “But I’m here. When the pain comes. When it gets too bad.” His hand slid up, covering her heart. “I’m not going to leave you, Sam.”

“You can’t promise me that.” Denial that refused to be ignored.

“No one can. But that’s not enough of a reason not to live. Not to love.” His palm was warm and solid against her chest.

She closed her eyes. Took a deep, shuddering breath. Held it until her lungs burned. Released it quietly and opened her eyes once more to find him watching. Waiting. Always patient. Always calm.

“When we get back…I was thinking about making an appointment with Doc.” Fear, naked and raw, in those tentative words.

He stilled. “I’ll go with you. If you want.”

She lowered her gaze. “I…I think I’d like that.” She covered his hand with hers, threading her fingers with his, daring to meet his eyes once more. “I meant it. Last night when I said I wanted out. I’m dropping my REFRAD paperwork. I’m requesting release from active duty.”

He was silent a long moment. “Looks like I’ll have to study up on the Maine bar exam then.”

She shifted, rolling until she could see his face. “I’m not—”

“You’re going to be here. With my daughter.” He brushed his lips against hers. “There’s nothing the Army can give me to make giving up that time worthwhile.” He lowered his forehead to hers. “I almost lost you from this last deployment. I’m not going to risk it again.”

She nuzzled her nose against his. “You’re going to freeze up here.”

“Man, here I am offering you my undying devotion, and you’re trying to get me to leave. You really know how to make a guy feel wanted.”

She laughed against his lips, then turned, wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her face against his skin and simply holding on. He was steady and strong and solid and real.

The nightmare wasn’t over. It was a long journey back from the darkness of the war. It would always be there, always lurking.

But last night, she’d taken a step. A single step that had started with a leap of faith. Of trusting this man who had been there for her from the very start.

She nuzzled his cheek, her heart full. For the first time in a long time, it wasn’t filled with pain.

“Thank you for not giving up on me,” she whispered.

And in that moment, she found something she’d feared she’d lost forever.

She found hope.

S
am waited until the last presents were opened. Natalie was playing quietly by herself with her Lego
Millennium Falcon
she’d been eyeballing since last year and her mother and Thomas had gone out for a mid-morning walk through the snow. Patrick had disappeared upstairs a few minutes before.

Her hands shook as she found the gift she’d saved until last and followed Patrick upstairs to the room he’d shared with her since after the snowstorm.

She found him sitting on the bed, checking his e-mail. Embarrassed, he tried to stash his Blackberry. One look at her face, though, and the phone was forgotten, dropped on to the nightstand.

“What’s wrong?”

She swallowed. And held out the manila folder.

He looked from her down to the folder and back again. “What’s this?” There was caution in his voice.

“Gift card for more flannel.” She tried to keep things light, needing a way to ease the tension around her heart.

His smile was warm, but the wariness didn’t leave his eyes. “While I like what my wearing flannel does for your libido, we’re going to have to discuss alternative clothing choices when we move.” He looked down at the folder once more. “Sam?”

“Remember the day Natalie was born?”

Patrick went very still. Slowly, he reached for the folder.

She folded her arms over her chest, afraid he would see her hands shaking.

“When I filled out the paperwork for her parents, I left her dad’s name blank.”

He said nothing for a long moment. When he spoke, his voice was thick and filled with a thousand unsaid things. “That’s why you never went after him for child support.”

“There was no need. He wasn’t her father. He’s never been her father.” She took a single step toward him. “She has a daddy. This…this just makes it official.” She flipped the page. “It’s the paperwork to amend her birth certificate. Apparently, you can just file a form from the Internet. There won’t be an adoption. She’ll be your daughter.” She rested her hand over his heart. “On paper and in here.”

She didn’t expect to see his eyes fill. He ground his teeth, trying to keep the emotion in check. Her heart swelled in her chest but this time, the ache was something good. Something special.

A gift.

“This is the second best gift you’ve ever given me.” He wrapped his arms around her waist, burying his face in her hair. A shudder ran through him. She tightened her arms around him.

“What’s the first?”

“Letting me be there when she was born.”

“What’s wrong, Mommy?”

Sam took a step back to see their daughter standing in the doorway. Natalie looked between the two of them. “Are you sad?”

Sam looked at Patrick. He dropped to his knees in front of her. “No, baby, I’m not sad. Your Mommy just gave me the best Christmas present ever.”