All My Life (8 page)

When I get back to the shop, I find Neil busy talking to a girl. A walk-in?

“You can choose something from the design sheets if you haven’t made up your mind.” Then he nods at me. “This is Kari. She’s the one.”

I still as I hear the last sentence because even though it sounds completely casual, the look in his eyes is anything but.

“Oh, awesome! The one with the magic swirl!” the girl gushes as she turns towards me. Strawberry blonde, glossy lips, designer clothes and over-exposed boobs swing smack in my face. “Awesome!” she shrieks again and swings back towards Neil.
Bitch.

“I’m still bummed that you’re not the one doin’ it,” she says in a sugary baby-voice that makes my skin crawl.

Aww.
Triple trollopy…
bitch
.

God! What’s wrong with me? He’s not mine to fight over. Stupid infantile behavior.

“I already have a design in my mind. Where do we begin?!” the bosomy blonde asks while still directing her questions to Neil.

She
did
 realize I’ll be the one with the needle? Just a few inches deeper and…
Christ!
My professionalism just rotted away into gooey green grunge.

“Right here.” Neil walks the girl over to the bed-table and I get busy preparing my tools.

When he starts to go back to the counter the girl reaches out and clasps his hand. “Hey, would you mind if you held my hand through this.” She flutters her fake lashes and pouts her coated lips. “I’m a little scared.”
This tramp cannot be believed!
Bitch, let go of his hand!

I watch as Neil pulls his hand away and smiles gently. “You have no reason to worry. Kari is the best there is.” Then he walks away to the counter.
Seriously
. I could so kiss him right now!
 

“So the design I want is a heart with a crossbow in it. You know, like the cupid thing with the red heart and a golden crossbow,” she rattles off, all in one breath.

“You mean a heart with an
arrow
through it?” I ask.

She gives me a blank look. “That’s what I said. Why? Too hard?” The
for you
is right there, very clearly implied in her tone.

God. Is she for real?
I smile politely at her. “Not at all. Let’s get started. This will sting a bit, okay?”

Without waiting for her response I plug in the machine and start my work. It barely takes an hour and once I’m done, her brain-numbing moans and whimpers stop as well. At first, I thought she was really feeling the pain. The swell of the breast is a painful place to get a tattoo but then I realized every time Neil was walking by or close enough, her moans got louder and her whimpers more suggestive. Then I really wished I could have given her a reason to moan about!

After fawning over Neil while paying the bill, she finally leaves and I let out a deep sigh of relief. Some people have their own hell to deal with. Others? They make one especially for you.

“So that was interesting, huh?” Neil walks towards me, scratching his head and all my previous embarrassment rushes towards me in a huge swamping tidal wave. I start fumbling through the various bits and bobs that I have to stow away, until they all go splattering on the floor.

“Hey!” Neil hurries to unplug the machine which has started buzzing and hopping wildly on the floor.

Like a madwoman, I scuttle through the various bottles and packets strewn on the floor until I manage to collect them all. Then I place everything under the counter. As I straighten up, I startle because Neil is standing right behind me.
Close. Too close.

I suck in a breath and turn to look up at his face. He places his palm softly on my cheek and I wince at the contact.

“Angel, what’s the matter?”

“Nothing…I…I just…thank you for…earlier.”

He scrunches his face. “What is this? Are you embarrassed?”

I avert my eyes but Neil insists gently, “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, Kari. I was just looking out for you.”

I nod my head and risk meeting his eyes. “Yeah, well. Thank you for…looking out for me.”

“Anytime, Angel,” he says and his face breaks into a smile.

I cock my head to the side and decide this is the best time to make things clear. Instead what comes out of my mouth is this, “You know as per mythology, Angels were actually men who were sent down by God as messengers? So when you say Angel, it’s like you’re calling me a dude.”

Neil looks at me for a few seconds and then he throws his head back and bursts out laughing. And just like before, it’s a beautiful thing to witness. Like an unexpected burst of sunshine on a cloudy rainy day.

After a few minutes, as he’s wiping his tears he says, “Though that precious little narrative will now forever be at the back of my head, you’ll always be Angel to me…you don’t know what you’ve done…you’ve saved me.” His eyes droop low as he says the last line and my breath hitches. The inexplicable pull between us is hard to deny. It’s something elemental. Untamed. Something that connects my very core to his, in a way that cannot be denied.
Impossible
to resist.

He leans his face close to mine and I meet his lips half way through. He doesn’t assert his kiss. Soft brushes and sweet strokes. He keeps it restrained and I have no option left but to press my body smack against his, my hands fisting through his hair and my tongue diving into his mouth. My body starts thrumming with the beat of his heart and that’s when I feel him lose his careful control. His hands crush me to him, moving down my back until he lifts me and puts me up on the counter. I clasp my legs around his torso and he breaks from my lips to mutter in a hoarse voice, “Tighter, Angel.”

I clinch my legs tighter around him and his lips slam into mine again. My belly squeezes as his kisses get harder, more demanding. His hand grips my ass, squeezing it roughly and I can’t hold back the moan that escapes my mouth. Then his hips grind into me and my back bucks. His hungry hands skim up my thighs, belly and then my breasts. When his hand cups me, I whimper with a need so stark I’m sure I’m going to lose my mind.

“Oh! I’m so sorry!”

I jerk away from Neil and we both turn to look at our previous customer standing at the doorstep. She looks anything but sorry. Raving fuming rage is more the expression she should have gone for. If this had been anime, little puffy clouds of smoke would have been coming out of her ears right about now.

“I forgot my bag,” she says with a pout. Then she stomps off to the couch and picks up her bag which I hadn’t even noticed before!

Without looking at either of us, she heads out the door and bangs it shut behind her.

A startled second later, a giggle escapes me but then I turn to look at Neil and realize I’m still clinging to him.
Close. Too Close.
This is not right.
He doesn’t even know
. He should never know. I place a hand on his chest and press him back. I need to get out of here right now. How could I forget everything?! How could I
fucking forget
?!

“I think…I need…”

“Me,” he says firmly and grasps my chin in his hands. He pulls my face up, making me look into his eyes. “You need me, Angel.”

“No. I need to go. This is not…right.” He raises an eyebrow and I try to pull myself away but his grip on my chin tightens.

“What’s wrong, Kari? Is it that guy? Has he hurt you?” I see his jaw clench and I press harder on his chest. “
Please…
” I whimper and he lets go immediately. I hop off the desk and make a dash towards the bathroom.

“I’ll kill that bastard.” I hear him mutter and I halt right in my tracks. Then I swing back to face him. “No, Neil. It’s not like that. He hasn’t hurt me but…he can. Just…just don’t talk to him, okay? And about what just happened, I’m sorry. This was a mistake.”

Before he can say anything, I turn and quickly lock myself in the bathroom. I stand there leaning against the door for a long time. Then I bump my forehead hard with my fist. What in God’s name will I do?!

Okay, I have to think this through. First, I have to avoid getting into a situation with Neil at all costs. And second, I can’t stand the thought of him getting to know about that sleazy video. I cringe as a memory of it flashes before my eyes. No. He can never ever see that. And if he can’t see it, I can never get close to him.
Ever
.

No game, no foul. Yes. That should be my strategy. I take a deep breath and head out of the bathroom fully prepared for a face-off. But Neil’s not even there! Nalini is leaning on the counter instead, tapping away on the laptop. And as she notices me, she exclaims, ““Wohoo!! Sexual encounters of the illicit kind.”

When I cock up an eyebrow, she points to my shirt in explanation.

I look down and realize my top buttons are all undone, exposing a sizable portion of my plain white bra. “Oh no! Jesus!”

She chuckles. “Shouldn’t it be ‘
Oh no, Neil’
?” I roll my eyes at her but the normality of our banter does manage to calm me. Who needed love, complications…emotions? Really, who does?

I practice on my design sheets till closing time and thankfully, Nalini lets me be. No probing questions or digging for info. I can tell she’s curious about what’s happening between Neil and me. She keeps giving me glances in between her daily filing work but I ignore it and just hope Neil won’t decide to re-appear again before closing. He doesn’t. When it’s time to shut down, I help Nalini wrap things up, close down the shutters and then while she goes up the side-door to give the keys to Agnas, I head home.

Tatiana and I are sitting across from each other in the cafeteria,  focusing on the food in our trays. We’ve barely taken two bites when a guy thunks down on the chair right beside Tatiana. He’s got short spiked hair and is wearing a grey hoodie with jeans.

I watch curiously as Tatiana doesn’t even register his presence, at least not until he leans over and swipes the barely-eaten pizza slice from her tray.

“Hey! Give that back, you pig!” she exclaims and tries to reach out for the slice which the guy now holds in his arm, stretched far out of her reach. His sleeves ride up and I notice a large tribal tattoo on his wrist.

“Hot damn babe! I love it when you call me names,” he says around a mouthful of Tatiana’s lunch. She stops trying to get at the slice which is already fast disappearing down his mouth and leans back with her arms crossed.

“A-hole! How’s that for a name?” she says.

The guy places his other hand on his chest and scrunches up his face, as if in pain. “You get me, babe. You’re the only one who does.” Then he looks at me and waggles his eyebrows. “Who’re you?”

I bob my head between Tatiana and him, wondering if I should pass on my name to this seriously suspect person. But maybe I’m wrong about him because Tatiana doesn’t hesitate a second before outing me.

“Kari. We’ve got three classes together and she’s my new best friend,” she says and I smile appreciatively at her directness.

Then she looks at me and points to the guy. “Danny. Pig, a-hole, BF.”

Danny bows his head in mock courtesy. “It’s a pleasure to meet you me-lady,” he says, gives me a wide grin and then goes back to his chomping.

I smile back at him. “Where did you get the tattoo?”

He swallows down the bite in his mouth and answers, “Chicago.”

“Chicago?!” I ask.

“Yup. I worked in an ad agency there for a year before starting college.”

“Wow. That sounds awesome.”

“Yeah. It was.” He nudges Tatiana and she bites down on her lip to keep from smiling.

“What?” I ask, feeling left-out of their private joke.

“I met him during that year. I was visiting my Gramps and I rescued him from the experimental chicken casseroles she was inflicting on her handsome new neighbor. I think my Gramps took the ‘love thy neighbor’ decree a bit too seriously.”

Danny hugs her to himself. “My knight in bling and boobies.”

I laugh as Tatiana elbows him in the chest. “Stop it! I’ll puke on you!” Then she suddenly turns towards me. “Hey, you got a boyfriend?” My laughter dies abruptly and she notices it, even though I try to recover the situation with a smile.

“Uh, no.”

Sensing my discomfort, she deflects, “Oh, trust me. You’re way better off without one. Just unnecessary distractions.” Danny tightens his hold on her and she swats playfully at his shoulder.
Yup, way better off.

After an uneventful subway ride back home, just as I’m about to enter the shop, a hand lands on my shoulder.

“Why the rush?” a snide voice remarks.

My whole body jolts as if a spike was just driven down my spine. I turn and see the usual smug smile sitting on Eddie’s stupid face. A smile that comes from knowing he still has a hold over me. A smile that makes me want to tear his eyes right out of his face.

“None of your fucking business,” I snap at him through clenched teeth and shake off his hand.

He raises his eyebrows and puts his hands up in mock surrender. “Easy there. What’s gotten into you lately? I don’t remember you being so feisty. Could have spiced things up that last time.”

My hand comes up of its own accord and slaps that self-satisfied look right off his face. And I do it so hard, my palm actually stings from the impact. His face swings right back and I can tell I just made a huge mistake. He’s easily the stronger opponent and the anger I see flaming in his eyes, means this situation is sure to get out of control.

My eyes widen as I see him raising his fist in a punch. Bracing for the impact, I suck in a deep breath and dig my heels into the ground. But the blow never comes. Instead I see his body lifting into the air and being hurled across to land on the pavement with a loud, sickening crunch. A broad set of shoulders obstructs my view. Neil.

The next few minutes feel like I’m watching some freaky action movie. Fists flying, punches landing and bones slamming.

I think I should interrupt. What if Neil gets hurt? But then as I watch him tackle Eddie, I realize Neil has it all under control. And after a few minutes, Eddie gets the message as well. He gets up and starts backing off. But before leaving , he throws a look at me. One look that makes the promise of a thousand daggers flying my way. Then he turns and leaves.

I watch Eddie go and realize this is it. It’s as good as out now. It’s over. My life is…
over
.

“Are you okay, Kari?” I hear Neil asking me.
Are you okay?
Is he kidding me?! What is it with boys? Why do they think they have a right to get angry for a girl’s affronted dignity? Why couldn’t he have trusted me to handle it? I could have handled that blow. And then I could have pressed charges against him. I would have had evidence. Irrefutable, undeletable evidence. I could have finally fucking brought him down to his knees. No. I’m so not
okay
.

“Do you know what you’ve done?!” I shriek and Neil winces. Then I notice. There is a dark red bruise under his eye and a cut on his lower lip. And there’s blood oozing out of it.
Christ!

“Oh my God! Come inside.” I grab Neil’s hand, dragging him inside or maybe he lets me.

As Neil leans against the counter, I get the antiseptic and the antibiotic ointment we use for tats. Then I start applying them both one-by-one on all his cuts and bruises. Clean and apply. Clean and apply. Jesus! How many are there?!

“That was totally unnecessary,” I say as I dab the ointment under his eye. I feel the weight of his eyes as they land on my face.

“Unnecessary?” he asks quietly.

“Yes, I could have handled him. Now…I’ve got a bigger problem!” I blurt out without thinking.

“
What
bigger problem?”

I purse my lips and quickly finish off doctoring his wounds. As I turn to keep everything back, Neil grips my elbow.

“What problem, Angel?”
Jheezus! How can he still call me that?!
He just saw me come close to being punched in the face by a guy!

“Nothing. As I said, I can handle it.” His grip doesn’t loosen. “
I can handle it
!!” I shriek and the blatant lie of that statement strikes something deep inside. I lose it. Tears turn into sobs and then wracking heaving crying. He holds me to himself and I keep my face buried in his shoulder. I let it all go. The shame, the guilt, the fear. It flows out of me in torrents. I cry till there is nothing left inside of me. Till I feel empty and numb.

“Angel, you’re killing me here,” he says softly as his fingers rub soothing circles on my lower back. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s…o-over,” I say in-between sobs, keeping my face buried in his shoulder.

“What’s over?” he asks and says something else which I don’t catch. I’m too caught up in the horror that is soon going to be my world.

“He’s going to put out the video. Everyone will see it,” I murmur feeling empty but also strangely relieved. Even if Eddie puts it out on the net, at least I won’t have to live in constant dread anymore. It’s finally truly over. Then I realize  Neil’s body has gone rigid beside me. The hand that had been stroking my head a few seconds back, is now unmoving and digging almost painfully into my scalp.

“What video?” I hear him hiss. His anger is a palpable force that hits me straight in the gut. I whimper under the pain of his contempt and his fingers immediately loosen. His voice softens a notch. “What…video?”

I wince at the scorn that is about to be lashed at me. But still. I
have
to tell him. I can’t build this on lies. But then. Maybe it shouldn’t matter? Maybe I could just go with the flow and tell him it’s something embarrassing. Like one of those videos where someone happens to catch someone naked, or something silly like that. I don’t need to tell him all the details. I know it shouldn’t matter.
But it does.
Dammit. It does.

“A sex video,” I whisper but I know he catches it because his whole body jerks as if he was just landed a punch. Still I don’t stop. I keep going. “My first time. He recorded it and he’s been blackmailing me ever since. Maybe it’s already out there on the net.” I stop and suck in a deep breath, letting the relief of the confession wash through me. This is the first time I’ve ever told anyone.

Neil doesn’t say anything and the silence makes me look up at his face. Jaw clenched, lips pursed and his gaze sharp but he’s not looking at me. It’s like he’s seeing something beyond me which is making him furious. I stay still and watch his face till the rage simmers down, till the throbbing pulse on his neck returns to normal, till his hold on me slackens. I take that as my cue. It’s over.
This
is over. I start to move away when he tightens his arms around me again.

“Where are you going?” I look up at his face with my nose stinging and my eyes bleary. And then he says something which tears me up from the inside all over again. “You know it’s not your fault.”

A strangled sob escapes my mouth and I duck, trying to hide my face in his shoulder. He grasps my chin and stops me. When our eyes reconnect, he continues, “He is a dick and he tricked you. It was not anything you did, said or wore. It’s just something that was out of your control. You know that, don’t you?”

His sincerity snaps something inside me and once again, I am reduced to being a blubbering, shaking mass. Thankfully, he lets me sink into his embrace and I all but cling to him. His solidity centers me and the hysterics go away after some time. I don’t know how long we stand there like that. All I know is he doesn’t hate me.
He doesn’t hate me!
He knows and…he doesn’t hate me!

“I’ve got your back now. You don’t have to be afraid of that dick anymore.”

I smile through the tears but my joy soon stems as he utters the next line. “We’ll go to the police and they’ll sort him out.”

I jerk away from him and shriek, “
No!
No police!”

Neil’s taken aback by my response. “Why not?”

I shake my head violently. “They can’t do anything. They never do anything. He’ll delete everything before they even find it…and he didn’t force me…they won’t be able to prove anything…they won’t be able to punish him and…and everybody will think I’m a slut!”

Panting with the anxiety bubbling inside me, I watch Neil as he closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. But then he opens his eyes again and as his gaze lands on me, his face softens. He reaches his hand out to pull me back towards him and his arms envelop me again.

“Now you have to listen to me, Kari,” he says softly. “This guy is an asshole and you have got to report him. They
will
get him. If he deletes the video, those guys can dig out the trail. And even if everything fails and they can’t find the video, those guys can still get him for blackmail, a punishable offense in itself! You have
nothing
to fear.”

I look at his face, understand his words and let their meaning sink in. Then I ask him the only thing that’s really bothering me. “If you see it…” My voice is throttled by the lump lodged in my throat but I power on. “If you see it, will you think less of me?”

Neil cups my chin and makes me look up at him. The hard lines of his jaw are relaxed and his eyes have a softness in them that fills me with warmth. “Peel it away, Angel. Let go of the shame, the guilt. It’s not you. And even if I’m ever made to see the video, it won’t change anything. It won’t change the way I look at you. You don’t know what finding you at this point in my life…what it has done. There is a reason I call you my Angel. You’ve saved
me
.”

He holds me to himself and I’m too overtaken by the depth of the moment to wonder about the meaning behind his words. Words he’d said once before.

I hold onto him, my arms wrapped around his neck so tight that it must hurt him. But maybe we’re both beyond caring. It’s like we can’t get close enough. I clench my legs around his and his hands move to my behind, lifting me up, wrapping me around him. I don’t even realize when we start kissing but when I come up for breath, for the first time in my life I feel really scared. Scared of having something in my life that is so perfect. Terrified of having it taken away from me.

How can you fall in love with someone you didn’t even know a few days back? How can you love them so much that the thought of leaving them, even for a few minutes, makes you hurt?
Actually physically hurt.

“Oh! Fuck!” Someone shrieks and I jerk away from Neil. I turn my head towards the door and see Nalini standing there with a shocked expression on her face.
Jesus!
This is becoming old! Will people please stop interrupting the few good moments in my miserable sodden life?! Then I look around and realize where we are.
O
h my God!
Anybody could have seen us through the window display! And I’m still perched on top of the shop counter! What is wrong with me?! I unwrap my legs from around Neil and he grips my waist, letting my feet land gently on the floor.

“You guys cannot be left alone for even a second!” Nalini says as shakes her head and walks over to the coffee machine. “Just go on and do it already!” she exclaims dramatically, throwing her hands up in the air.

My cheeks heat up and Neil chuckles. “How about it, Angel?” he says under his breath and I can feel the warmth in my body spreading across all the way, everywhere.

How can everything be so normal?
I just told him I have a sex video out there which could go public anytime! How could he still be looking at me this way?!

“Oh freeze it and bag it for the bedroom, guys!” Nalini shouts as she comes out of the kitchenette. “Josiah and I have the world rights for OTT PDA. Don’t try and steal our thunder.”

When she catches our mystified expressions, she elaborates, “Over-the-top public display of affection? Jeez!” She shakes her head and slumps in front of the laptop.