All That Is Lost Between Us (16 page)

They went over it a couple more times. ‘We've checked the facts now, so don't give yourself a hard time, Cal,' Danielle had said as she left the room. He had watched her leave, grateful for her words, appreciating her slim silhouette and those tight-fitting jeans she wore.

That night he had gone home feeling hugely comforted by a woman he barely knew and got into bed next to his softly snoring wife. It had been the beginning of the bond between him and Danielle – he began to talk to her more, and he found that once he got stuff off his chest with her he no longer needed to talk to Anya.

During the course of last year, he realises now, staring grimly through the windscreen, he has completely shut his wife out. He remembers the way he had spoken to Anya last night, shaking her awake to confront her. He had been angry with her because it was easier than acknowledging the fury he felt towards himself. He spent all his spare time helping people in dire straits, but when his own family needed him, he hadn't been there.

‘Will Zac be home when we get there?' Maddie asks, interrupting his thoughts. At least ten minutes have passed since they set off, but his niece is still busy texting next to him as she speaks.

‘I should imagine so, once school's finished,' Callum says. He's not really listening. His penitent thoughts about Anya have led him back a few hours. He's trying and failing to push away the last flickering, taunting image of Danielle. He's trying not to hear the threat in those final words.
This isn't over yet, Callum
.

‘He hasn't been answering his phone today.' Maddie is cutting into his worries again. She sounds put out.

‘He went to school, Maddie,' he says, struggling to hide his impatience. ‘You're not allowed your phones there, are you?'

She doesn't seem to notice his tone. ‘No, but he usually texts.' She shrugs. ‘Not that it matters.'

Callum doesn't think he believes her, but then again he has lost track of the kids' relationships. Only a few years ago they had been such simple little souls, with their energetic rough-and-tumble, and their enthusiasm for one another. All their childhood hurts were deeply felt in the moment and yet were easily overcome. Now, any conversation he overhears seems so serious, so intense. God he misses those innocent, gone-forever kids.

When they pull up, they hear Arthur before they get out of the car. Maddie hurries up to the front door and unlocks it, and Callum trails her through the house. There is a bowl of half-finished soggy cereal sitting on a small table in front of the television, and a movie still whirring in the DVD player. No one has been home since they first rushed away after the news of the accident.

When Maddie opens the back door she is almost flattened by Arthur. The big chocolate labrador jumps up and paws her arms, leaning in to lick her enthusiastically while whimpering, his tail whipping furiously back and forth.

‘Get down, Arthur.' Maddie pushes him away, screwing up her face despite her smile.

Arthur races over to Callum and gives him the same enthusiastic greeting. ‘Okay, okay,' Callum laughs, fending him off repeatedly. ‘Enough slobber, you can come with us.' He turns to Maddie. ‘Do you want to get anything else?'

She heads towards the stairs. ‘I'll just throw some things into a bag.'

While he waits, Callum goes over to the cupboard, finds the dog food and puts a scoop down for Arthur, who sets about it as though he hasn't eaten in a week. By the time he's finished, Maddie is back downstairs. Callum grabs the packet of food. ‘I'll bring this. Can you get his lead?'

When they reach the door, Arthur is already waiting. He races off down the pathway and hares past the car towards his regular walking route, ignoring Callum and Maddie's shouts until he has had a good sniff around the flowerbeds of a few neighbouring gardens. When Callum corners him he trots nonchalantly back to the car and scrabbles into the back seat next to Maddie. ‘Sit. Down,' she says firmly as he tries to give her face a good clean with his long pink tongue. As Callum starts the engine, Arthur lies on the seat and rests his head on his paws, apparently unaware that his sizeable rump has wedged Maddie against the opposite door.

‘At least we're not going far,' Callum says with a smile, but Maddie is lost in thought, staring out the window while stroking Arthur's fur.

They have just turned off the main road and begun the steep climb towards Fellmere when Callum's phone announces he has a message. He knows he should pull over to read it, but he doesn't want to draw Maddie's attention. He eases the handset out of his pocket and tries to surreptitiously view the screen.

‘What's happened?' comes her voice from the back seat. ‘Is it Dad?'

‘No, it's just the office.' Thank god his bosses allow him such flexibility with his hours. Usually it's so he can attend rescues, but today they have been just as understanding about the family's situation. It's a relief, because there is no way he would be able to concentrate at work.

He wonders if Danielle has got his text. If she has read it, what is she thinking? What will he do if she doesn't respond? Is he ever going to get her out of his mind?

‘Do you have to go in to work?'

‘Not right now. They just can't locate some files. Let's get home first, and when you're settled in I'll give them a call.'

She doesn't reply, and when he turns around to check on her she has gone back to her phone. Arthur lies immobile next to her, his eyes closed.

Callum is freshly aware of the phone sitting mute on the passenger seat. He finds himself willing it to make a noise. He'd rather read a hate-filled diatribe than suffer the uncertainty of silence right now.

Neither of them speaks again until they reach the house. However, as Callum is parking on the driveway Maddie asks in a small voice, ‘Uncle Cal, will Sophia really be okay?'

He turns to find her studying his face.

‘Of course.'

‘Why do you look so worried?'

He tries out a reassuring smile. ‘It's okay, I was thinking about something else. Sophia will be fine, I'm sure of it.'

‘But she's been asleep for such a long time.'

‘That's normal with the amount of sedatives and painkillers they gave her.'

‘I'm worried I won't know what to say to her when she wakes up. I want to help her, but every time I look at her leg and that big bruise on her face, I just start crying.'

Callum remembers Georgia's elbow this morning and nods.

‘How do you do it on the rescues, Uncle Cal? How do you stay calm when you see all this horrible stuff?'

Callum thinks of Mike McCallister and feels anything but calm. ‘Well, it's always difficult to see anyone in pain. I guess I just talk to them the way I'd want someone to talk to me if I was in shock or injured – which is gently, with lots of encouragement. That's how I'd want people to talk to you if you got stuck up there.'

To his surprise, Maddie leans over and gives him an awkward hug. ‘Thank you, you've made me feel lots better,' she says before she climbs out of the car.

Callum allows himself a smile as he follows her. Of all the people he's talked to today, it feels like Maddie is the first person he has actually reached. Buoyed by her gesture, he checks his phone. Still no reply. But maybe there's a chink of hope left for him, after all.

I
get a call from the sports hall to tell me that Georgia has had some kind of episode while running, and would I get up there straightaway. I don't hesitate, breaking into a run as I fly through the corridors and up the hill. Sadly my fitness is gravely lacking in comparison to my daughter's and I have to slow down towards the top. By the time I reach Mrs Sawyer I can hardly speak.

‘Where is she?' I gasp.

‘Lily is helping her in the shower.'

‘I'll take her home. I
knew
it was a bad idea for her to come in today.'

I am so agitated I can't stand still. My head is throbbing; my face burns. It's fortunate for Callum that he isn't here right now. If he were, I would give him what for. Perhaps if he had backed me up we could have avoided this.

Mrs Sawyer has children of a similar age. ‘Sometimes there's not much you can do to stop them,' she says kindly. I attempt a grateful smile, but only manage a grimace.

I take a few deep breaths to calm myself, and head into the girls' change rooms. Lily is waiting outside a shower cubicle. As soon as she sees me she hands Georgia's towel over and grabs her clothes, making a discreet exit into another area.

I can hear the shower running. ‘Georgia,' I say, with all the gentleness I can muster. ‘I've come to take you home.'

Georgia's hand appears around the curtain. ‘Can you hand me the towel?'

I press the thick cloth into her hands and wait. The shower stops, and nothing happens for a minute or so, then Georgia opens the curtain with the towel wrapped around her. Her face is blotchy and red, though she won't lift it to look at me.

‘Oh, Georgie.' I pull her against me, oblivious as to whether she is still wet. She begins to sob against my shirt, and at such a despairing sound it is all I can do not to break down with her. ‘Let's get you out of here,' I say, and lead her over to her clothes. ‘These are yours, yes? Come on, once we're in the car you can tell me exactly what you want to do. It can be anything you like. I could take you home, or to the hospital to see Sophia? I can wrap you up on the sofa or leave you alone in your room. I'm here, Georgie, so let me help you, okay?'

And to my relief, my daughter nods.

I sit on one of the long benches in the change rooms and wait while she finishes getting dressed. So she doesn't think I'm crowding her, I take out my phone and text Callum to see if he's home yet, and to find out what news there is on Sophia.

‘I need to get my bag,' I tell Georgia when she is ready, and we set off towards the school. A thought occurs to me and I stop in my tracks. ‘Oh, shit-shit-shit.'

‘What?' Georgia looks alarmed.

I sigh. ‘Never mind, it's just I didn't bring the car this morning, so we'll have to walk. Unless I call a taxi?'

‘No, it's okay, I don't mind walking.'

We reach my office and I collect my bag. I begin to lock up, and then realise that Danny will need the room when the police arrive. I undo the lock again, praying Georgia won't notice. I don't want to explain this to her now. I needn't have worried – when I turn around she's staring down the corridor, her mind elsewhere.

The school is disconcertingly quiet as we leave, the students all in classes. We trudge back up the hill towards the woodland path, which is the quickest route home. The rain has stopped for the time being. Georgia stoops a little from the weight of her backpack, walking with her arms wrapped around herself, staying close to my side. I try to take her bag – ‘Here, let me' – but she shakes her head.

We are silent for a little while once we've entered the woods. The ground is soggy thanks to the morning downpours, but the rain has freshened the earthy scents and the sheen of water makes everything brighter. The birds have also come out to call to one another after the deluge, and don't stop chattering as we trudge by.

I have to try to reach Georgia somehow, and there might not be a better time than this. ‘Do you still go this way on your morning runs?' I ask casually.

‘Not so much – I often go on the road now.'

‘Oh, why's that?'

She shrugs. ‘I just fancied a change.'

‘You haven't been running with the club much recently?'

‘No.'

‘But you feel okay about the race tomorrow?'

She looks wary. ‘Are you going to try to talk me out of it?'

‘No.' I answer too hastily, keen to keep her on side. Of course I'm going to try to talk her out of it. Later.

I know I will have a far better chance of success if I can get Callum to back me up, but I want to make sure he knows how stupid it was to let Georgia go to school today. Can I still yell at him if I need to persuade him to help me too?

‘How long has it been since we walked this way together?' I ask. ‘We used to come here all the time, do you remember?'

‘Yes, I remember those disgusting cheese-and-onion sandwiches you used to bring with you, and Dad scaring Zac witless with all those ghost stories.'

I frown at her, recalling neither. ‘I remember that you could never stay with us – always disappearing around the next bend, finding the perfect sticks for Snoopy,' I tell her.

For a moment I am joined by the apparitions of my younger children. Georgia's forehead barely reaches my waist as she runs ahead of me, wearing her old pink anorak and those zebra wellingtons she had loved so much, chasing after our long-dead beagle. Next to me, Zac rides on Callum's shoulders, his small hand straining to touch those leaves on the trees that are just out of his grasp. It is so
real
that when I hear Georgia speak I don't want to break the trance. But it's not up to me. They are already gone.

‘Mum?'

‘Sorry, what?'

‘How did you know that you were in love with Dad?'

I have to mentally repeat her words to check she has just asked what I think she has. It is the last thing I expected. I am afraid she has spotted how terrible things are between Callum and me, and then I catch her expression and realise this isn't really a query about me at all. My mind runs away with itself wondering whom she is talking about, and I have to curb my curiosity in order to stay on task and consider the question.

‘It's quite a hard thing to pin down. I think . . . we just felt right – we understood each other. I couldn't wait to see him, and whenever we were apart it felt like some piece of myself was missing. I never had to think something through before I said it, because he already understood me . . .' I play back my little speech and realise that nothing I've said remains applicable today; another little twist of the knife.