All The Little Moments (46 page)

“What?” Anna was
genuinely puzzled.

“You miss them. And you’re allowed to—grief is funny like that. It’s more like a wave than something you, I don’t know, progress through in steps. It recedes, then hits you again, sometimes weaker and
sometimes stronger.”

Nodding slowly, Anna gave an awkward shrug. “I thought it was
getting better.”

The smile Kym offered was soft and deep with understanding. “It was. And it will again. It takes a
long time.”

“What do you do when it’s
like this?”

Kym sat back in her chair and grinned. “Either sob in the shower or come hang out with
you guys.”

After having a psychiatrist tell her it was normal, Anna felt marginally better, though she still missed
them constantly.

She knew Lane had noticed, but found herself waving the concern away and saying she was fine. The third time she did it, Lane looked at her and said, “No you’re not.
No running.”

Staring at her, Anna finally gave in and shook her head. “I’m not. But I’m not ready to talk
about it.”

Lane pulled her into a hug. “And that’s fine. Just
no disappearing.”

Surrounded by the softness of Lane, Anna buried her face in her neck. “I’m not
going anywhere.”

There were the days she’d stand in the kitchen, when Toby would be pulling on her leg and Ella would be calling something out from the living room, when she wouldn’t have gotten to have more than five minutes with Lane in days, and Anna would close her eyes and take a deep breath and count backwards
from ten.

But these days, when it felt like she didn’t know what she was doing, she genuinely didn’t question
 
why
 
she was doing it or if she
 
wanted
 
to be doing it. Not anymore. Anger at her brother for putting her in this position didn’t bubble up, and Anna didn’t wish him back purely so she could scream at him. But now that the anger was gone, she was left aching with the sadness that Jake
wasn’t there.

When she finished counting back from ten, she would open her eyes and lean down to pick Toby up. He would pat her face with his open palm and say, “Na,” with layers of affection in
his voice.

Ella would wander through from the living room and say, “I just wanted to tell you that the teacher asked who we wanted to talk to every day, and everyone said a friend from school, but I said Mummy and Daddy, because I remembered you told me it was okay to talk
about them.”

And Anna would be able to keep doing it; because those two kids made all the rest completely
worth it.

On the bad days, a glance at her phone would show a text from Lane that would make her smile. Then she’d order pizza and they’d pull out a blanket and have a picnic on the kitchen floor, the kids chewing messily and getting pizza all over their
colouring-in things.

Anna would leave the laundry to the
next day.

And that
was okay.

“Ella asked me at dinner if you’re
my girlfriend.”

Disengaging her lips from Lane’s neck, Anna looked
up. “When?”

She was sprawled over Lane, trying to find the energy to get up and get clothing on before the aforementioned Ella could burst through
the door.

One arm under her head and the other tracing lazy patterns over Anna’s back, Lane shrugged. “When you were doing
the dishes.”

“What did
you say?”

“Um…I didn’t want to lie. But I didn’t know if it was my place to say anything. I don’t know how much detail you wanted to go into, or how much detail Ja… I
didn’t know.”

Anna smiled softly. “You can say his
name, Lane.”

Hand gliding up Anna’s back and over her shoulder to push the hair behind her ears, Lane took her time to answer. “I didn’t want to upset you. You’ve seemed extra…sad about it this last week or so. Which is totally fine. I just didn’t want to make you talk
about it.”

Normally, Anna would change the subject and not talk about it—and that’s exactly what she wanted to do again. But Lane was looking at her with utter concern, and she was wrapped in warm skin, lying between Lane’s legs, and Anna didn’t want Lane to think she couldn’t bring up
this topic.

At times, it seemed Lane was still walking on eggshells since they had gotten back together. It had only been a few days, but it had impacted them. Anna didn’t want Lane to have to
be careful.

“I
have been.”

Lane looked at her, waiting for her to
go on.

“I…I’m not
angry anymore.”

Brow furrowed, Lane looked
at her.

Leaning her cheek in her hand, Anna moved so she could still look at Lane, whose hand was softly stroking the skin between her shoulder blades. “I was so angry, at Jake for putting me in this position. God, even for…for dying; I just wanted to yell at him.” Anna didn’t know if it made much sense, but she kept talking. “And now, it’s kind of hard to explain. I’m not angry at him anymore. I wouldn’t want the kids to be with anyone else and I have you and I actually
 
really
 
like my life. And then I feel guilty, because I like my life and it’s a life where my brother and Sally are dead, and that is
 
not
 
okay.” It came out in a rush, some of it things Anna hadn’t even really realised she had
been thinking.

Dark eyes soft, Lane just watched her,
expression empathetic.

Eyes burning, Anna looked Lane in the eye, feeling tortured. “Those kids don’t have their parents and I don’t have my brother or my best friend and we are all starting to move on, and that’s not
 
fair
, Lane.” Her voice broke over the words. “It’s
not fair.”

A sob escaped her, and Lane pulled her up and into her arms. Anna buried her face in Lane’s neck, and her fingers dug into her back as she clung on. She had no idea why she was feeling like this,
why now.

But she missed
her brother.

Lane’s hand ran down her hair and over her back as she threw her leg over Anna’s hip,
pulling closer.

Another sob heaved out of her chest, and Anna’s eyes stung with salt. “And Lane, God, I love you.” Her hand gripped the back of Lane’s neck. “Do you have any idea just how much better you make
everything else?”

With a shake of her head Lane pulled Anna up, kissing her, cheeks wet. Fingers wrapped in Anna’s hair, Lane drew her closer for
another kiss.

When they finally parted, Anna gripped her arm. “I know I don’t always talk. It’s okay to push
me, sometimes.”

Avoiding her eyes, Lane nodded slowly. “I just, didn’t want to push
you away.”

Foreheads together, their breath mingled between them. “You couldn’t
do that.”

Lane took in a deep breath; Anna did the same, hers
shuddering slightly.

“I just
miss them.”

Making soothing sounds, Lane wrapped her back in her arms. “I know
you do.”

They lay quietly for a minute before Anna kissed the skin under Lane’s lips. “And you can tell Ella we’re girlfriends. You’re a part of the kids’ lives, too. I trust you to tell her whatever
you want.”

Touch soft, Lane tilted Anna’s face up and
kissed her.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

“Why don’t you sleep in
the
big room?”

Anna looked up at Ella as she tried to sneak the last few bites of Toby’s meal into his mouth. Every time she thought she was about to succeed, he clamped his lips shut and turned his head away, then laughed
almost maniacally.

“Uh…in your mommy and
daddy’s room?”

Ella took a big sip of juice. “Yeah. The room you’re in is for when people have sleepovers. But you’re not a guest. You
live here.”

Anna managed to get a mouthful of food into Toby, which he promptly spat back out. The glare she attempted was ruined by the charming grin he gave her as half-chewed peas stuck to his chin. Anna started wiping him up. Sometimes it was easier to just
give up.

“Would it be weird for you, Ella Bella, if I slept in
that room?”

Ella just shrugged and went back to
her fish.

Later that night, when Toby was fast asleep and Ella had weaselled three stories out of Anna, Ella grabbed her hand as she stood to go. That wasn’t unusual these days, but her words left
Anna speechless.

“Mummy always liked people being comfy when they stayed over.” Her big green eyes looked up at Anna sincerely. “And I think you’d be more comfy in their room. And then Kym can be comfy in your bed when
she stays.”

Anna crawled onto the bed next to Ella and pulled her into a cuddle. Quiet and contemplative, Ella played with the pendant around
Anna’s neck.

For a moment, Anna considered where she wanted to take this conversation. “How about I move some things from there tomorrow? And then you can pick things that you want to keep safe, of Mummy’s and Daddy’s. And then we’ll find a special place for you to
keep them?”

“Can I tell you
a secret?”

“Always.”

With a sniffle, Ella pulled away then, and leant over her bed, pulling out Jake’s hoodie, the one Sally had kept under her pillow for when he was away. Guiltily, she held it out. “I took this after that time me and Toby threw up everywhere. Sometimes I wear it when I can’t
fall asleep.”

Brushing the hair off Ella’s face, Anna let her fingers trace her soft cheeks. “Ella Bella, why do you
look worried?”

Eyes on her lap, Ella picked at the hem of her jumper. “‘Cause I took it and it’s
not mine.”

Gently, Anna took the hoodie, pulling it over Ella’s head swiftly as she slipped her skinny arms through the sleeves; it was miles too big
for her.

“It can be yours if you want it
to be.”

With the hood over her head, Ella lay back down, tugging at Anna’s hand so she’d lay with her. Anna tried not to think about how it still smelt a little like
her brother.

“Can I keep Mummy’s teddy from when she was
a kid?”

Pulling Ella in tighter, Anna nodded against the soft material of her brother’s once-prized jumper. “You can keep whatever
you want.”

“What
about Toby?”

“We’ll choose some things for
him, too.”

Taking a deep breath, Anna pushed open her brother’s
bedroom door.

The room was clean, now. No slight layer of dust. Even though she didn’t like stepping into this room, Anna included it when she ran the vacuum over the rest of the house. Since the night with Ella and Toby when they’d been sick and miserable, the room wasn’t always shut off. Anna used the bathroom sometimes; she left the door open. But no one regularly went
in there.

Lane was at work and Anna had a day off in the middle of the week; Ella was at school and Toby was asleep. So now, Anna stared into the room and prepared herself to start to pack
it up.

When he woke, she’d bring him in to “help,” thinking if anything grabbed his attention, she’d keep it aside for him. Boxes sat in the hall, gathered from a grocery store
that morning.

All she had to do was step in
and start.

She jumped when the
doorbell rang.

Relief spread through her. She walked down the stairs, pulling open the door to find a red-eyed Kym. Her hair was in sloppy braids, and she was wearing sweats. She didn’t look like she’d slept. “Kym—what—are
you okay?”

Kym folded her arms across her chest. “Uh. I am.
I’m okay.”

Anna watched her, hand still on
the door.

Kym made no move to step in. “I called in sick to
work today.”

“You sleep
last night?”

Kym shook her head. “Kind of. I packed it up. Everything. Yesterday afternoon and all night, I packed it up. And then I put in a rental application online at one a.m. And then I drank two bottles of wine. And I slept in our bed for an hour and woke up, and he
wasn’t there.”

Anna let go of the door, stepped forward, and wrapped her arms around Kym, gripping the thin woman
to her.

For just for a second, Kym’s fingers dug into her back before she pushed Anna away and nodded once. “So,
I’m moving.”

Anna’s fingers curled around Kym’s forearms. “Yeah.
You’re moving.”

“What are you
up to?”

Anna shrugged. “Trying to be as strong as you and pack up Jake and Sally’s things from
their room.”

“Seriously? Like,
right now?”

“Yup. You rang the bell and gave me the perfect excuse to stop standing in the doorway, staring into their room and
achieving nothing.”

“Want
a hand?”

“Don’t be silly—you
look exhausted.”

“Anna—let
me help.”

The look Kym gave her was almost pleading and, not for the first time, Anna wondered how she was still
standing. “Okay.”

Anna stepped back, and Kym walked in and followed her up the stairs. They both paused in the doorway, Anna looking into the room apprehensively. Kym turned and looked at her profile, then did what Anna couldn’t: she grabbed a box and stepped in, turning to look
at Anna.

Grabbing a box herself, Anna followed. She looked around at Sally and Jake’s things spread out, the touches of objects that made up their room—photos, ornaments from travels, the bottle of sand Jake had sent Sally from Iraq, Sally’s collection of first-edition novels passed down from her grandmother. All of it just
 
stuff
 
really, just things. But all of it was a collection of them, mapping out the moments of their meeting, falling pregnant, getting married, starting
a family.

This room was
 
them
, in a lot of ways. It was
their space.

Kym tilted her head as Anna watched her look around. “Let’s start with the socks. Can’t get sentimental
about socks.”

With a shaky laugh, Anna nodded. “Socks
it is.”

“Hello?”

The sound floated up the stairway, and Anna felt relieved. Lane
was here.

“Upstairs!” Anna tried to call
out quietly.

She heard Lane’s footsteps on the stairs and looked up from where she sat cross-legged on the floor in the middle of Jake and
Sally’s room.

Lane paused in the doorway and took in the scene in front
of her.

The room was filled with boxes, drawers opened and empty, the wardrobe door open, and nothing but dust inside. There were boxes in two separate piles, one along a wall, and the other near the bed. The dresser was barren and most of the boxes were
taped up.

A concerned smile hovered on Lane’s face. “How
you doing?”

Finger to her lips, Anna indicated the bed. Passed out over the covers lay Toby
and Kym.

“That is possibly the cutest thing I’ve
ever seen.”

“Kym didn’t get much sleep last night. She lasted four hours before
falling asleep.”

“Toby’s
sleeping late?”

Anna gave a slight shrug. “He woke up far too early from his nap from the noise and then passed out again. He’ll
be fine.”

Leaning her shoulder against the doorframe, Lane watched Anna. Lost, Anna looked around
the bedroom.

“You going to move
in here?”

Anna sighed, leaning back on her hands. “I suppose.” She looked up at Lane. “I mean, that’s what makes sense. It just feels...weird, like I’m trying to
replace them.”

“I don’t think it’s like that at all. It makes sense for you to be in here. It’s your house now, Anna. They left it for you, because if this happened, they wanted you to feel like it
was yours.”

Anna nodded, staring at
a box.

With a sigh, Lane walked forward, sitting cross-legged in front of her and resting her hands on Anna’s knees. “It sucks.” Anna looked up at her sharply. Lane continued. “It sucks, to put it all
in boxes.”

“It does.”

“I’m glad Kym
was here.”

“I don’t think I would have started without her. You would have gotten here tonight to find me surrounded by empty boxes.” Anna looked down at her watch. “Actually, on that…it’s only four?” A smile spread over her face.
“You’re early.”

“I escaped.”

“Are you
playing hooky?”

Coyly, Lane grinned. “I may have found out I’m stuck on a random night shift tomorrow and so
 
may
 
have taken the liberty of claiming extensive hours to the coordinator, who panicked when he looked at my roster and sent me home, scared I’d call
the union.”

Chuckling, Anna wrapped her arms around Lane’s
neck. “Sneaky.”

With a soft kiss, Lane closed the distance, arms tightening around
each other.

Lips trailing down Lane’s neck, Anna grimaced when Lane said, “Haven’t got to do that in a
few days.”

“I know. Life has a habit of getting in
the way.”

Lane’s hands came up to lift Anna’s head. “Just makes it more worth it when I
see you.”

“Okay, seriously, you two
are repulsive.”

They both turned to see Kym sitting up on her elbow, rubbing her eyes and making
a face.

A smirk played on Anna’s lips, and she reached for the box she had next to her, pondering the inside of it. Her expression
turned uncertain.

Kym sat up on the bed, crossing her legs. “Stop.
It’s fine.”

All Anna could do was shrug. She cast a worried look at Toby, still fast asleep, then back to
the box.

Lane looked at Toby, too. “Thinking of putting him
in there?”

“Funny. It’s a box of things to keep for him, of both
their stuff.”

“How do you choose something
like that?”

“Exactly. What if I keep the
wrong things?”

Moving to the edge of the bed, Kym spoke up. “Anna, nothing you keep for him will be wrong. You kept the things he kept grabbing at in here and added the things you thought
he’d like.”

Anna chewed her lip and passed the box over to Lane, who peered inside. “You’re giving him the sand in
the glass?”

“Yeah.”

Lane had a look through, noting the dark black jacket Anna had kept of Jake’s that might one day fit Toby, the odd ornament, the photos, the shaving kit, and the bottle of aftershave. “This is
perfect, Anna.”

Still worried, Anna gnawed
her lip.

With a squeeze of Anna’s knee, Lane smiled. “It’s a big responsibility, choosing this stuff. You’ve
done well.”