All or Nothing (4 page)

Ben bit his tongue in an effort to stop the escape of any noise through his lips. He wasn’t about to indicate the amount of pain he was in. His muscles were screaming in agony, but he held on tight, and held his pose with every fiber of his being.

Flat on his back, hands out to his sides, he grasped the hands of the people on each side of him, legs together, forcing himself to relax to try to dull the pain in his muscles. Ride it out, he repeated to himself again and again. Just ride it out.

He heard the water coming—the hard fast rush of the waves—and fought even harder not to move because he knew he was being watched. Closer now, even closer, almost there. The minute it hit his feet, he had less than a second to close his eyes and hold his breath. Each time holding his breath longer and longer until he thought surely his lungs were going to burst, the burning pain in his chest almost worse than the cramping muscles.

That had been the longest one yet. Thankfully, it was over. Forcing his brain to shut down, his legs to relax, he kept a tight grip on the two men on each side of him, opened his eyes, and breathed slow and steady. No gulps of air. A nice quiet breath, keeping a steady pace, in and out. Calming his heart rate down, preparing for the next one.

Twice now the man on his right tried to pull out of his grasp, but Ben wasn’t letting go. No, go in as a unit, come out as a unit. No one was letting go on his watch.

Others were screaming in agony, but not him. He wasn’t making a sound, wasn’t letting anyone know the pain raging through his very soul. They were all in pain, he knew, but he refused to let his show.

Trent tried to pull out of his grasp to his left, but Ben wasn’t letting go of him either.

The two of them came into this together, and they were leaving together. It was their pact—never let each other down. Ben had even let Trent talk him into some silly Celtic ring with a design symbolizing strength, unity and courage. One too many drinks had made Ben agreeable to purchasing the ring, but not to wearing it. Still, it was their bond when they made their decision to do this together.

His mind shifted back to the task at hand. This time he heard it coming—the dull roaring in his ears—telling him it was going to be bigger, and harder, and crueler than the rest. He timed it perfectly. A flicker out of his eye didn’t distract him. He only forced his eyes straight ahead, focused intensely. He felt it hit his feet, sucked in a fast breath as quietly as he could at the very last second, then held on tight.

He counted off the time in his head and pushed his body down, forcing it not to move, ignoring the blaze in his lungs, and the scorching in his muscles. He was losing control, but he refused to let go. He needed to hold on, just a bit longer, only a bit longer.
Was it ever going to end, though?

Finally, freedom. The only movements of his body were his eyes opening and the slight parting of his lips while he tried to get air back into his lungs in a slow and steady rhythm. Trying to calm his racing heart, which was moving faster than a jackhammer. Surely it could be seen through his clothes. There was a bell ringing in the background. Many weren’t going to make it, but he wasn’t going to be one of those men.

He became aware of the coughing around him, the moaning and the gagging. Then finally his commanding officer standing by his head, leaning over, eyes drilling into his. A short nod of the officer’s head had Ben shifting slightly, looking around and realizing there were only a few left. Trent on his left, the man holding onto Trent’s hand, and another holding onto Ben’s right hand, and another after him. The five of them connected with Ben in the middle.

Now three of those five men were on their hands and knees throwing up, trying to get their breath back. Not him. He jumped to his feet and stood at attention a split second before Trent did.

They made it. Trent was gasping and coughing, but he did it. The only sign of what they went through on Ben was the dripping uniform clinging to his body, and the slight rise and fall of his chest. The two of them stood there, ready for their next order. They were going to complete Hell Week. And then on to the next training.

Ben woke up gasping for breath. Sucking in air like he never had before. His body was shaking and he was covered in a fine sheet of cold sweat. It seemed so real, like he had been transported back in time, feeling like he did all those years ago. His shirt was soaked, his body was shivering and he
swore
he was still there, on that beach as wave after wave of bitter-cold ocean crashed down on him.

He wasn’t, though. He was home in his bed on a Monday night, and it was just another nightmare. How much longer could this go on? It had been almost a month since the last one. He thought things were getting better. Thankfully, it wasn’t anything like it was in the beginning, when he would get nightmares several times a week… if not every time he closed his eyes.

Running his hands across his face, he threw the covers back to get a drink of water. His feet were just hitting the floor when he heard the floor squeak in a different part of the house.

He paused, listened, and heard it again. Footsteps, quiet, but not quiet enough. He cursed the fact that he was so lost in the memories that he never heard someone entering his house. He was losing his edge.

Grabbing the gun from under his pillow, he stood up and made his way to the bedroom door, stopped and listened for a second, reassessed, then started to move. It was coming from below him in the kitchen.

Opening the door to his room just a crack, he slid out and walked down the hall, his back against the wall, continuing to listen. Whoever it was wasn’t trying very hard to be quiet at this point.

Ben waited it out, then made his move down the stairs, around the corner and outside the kitchen doorway, his gun at his side. He listened carefully, followed the movement of shadows, then frowned. His refrigerator door opened with the light filling the kitchen, and he made his move.

Swiftly, silent as a mouse, he turned in the doorway and aimed his gun, keeping his body partially behind the doorframe.

“Jesus Christ, Ben,” Alec yelled, the bottle of water in his hand falling to the floor. “Are you trying to give me a heart attack? What the hell!”

Ben lowered the gun. “What the hell are
you
doing? Haven’t I told you guys never to show up unannounced? I could have shot you.”

“Shit.” Alec nervously looked at the gun in Ben’s hand, now lowered at his side. “I thought it was because you didn’t want us to catch you with a woman.”

Placing the gun on the counter, Ben walked over and picked up the bottle of water spilling on the floor next to his brother’s feet. “Sit down. Your shaking is making me nervous.”

“I’m making
you
nervous. That’s a joke if I ever heard one.” But Alec sat down just the same. “Thanks,” he said when Ben handed him another bottle of water and wiped up the mess on the floor.

“What are you doing here?” Ben asked when he was done mopping up.

“I had a meeting with a client tonight. I was closing the development deal, and we were celebrating. I ended up drinking more than I intended and didn’t want to risk driving home. It was easier to take a taxi here and let myself in than being brought back to Saratoga,” Alec explained.

“Why not go to Kaitlin’s?”

“You really need to ask that? No way was I taking the chance Ryan was there.” He shuddered. “I don’t want to even think of the two of them in bed together.”             

Ben chuckled, and was glad to know he wasn’t the only one in the family who couldn’t think of their baby sister having sex.

Alec remained quiet, his eyes staring hard at Ben, then asked, “Are you all right? Your shirt is soaking wet.”

Ben looked down at the T-shirt he had been sleeping in with his boxers. Alec was right. His shirt was soaked right through. “You had me shaking in my boots when I heard a noise down here. Thought I was going to have to take out an intruder.” He forced a laugh. “You caused me to break out in a cold sweat,” he said, amusement slowly creeping in, trying to push the thoughts of why his shirt really was wet out of his head.

Alec snorted. “Yeah right. I’m lucky I didn’t have more beer in me than I did, or I might have lost control and wet my pants when you flashed that gun at me. Then we would both be standing here in wet clothing.”

Ben snickered as he pulled the fitted shirt off his body and wadded it up in his hand. No use sitting around in it.

“Damn, you’ve packed on some muscle. Are you trying to make the rest of us look like crap?” Alec asked in amazement.

Smirking, Ben said, “Some of us have had more active careers than others. Anyway, this job doesn’t require me to be as… agile, you could say. I spend more time lifting weights than I did before. Maybe you should come work out with me sometime,” he said, a gleam in his eyes.

“Not a chance in hell,” Alec said, shaking his head.

Ben saw that Alec was finally relaxing and the pulse at his neck wasn’t beating quite so fast. Maybe now his family would understand
and
listen when he told them not to sneak up on him anywhere, and that meant entering his house unannounced.

He wasn’t exactly happy that Alec had just witnessed that part of his life. He tried his hardest to keep it away from his family. They didn’t need to know the details of his time in the service, and he didn’t want them to. He didn’t want them to look at him or think of him differently. Actually, he wanted some of that carefree kid back in his life right now.
Needed
it back in his life.

Ben stood up. “You know where the guest room is. The bed is made.” Shaking his head with a smirk, he grabbed the gun off the counter and walked to the doorway, then stood waiting for Alec to follow him out of the room. Slapping Alec on the back, he said, “If you had wet your pants you would have been sleeping on the front porch, regardless of how cold it is outside.”

After Alec was situated, Ben walked back into his room. He noticed the light flashing on his cell phone, picked it up quickly and grinned at the message.

Presley had wanted to thank Ben for the candy yesterday. Since it had been Sunday, she was pretty sure he wouldn’t be at work, but wasn’t positive. And she didn’t know how to get a hold of him. So she asked around—discreetly of course—and was informed that no, he had checked in and left a message he was at his parents’ for the day if anyone needed him.

So she had to find another way, and she didn’t want to wait too long. Nor did she want to approach too many people with questions regarding him and raise suspicions.

Toward the end of her shift it finally dawned on her. Ben’s number would be listed in the binder with emergency contacts. Every department had a binder. She just had to find the one in her department.

Normally, the supervisor on duty dealt with anything that arose requiring that information, but all staff knew where the binder was. Now she just had to remember.

Between patients and snooping around, she finally found it, only she never had an opportunity to pull it out and look without anyone catching her. In the end she had gone home empty handed, but she had a plan for Monday.

The next day, Monday afternoon, walking into her shift earlier than normal she rushed toward the binder, only to find it gone from its spot. Cursing her bad luck, she had hoped she could get it before she left for the night.

As luck would have it, on a pass back through the nurses’ station toward the end of her shift, she found it empty and took the opportunity to run over. She opened the binder, found the security section, ran her finger down until she saw his name and then jotted down his number quickly. She stuffed it in her pocket and returned the binder before anyone could see her.

Unlocking the door to her apartment later, she finally figured out exactly what she would say to him. She had been preparing it in her head all night, wanting to keep it light, and casual—friendly. Nothing sounded right, though. Light and casual just wasn’t her style. She was more the go-for-the-jugular type of girl.

After a while, she took a deep breath and typed,
Thanks for the candy. You aren’t the only one who can find information when they need it.
She hit the send button, put her phone on the nightstand, and went to get ready for bed. Maybe she would hear from him tomorrow.

When she walked out of the bathroom minutes later, she saw the light flashing on her phone. Curious, she picked it up and read.
Is that a challenge?
She hadn’t expected him to respond, hoped she hadn’t woken him up, and decided it was best left alone for now. Her weary mind couldn’t think of a response.

***

Tuesday morning Ben gave Alec a ride back to his car at the bar, then turned toward the hospital. He was always earlier than most into work. The sun hadn’t even risen yet. He had a packed day, but he also needed to carve out time to see Presley.

He hadn’t wanted to go see her on Monday. He made the move, sent the candy and note on Sunday. It was up to her to take the next step.

He was pretty pleased that she made the extra effort to contact him the way she had last night. She could have tracked him down yesterday, or left him a message to go see her, but in the end, he realized that wasn’t her style. She might be an in-your-face type of girl, but she wasn’t one to chase anyone either.

Not that he would want that. Being chased all the time got tiring. This was much better. This was much more unexpected and suited him.

Right now he had things to do. First on his list was gathering a few officers and doing a run of the parking garage and security cameras. With the weather getting colder and the daylight shorter, he wanted to make sure all the lights were working properly in the garage at night and all the cameras were up to snuff. No shadows and no lurkers for patients and staff at any time of the day. It was his job to make it safe.

It was late morning by the time he finished with the parking garage. His next stop was the Medical College. He needed to check on the security in the halls, the rooms, the labs and parking areas for the students.

He wasn’t just responsible for the hospital, but the entire campus surrounding it, from the classrooms to the office sites not housed in the actual hospital. The campus had been growing by leaps and bounds over the years and showed no signs of stopping.

By two o’clock he was starving and in desperate need of caffeine. He had never required a huge amount of sleep. There were times on a mission he was lucky to close his eyes for an hour. He’d learned to shut his body down and be alert at the same time. He had grown soft in the last year and a half. Five hours used to be a luxury to him, now five hours seemed like nothing at all.

He ran to the coffee shop, grabbed a large coffee with a shot of espresso and a pumpkin donut. He was a sucker for anything pumpkin flavored—and kept that to himself.

As he held his coffee and donut, memories flashed through his brain. Always at odd times, when he least expected it, the memories would rush in.

There was a time in his life when a coffee and donut were all it took for a man to give up his dream. Not Ben, no, nothing could have stopped him from becoming a SEAL. It was just unfortunate that something ended up stealing away that dream from him after all.

As he turned the corner back to the main entrance, he caught sight of a tall-legged brunette. His day just perked up. Rather than acknowledge her, he stood where he was and waited for her to make the first move. She didn’t disappoint.

“Late breakfast?” Presley asked him, eying the donut and coffee in his hand.

“Lunch,” he corrected her.

“I don’t picture you the donut kind of guy.” She looked down curiously, must have caught the orange frosting and guessed, “Pumpkin, eh?” She then broke off a piece and popped it in her mouth. “My favorite.”

“I’ll have to remember that.”

“And you found out straight from the source this time, too,” she added mischievously.

On impulse he said, “Anything else you want to share with me, straight from the source?”

“I don’t know. Is there something particular you want to know?” she asked, flirting right back with him.

He waited a second, pretended to think, and took a bite of his donut, then held a bit more out for her. She broke another piece off and he said, while gazing into her eyes, “There’s a lot I want to know, but I’m not sure the hallway at work is the place for those questions. Or the answers I hope to get.” He watched her shiver and saw a slight flush come over her gorgeous face, her understanding clear.

“Do you have a better place in mind?” she asked, her voice raspier than normal.

She walked right into that, just as he hoped. “My place, or yours, or somewhere neutral. I’ll let you choose.” He popped the last piece of donut into his mouth and chewed, then watched her as she held her tongue. “Let me know what you decide. You know how to reach me.” He turned and walked a step, then pivoted back. “And Presley…” She turned to look at him. “If I don’t hear from you by the end of the day, I’ll know you’re not interested.” He strode away.

He was sure she was interested, but when she hesitated and didn’t answer him, he didn’t want to pressure her. This was the best out for her. She didn’t even have to say no. All she had to do was ignore his question and not respond by midnight and he would know to not waste any more time on her. For once in his life, he really hoped playing cool and casual didn’t backfire on him.