All That Matters (17 page)

Train could see the questions in her eyes; she watched him for a moment but didn't ask them. Instead she stretched up, brushed her lips against his. “You want a beer?”

“Absolutely,” he replied. “I'll grab it. Do you want one?”

“I shouldn't, in case the social worker shows up on a random visit.” She shook her head.

“It's a beer,” Train pointed out. “You're over twenty-one. It's perfectly legal. You're having a beer. Go on and sit, I'll get it, and I'll get the food. Go on, sit.” She looked amused as she did sit down. He found the plate that she'd mentioned in the microwave and set it to warm.

“How was your day?”

“It was alright. We went and looked at a new place for the club, used to be one of those all-you-can-eat places. We can close off some of the areas, make rooms for the guys, but I don't know what we're going to do with the kitchen. It's huge.” Train opened the beers and set one in front of her. He also put the first plate of food out of the microwave in front of her.

“What does a new place mean? You lived at the bar, right? Are you going to go back and live at the new place?”

“I thought that I would, it was the plan,” Train admitted. “But now, I like having the house and the privacy that comes with it. There will be bedrooms there, for guys to crash. Prospects lived at the bar, too. That will probably stay the same.” It would also give them a place to make their own, to replace the basement they'd lost, a place for Nightshade to consider as holy as a church. His living room worked alright, but it wasn't the same.

“That's good. It's crazy that the bar exploded. We saw it from here that night. Never seen anything like it before.” Meg took a sip of beer and began to eat. Something that had been clenched inside of Train relaxed when she took another sip of beer. He could almost see her relaxing.

“Ace said something about us coming over to dinner one night.” Train put his plate on the table and sat down. “Should be fun, I'm not sure that Jillian can cook. She certainly can't cook like Caroline or you.” It was a serious toss-up as to who was the better cook, in his mind.

“That's sweet, I know how highly you value Caroline's cooking skills. You know, if I didn't know better, I'd think that you had a thing for her.”

“What makes you think that?” Train took a bite of the burrito. He'd  praised Meg's cooking just moments earlier; he'd have rethought it if he'd tasted this first. He didn't know what it was, but he knew that she hadn't made it. “Where'd you get this from?”

“I made it.” She frowned at him. “Why?”

“It's not good,” Train spoke as diplomatically as he could. He expected it to piss her off. Women didn't like when you criticized their food.

“It's frozen burritos, I just added the salsa and cheese. Stop eating if you don't like it. I'll make you something else.” She put down her fork and got up. “I need to get to the grocery store, but there's some eggs. I saw bacon, too.”

“Sit back down, I can eat this. It's fine.”

“You just said that it's not good,” she huffed. “I don't expect you to eat it if you don't like it. Bacon and eggs or something else?” She walked over to the fridge. “There's also some quick steaks in here. Do you want those instead of the bacon?”

“I said that I'll eat this, it just didn't taste like something that you'd normally make. I've sure as hell eaten worse. I can run you to the grocery store in the morning before I go to work, or I can have one of the prospects come and take you.”

“You don't have to do that. I'll manage, just like I always do.”

“You avoiding going to the grocery store for some reason, Meg? Maybe we should grab Leo and go right now, stop and get something for a late night snack.” Train strongly suspected that she was avoiding going to the grocery store because she was running low, or completely out of money.

“Leo's got to be in bed soon.”

“You are avoiding it,” Train informed her. “Tell me why. It's not a hard question.”

“Go to hell,” she replied.

“One day I will. Not today, hopefully.” He'd hoped to lighten the mood, but it didn't lighten. Meg's body language screamed defensive, and she didn't even crack a smile. “It's money, isn't it?” Train decided that there was no purpose in beating around the bush.

“What? No. Why would you say that?” She looked away but not fast enough. He saw that he was right in the shame that flashed through her eyes and the way her cheeks grew red and hot.

“It's not hard to figure out,” Train said gently. “You've only been working a few hours a week with Caroline, so you have to be burning through your savings. Why didn't you say something?”

“It's not a problem. I'm not broke. I just have to be careful.” She looked anywhere but at him. He understood pride, but it still pissed him off. She needed help, he was right there and she hadn't let him know.

“You know that I'd help you, right?” Train felt as if the silence that followed his question lasted forever. “For fuck's sake, Meg! How can you not know that?”

“You already do so much,” she sighed. “And I know all of this freaks you out. I see it sometimes. You wanted just fun and you got all this bullshit.”

“Yeah well, it's a good thing I like you and your bullshit.” Train struggled to speak calmly. “I'm here because here is where I want to be. If my mind wanders, it's not because I'm freaking out. I'm thinking, probably about Nightshade things. I'm not going to share that with you. You need to be good with that.” If she hadn't realized that he was all in, she needed to now.

The fear that she wouldn't be able to accept the club made his stomach clench and roll, but when she sat down across from him the feeling eased. “I'd say what I don't know can't hurt me, but I'm figuring that's not the case.” She stared at her hands. “I don't need details, I just need to know that we're going to be safe.”

“You've got my word on that. I'm going to take care of you and those boys. You can count on it.” Train reached across the table, took her hand and squeezed. “Let's get Leo and head over to Gino's. I'm starving.”

Chapter Ten

Meg watched as the caseworker drove away from the house. She'd been waiting the entire visit for the woman, a sour-puss named Nancy, to tell her what the court had decided. Nancy had kept her in suspense for nearly an hour, doing an inspection and asking a million questions before finally saying that the court had ruled in her favor.

Meg officially had temporary custody of both boys. They'd look for Josh to inform him, but there was already a long list of people who were looking for her brother. The home visits, scheduled and surprise, would continue. She'd also need to keep taking various parenting classes. Meg was willing to do whatever it took. The only reason the victory wasn't totally sweet was Joshua. It had been almost three weeks since he'd been committed to the hospital, and he wasn't making the progress the doctors had hoped. In fact, he'd become more violent. It had caused them to suspend any visits for him. It hurt to not see him, but she had to hope that this was going to make him better in the long run.

Her phone buzzed. She reached for it and saw simply a question mark from Train. He wanted to know how the home visit had gone. Meg felt herself smile as she dialed back his number. “What did they say?” He answered on the first ring, obviously as eager as she had been for the news.

“You could say hello first,” she teased. “And the court ruled for me to have official temporary custody of the boys.”

“That's great news, Meg. Great news. Is Leo back from school yet?”

“In about fifteen minutes,” Meg replied as she checked the clock.

“I'll be home in like a half an hour. Don't cook anything. We were all talking about getting together for dinner at Gino's, in the back room. How's that sound?”

“As long as I don't have to cook, it sounds good to me.” Meg couldn't remember the last time that she'd felt so complete. She had her boys back, and she had Train. The way he'd just said he was coming home had her insides quivering. “I guess I'll see you when you get home, then.”

“Won't be long.” He ended the call. She knew he would keep his word. He always kept his word. Maybe it wasn't healthy, the way that she'd fallen for Train. But she had fallen, and the feeling was something she'd never thought that she'd have. Meg didn't want the feeling to ever stop.

Sometimes she worried that it wouldn't work, that Train would remember the life he'd had before once the new and improved home base for Nightshade was up and running. What if he might realize that life with her and Leo was pretty boring? Where would that leave her? Two doors down from him, pining away for him while watching him come and go. Endless questions from Leo about why he'd left. Leo loved Train more than she did. He was the father figure that the boy had never been able to find in his own father.

Maybe it wasn't crazy that she'd fallen for him so quickly, maybe it was crazy that she could think he'd feel the same way about her. Thoughts that Meg didn't want to have flooded her mind. Once that door was open, every other banished thought surged for the surface. The happiness, and hope, from earlier were gone, replaced with the things that she hid in the dark.

“Meg! I'm home. I got my paper back. I got a B.” Leo slammed the door behind him.

Meg shook herself out of the darkness, forced a smile on her face. After all, she did have really good news to share with him. “That's great, kiddo,” she replied. “I think that calls for some hot cocoa, and I've got some new for you too.”

“Sweet. I'm going to put my stuff upstairs.” He took off up the stairs, sounding more like an elephant than a small boy,

The normalcy of it made Meg breathe a little easier, realize that she was probably just letting her crazy head make her crazy. Things were good with Train; there was no reason to think it was going to go any other way. Except Meg knew that wasn't exactly true. There was one thing, a dark thing, that would change everything.

<#<#<#<#

Meg had been in Gino's plenty of times before; it was a neighborhood place with mismatched tables and the best Italian food in miles. She'd eaten at the counter and dining room but she'd never been in the back room before.

The room was usually reserved for events. Apparently, Nightshade was an event. There were pitchers of beer everywhere. Pizzas were set out buffet-style, and there were dish warmers on the other side. Laughter and conversation filled the air. It was easy and relaxed. Leo had taken off the instant that they got inside. Meg caught sight of him sitting with Bones and Cane, one of the prospects. “He's fine. Relax.” Train's voice from behind her made her jump.

“I'm relaxed,” Meg replied. She heard the lie in her voice, knew that he would hear it, too. He was a perceptive son of a bitch. “I'm okay, it's just been a long day.”

“That's bullshit. Ever since I came home you've been looking at me like you expect me to bite you. What's going on? That state bitch say something about me again? Fuck her. The judge ruled for you.” He remained behind her, placed his hands on her hips.

Meg shook her head. “She didn't say anything about it. It's just...” she didn't know what to say or how to say it. “I just... It's nothing. I'm just weird today.” As hard as she'd tried, the dark thoughts she'd had earlier had taken root deep in her mind.

“You're weird every day,” he pointed out, his mouth only inches from her ear. “You know what you need?”

“We're in a room full of people,” Meg replied. Train's answer to almost any problem, including being out of milk, was sex.

“Not that, but now that you mention it, there's a really nice storage closet down the hall, if you change your mind. I was more thinking that you need to have a drink, a few drinks, in fact. And don't tell me you can't get drunk, the case is closed. You're getting drunk, and then we'll talk about how nice that storage closet is again.”

“I love you.” Meg blurted out the words. Train went perfectly still, let go of her waist. With cold dread already pooling in her stomach, she turned to face him. The expression on his face was unreadable. Meg immediately regretted the words, wanted to snatch them back, but she couldn't. She'd said the worst possible thing she could have.