All of These Things (15 page)

“Of course,” he repeats. “I was willing to. I’m still willing to. Everything, Caroline. I’ll tell you everything, and even if you don’t ask me something, I’ll tell you even that. Please, I want to see you.”

Alec’s right on the button again. His damned way of saying the right thing and knowing what I want or what I need better than I know myself has been achingly gratifying. The idea that I might not see him again after we leave Maine haunts me. It’s too painful to contemplate, which makes what I’m doing here more necessary.

“I’ll meet you,” he says. “I’ll come to you. Or you come to me! Or we’ll meet half way on the road, or at the beach, or even at the bar. I’ll climb to the top of the Ferris wheel, Caroline. I don’t care where, love, but I need to see you. I beg you.”

Desire instantly courses through me. My body feels deprived, needy with dark yearning intensifying very low in my belly. My breathing alters. It’s a raucous of shallow breaths, and I feel like I’m sitting on a cavity that’s desperate to serve a purpose and be inhabited. I’m so aware of how barren I feel, and the recognition contracts in my core. It’s hard to bear when everything between my belly and knees feels swollen and provoked.

“Caroline,” Alec implores. “Please, love,”

I shudder, finding my wits nonetheless.

“Well, then,” I say, “You’ll have to beat me to it because I’m already on my way.”

“Stay,” he orders. “Don’t move. Stay on the phone with me, and I’ll drive out. I’m not giving you another second to rethink this. We’ll talk. Just talk, alright, love? I’m leaving immediately. Where are you, sweetheart?”

I smirk.

There’s a small disturbance exiting the house—a slamming door, dropping of keys, and finally, I see a very agitated Alecsander zipping down the steps. An insatiable stirring enflames my insides.

“I’m parked next to your big, fat, flashy truck,” I announce haughtily.

Chapter Eighteen

Having the upper hand with Alec truly does things to me. I clamp my legs together, ogling him.

Alec quells.

He’s patently mollified at the bottom of the steps, and he gawks, finding me. His air is a ferocious mess and his gaze wary. I fail to repress another pretentious grin and bite my lip along with it.

He is a superb specimen, and I don’t want to try to wrap my head around that anymore. What would be the point of finding objectivity or reason if Alec unravels me every time? I crave to come undone in the midst of his agonizing intoxication. I watch him begin to move.

Swiftly, Alec’s by my door, swinging it ajar, and he drops on his heels. It reminds me of the night we first spoke, his face aglow as he tended to the fire. His self-assured swagger is mine for the taking.

I’m exhilarated to see him so tense and overwrought as the outside world invades my senses. He hovers below me, watchfully and intimately. The air is fresher here—heavier with green perfumes; effortless aromatherapy permeating our confined space. I can define the mere inches between us, making it so easy to touch him if I tried. I’ve become greedy for Alec. The knowledge seeps through me like a blend of hot poison and delicious wine. He watches me inspect him, vigilant of my soaring emotions. My eyes scour through his soft curls, stopping hungrily at his mouth. His beauty is a blow to my heart, and I surrender, forfeiting my self-made resolutions about him. From the beginning, they’ve yearned for me to fail, and at long last, I give up, the world vanishing.

I lunge at him, perhaps even pushing him back a little because he braces for a fall. I seize his face between my palms, sealing the weight of my feelings against his lips. A groan rumbles out of me, merging with one of his own. I moan, and sensations are clearly transmitted to my groin. I’ve never known desire to fog the mind like this, but my body registers every single buzz and thrill. I tighten my grip, hands scrunching Alec’s marvelous hair like it’s a supernatural phenomenon. He rises slightly, slithering against me, and we recline clumsily, sprawling across the front seats. It hurts to pull my face away from his, but I break the kiss to collect some of my bearings.

“I had to see what that would feel like,” I say, needing to hold onto something for dear life since my heartrate is through the sun roof.

Alec’s mouth twitches, and he cocks a brow.

“You don’t play fair, Caroline. You must do that again because I wasn’t ready, love.” His breath stabilizes, but I’m still totally winded.

We linger there, our eyes emptying verities and needs. Alec doesn’t shift. He hangs back, and the delay pronounces his refusal to touch me unless I’m explicitly clear to move on. My breasts ache, my lips burn, and my innards throb. I cover his mouth with mine.

Our tongues plunge in chorus, and we take full advantage of our mouths. Alec clasps his hands on either side of my head, owning my mouth—our tongues grinding and bumping. It’s insane, reckless kissing like I’ve never known. His palm glides to my shoulder, inclining my chin so he explores my neck and collar bone. I moan, wanting this, and craving more as my off-the-shoulder blouse serves a bountiful purpose.

“I could ravish you.” His whisper is penetrating. My skin spikes up, tingling. Alec’s hand slips past my arm and around my midriff. He enfolds me from the waist as his other hand caresses my hair.

He’s so close to my many burning, heaving parts, but Alec redirects his complete manual attention to my face, clutching my head. My shorts scrub against me, sweetly chafing more deprived regions as I run my fingertips over his shirt, caressing Alec’s back. I plough my nails into his skin, and he emits a muted growl, fleetingly breaking our kiss, leaving my mouth cold and empty. I roll my hips against his, and he bears down on me, the pressure inside his jeans undeniable.

“Caroline,” he mutters.

“Hmm…” I speak up softly, my brain lost in action under a blissful haze.

“First of all, I don’t care what you say, but this would have been more comfortable in my big, fat, flashy truck.” He leans in to suck on my bottom lip.

I laugh, sliding my hands around his neck as he deposits his forehead on mine.

“Please don’t make me live to regret this,” he continues, “but I do think we should stop—God help me—and have that talk.”

I frown inadvertently, making Alec chortle.

“You’re insatiable, are you?” He kisses me deeply again. “Come on, now, love. Let me bring you inside,” he says, commencing a smooth dismount.

The gravel road up to Alec’s rental unit was steady enough, but finding sure footage after a mind-blowing kiss was not an easy task. My legs wavered, varying from quivering to numb, and lust for this man had me aching. Desire mangled my nerves, and I feel battered and contorted just carrying this heavy need. I prop my arms on the deck’s pine railing, overlooking the bottom of a hill that’s besieged by rock and green-yellow sward. I concentrate, slowly attaining a semblance of fluid, steady breaths while allowing the contagious serenity to influence me.

“I’ve imagined you exactly where you are,” Alec breaks in.

My head shifts slightly, and I catch sight of him. He’s on the threshold between the deck and the living room, our eyes exchanging carnal indulgence. I exhale. He’s so tantalizing, stirring my body to clench in angles and places I never remarked could.

He sets a small bowl of grapes on a side table by a reclining patio chair and does the same with a wooden butcher board, displaying a small array of cheese and water biscuits.

“You’ve put me through hell these last few days,” I say, my soft voice laced with audacity.

Alec startles.

His shoulders roll up until he’s strikingly erect, drawing his t-shirt snug against his chest. His spine completely straightens, and he can’t be anymore arresting. I brace myself because he’s so imposing and exquisitely manly this way. I gasp lightly, wishing it were darker because my face is burning.

Alec’s caught so off-guard that he’s still struggling with what to say. I really do love it when I manage that. He frowns, desperately grasping for words. I turn on my heel, confronting him head-on from tip to toe, the curve of my back touching the railing.

“I feel like I run rampant with you,” I continue, “and I can’t, for the life of me, decide if I like it or not.”

He licks his lips, passing a fleeting look to the woods behind me.

“Do you want to go?” he asks, his mouth issuing me a hard line.

“No,” I respond.

His relief is palpable. I flush, desiring him all over again.

“It’s just that I hardly recognize myself when I’m with you, and if we’re being honest here,” I dish out, “I don’t even have to be with you for that to happen. I just think of you, and I’m suddenly someone I’ve never met before. You’re too much, Alec. It’s too disconcerting.”

He’s transfixed. I’ve put my cards down on the table, and there’s no misconstruing what I’m presenting. Once again, I’ve plucked the courage to come out with it—chronically trying something dangerous or unexpected when I’m around Alec which is indicative of the point I’m trying to bring to light.

His gaze pins me down, and I’m taken aback. He takes a cool, solid step forward but halts after completing it like he’s remembered something.

“Can I come closer?” he asks, echoing the question he summoned in O’Malley’s pool, the one he made after I concluded the narration of my dreams. It’s a brief, succinct question, but it means absolutely everything to me.

“No,” I say, and leap forward, winding down my stony demeanour by securing my mouth against his. I kiss him violently and desire explodes.

Alec groans in my mouth, the sound reverberating through me. On the double, it sends a ripple of intense pleasure through me. I pour everything I’m feeling into this kiss, liberating every plea and trace of truth. Alec has an expulsion of desire with me, his fingers digging barbarously into my hair, and I feel his wrists pressing on my cheeks. I can hardly kiss him as I want to with the unbridled squeeze to my face. He snaps off from my mouth, and we heave air into our lungs, decelerating the panting.

“Do you have any idea how much it bloody hurts to never know if you’re coming or going?” he asks, his forehead flattening mine.

I nod.

His mouth swoops down again, delectably invading mine.

“No, you don’t, Caroline.” He gives me another grave squeeze, pressing his body against mine as he sucks and nibbles at my neck.

My mind is a blustery mess. I can’t form a proper thought, but my body rejoices at the evidence of his hot fervour. The intensifying rigidness behind his denim hounds me closely to where I ache and need. Reluctantly, he begins to disconnect. We’re half-hearted about it, definitely unenthusiastic and averse to the pain. It hurts in ways I’ve never known to stop a kiss. He steps back, slowly releasing my shoulders from his palms. My mouth is dry and slack, and Alec hooks my hands with his. Even that makes me subtly quake.

“Love, you need to stop kissing me because I can’t bear to sever connections with you, and we need to talk,” he says, wiping his beautiful face with the back of a hand.

I draw in a breath. “Okay,” I manage through the hot squall of a lascivious windstorm.

“Okay,” he says feebly.

I sigh, returning to my original place by the railing, taking in the obscuring scenery. Alec shuffles inside, and I pry my eyes to stay where they are, staring through the trees intently at nothing at all. My legs are numb, and the rest of my body laments. I inwardly groan. The yearning makes me tender all over.

“Wine,” Alec says upon his return. I hear him deposit a bottle on the table, and he joins me at my side, proffering a stemless glass, and we clink the goblets.

“Cheers, love.”

“Cheers,” I say.

“Now, ask me what you must, Caroline. Let’s get this done and finally over with, sweetheart.” His gaze is intense.

A breath catches in my throat.

There are so many things I can say, questions I can knit out, judgements I can make. I tread lightly, eyeing golden rules at all times:
think before you speak, don’t judge him if you haven’t walked in his shoes
. I’m not here to deliver a ruling on the matter. My offer to Alec is letting him bend my ear. This isn’t some fork in our road. We’re just at an intersection, converging bit by bit, methodically and cautiously as I’d treat anything that’s delicate and precious to me. I’m not certain what my plan was tonight before arriving here, but I’m more acquainted with my intentions now. I’m here to listen, comprehend, and maybe leave here appreciating him more than I already do. I’ve budged my inner child, and she’s awake, making room for Alec around the orange life saver in a pool of compassion, as this man takes a staunch and undeniable place alongside my father and Sofie—around that life buoy in my dream.

I aim to lighten the mood somewhat.

“When was your last girlfriend?” I ask, discerning that it not only came out wrong, but it’s not exactly the topic we’re to be conversing about at this very moment.

He looks wildly around the great outdoors.

“My last
girlfriend
,” he asks gobsmacked.

I watch Alec dither over whether he should laugh or make an objection. I wait for his confusion to taper down.

“I tell you something that made you absolutely shudder, not to mention coming forth with it was hardly easy on me, and you’re asking about my female companions?”

“We’ll get to the other thing soon enough,” I announce.

“
We’ll get to it
?” he baulks. Alec’s eyes narrow with a small, emerging grin. “Will you ever stop surprising me, Caroline?”

I watch him collect his thoughts as he attempts to decrypt mine.

“What would be the fun in that?”

He glares down at me, the wonder in his eyes spiked by passion. It’s breathtaking.

“What would be the fun indeed,” he utters potently. “You beguile me. You know that, don’t you?”

“Maybe,” I say, playing along some more, definitely testing my flirting capabilities.

“A tad proud of yourself, too, are you?”

I falter because a smile breaks out, and I purse my mouth to obstruct a rising chuckle. Alec shakes his head slightly. “Do you have any idea how alluring you are when you’re brave like this?”

I shift, locating a spot for my glass but don’t make a move to deposit it yet.

“You’re bewitching, Caroline. I should stay clear of you.”

“Right back at you,
love
.” I steal his line.

“Touché.” He smirks.

Alec takes my glass and leads me to the chaise longue. I recline, my feelings hardly reposed, but I manage awkwardly to settle in quasi-comfortable. He sits next to me, his back side skimming my legs as he reaches for the nibblers he’s prepared. He twists a little to face me, serving me a cracker topped with a sliver of goat cheese. I accept it cautiously. His hand so close to my mouth disorients me, and it’s taxing to guard my tongue from touching his fingers.

“I suppose my last girlfriend, per se, was back in England,” Alec begins, “maybe over two years ago. I was home for longer stretches then, and we were in a semi-relationship near and around seven months.” Alec feeds me a grape. I bite on it, and the relief its juiciness brings makes me realize how parched and dehydrated I’ve gotten.

“What’s her name?” I ask.

Alec looks at me askew.

“Love, I don’t mean to be a complete arse, but she’s inconsequential. Albeit she’s fine and dandy and all, but she never really grew on me more than that.”

“Name,” I press.

He lets a heavy sigh go.

“Thea,” he says, “She was a colleague of an old mate, his flatmate for a while, too, and we dated more or less exclusively after a few weeks of casual set ups and encounters. I did try to want more from that, but it didn’t amount to anything for me. I was sincere with her, and she and I resolved to faze the relationship out without dramatic consequence.”

“Do you still keep in touch?” I ask, hoping I’m not exhibiting insecurities. I do find myself wondering what Thea looks like, though.

“No. I heard she married, and I wish her well,” he says, nonchalant.