All of Her Men (21 page)

“
Such as?”

“I’m not really sure how to explain but
… Uh…” my voice trailed off. I planned on telling him a great deal more than I had ever told anyone else. But before I could do so I needed to know that anything I revealed would be in strict confidence. But how could I relay the severity of the situation without sending him running as far away as possible?

But I felt the fear and realized I had to let
it go. For once in my life I would need to trust an individual more than I could even trust myself. How else would I ever overcome my issues? I had always and I mean always, wished I could purge the urge to kill men. I’d also committed enough murders in my lifetime that I have surpassed any hope for atonement. But, at the very least, I could hope to stop one day.

I guess that was the main reason I couldn’t bring myself to join Derek and his kill club or whatever it was they called themselves. I didn’t want to submerge myself into a culture of killing and more killing. I didn’t want to evolve as a killer. I wante
d to be able to grow out of the person I had become. I wanted to get better.

I decided right then and there that I truly wanted to stop killing. And I knew that I wouldn’t be able to stop today or tomorrow but maybe one day I could. The odds were against me of cours
e. I’ve never been stupid. I knew that serial killers don’t just stop killing. But I honestly believed in my never-before existing heart that if I wanted something bad enough I could have it. After all, I
have
had everything I’d wanted up until this very moment. Why couldn’t I have this too? It was encouragement enough to at least try.

“The things I wish to discuss under your supervision are very sexual in nature and
also very dangerous. I need the doctor patient confidentiality agreement to go further than its usual limits. I can only confide in this relationship as long as every word of every discussion remains between us and only us even as you might fear I could hurt myself, or others. Do you think you would be ok with something like that?”

“Th
ose are rather rigid guidelines. They are certainly ethically questionable,” he paused contemplating my offer. “But yes, I do believe I can agree to that.”

But I knew that he couldn’t understand anything until I painted a fuller picture and I could not do so without him first agreeing to total secrecy. It was a must even though I had no idea how much I was truly prepared to divulge. How much was too much? I couldn’t be sure until I hit the boundary. Was I willing to go there? Was he?

“You can say no. If any of what I say makes you uncomfortable, you can say that you don’t wish to treat me and I wouldn’t be offended,” I volunteered.

“Do I look uncomfortable Jol
ene?” He had stopped writing, placed the pen down on the legal pad and clasped his hands in front of his face. He rested his chin on his two outstretched thumbs and peered at me through his glasses.

He looked even more handsome than before.
He had a habit of doing that. Perhaps it was because men always looked more powerful sitting behind enormous desks but Bill appeared to be a God.

“No,
you don’t look uncomfortable” I said to answer his question.
You look fucking divine
was what I wanted to say but it was too forward even for me.

“I’m very comfortable and I want you to
be as well,” he said. “I will do my very best to help you overcome the troubles that plague you, if you’ll allow me. But first, I have only one rule and it is non-negotiable,” he paused and looked at me with a dead serious expression. It made me uncomfortable when he looked at me like that. “You must always tell the truth. Should I ever uncover a lie, our doctor/patient relationship ceases to exist and you’ll have to seek treatment elsewhere. Are we clear?”

“We’re clear,” I said. And I regretted agreeing before the words had ever left my mouth. He
didn’t know what he was getting himself into. I wasn’t sure of it myself.

---

The next morning I arrived at his home fresh off a good night’s sleep and a balanced breakfast. Both were rare occurrences for me. Bill graciously welcomed me with a fresh pot of coffee and led me back into his office. I made myself at home on his big comfy couch and prepared for the moment I had awaited my entire life. I was finally seeking the professional help I needed. This should have been done years ago. Better late than never.

“I feel ridiculous doing this,” I said. I wasn’t sure how else to begin.

“Well, let’s start with that.”

“Ok,” the self doubt was building a mountain so high I could barely get the words out. My silence
weighted the air with heavy tension. I felt like an awkward teen-aged girl. I kept shifting my eyes from his stupid beautiful face to the ridiculously exotic carpet that covered the glistening hard wood floors. I tried to focus on something. I needed some sort of distraction and nothing in the room was doing it for me.

“Jolene, the way this generally works is that you reveal something about yourself or your struggles and a conversation ensues. But you must start somewhere.”

“I know,” I replied. “I’m wondering where to begin. “

“Anywhere,” he said.

“I guess, I guess I should start about twenty years ago, back when I was six years old.” I stopped suddenly. I was just about to continue speaking when I felt a strange weight on my chest and it became increasingly difficult to breathe. I looked up and Bill looked back at me befuddled. The room began to whirl around slowly and then with a sudden quickness and then everything muddled into blackness.

----

When I finally came to I could tell I was still at Bill’s, but I wasn’t sure if it made me feel better or worse. I woke with my head in Bill’s lap as he held a soothing towel around the top of my head. He wore strong musky cologne. The type men wore to entice women. I wished he’d worn something else. He didn’t know the danger he put himself in smelling so damn good. The room was dark, except for a few dim candles and when I finally lifted myself off him, what I thought had been the living room had turned into a bedroom.

I rubbed my eyes. “Is this… i
s this where you sleep?” I asked.

Bill
looked amused. “Yes, this is where I sleep Jolene.”

“
You’re room is so…sexy,” I blurted out. The words left my lips before I could stop myself. My cheeks flushed and I looked away from him, shoving my chin into my left shoulder. I couldn’t look at him out of sheer embarrassment. I tried to focus on the scenery.

We sat in an enormously high
black four-post bed covered in a red plush duvet. The flames of red-apple scented candles danced atop every piece of black furniture he had in the room. There were more mini tables, night -stands, dressers and wardrobes than any man truly needed. Each held two or three candles releasing that sweet sugary smell that reminded me how hungry I was.

“How do you feel? I was worried you might not wake up,” Bill asked.

“I’m fine. I’m just a little groggy. Did I pass out?”

“Jolene we hadn’t even begun our session and you fainted,” he sat with a bent knee looking at me with strange curiosity. “Whatever it is you
need to share, I must say…it must be pretty inter-“

“It is,” I interrupted. “
I mean, it’s not good. But it isn’t simple or boring. I’m not the good person you might think I am. It’s complicated and…” I couldn’t go on. I wanted to tell him everything and I would, just not here. Not like this.

Sitting in a bed with a man I very much
wanted to have sex with and kill was all too much for me. Self control wasn’t my thing. It was better not to test myself. We could both work on this together but that wouldn’t help me now. I slowly lifted the heavy duvet off myself and shifted over to the edge of the bed.

“Wait,” he said firmly
. He made his way over to my side of the bed and slowly assisted me down the two tiny steps that were required to come off the bed. He’d held each of my hands in both of his own until both of my feet touched down onto the shiny wooden floors. “Jolene, you just fainted. Could you be just a little more careful? I don’t want you to hurt yourself.” How sweet, he was genuinely concerned for my well being. All I could think about was how fast or slow to run a knife through his neck and here he was trying to care for me. The thought saddened me.

His hand lingered delicately just over the small of my back as he led me from his bedroom down the long twisted stairwell and into th
e kitchen. I was fine. I could walk on my own but he insisted. He knew what he was doing. He was dazzling me with his chivalry but it was unnecessary. He’d already dazzled me more than enough and I didn’t believe he could undo the spell-like attraction I felt towards him.

“You must be hungry,” he offered. He opened a large double door stainless-
steel refrigerator and started to pull out an assortment of different foods.

I looked outside the kitchen window and noticed the lack of sunlight and was hit with a sudden panic, “How long was I out for?”

“Well it’s just about nine p.m. so you slept almost a good twelve hours. Like I said, I was beginning to worry. What’s wrong?” he continued to gather eggs, and cheese and a bunch of other different foods.

“Where’s my phone? I need my phone,” I demanded.

“It’s right on the couch where you left it. Jesus, what’s wrong with you? Why are you so angry?”

I didn’t answer him. I grabbed my purse off the couch and rummaged through it to find my phone. A few more missed calls from my mother and a couple of missed texts from Eric, Olivia and Ramos. Eric was just checking in and Olivia was trying to figure out if we would ever speak again. I hadn’t the slightest idea as to what Ramos would want but it would have to wait.

I texted Eric then and there and he responded almost immediately that he was watching basketball with a bunch of his buddies. I sighed with relief and threw myself onto one of chairs at the kitchen table. I was grateful that Eric wasn’t wondering about my whereabouts. As long as he kept busy he wouldn’t question much. Which was perfect considering I couldn’t really explain where I was or who I was with all day. I’d never be able to explain and even if I told the truth he wouldn’t believe it. The less he asked the less I had to lie. Funny how our relationship always came down to don’t ask, don’t tell.

“Is everything alright,” Bill asked.

“Yes, everything is fine,” I said. “I just had a momentary freak out. I can’t believe I was out the whole day. What did you do while I slept?”

Bill turned
on the stove and started cooking eggs and bacon and the whole nine yards. I really didn’t know much of what he was doing as I hadn’t the slightest idea how to cook anything myself. Coffee and tea cumulatively made up my culinary repertoire. Oh and I could make a mean Margarita. But I was pretty sure that didn’t count as cooking. Coffee counted though. It had to, or else I was completely useless.

“I watched you sleep for a while,” he turned around and flashed a big smile. “You
’re adorable when you sleep,” he said returning his attention to the task at hand. “But inevitably, I got bored and read a book and answered a few emails.”

“You watched me sleep? No that’s not creepy at all,” I joked.

“Ha-Ha,” he responded playfully.

I watched him till he was finished and we ate together quietly on the kitchen island.
The food was delicious and I told him so. He thanked me graciously for the compliment and I wished so hard that I didn’t have to leave. But I couldn’t stay forever. It just wasn’t right. He had a life and I’d taken more of his day than he had bargained for.

“How do you feel about another session, possibly?” I asked nervously. I hoped he wasn’t having second thoughts about wanting to treat me.

“I think it’s absolutely necessary. Jolene, today I saw that you have some deep underlying issues that need resolution. These things can’t be addressed in one or two sessions. I thought you understood that this would be a long-term treatment plan. We haven’t yet scraped the first layer.”

I internally sung high praises for my new doctor. He was willing to work with me and it was more than I could ask for.

Chapter 26

The
massive workload I had to do this week felt more and more like a blessing in disguise. It served as the perfect distraction as all I wanted was to put that day at the sauna as far from my mind as humanly possible. How far away I could send that memory wasn’t entirely clear but I hoped somewhere along the lines of amnesia was possible. I wanted to forget. I needed to forget.

I found
I had a new found understanding and sympathy of alcoholism and those it claimed as its victims. I had more than my fair share of forgettable moments in my lifetime and the passage of time had forced me to understand alcohol’s ability to just make memories fade into a far off abyss. I doubted its ability to make me forget this though. My tried and true method of coping was murder and no amount of vodka, tequila or whiskey would change that. Too much booze would cramp my lifestyle.

Nor would t
here ever be enough paper work to fill my need of complete and utter avoidance of Olivia, but it would do for now. I’d been dodging her calls for over a week. Not to mention, the calls I avoided from my mother, Derek, Ramos, even a few from Eric. Though, I always called Eric at the end of the day and would talk for a while. He was my rock and I couldn’t face the world without him consoling me like a father to a child. Olivia used to help me see the brighter side of things too. Those days were out the window now. She wouldn’t be able to fill those voids for me anymore.