All is Lost (All Series, Book 2) (8 page)

“
Yeah,” she nods her head in
agreement. “I heard Tristan's dad has been acting shitty to some of
the staff. Maybe that's why his grandfather is so
upset.”

I sigh staring at the door leading into
Tristan’s unit and wonder if I should go back. I begin chewing on
the inside of my cheek, debating that checking on Tristan was my
reason for coming here. Stepping away from the doorway, I plant my
back solidly against the wall. I don't want anyone thinking that
I'm just some morbid onlooker and I don’t know if his family will
want me in there.

“
Why don't you go back?” Waverly
asks. “From what I've heard Anna hasn't left his side all night.
Y'all are friends right?”

My chest begins to tighten and panic floods
me. I want to see Anna and offer her my support, but I'm afraid
that my anxiety will cripple me. Neither Julia nor I have ever had
a medical emergency since that terrible day when I was in middle
school. I've never dealt with a situation like this and I'm not
sure if I can handle it. I'm afraid I'll embarrass myself or give
them something else to worry about. Standing here all wired up, I
discover that I am subconsciously wringing my hands and chewing on
the inside of my cheek.

Calm down
, I command silently before I
embarrass myself in front of everyone here. My panic disorders
aren't subject to one specific trigger. It could be anything from
something as small and insignificant as a fly to a crowded, booming
rock concert. It's ludicrous and something I should have explained
to Marcus last night while we were unloading our baggage. I make a
mental note to tell him about everything very soon.

Waverly stares curiously at me, waiting for
some sort of response. I look around for the nurse and spot her on
the phone at the nurses’ station.

I don't look at Waverly when I finally do
speak. “I guess I can check with the nurse and see if I'm allowed
to go back. Thank you Waverly.”

Hanging next to the double door that leads
into the Intensive Care Unit is a nurse’s call box. I push the
button and wait several moments before receiving a response. A loud
pop followed by a scratchy noise that resembles a human voice asks
how they can help me. I explain who I am, what I want, and after an
extended moment the door buzzes.

Upon entry I can now clearly understand every
word Granddad Walker is yelling at his son Beck. With my eyes
locked on the floor and moving quickly toward Tristan's room, I
lift them and soon discover they are blocking the doorway
completely unaware of my presence.

“
Now dammit! He is your only son.
Your place is by his side and you need to remember that.” Granddad
bellows.

“
Dad, you're just repeating
yourself,” Beck growls bitterly. “We've been through this already.
I'm leaving him in the very capable hands of his mother. But get it
straight I am leaving in the morning with Barret and Morgan for the
Canadian meeting. We need Ned to approve the amendments we’ve made
to the merger and sign the contracts. I appreciate your concern for
my
son, but the doctors assure me that he will be fine.
Sitting around watching Gretchen watch him is not productive.
Working will distract my mind from all this bullshit.” Throwing his
hands in the air, he turns his back on his father signifying he is
finished arguing the point.

“
I don't know who the hell you are
anymore Beck.” Grabbing his sons shoulder, Granddad keeps his voice
low, “This prideful ego and selfishness of yours is ridiculous and
it's going to ruin everything you have with your only son. That boy
is lying in a hospital bed with tubes running all over his body,
with no certainty that he will survive the next five minutes and
you're ready to fly off and stay gone for the next few weeks. What
the hell is wrong with you Beck? Is money that important to you?
Did you sell your soul to Satan to become this…this greedy bastard
that stands in front of me? Your mother and I sure as hell did not
raise you to be this cold hearted person.”

Turning again Beck shoves Granddad’s hand off
and stalks past him, nearly slamming into me. He stops abruptly,
stares down at me bitterly without saying a word, and then
continues out the doors. I'm frozen with my back pressed against
the cold wall. I don't want Mr. Walker thinking that I've been
intentionally eavesdropping. I keep my head and eyes lowered while
holding my breath. Only a moment passes before I see a large shadow
on the floor moving closer. I glance up and see Granddad staring
down at me. Always a levelheaded and controlled man he seems
frazzled and exhausted; rightly so.

“
Hon, I'm sorry you had to hear all
that mess with my son.” He offers a small smile. “I'm glad you came
all the way down here to see Tristan. Anna hasn't left his side
since they brought him in last night. Shoot, none of us have. Come
on lets go see our boy.” He takes my hand and I pause briefly until
he yanks it, forcing me along. Just before entering, Granddad
glances over his shoulder. “I better tell you it ain't good. He
looks like hell, but we have hope and his grandmother hasn't
stopped praying. Tristan is tough as nails but…well, just prepare
yourself darling.”

I begin to tremble and a wave of nausea
punches my gut. My natural instincts are screaming for me to get
the hell out of here now. Granddad’s grip tightens as if he can
sense my inner turmoil. I work on my breathing techniques and reach
into my mind for something that Marcus told me during my jujitsu
training.

Remember to remain calm and don't let your
mind stray from the situation at hand. Stay in the
moment
.

Abiding by his instruction, I refuse to let my
mind get the better of me by thinking the worst. I always assume
the worst will happen.
Because it usually does
, negativity
rears its ugly head. Remembering that I am not that person anymore,
I instantly force away my pessimistic thought. Now that this
terrible thing has happened I must be strong for all of them.
Tristan, Anna, Marcus, Morgan...all of the Walkers.
God, if
you're listening, fill me with the strength to get through this…for
them
.

Chapter Five

Breesan

The front wall of Tristan's hospital room is
all glass with a pale yellow curtain that runs the full span,
obstructing our view of what is happening inside. Shoving open the
door, Granddad grips my hand tightly, pausing briefly to allow my
acclimation. My senses are assaulted once the door closes. A
hauntingly familiar beep taunts me. A god awful smell almost like
burning flesh mixed with iron crawls inside my nose and mouth. I
bite back on the gagging, forcing its way up my throat. A wave of
anxiety pushes its way through me and my body tenses. I
reflectively squeeze Granddad's hand through my turmoil and he
takes it as a sign of encouragement, pulling me deeper into the
room. Avoiding the imposing bed in the center, I scan the familiar
faces and see they are all distraught, worn and tear
stained.

Rising out of the beige recliner standing with
her arms open, Tristan's Gran greets me first. Not personally
comfortable with this type of contact with anyone, I hesitate but
see the determination etched in her forehead and frown lines
surrounding her eyes. I have resolved to be strong for them so this
is my first test. I step into her embrace and she cradles me,
moving our bodies in a twisting motion. She makes a shushing sound,
but I’m not crying so it's more for her than me. Soon I am passed
over to Gretchen, who holds me in the same manner.

“
Breesan thank you for coming down
to the hospital.” Gretchen whispers, pulling my hair from my
shoulders, a sweet motherly gesture. “I was worried when I didn't
see you last night, but Officer Monroe explained that you remained
behind to assist with the investigation. I am so grateful to you
for that.” She pauses attempting to keep her composure. “Dad spoke
with the Sheriff late last night and assures us that his department
is doing everything they can to catch the men that did this to our
Tristan. It's all so surreal. I can’t believe my baby was shot.”
Sniffing softly, she faces her son’s bed and a sad solitary tear
slips down her cheek.

I hear Anna's breathing hitch several times
while Gretchen is speaking to me, but I don’t look at her. I know
she is sitting there next to him, just as she had done when I was
in the hospital after someone overdosed me on Ryske. Slowly,
Gretchen pulls away from me, but keeps my hand tucked tightly in
hers. I look at her and see fear marring her exquisite beauty. She
offers me a half-smile then releases her hold completely. Anna is
much closer than I anticipate when I turn around. She rushes over
and grabs me, crying immediately. I squeeze my eyes shut, fighting
back against my own broken heart. My whole body trembles, a result
of her breakdown. With a trembling hand, I smooth her hair down in
the back. Her long, blonde hair is a mess and I can see red
splattered throughout it.
I cringe noticing that
the side she used as a shield for Tristan holds the most
blood
. In fact that whole side of her body is covered in it.
She pulls away from our embrace, partially turning us toward his
bed.

My eyes immediately drop down and the first
things I see are his fingers. There is a large clip with a wire
running from it clamped to his middle finger. I allow my gaze to
travel up his arm, noticing another tether in the bend of his arm
where a clear liquid is dripping into a vein. A stabbing pain hits
me deep in my chest and I clutch my hand over the spot while
continuing to focus on my breathing.

“
He can hear us, you know?” Anna
says. “That's what the doctor told me.” Trembling visibly, her
whisper is barely audible. I chance a quick glance at her, but she
doesn't notice. Her eyes are fixed lovingly on Tristan. With a
sweet smile, she continues, “I've been talking about us, and
school. We have all laughed about what happened last football
season. Remember when Tristan broke every school record before
midseason? There was that one obnoxious parent’s group, from
several of the opposing teams who banned together demanding that he
be tested for enhancement drugs.” I smirk knowing he would never
touch the shit, and she adds, “As if, my perfect Tristan would ever
do something so stupid to his body.”

Chuckling loudly at Anna's defensiveness,
Granddad grabs and hugs her tenderly. Then he invites Gran and
Gretchen out for coffee leaving us alone with Tristan.
I can't
do this
, I am freaking out mentally. Realization that Tristan
is lying in this bed, so close to death and could go at any minute
hits me like a slap to the face. This type of connection with Anna
and Tristan is way more than anything I've ever allowed myself to
experience with anyone.

Clutching my hand against my chest, I grasp
that they are so very important to me and this shit hurts. Their
love is so exceptional and seeing their suffering is enough to make
me stop being so self-centered. Loving me for so many years without
my reciprocation, they have never known how much I actually care
for them.

Because I was too selfish to tell them
,
I remind myself.

“
Take your time, Breesan.”
Returning to her seat, Anna leaves me hovering next to Tristan.
Averting my eyes again to his fingers, I carefully brush mine over
them. They are so cold. A natural instinct in me wants to wrap them
in mine, allowing my body heat to warm them. Fighting the urge for
long enough, I finally look at him, but just before my eyes lands
on his face, Anna speaks.

“
He loves you.”

A harsh, stinging pain begins behind my closed
eyes. Opening them again, I slowly lift my face to look at her.
This pain is too much and unstoppable, heavy tears burst forth. My
body racks with hard sobs. Dropping onto my knees, I grip Tristan’s
hand and place my forehead tenderly to it. Moving quickly from her
seat, Anna wraps her arms around me, providing selfless comfort
while hushing my cries.

Speaking through my tears, my words falter.
“I'm sorry, God, I am so sorry. Please, please, please…just don't
go. I need–I...” Gasping for breath, my cries become hiccups and I
can no longer speak.

“
Breesan, it's okay.” Sweet,
wonderful Anna continues comforting me. “Tristan is going to get
better. Nothing is going to happen to him. Do you hear me?”
Steadfast in her beliefs, she is declaring it so.

Simply signally with an ambiguous head bob, I
accept her words, needing to believe that I won't lose him, but I
am so scared that because I do love him it is exactly what will
happen. I desperately want to tell him that I need him and Anna
too. They both deserve so much more than I have given them over the
years. Selfishly denying their friendship for so long, I'm
literally on my knees begging for one more chance.

Needing everything between us to be alright, I
decide they deserve to know everything. I love them and I always
have. A long time ago I was a scared little girl who lost all hope
when my dad didn’t return home from war. Then Julia cruelly kept me
away from everyone, especially Tristan and Anna.

Lonely and broken, the only thing I knew was I
had to keep my heart safe; but truthfully, these two loving people
have always had my heart and with them was the safest place for it.
While going through my own personal hell they were the last
remaining people who loved me and didn’t leave me behind. I refused
to accept their love…until now, when it may be too late.