All That Lies Broken (Ashmore's Folly Book 2) (13 page)

That startled her. For a moment, she didn’t want to answer. But he’d shared his past with her – now he was asking her to do the same. “I got pregnant on my thirtieth birthday, and my doctor advised me against touring.” She stopped. “You saw that photo, didn’t you?”

“It was all over the Internet. I wondered.”

“Oh, I know.” Laura sighed. “I saw the stories.
Cat Expecting a Kitten?
and
Mama Cat
and all that. What’s ironic, the pap missed the bigger story. We were at Lincoln Center with Meg. If the guy had waited a few more minutes, he’d have seen Cam come back to our box. He could have blown my cover once and for all.”

He paused to choose his words. “So what happened?”

She made her voice neutral. “I had a miscarriage Christmas evening, and the doctor told Cam not to get me pregnant again.”

“Oh, Lord.” Richard glanced away from her in unspoken recognition of the meaning of her words. “What a way to end the year – no wonder things fell apart. Laura, I am so sorry.”

He deserved as much of the truth as she could give him. “It wasn’t the first one. I had three miscarriages before Meg’s third birthday.”

He stared at her, and under his tan his skin went curiously pale. Then he moved away from her, and her heart sank. Maybe that was just too much to tell him – TMI, Meg would say, too much information. Men hated hearing about the mechanics of pregnancy, and they hated even more hearing about its failures; Cam had threatened to leave the country when Emma had regaled the family with the intimate details of her
in vitro
attempts. But, she thought, if Francie had made him into the man he had become, then those poor lost babies had shaped and molded her. Cat Courtney would never have existed if they’d been born.

He went to the cabinets, searched for a glass, and poured himself some tap water. She couldn’t guess what he was thinking. She watched anxiously as he drank it swiftly and set the glass down with a decisive
clink
on the counter.

“I can’t imagine what you went through.” He sounded strange. “I have to believe it was very difficult for you and your husband both – I’ve seen Lucy’s grief, and Tom has been at his wit’s end to help her out of it. God, Laura, you’ve had a hard time of it. I am so sorry.”

Those simple words brought tears prickling her eyes.

He added, “Dad told me once that my mother lost a couple after me – I don’t remember, I was too young – and he finally told her that was the end of it, he didn’t care what the Church said, they weren’t going to try again. Then Lucy’s mother left her, so Mom had her daughter and she was happy.”

“I know,” Laura said. “She told me.”

He turned around and leaned against the counter, crossing his arms. His eyes met hers resolutely, the eyes of a man coming to some hard conclusions. “Well, now that I know, you can be damn sure we will not take any more chances. I don’t care if you can time yourself down to the second. I am not going to run the risk of causing you miscarriage number five.”

“Oh, no.” She reached out to him on instinct. “That’s what you think? No and no and no. There’s nothing wrong with me.”

“Well, obviously you can conceive, but—”

“No. You don’t understand.” She ran to stand in front of him and put her hands on his crossed arms. “You think I’ve got Lucy’s problems, or your mother’s? No. It wasn’t me, Richard.”

His eyes flashed.

She drew a breath. In the maelstrom of guilt after Ash Marine, she’d promised Cam never to tell a living soul, but he was dead and this was her life and her future. “It was Cam.”

Silence.

She said gently, “It’s not always the woman with the fertility problem, you know.”

He stared at her, but he said nothing.

“After the second time—” Laura kept her hands on his arms, drawing courage from the feel of him. “Cam got worried and went for tests. I didn’t know, but it had also happened to his girlfriend in college. The problem was, he didn’t tell me he suspected anything, and I got pregnant again, and – well, to be honest, we weren’t getting along that well, because the miscarriages
did
take a toll on us, a terrible toll, and I decided not to tell him until I got past the first trimester.” TMI again. She hesitated; she was steering perilously close to Ash Marine. “I knew he was distracted, but I thought it was just because he was seeing someone – so there we were, not talking to each other, and then I – I lost the baby, and that’s when he told me the results of his tests.”

She looked down for a moment. He prompted, “And?”

She shouldn’t feel embarrassed, but this was as bad as admitting she’d faked it in bed. “Trisomy 16. Eighty percent chromosomal damage in the sperm,” she said. “Not enough to prevent conception, but – the fetus doesn’t develop right, and nature – takes care of it.”

“Oh, Christ,” Richard said roughly, and he sounded angry. “Why didn’t he get a vasectomy? I would have.”

She glanced up at him from under her lashes. “You didn’t know Cam St. Bride, did you?”

“I know enough. Talk about irresponsible—” He broke off. “So what about Meg?”

Her heart beat faster. “Eighty percent damaged means twenty percent not.”

He didn’t answer for a minute, and then he said unexpectedly, “You said she wasn’t an only child by your choice. So how did you get from this discovery to two years ago?”

“We went on living. We knew there wouldn’t be any more children, so I went to college. And,” she felt relieved, because the worst was over, he knew, “after I graduated, there was the demo tape, and the single, and the album, and all of a sudden I had a real career. We were extremely careful, and everything was fine, except – about five years ago, I met some people who had adopted abroad, and I thought, wouldn’t that be great, a chance to give a couple of kids a good life, and I broached the idea, and he turned me down flat.” She thought she heard a muttered expletive. “He said it was too painful, like rubbing salt in the wound, reminding him it was his failure – so I let the idea drop. I had my work, and he had his work, and we both had Meg, and for a long time we rubbed along okay. Then – I turned thirty.”

He moved his hand to cover hers.

She sighed. “We had separated. I was looking for one of Meg’s CDs in his car and I found a torn condom wrapper—”

That forced a disbelieving laugh from him. “You’re kidding.”

“No, I’m not. Well, he hadn’t used it with me – birth control was my arena, that’s why I have the diaphragm, and I don’t know, I was just sick and tired of him cheating on me. He was usually discreet, but I
was
turning thirty, and I didn’t feel like putting up with it anymore. So I moved out of our bedroom and down the hall. Meg was going through a bad time because her cat had died, so that’s as far as I wanted to take it right then.” His fingers tightened over hers, and for the first time since she’d opened the door to the process server, she felt secure with him. “Oh, he was contrite, he swore up and down that it was a one-time thing and he’d never see her again, but I just didn’t trust him. So we stayed apart the rest of the summer. Then – then it was my birthday.”

“I have an idea what’s coming,” he said. “This was the birthday with the Jaguar, wasn’t it?”

She gave him a wry smile. “In the driveway with a big red bow. I’d given myself a day at the spa, and when I got home, he and Meg were in front of the house, beaming. Cam was nothing if not strategic. He knew he couldn’t lure me back with a fancy car, but he also knew I wasn’t going to hand the keys back in front of her.”

“A Jaguar,” said Richard thoughtfully. “You have to hand it to him. That was a big play – he was trying to stay in the game.”

Laura said in mock rebuke, “This is my heart we’re talking here. Spare me the male sports metaphors.”

“Sorry. Still – since you couldn’t be bought with a car, how did he manage it?”

Oh, here came the embarrassing part. “He got me drunk.”

That earned her a quizzical look.

“Remember I told you that Cam didn’t drink or dance because he was Baptist?”

“Vaguely. Glad I’m Episcopalian. No rules.”

“Well, he was pretty good about the rules, but he broke them that night. He had bought a great Chardonnay, and he had dinner catered in from our favorite Italian place. He really set the scene.” Looking back, she had to admit that Cam had done a masterful job on her. “After dinner, he shipped Meg off to a friend’s, and he put Rod Stewart on, because he
knew
what a sucker I always am for ‘Tonight’s the Night,’ and we danced, and he kept refilling my glass.”

“Chardonnay. Rod Stewart. Got it.” She heard his horrified amusement.

“This isn’t funny, Richard. This was my life.”

“I know, but….” He stopped. She could tell he was picking his words carefully. “It’s funny, and it’s appalling, all at the same time. This guy was a master operator. I’m betting, since you are so predictable, he knew exactly what day it was, and he made sure you were too buzzed to think about birth control.”

She looked up into his face. “Bingo.”

“Well,” said Richard flatly, “that was criminal on his part. Listen, Laura, separated couples sleep together all the time – a friend of mine used to call his ex-wife every anniversary. Even Diana and I came close once. But what your husband did crossed the line.”

She’d thought so too when she had awakened the next morning in their bedroom. When her fears played out a few weeks later, she had taxed Cam with it, and he hadn’t denied it. “You have to understand. Cam really loved me. He wanted me back.”

“That doesn’t matter.” His mouth had a hard set to it. “He knew what he was risking. No honest man would get his wife pregnant knowing she had an eighty percent chance of a miscarriage.”

She offered, “In Cam’s defense – he’d consulted a new doctor, and he genuinely did think it might be all right that time. But, after Christmas… that was the end. We were over.”

He unfolded his arms and pulled her gently against him. “My poor girl, you have been through the mill, haven’t you? I know it’s not the done thing to speak ill of the dead, but I’m going to say this just once. I’m not a violent man, but if he were here right now, I’d beat him to a pulp.”

She had an image of Richard and Cam facing each other with death in their hearts – pistols at dawn, perhaps. Two rational strategists, each studying the other’s weaknesses, playing a mental chess game to determine which move might yield a definitive victory. Two elegant, civilized men, retaining in their genes the uncivilized vestiges of their Celtic and Viking heritages. She couldn’t say for sure who would have stood over the other at the end.

Full-blown, water rushing through a faucet, lyrics assembled in her mind, whole phrases dropping into stanzas. Now how to score them? D minor?

“And now you come back to your family, where at least you ought to be safe and no one will use you like that, and Diana and I screw up your homecoming.” She made herself pay attention. Something bad was coming. “We –
this
– may not be the best choice for you, Laura. I really want you to think this through. You deserve someone who can give you what you want, and it’s obvious to me now what that is.”

Laura’s heart leapt into her throat. She didn’t dare show any hesitation, or he’d send her packing for her own good. She matched his forceful tone. “I thought I made myself clear yesterday.” She lifted her chin. “Stop trying to get rid of me.”

She retained the Celtic, too, from her parents. Irish women had ridden to war back in the mists of time. She might have to go to battle, fight Diana and the world for him. Fight
him
for him.

“This is going to take a long time,” he warned her. “Probably longer than either of us will like.”

“I can wait.” She was not going to compromise. “I’ve waited all my life for you, Richard.”

The pledge again, and she knew he wouldn’t return it. But, in unspoken acknowledgment, he held her hard against him. Damn her calendar – he might be exhausted, but part of him wasn’t getting the message. “We will not discuss the future until this is all over, do you understand, Laura? No plans, no what-ifs, nothing like that. Can you live with that?”

“I have to,” she said simply. “You’re worth it to me.”

He looked down at her and then away, frowning. “God, Laura, what I’ve done to deserve you, I don’t know. I wish I could take you upstairs and give you your heart’s desire – and don’t deny it, it’s as plain as day. But I can’t.” He caught her gaze and held it. “There will be no slip-ups,” he said bluntly. “No just-this-once. I do not want any accidents, do you understand?”

Did he know – oh, but he was thinking of Julie. The horror of those unfiled pleadings flashed through her mind. She nodded. “I understand.”

He lifted her hand, palm up, to his lips. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I should have gotten this over and done with years ago.”

She nodded again, and for a few minutes they stood there, each enjoying the other’s warmth. She slid her hands up his arms as they tightened around her, and nothing in life had ever felt so right, so wonderful, as hearing him breathe into her hair and feeling his heartbeat against her and knowing that, after so many years of anguish and loneliness, they’d come to the same point in their lives. She knew in her heart of hearts that never would Richard use her and manipulate her as Cam had. With this man, she would never have to protect her heart.