All of Me (42 page)

Authors: Kim Noble

BOOK: All of Me

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I didn’t mind Oprah’s little caveat, although I was disappointed when a couple of viewers wrote to say Aimee seemed lost and abandoned when she was crying on stage. They didn’t see me lean over to cuddle her because those moments were edited out for time reasons.

What really concerned me, however, was when another guest on the show, the adult daughter of a woman with DID who’d died recently, was asked if she had any advice for Aimee. She had three words: ‘Support your mother.’

Aimee and I were sitting in the audience by this stage. If we hadn’t been I’d have leapt up to answer that. I’ve got support workers and therapists to support me. Aimee’s my daughter, not my caretaker. She deserves the childhood this body was so brutally denied. It’s my job to love and raise her to the best of my abilities, not to depend on her. She’s a child, for goodness’ sake!

It was so frustrating not being able to reply. What’s more, sitting in the audience, the emotional magnitude of what I’d seen on film really hit me and I started to cry. Tears were streaming down my face and the last thing I wanted was to be seen crying when the rest of the audience was laughing at Oprah’s jokes. So I said to Aimee, ‘I need to get out of here. If it doesn’t finish soon I’ll have to walk.’ A moment later, Oprah walked to the other side of the stage and a crew member appeared at my elbow and led us out. I thought,
Wow, they think of everything here.

I forgot we were still wearing microphones!

Someone in the director’s booth had heard every word.

If anything, having DID only makes us more determined to give Aimee the best life possible. She’s not just the number one priority in my life. All the personalities love her – especially Bonny and Hayley obviously – which is why birthdays and Christmases are so much fun. It’s not unusual for Aimee to get cards and presents from a dozen of us, depending on who’s around at the time. I do sometimes leave a note in the art room reminding people that the birthday is coming up, but they all shop for gifts themselves. I can’t complain, even when I see my money disappearing without my doing anything. After all, it’s Kim Noble’s name on the credit cards and cheque books, not mine. They’ve as much right as anyone to spend it.

The biggest compliment anyone can pay Aimee – or me – is that she seems like a normal kid – because she is! She likes too much TV, she leaves her homework much too late, she wants more pets in the house than I do – in other words she’s exactly the same as all her friends.

Ten, twenty, even thirty years ago my greatest ambition was to remember today more clearly than I remembered the previous one. Memory was always at the heart of my problems. I felt if I could recall exactly what had happened or what I’d done, then the myriad medics and interfering do-gooders wouldn’t have had a leg to stand on. They could bully me all they liked with their claims that I’d done this or said that and I would have been able to stand up and say, ‘No. This is what happened.’ I tried to do that anyway, of course, but there were always such gaps in recollection that even though I knew I was innocent I couldn’t prove it. I couldn’t usually even come up with a plausible alibi.

Three decades later I can’t believe how much my life has changed. I haven’t seen the inside of a hospital since God knows when and I’m not on any medication at all. To think how differently things could have turned out if Hayley hadn’t fought the schizophrenia diagnosis and not gone to a mental health tribunal. From what other people have told me, I’d probably still be a ward of court now. Once you’re on the slippery slope it’s hard to change direction.

But the psychotic shuffle wasn’t for me – or us. All the personalities were united on this, I think. We each, in our way, railed against the enforced medication. We schemed and plotted and lied and we refused to take the pills.

Hayley, again, has to take credit for the way she triumphed over the forces conspiring against her. She was the one subjected to the horrific acid and arson attacks. She saved us all. But the rest of us can take some reward. For every personality inclined to fall by the wayside or give in, there are many more who will come out fighting. I’m proud to feel that I am one of those.

Coming to terms with DID has obviously been the single largest moment of my life. As I’ve said, in many ways it would be more plausible to be informed I was from the planet Krypton or I was actually a character in a movie, like Jim Carrey in
The Truman Show.
But I hope I’ve repaid the body’s faith in me. I was always the personality who came out on social occasions, at parties, lunch hours, pubs or on dates. I was the one with the glass of white wine and the witty remark. Even after years of subjugation and experimentation at the hands of the medical establishment I never stopped smiling. I’m not exactly a tub-thumper like Hayley but I’m no quitter. Knock me down and I will get up – stronger and still smiling.

These are the qualities the body identified when it chose me as a dominant personality, the character traits that allowed me to establish and promote Kim Noble as an artist, to raise a young daughter despite towering opposition, and to even write this book. They’re the qualities that I hope anyone reading this who suffers from DID or knows someone with multiple personalities will take on board as well. If I can get this far in life, if I can keep so many plates spinning without the whole set crashing down, then anyone can. DID shouldn’t have to be the end of one life. It should be the beginning of many.

They’re also the qualities I hope to pass onto our daughter.

Having said how strong I’ve needed to be, there is one thing that scares me.

When Kim, Hayley and Bonny were our body’s dominant personalities, I only came out for an hour or two per day, if that. One by one those women faded into the background, however, until I took over the mantle of main alter. There are no rules where DID is concerned. What if that happened to me? What if I just began to fade away again?

I’ve already been dominant for longer than the last two so in a sense the writing is on the wall. On the other hand, I haven’t had to endure the trials they were subjected to. If anything, by introducing painting into our lives, I’ve actively helped to steady the ship. According to Dr Laine, our lives have never been less chaotic. The painting seems to have provided an alternative outlet for some of those with suicidal thoughts and in other cases has just made the rest of us strong enough to resist. And Aimee, Dr Laine says, couldn’t be in better hands. After all, she managed to be voted Head Girl at her school.

That’s my true reason for not wanting to fade away, of course. What mother could ever countenance being separated from her daughter? I may not have given birth to her but there is no one and nothing more important in my life than Aimee.

The truth is, I have played a bit part in Kim Noble’s life for most of my existence. If I’m honest, I never noticed, so in theory it wouldn’t be so bad to return to that.

And yet I didn’t have Aimee then. Mentally I was stuck at twenty-one years old for so long I was oblivious to anyone else ageing. Now I know about DID, however, I wouldn’t be able to walk in and out of Aimee’s life without being acutely aware of every passing day, every minute I’ve missed.

And who would replace me? I can’t think of a single personality who I would trust. It’s nothing personal, because obviously I’ve never met any of the others, but I do have the classic over-protective parent feeling that no one is going to be good enough for my little girl! From what I’ve heard there isn’t another one in the same mould as me, Bonny and Hayley. What if Abi became my replacement? Would she be prepared to alter her lifestyle? Or Dawn – could she ever accept Aimee as her own flesh and blood?

And what about Aimee herself? Of course I’d be mortified to slide out of her life but I’d be just as worried about the effect on her. When Bonny left she was heartbroken. It took months of concerted effort between me and Dr Laine to win her trust, to convince her that I could be a mother to her. I would truly hate to know she was going through that ordeal again. Bonny and Aimee still see each other from time to time but the reunions are tinged with sadness. There’s always so much to catch up on that they don’t get a moment to just enjoy being together.

I couldn’t bear that to be me. Every time I saw her little face I’d feel guilty that I’d left.

It’s one thing to talk a good game. A few years ago I had the chance to do something about it.

Ever since I became the dominant alter, the care order imposed on Aimee at birth has been hanging over my head. I’m not a litigious person like Hayley, I don’t thrive on confrontations like Bonny, but as every year passed and we were subjected to another patronising, intimidating placement meeting every six months, I could see why Bonny got so angry.

I am Aimee’s mother. I’m not some foster parent. Look at her – you can’t even be contemplating taking her away.

Month after month went by, with solicitations made by each side. Our lawyer said this, social services came back with that. As far as I could see it was a game of legal table tennis with no sign of anyone dropping the ball, so eventually a court date was set. The car journey there was the most nervous of my life. It felt like the worst hangover ever. I couldn’t bear to think of the consequences of failing. Hayley and Bonny had achieved so much for the body – I didn’t want to be the one to let our side down.

I also knew that the pressure of fighting authority for so long had taken its toll on both of them. It was a very real fear that the stress of taking the council on again could have the same result for me. I could disappear for good, someone else could take over, and I would never see my daughter again.

The idea petrified me. I’d already been the dominant personality for as long as Bonny and Hayley and I didn’t know if there was a maximum time for running the body. But if I was going to fade into the background again like them, I needed to make sure Aimee’s future was secure first.

I could drag the story out, tell you every detail of the court case and all the arguments for and against. But I won’t. I will just say that in December 2008 the care order on Aimee Melissa Noble was finally lifted.

She was mine –
ours
– for good, forever.

After everything our body had been subjected to by abusers, doctors and red tape, we’d kept on fighting. And now we’d won.

Useful Resources

North America and Canada

Mosaic Minds

Provides information and support for those affected by DID.

Mosaic Minds, Inc, PO Box 24, Marysville, WA 98270

www.mosaicminds.org

Sidran Institute

A non-profit organisation helping people to understand, recover from and treat traumatic stress, dissociative disorders and other issues.

200 East Joppa Road, Suite 207, Baltimore, MD 21286-3107

Email:
[email protected]