All You Desire (30 page)

“Do you recognize this girl?” he asked.

“No,” Haven said, jealous to think that the lovely creature might once have been real. “Should I? Is she someone I've known?”

“It's you.”

“Me?”

“This is what you looked like when we first met. I saw you dancing in the gardens behind your father's house in Crete.” He smiled at the memory. “Do you know what I did when I saw you there, spinning around to the music inside your head? I laughed. You might not believe it, but I'd never laughed before. But you were so young and beautiful, so full of life and passion. You were everything that I wasn't. Matteo must have seen you too. The resemblance is uncanny. I often wonder how many lifetimes it took him to acquire the skills needed to craft such a masterpiece.”

“Is Matteo Salvadore a member of the Society?”

“No,” Adam said firmly. “He visited the OS back in the 1940s. He was only eighteen when I first met him, but he said he'd been sculpting for well over a decade. He remembered little snippets of previous lives. Nothing remarkable, just the sort of meaningless memories that stick around for no reason. I asked for a chance to inspect his work, and he brought me here. He'd just completed this statue. He said it was a girl he was sure he'd once seen, but he couldn't remember where or when. Of course I recognized you in an instant. It was so soon after losing Constance, and the pain was still fresh. I asked him if I could sit with you for a while. I stayed here in this garden for three days. Matteo never asked a single question.

“He wanted to join the Society, but I refused. I couldn't bear to see his talents be misused or destroyed. So I became his patron instead. I gave him the money he needed to pursue his art, with no strings attached. In the past seventy years, I've asked only three things of him. I asked him never to sell your statue. I asked that I be allowed to visit this garden whenever I like. And a year ago I asked Matteo to create two statues for the mausoleum I had constructed in Green-Wood Cemetery.”

“He's known you for seventy years? Has he ever wondered why you still look the same as the day you first met?” Haven asked.

“Matteo knows I'm not like everyone else.”

“Is he frightened of you?”

“Why would he be?” Adam asked. “I've never been anything but kind to him. May I ask you a question?”

“Yes.”

“Are
you
still frightened of me?”

“A little,” Haven admitted. “When I was last in New York—when we were upstairs in that room together. You were going to . . .” She couldn't say it. “What would have happened if Beau hadn't shown up?”

“I don't know,” Adam confessed as his eyes swept the ground. “I look back at that moment, and I don't recognize myself anymore. I'm ashamed to remember the events of that day.”

Shame
. He had put a name on the emotion still building inside of her. She was ashamed that she'd bartered Adam's heart for Beau's safety. Ashamed to let Adam hope that his love might be returned. And ashamed to realize that a bit of it already was.

“Haven? Is something wrong? Have I made you unhappy?”

“No. It's not you,” Haven told him, trying to keep the tears from her eyes. “You've been so kind to me. Helping me find Beau, getting me a room at the hotel, convincing Alex Harbridge to let me design a dress for her . . .”

“I told you I had nothing to do with Alex's dress,” Adam said. “As for the rest, it has been my pleasure. I only wish I could do more for you. But I'm willing to wait.” He turned his gaze to the statue of the first girl he'd loved. The first of many who had fled from his embrace. “Haven, when you asked me to dinner, it was more than I could ever have hoped for. The idea that you might come to me of your own volition. Quite frankly, it's astounding.”

“I guess I'm just grateful,” Haven said. “And I can see that there is something different about you now.”

“For the first time, I'm looking forward to the future,” Adam responded, the life returning to his dark eyes. “Before, all I had was the past. That's why I hoarded everything that you'd touched. Now I don't need those things. I'm sorry,” he added when he caught sight of the flush creeping up Haven's neck. “I didn't want to embarrass you.”

“You didn't,” Haven lied. “I was just wondering why you weren't like this before. If you had been, I might not have kept running away from you.”

“It's not always easy to know what someone wants most,” Adam said. “At first I imagined that your affection could be purchased with gold and jewels. Those efforts to win your heart were spectacular failures. Then I tried solving the problems you encountered in each lifetime. That worked for a while. There were a few years in Constantinople when we both were happy. Then you discovered the truth about me and threw yourself into the Bosphorus. Later, in Florence, I lost my chance again. But now I know what it is that you desire. I know the one thing I can give you that you can't ever refuse.”

“What?” Haven asked.

“Someone good. Someone you can trust. I saw how distressed you were when Iain disappointed you, and I realized that if I wanted to be with you, I would need to be the man that he wasn't. So I began making the necessary changes. I'm trying to reform the Society. I want to give our members a new mission. One day you may choose to rule by my side, and I want you to be proud of what we have. Think of what we might be able to accomplish with the OS behind us. It can be a force for good, just as August Strickland intended it to be.”

“But I still don't understand, Adam. You once told me that chaos is necessary. You said that without you, the world would grow stagnant. What's going to happen if you become someone different?”

“The universe has ways of keeping its balance,” Adam replied. “I have a plan, but I won't lie to you, Haven. What I'm attempting might be dangerous. I don't know what the results may be.”

“But you're still willing to change?” Haven asked. “Just for me?”

Adam gazed down at her. “I love you,” he said simply. “I have from the moment I first laid eyes on you. I don't think you realize how important you are to me, Haven. You're my only imperfection.”

“Your
imperfection
?” It wasn't quite the compliment Haven had anticipated.

“Nothing in creation was made without flaws. For thousands of years, I thought I was the exception to that rule. I believed I was a superior being sent to lead a race of weaker creatures. I despised humans, who could be manipulated by desires they couldn't control. Then I discovered you, and I realized that
I'm
the one to be pitied. Only when I'm near you do I feel fully alive. I suffer the lust and the longing that mortal men must endure. I've become addicted to the sensation, and I'm jealous of the creatures I scorned. You were sent to humble me, Haven. I'm human whenever you're by my side.”

Haven knew Phoebe would be pleased by Adam's admission. But she felt no relief or delight. She wished there was a way to give him the one thing he wanted. All Haven could offer Adam now was a brief glimpse of the way things might have been if her heart had never belonged to someone else. She reached out and took one of Adam's hands. His fingers felt as smooth and cold as those of the statues in the garden. Adam gazed at her until his wonderment turned to joy.

“Come,” he said. “I'll walk you home.”

They strolled hand in hand to the Gramercy Gardens Hotel. By the time the pair reached the lobby, Adam's fingers had absorbed her warmth. They could have passed for human, Haven thought.

“Would it be all right if I—”

“Yes,” Haven said. She had known the moment was coming, and she closed her eyes and waited for Adam's kiss. It finally arrived, and the chill of his lips spread through her body. Her fingers tingled as they touched his back, and a wonderful numbness washed over the rest of her. Soon she realized Adam's arms were all that was keeping her from collapsing to the floor. She'd let him kiss her because she pitied him. But Haven suddenly felt herself kissing Adam back.

And that was when she knew she could love him. She had always imagined that there weren't any forks on destiny's path—no hard choices that would need to be made. She was meant to be with Iain. That was it, end of story. But now she saw another life she could easily have chosen. One with a man who adored her enough to do whatever she asked of him. A man with the power to alter the course of history. A beautiful being whose kiss, when it ended, left her stupefied.

“Good night,” Adam whispered softly in Haven's ear. “Will I see you soon?”

“Yes,” Haven promised, staggering a little as the feeling returned to her legs and toes. “You will.”

She stood in the lobby and watched Adam leave. She remained frozen in the same spot after he was gone, wondering what it was she'd just done—and what exactly it meant. Part of Haven wanted to slink upstairs in shame. Another part would have rushed after Adam.

“Phoebe will be pleased,” said a young female voice with a faint accent. A girl with blonde hair passed within whispering range. Haven recognized her motorcycle boots before she managed to place the girl's face. “That kiss almost looked a little
too
real.”

When the girl pushed through the hotel's glass doors, Haven's ears caught the sound of someone whistling in the darkness outside. Just a few notes of the ancient tune were all she needed to identify the song she'd waited to hear every night back in Rome. Iain was letting her know he was on his way. Haven turned toward her room. Her choice had been made.

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

There was no way to tell if it had been a dream or a memory. She could feel a man's hands unfastening her clothing, exposing the flesh beneath it. She could hear him breathing, but she didn't see his face. Whoever it was, she helped him with the last few buttons. At last she was fully exposed. She waited for him to touch her. When his fingers brushed against her skin, they were as cold as a corpse.

Haven woke with a gasp. Someone was sitting on the end of her bed.

“Iain?” Haven's voice was thick with sleep.

“Yes.”

She dove across the bed and threw her arms around him. She hadn't realized how much worry had been weighing her down. Now that she knew for a fact that Iain was safe, Haven felt lighter than she had in days. “Oh my God, Iain! I'm so glad you're here! I'm so glad you're okay!”

But something was wrong. He wasn't responding to her kisses.

“I saw you, Haven.”

Haven lurched backward as the guilt skewered her. She'd convinced herself that the whistle outside had been a mixture of the wind and her imagination.

“Tonight?” she asked, hoping he'd witnessed some other—any other—scene.

“I came to tell you I finally found Padma. I saw Adam bring you here. I saw you kiss him in the lobby. What happened to the week you were supposed to give me, Haven? Why didn't you stay away from him like you promised?”

“What are you talking about? I would have waited if Phoebe had let me!”

“Phoebe?” Iain repeated, his brow furrowed with confusion. Then his eyes rose to the ceiling, and he nodded as if an answer had been sent from above. “I get it now. Phoebe wanted to get me out of her hair, so she agreed to let me look for Padma. She swore she'd put her own plan on hold. But she didn't, did she?”

“No,” said Haven. “She told me that we had to go ahead with both plans.” Iain was right—they'd been double-crossed. And Haven had allowed it to happen when she'd shown up late for the meeting with the Horae. She had given Phoebe the perfect opportunity to drive them apart and get Iain out of the way.

“Well,” Iain sighed. “That explains why you were with Adam tonight. But why did you have to
kiss
him, Haven? And how many times have you had to?”

He had every right to ask, but the question still felt like a slap to the face. “That was the first and the
last
time, Iain! So don't treat me like I'm some kind of traitor. I've been honest with you. Which is more than you can say. Why didn't you tell me that Mia Michalski is your ex-girlfriend?”

“What? Who told you
that
?”

“Does it matter?” Haven shot back. It was much easier to live with what she'd done when she imagined that Iain might not be innocent, either.

“Whoever it was needs to have his head checked. But in case you're concerned, Haven, I haven't seen Mia in days. She's been busy searching for Beau, and I've been looking for Padma. We've both been doing what we can to help
you
.”

Haven saw the pain written on Iain's face, and she was shocked to think that she was responsible. That horrible girl must still be lurking somewhere inside her. Beatrice was doing her best to push Iain away, but Haven couldn't let her succeed. She had sworn she wouldn't let anything come between her and the person she'd fought so hard to find.

“I'm sorry,” Haven said, pressing her forehead against Iain's slumped shoulder. Her tears were a skin-searing mixture of guilt, shame, and misery. “For everything. I shouldn't have kissed Adam. And I should
never
have questioned your loyalty. I know how hard you've been working to help me. If I went too far with Adam, it was because I just want this all to be over. I want to save Beau and grab the first flight to Rome. I'd give anything to be sitting on our balcony right now, listening to a story about one of our lives.”

“Me too,” Iain said. “That's why I came here. I thought you'd be happy to hear that we might be a little bit closer to getting back home.”