All of Me (18 page)

Ivey fingered the soft bristles on his jawline and tucked a lock of his hair that had fallen over his eye. “I love you, and you love me. We can get past this.”
Please, God, let us get past this
. She’d never wanted anything more in her life. Another chance. Did anyone really get over their first love? She never had.

His eyes were wet, and she thought maybe she really would die right there and then because she’d done this. She’d caused him this pain.

He took her hand and kissed the back of it. “I don’t know. I need some time.”

Time. Right. Time away from her. She was familiar with that refrain. “Maybe I should go stay with Brooke.”

This was where he would protest, and let her stay here where maybe within the next day or so they’d be back in each other’s arms again. But he only gazed at her with red-rimmed eyes and said, “Maybe you should.”

*****

Ivey and Brooke hadn’t tripped over each other yet, but they had bumped into each other several times over the past week. Hard not to in a nine-hundred-square-foot cottage.

Even so, Brooke wouldn’t hear of any other arrangement.

“This is temporary, because you two will be back together in no time.” Brooke said as they stood hip to hip in what passed as the kitchen.

“Don’t be so sure. You might be stuck with me, and rentals don’t come up every day.”

“You’re telling me. I’ve wanted to get out of this place for years. I’ve got enough money saved up and no place to rent. But I’ve got my eye on Mrs. McCreety’s place. She’s ninety. How much longer can she last?”

“Brooke!” Was that what it had come to? Wishing people dead?

Brooke only shrugged. “The thing to do is buy land. One of these days I’ll get my hands on some of it.”

Everybody had to have a dream. Ivey had received part of her dream a few days ago when Lillian phoned with the job offer. She’d start next month, working in the women’s center. One of her proudest achievements, and she wasn’t sure why it didn’t feel like enough.

Now, the tears—she’d shed enough of those. It had been a week of staying in, feeling sorry for herself, and waiting for a phone call. But now she was all done with pathetic and ready at the very least to go to lunch and maybe for a little retail therapy.

Brooke drove, since she had a nice BMW company car and Ivey had still to go car shopping. Brooke cruised down Main Street. For a Saturday in the middle of the day, it wasn’t all that busy. Then again the grape harvest had come and gone, and summer and tourist season were about to close up shop.

“Where to?” Brooke asked. “Anywhere. It’s my treat.”

“Anywhere but Mama’s Diner.” Ivey might run into Jeff there, and she wasn’t ready. She’d need to be ready by next month when she started her job at the hospital, but by then, well, she didn’t know what she would do, but she’d figure something out.

“Let’s try the All the Tea and China. It’s brand new and I haven’t tried it yet.”

Ivey didn’t notice the ribbon until they were at the front door to the eatery. But right there, poised prominently on the front door—a beautiful and large pink ribbon. Clearly new and fresh, not an old faded one from the past. Not this again.

“Oh no,” Ivey breathed, but Brooke pretty much pushed through the front door.

“Don’t worry, I’ll find out what this is all about,” Brooke said, waving to a petite young redhead who might be new in town, since Ivey didn’t recognize her at all.

“Hi, Brooke. I ordered my pink ribbon as soon as I heard. And you must be Ivey. I’m Genevieve, and I own this place.” She waved a hand around the small eatery filled with porcelain, teacups, and pictures of Paris on the walls.

“Why do you have a pink ribbon?” Ivey managed to squeak out.

“I heard you two broke up again and the chamber decided to go back to the ribbons. It’s the best way of letting everyone know which side we represent.”

“Sides? There are no sides,” Ivey said as she took a seat at one of the wrought-iron tables.

“It’s fun. Don’t you love small towns and all their little quirks?”

“No,” Brooke answered, taking a menu from Genevieve.

“Remind me again why I decided to go out today.” Ivey threw a pointed look at Brooke.

“To show your face. Let everyone know ‘Hello world, it’s me, Ivey, and I’m not going to go down without a fight.’ Something like that, anyway.”

“Oh yeah. I forgot.” Ivey tried to break out a smile and it took such effort she was sure it died before it even got to her lips. Not happening today.

Brooke noticed. “See that? That’s exactly why I’m never falling in love.”

“What?”

“That look on your face. Love hurts. And you’ve let love for that man torture you since you were sixteen years old.”

“I should have told him.”

“All right, so maybe I was wrong. Next time don’t take advice from a woman who’s never been in a serious and committed relationship. I can’t do much more for you, but I promise you I’ll take care of those pink and blue ribbons.”

“I don’t mind, actually. It’s kind of sweet.”

“How is it sweet?”

“They do it because they care about us. They’re showing their support the only way they know how. And Genevieve is right. It is kind of fun. All the blue and pink ribbons all over town. Like a party.”

“That’s a new way to look at it. I remember how upset you were when you first heard about it.”

But when she’d first come home, she’d tried to move forward and pretend she hadn’t lost everything. She’d always felt like the wronged one, but it turned out that hadn’t been entirely true.

Seemed also that she was stronger than ribbons.

After lunch, Brooke and Ivey walked past storefronts covered in pink and blue ribbons. For the first time, Ivey noticed many storefronts with both a pink and a blue ribbon and people who were smiling and winking. This, she supposed, passed for entertainment. No harm done.

They heard the loud voice of a woman inside Ed’s Hardware store. “Seriously, get a hobby. Get a life. Stop giving these out!”

“Give those back to me. They’re for paying customers!” Ed could be heard shouting back.

“Send me the bill.” Ivey nearly collided with Ali as she stormed out the front door, carrying a box of blue ribbons. “Sorry about all this. I know how it must seem.”

“I don’t mind anymore,” Ivey explained. But she couldn’t stop staring at the box of blue ribbons in Ali’s hands. 

“We’ve decided it’s quaint,” Brooke offered.

Ali smiled. “Is quaint the new word for crazy?”

All three of them had a good laugh, while Ed eyed them suspiciously through the front glass door entrance.

Ali pulled Ivey to the side. “But seriously, please don’t give up on him. I happen to know that he loves you.”

“I know. And I love him.” She would until the day she died, but maybe love wasn’t enough when two people had hurt each other so much.

“He’s super stubborn when he’s hurt. He usually nurses his wounds for a while, like a grumpy bear. And I know work has been strangling him from the inside out for some time.  Please be patient.”

“All right,” Ivey said with a shaky voice.

Ali waved good-bye, throwing the box of ribbons in the trunk of her car and slamming it shut with a loud thump.

“Wow. That was something, huh?” Brooke asked.

Amazing, seeing Ali come to Ivey’s defense that way. Ivey would have expected even worse from her, once she’d found out about the big lie. Not this kind of compassion and understanding from the woman who would have done anything to protect Jeff.

Unless she was finally clear on the fact that he didn’t need any protecting from Ivey.

“Are you certain?” Dr. Cooper asked.

“I haven’t come to the decision lightly. I’m sure.” Jeff sat across from the chief of cardiology.

“It means you start all over again with your residency. And I know how hard you’ve worked for the hospital. But if I’m being honest, I’d love for you to come aboard.”

No, it hadn’t been part of the plan, but there it was. Emergency medicine wasn’t a good fit, and the more Jeff had considered it over the past two weeks, cardiology fit right with where he wanted and needed to be. He didn’t want to wind up four years later, unhappy with his career, still questioning whether or not he was doing any good. And was there anything more important to the human condition than the heart?

“And a pediatric cardiologist? Dr. Leonard is doing great work here. He’ll be thrilled.”

“I guess it’s a matter of waiting for an opening now. I’ve already informed my attending.”

“Right. I’ll meet with Lillian, and we’ll see how fast we can get this done.”

Jeff made his way to the lounge and his locker. He wasn’t kidding himself. It might be a while before there was a resident slot in cardiology. But now that he was certain of where he needed to be, he didn’t mind waiting.

He still had a lot on his plate for today. Okay maybe he was still a little bit into planning, but who would have thought he’d wind up pursuing a specialty in pediatrics? Still, the more he’d thought about it the better it felt. Seemed right, rang true to him. He’d always liked kids, had once planned to have three of them with Ivey’s help. And in some small way, he thought maybe if he could help sick kids, he’d be making up for the fact that he hadn’t been there for his own baby.

Yeah, it hadn’t been his fault. Not entirely. But maybe if he hadn’t been so insistent on planning every aspect of their future life together, Ivey might have felt comfortable coming to him. She might not have thought she’d be ruining everything. Maybe if he hadn’t been so wrapped up in medicine, in his career, expecting Ivey to meekly come along as a silent partner, he would have seen the signs.

Some things in life did require planning. Only not when it came to love. He hadn’t expected to fall in love in high school. Certainly hadn’t thought he’d want to marry his first love. But that’s exactly what would happen, if Ivey would still have him. Because he couldn’t be without her. Not like he hadn’t tried. They both had. Five years and she wasn’t out of his system. When she’d waltzed back into town, something in his heart popped open, and it was almost as if his life had been on pause for five years. Then Ivey had hit “play” again and they’d been off to the races.

He was a long way from being able to afford to support a wife in the style he’d planned at one time, and he had a few years ahead of him before he could be in practice. But he’d leave it up to Ivey this time. They didn’t have to wait another minute to be married as far as he was concerned. There was an official courthouse in the next town over, and if that didn’t work, there was a rumor that Burt the chief of police was secretly an ordained minister.

Now all he needed was the ring.

*****

A week later, Ivey had avoided it long enough, and now it was time to visit Mom’s grave. It must have been hard for Mom to live in wine country, trying to pretend that she was like everyone else and could stop at one or two drinks.

Speculating wouldn’t do any good now, because Mom hadn’t stopped drinking even after child protective services threatened to take Ivey away. She didn’t stop drinking for Aunt Lucy, who didn’t understand why Beth couldn’t go out drinking Friday night without winding up under the table.

The cemetery where Mom had been buried was on the outskirts of town, ironically on land rumored to have long ago been occupied by a vineyard that had gone out of business. Ivey hadn’t been here since the day of the burial.

Along the way, Ivey stopped at a flower stand and bought a dozen gardenias, Mom’s favorite flower. Ivey heard a florist say that gardenias were not a good idea in arrangements—they were fragile and required a precise amount of light and cool nights and the leaves turned brown after being touched, making them almost impossible to work with. But maybe Mom should have what she’d wanted in death, even if she couldn’t have it in life.

Ivey bent down and replaced the plastic flowers with the gardenias, even if they wouldn’t last long in this environment. Kind of like Mom.

Ivey didn’t know what to say to a gravestone. Mom wasn’t really here, but maybe Ivey could pretend for a minute. Despite the fact that Mom had made life at home a minefield, Ivey didn’t blame her any more. Some people could be as fragile as the gardenias, and couldn’t help but make mistakes. Mom had made a lot of them, but so had Ivey.

She was learning to forgive herself. “Hi, Mom. Sorry it’s been so long. I hope you don’t mind me asking, but if there’s a special place in heaven for babies that were never born would you please find my baby there? Give her a hug from me.”

She didn’t want to cry, but when a memory of Jeff’s warm hand slipping inside hers on the day of Mom’s funeral came to mind, tears flooded her view.

She hadn’t heard from Jeff in two weeks, and although she tried to tell herself that fourteen days wasn’t all that long, every day seemed to be further proof that Jeff couldn’t forgive her. Couldn’t trust her, and would never get past her betrayal.

But she wasn’t going anywhere. Running wouldn’t solve anything. If Jeff thought she’d ever give up on him again, he was about to find out different. She’d wait for him, and give him all the time and space he needed. However much time was necessary for him to realize they were meant to be together. She’d be patient this time. Jeff was right in that life sometimes needed a plan.