All Your Loving (Bachelors & Bridesmaids) (10 page)

"I don't agree."

"Then we'll have to agree to disagree." She settled back into her seat as the woman began to sing again, grateful for the interruption. Even though she'd told Matt she didn't agree with him, his words had gotten into her head. She didn't need him questioning her decisions. She was doing all right for herself. Maybe it would have been cool to play in a professional orchestra, but she liked the job she had now. She wasn't going to waste another minute thinking about
what ifs
. There was just no point to regret. It didn't change anything.

The music gradually seeped into her soul, lessening her tension, slowing her pulse. Music had always been her escape, and tonight was no different. By the time they left the bar, she was feeling a lot calmer.

The trip back to her apartment was made in relative quiet. Matt insisted on parking and walking her inside. She should have liked his attentiveness, but the closer they got to her apartment, the more she worried about saying goodnight—or not saying goodnight. She could ask him in. She could hook up with him. It would be amazing; she knew that. But she wasn't that kind of girl. She didn't start relationships that couldn't possibly go anywhere. And she didn't want to have sex with a man she probably wouldn't see again after the cook-off. She knew herself. And getting that close to a man would involve her emotions. Once those got into the mix, she could get hurt, and she was not going to let Matt hurt her.

She unlocked her door and stepped inside, turning on the lights as she did so. Then she turned back to Matt, who hovered in the doorway.

For a long minute they just looked at each other. Then she said, "I had fun tonight."

"I'm glad you can admit that at least. I did, too."

"I guess the next time I'll see you will be the cook-off."

"I have a feeling I'll see you before then."

"I'm pretty busy—"

"And you're afraid if we spend time together, you won't be able to keep your hands off of me," he said with a cocky note in his voice.

He was absolutely right, but there was no way she was going to tell him that. "Goodnight, Matt," she said pointedly.

"No kiss?"

"Apparently, I can keep my hands off of you," she said dryly, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

He laughed. "I walked right into that one, didn't I?" He quickly bridged the gap between them and stole a quick kiss before she could uncross her arms and push him away. "Goodnight, Julie. I'll see you soon."

* * *

She wasn't going to call him, wasn't going to see him, wasn't going to think about him, Julie told herself for the hundredth time as Monday afternoon dragged on. But in truth she could think of little else. She couldn't remember the last time she'd gotten so wrapped up in a guy. She was smart to cut it off now.

Smart, but not particularly happy
.

With a sigh, she tried to focus on the spreadsheet on her computer. She was supposed to be going over the final arrangements for the cook-off, not mooning over one of their celebrities.

A knock came at the door of her office, and she looked up to see her mother in the doorway. Alicia Michaels gave her a tentative smile as she jumped to her feet.

"Mom, what are you doing here?" she asked in surprise.

"I was in the city, and I wanted to talk to you. I thought you might be able to get off work a little early and get a drink with me. Maybe one of those wine bars that are so popular now."

There was absolutely nothing about her mother's reply that made sense. Her mom rarely came to the city, never dropped by her office, and didn't drink anything stronger than diet coke. "What's wrong?"

Her mom fidgeted with the strap on her bag. "Nothing is wrong. I just want to talk to you. I mentioned that yesterday."

"You also said we could do it next weekend."

"Well, I can't wait that long. Can you get away for a bit?"

It was almost five, so she gave a nod. "Sure. There's a coffee place down the street. We can go there."

"Good," her mom said with relief. "That's perfect."

Julie grabbed her purse and ushered her mom out of the office, pausing a moment at the reception desk to say she'd be back in about an hour if anyone was looking for her.

"Do you really have to go back to work?" Alicia asked as they walked out of the building. "Isn't the day over?"

"There's a lot going on. My days rarely end at five."

"You work too hard, Julie."

"Everyone works hard. We're a non-profit. We run lean so the money can go to where it helps the most."

"Maybe you should consider getting out of non-profit and working on the corporate side of fundraising. I'm sure you've made a lot of connections."

"I'm not interested in that."

"It would pay you more money."

"What's going on, Mom?"

"Nothing. Can't a mother be worried about her daughter's financial future?"

She frowned but decided not to press her mother for more information until they had coffee and a table between them. Kat's Koffee House was warm and cozy with delicious coffee and even better pastries. After picking up their coffees, they sat down at a table by the window, sipping on skinny vanilla lattes.

Her mom looked tired, Julie thought. Her blue eyes were full of shadows and the lines across her forehead and around her mouth seemed more pronounced. The gray was beginning to show in the roots of her hair, and she'd lost weight, too. This was not the woman who'd gotten married with joy and exuberance three months earlier. "Okay," she said decisively. "You have to tell me what's wrong. You're starting to worry me. Is it Kent? Is it the marriage?"

"No, this has nothing to do with him. Well, maybe it has a little do with him, but he's not the reason I haven't been sleeping well the last few weeks." Her mother set down her coffee and twisted her hands together. "A long time ago, I made a decision out of anger. I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyway. I should have made it right years ago, but I didn't."

"What on earth are you talking about?"

"Your father."

She stiffened. "We don't talk about him, remember?"

Alicia nodded. "I know that was my rule. It was easier if I could just pretend he didn't exist. But that wasn't fair to you. I want to apologize Julie."

"You don't have anything to apologize for, and I don't even understand why we're talking about him now."

"You know that Kent has helped me deal with my bitterness and anger?"

"Yes," she said warily.

"Well, I confided in him, and he told me that I was never going to be free of the past until I came clean."

Her brows drew together. She couldn't make sense of what her mother was saying. "I don't understand."

Her mother stared back at her. "I know you don't, but you will." She reached into her bag and pulled out a large, thick manila envelope. "After your dad left, he sent you a letter. I don't know if you remember that, but—"

"I remember. I didn't want to read it."

"You gave it to me and told me to throw it away, but I just put it in my drawer. When other notes came in, I put them in the same place. I was angry. You were angry. We were both upset all the time. I thought I was doing the right thing. Or maybe that's not even true. I was just locking him in the drawer so I wouldn't have to think about him. He tried to call you a few times, but I intercepted the calls. I wouldn't give him your cell phone number, and I told him you'd be in touch when you were ready." Alicia gave her an apologetic look. "I realize now that I never wanted you to be ready, Julie. I didn’t want to lose you to him. I was selfish. I wanted you on my side, and I was afraid that your dad might charm you into being on his side. So I deliberately did everything I could to keep you apart."

"After what he did to you, to our family, how could you think I would take his side?" she asked. "That wouldn't have happened in a million years."

"Maybe not, but I should have given you the chance to make that decision. So I'm giving you everything that he sent you over the years, and you can do whatever you want with the information."

She stared at the envelope like it was a snake about to bite. "I don’t want it."

"I think you should look through his letters."

She shook her head, meeting her mom's gaze. "Why? I'm sure they're filled with meaningless apologies. Nothing he could say would change what he did to us."

Her mom let out a sigh. "He did it to me, Julie. He cheated on me. I was his wife. The other women had nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. Your father loved you very much. I thought I was punishing him by making it hard for him to get in touch with you, but I was punishing you, too, and it's taken me ten years to realize that."

"Dad could have found me after I left the house. He could have contacted me at college. I've been on my own for years. It's not that difficult to find someone on the Internet, so if he wanted to get in touch with me, he could have found a way."

"I'm sure he thinks you hate him. I told him that every time he called." Her mother blew out a breath. "I was such a basket case when he left. I don’t know how I lost myself, but I did. I built my whole life around your dad. I was so in love with him. But the whole time we were together I was so worried about him cheating or walking away that I actually pushed him in that direction. He used to tell me that I was always testing him. I didn't know what he meant at the time, but I think now that I do know. I was jealous and clingy and questioning him over everything he did. I'd go through his phone. I'd read his email. I'd ask the other wives to ask their husbands what he was doing on the road. The older I got, the longer we were together, the more worried I became that I wasn't going to be enough for him. Beautiful women were always around your father. I felt like a middle-aged hag. Then the worst came true."

"You're not trying to say now that somehow Dad's cheating was your fault, are you?"

"No," her mom said quickly. "Definitely not. That's on him. I'm just saying that there was another side that you probably never heard or even saw, because I didn't want you to hear it or see it. When your father left, you were all I had left, and I became obsessed with keeping you away from him and making you feel the same way I felt. But that was wrong. I'm sorry, honey. I wish I could change it, but I can't. I can only try to do better now."

Julie sat back in her chair, her mind spinning from her mother's rapid-fire confession. "I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything. I just needed you to hear me."

"It's so weird," she muttered. "How Dad's name keeps coming up all of a sudden. I didn't think about him for years, but the past week it has all come back."

Now it was her mother's turn to look confused. "This past week? But I just brought him up yesterday on the phone."

"Yes, but he came up in a bigger way for me when I had to go to the ballpark to invite a baseball player to participate in our Celebrity Cook-Off."

"You went to the Cougars' ballpark?" her mother asked in astonishment. "I'm surprised you didn't get someone else to do that."

"I tried, but everyone felt that with my last name I had a better shot at getting Matt Kingsley on board."

"Matt Kingsley," her mom echoed. "I remember him. He was one of the young guys your father mentored his last year or so in the game."

"Yeah, Matt has a great opinion of Dad. He thinks he's a hero."

"A lot of people felt that way about your father."

"Anyway, Matt asked me about Dad, and I found myself telling him the story, which, of course, made me think about everything that happened." She paused. "I really thought I knew the way it went down, but I must admit you're making me question a few things now."

"I'm trying to be as honest as I can be," her mom said. "Even though I'm terrified you're now going to hate me and want to go see him."

She reached across the table and put her hand over her mother's. "You don't ever have to worry about losing me, Mom."

"Even now that you know what I did?"

"I told you to put that first letter away."

"But you didn't know about the rest."

"I probably would have had the same reaction."

"Maybe not if you'd read one."

"Did you read them?"

"No, they're sealed, but I know how good your father is with words. He used to write me love letters when we were teenagers. I think I fell in love with him through those letters." Alicia drew in a big breath. "It feels good to get this out. It was weighing on me. I just hope by doing so, I'm not hurting you again."

"I'm fine. I'm all grown up now."

"I know. You're beautiful and smart, and I am so proud of you."

"Thanks."

Her mother pushed the envelope closer to her. "You really do need to keep this, Julie. If you want to throw the letters away, that's up to you, but I need to give them to you. I need to move on completely. Maybe I'm being selfish again—"

"You're not. You should move on."

"You should, too."

"Well, I went to the ballpark, didn't I?"

"You did do that." Her mom tilted her head. "As I recall Matt Kingsley was a very good-looking young man."

"He still is," she admitted.

"And he's single?"

"Yep. But I'm not going to go down that road."

Her mom gave her a helpless smile. "I'd certainly advise you not to, but it's your decision."

"I've decided not to see Matt again—well, except for the cook-off."

"It sounds like you've already seen him more than just once."

"I have. He's very charming, but you don't have to worry, Mom. I know exactly what I'm doing."

Her mother laughed and shook her head. "Oh, Julie. That's the exact same thing I said to your grandmother right before I married your father."

"It's not the same."

"Of course it's not. But I still need to tell you to be careful."

"Some people think I'm too careful," she murmured.

"Is one of those people Matt?"

She nodded. "Yes."

But it wasn't just Matt who thought she was too careful, she'd been thinking the same thing about herself. She wanted to protect her heart from more pain, but she also wanted to live her life with some passion. She just didn't know how to do both.