Allure (14 page)

‘Kira, baby…’

‘I let him turn me into something nobody should ever become.
I
let him do that. That’s why I changed my name, my appearance; I put the woman I once was to rest, I had to do that. I had to leave her behind. I couldn’t
be
her anymore.’

‘You told no one? Your family, do they even know where you are?’

‘My family didn’t protect me. They couldn’t. I’m not sure they would have done, even if they’d known. Our fathers were in business together, and if I’d said anything… I don’t know if they would have listened. The truth, it would have wrecked everything, torn their settled, cosy, successful lives apart…’

‘And what about
you
? He fucking raped you, Kira. And you let that go?’

He’s angry, I can see it in his eyes, but it doesn’t matter. What that monster did to me back then, I’m over it. I feel nothing but numb now. Most days, anyway.

‘It’s over, Neal. I left it behind, and it’s over.’

His eyes are still telling me he
can’t
let it go, but he does, for me. Because he can see I don’t want to sit here and analyse it. I’ve done enough of that. I’ve moved on. Moved forward.

‘
He
made you do this?’ Neal whispers, and his expression is softer now, as though he already knows the answer to that.

‘What he
did
made me do this. He treat me like I didn’t matter, and the only way I could cope with that was to do the same to him, through other men – treat them like they meant nothing. I built a wall around myself, and I became Kira Blu, a woman who uses men but lets them think they’re using
her
. I needed to get the power back, Neal. And this is the only way I knew how to do that.’

‘But, ten years, baby?’

‘It’s my world now. You said yourself, the world you created soon became the world in which you lived. It was the same for me. I grew to like it. I grew to love the power I had –
have
. And it’s all I know now.’

‘Does Joey know…?’

‘Joey knows everything. And he’s the only other person who does. Joey saved me, Neal. I was at my lowest when my guardian angel found me, slumped in a heap at the back of Bam-Bams, tired and sore and bruised because I’d just ran. All night. There was no one I could turn to, I had nowhere to go because all my friends – they were all connected to my family, to
him
. I couldn’t go to them. I was on my own, and I was scared and tired and lost and Joey he… he, quite literally, helped me get back on my feet. He took me into the club, he cleaned me up, and every one of those guys in there fussed over me like a princess. From that day on my life changed. I became their girl, their little sister, and they became my family. I’ve never needed anyone else.’

‘But Joey, he – did he not try and dissuade you, from going into the escort business? I mean, after what happened…?’

‘Joey learnt very early on how stubborn I can be. Nobody was going to stop me, Neal. Nobody. I needed this life, I really did. I needed it. I needed to deal with things in my own way. And, yeah, after what happened some may think that sex would be something I’d shy away from, but I wanted to use it to heal myself. And whether anyone else understands that or not, it doesn’t matter. Because it worked for me. I didn’t want to be scared of men touching me. But I needed it to be on
my
terms. And this worked, for
me
.’

He says nothing for a few seconds, and I know he’s still trying to get his head around it all, because it probably doesn’t make much sense to him – to anyone, but me. ‘And in all those years nobody’s tried to find you? None of your family have even tried to get in touch? To see if you’re OK?’

I shrug, because I don’t know. I have no idea. They may, at some point, have put up some feeble attempt to seek me out, but whether they did or not, I really don’t care. ‘That’s not my life anymore. This is.’

‘You deserve better, Kira.’

‘I deserve the life I have, Neal.’

‘Come home, with me. Back to
New York
.’

His words knock the stuffing out of me. And I don’t believe for one second he means it. He’s just reacting to the emotion and the crazy route this night has taken.

‘Don’t, Neal, please…’

‘Whatever shit has gone on in our pasts, baby, we don’t need to let it shape a future we both deserve. We could be happy again, Kira.’

I let go of him and climb off him, grabbing my discarded robe and wrapping it back around myself. ‘We’re living in a bubble here. And that bubble is going to burst when you leave me…’

‘I’m not leaving you, baby.’

He jumps out of bed and comes over to me, swinging me back into his arms and once more he’s holding me, and I like it. I allow myself to be swept up into this fucked-up fairytale because I like the way it makes me feel – alive, after so many years of feeling numb and dead inside.

One man killed me.

But this one is bringing me back to life.

And I can’t ignore that…

Neal

Some bastard rapes her and she decides to punish all men by giving them her spectacular body and messing with their heads, because she can. She can do that, and she can do it like no woman I’ve ever met before, and I’ve slept with a hell of a lot of escorts. Part of me likes her style, and another part wants to string up the asshole who treat her like shit and kick the living crap out of him. I can’t get my head around the fact she didn’t want to make him pay for what he did – he ruined her fucking life! But then again, if he hadn’t done that, I would never have met her. And just thinking that makes me uneasy. She shouldn’t have had to go through that, and I shouldn’t have had to see my wife go through all that pain; her entire life torn apart because of someone else’s stupid mistake. But shit happens. It happened to us. And we found each other because of it. We deserve to be fucking happy.

‘We’re both exhausted, Neal. We’re saying things we don’t really mean…’

She thinks I don’t mean it? She thinks I don’t want to take her out of this fucked-up situation and start again? She’s wrong. ‘I’m falling in love with you, Kira, and…’ I suddenly remember something she mentioned earlier. ‘You said you changed your name…’

‘Kira’s my real name. Now. Blu is my work surname, shall we say, but Kira is my name. I changed it, officially. My birth name – it’s gone. It doesn’t exist now. I’m not her anymore.’

‘Do I get to know the real you, huh?’

Her eyes are just a touch wary, and I know she’s wondering whether to tell me or not.

‘Kira Hardy is my new name. My real name. You don’t need to know who I was before.’

I kiss her again, and it’s all I want to do, forever. Kiss her, and love her back to life.

‘Come home with me, Kira. Let’s just end the shit and start again, you and me. Come home with me, baby.’

Kira

I don’t want him to say any more. I don’t want to hear the words or even think about the possibility that we could actually be together. I want to be with him, so much I can’t explain, but that only makes me even more terrified of what’s going to happen when he has to go. Because I can’t go with him. I can’t. It’s crazy to even think that could be an option.

‘I mean it, Kira. All of it. Everything I’ve said, I mean it, from falling in love with you to wanting you to come back to
New York
with me. I mean every fucking word.’

He loosens my robe and I watch as it falls to the floor. The pull is too much, the connection too strong. It’s like we can’t be in the same room together for more than a few minutes before this insane need to fuck each other takes over. I’m feeling it now, that force, that painful, aching urge. And I know he’s feeling it too. But that’s all we have, in reality – an intense physical relationship. Outside of sex we have nothing, not really, despite everything we’ve just told each other. I don’t see how that can change anything.

‘Come on, Cannon.’ I take his hand and pull him back towards the bed. ‘Enough talking.’

‘Kira…’

I put my fingers to his lips and shake my head. ‘Enough talking.’

We’ve shared enough secrets, opened up enough old wounds. It’s time to do what we both do best. In bed we’re crazy-good together, and I kind of need him in that way right now.

I lie down and he lies behind me so we spoon, his arm pulling me back against him and I close my eyes as our fingers intertwine. His breath is warm on my shoulder as he kisses it softly and I want to stay here forever, curled up together in our not-so-perfect bubble. Nobody can get to us here; there’s no one to question or judge us. We’re alone with our secrets and our guilt. Alone. I like it that way.

He lets go of my hand and I keep my eyes closed as he gently manoeuvres me into a position that makes it easier for him to push inside me, and when he does it feels like someone’s suddenly thrown a blanket of calm over both of us. It’s the most beautiful feeling. And the most frightening.

His hand takes mine again, and as he pulls me back against him I can’t stop more tears from falling. He’s making love to me and I’m crying, and I know he’s crying too because I can feel his tears on my shoulder, falling onto my skin, and I just want the world to go away and leave us alone. I don’t want to leave this room, or live outside of his arms, I don’t. I don’t want to. I don’t…

Fifteen

Neal

I turn over and reach out but she isn’t there. There’s just an empty space beside me and I sit up, looking over at the bathroom to see if there’s a light on in there. I can’t hear anything, no shower running, no sound of someone moving about.

I look over to where I know her clothes had been thrown onto the floor last night – I threw them there – and they’re gone. So is her purse, and her phone. The only trace that she was ever here is the indent in the pillow beside mine, and the smell of her perfume.

I drop my head into my hands. I feel sick. Yesterday was the most emotionally draining day I’ve experienced since the day I’d buried Lisa – my beautiful, dead wife; the day I’d turned my back on love and all the crap that comes with it. And then Kira Blu happened, with her crazy-long legs and her broken soul. I opened my heart to her last night, I gave her everything, exposed my deepest, inner pain to her. And she’s gone.

I reach for my phone and find her number on speed dial, but it rings out, cutting straight to voicemail. ‘Kira, baby, it’s Neal. You run out on me, darlin’?’ I sound light-hearted, but inside I’m dying. ‘Just call me, sweetheart. Please.’

I throw the phone down and get up, pull on my jeans and go over to my laptop. I switch it on and wait, the knot in my stomach tightening with every empty second that ticks by.

I can’t believe she’d do this. I can’t believe she’d just go without even saying goodbye,
Jesus!
Goodbye…

Logging on to her agency website I click on her profile and look to see if her calendar’s up. It is. And as my eyes focus on the days and dates I feel nausea rising once more. She’s got bookings in for today. One this afternoon, one tonight. Tonight. She’s supposed to be with me, every night, until I have to leave. She’s supposed to be with me. Tonight is my last night. Tomorrow I go home. I can’t get my head around this.

I don’t know what I’m feeling here. I don’t, I can’t think straight. I know she told me she was still seeing clients during the day, but I guess I’d hoped she’d stop doing that, given what I thought we had… What the hell
do
we have?
Shit!
I slam my fist down so hard on the desk it hurts, but the pain is nothing. I don’t really feel it. It’s nothing, because I’m being torn apart by a pain way more fierce than a bruised fist.

I grab a shirt and pull it on, running my fingers through my hair. I’m on auto-pilot here, not really sure what I’m gonna do next, but I have to do something. I’m not giving up on her. I’m not giving up on what I think we could have. She’s scared, I get that, after what she’s been through I understand how fucked-up her head must be. I’m scared, too. But if she thinks she can just walk away from this, she’s wrong. She’s so fucking wrong…

Kira

‘Do you want to talk about it?’

I shake my head, but that’s not enough to deter Joey.

‘OK, angel, let me put this another way – talk about it.’

He sits down opposite me and I look up at him. ‘Shouldn’t you be rehearsing?’

‘Queen of the subject change. Yes, I should, but you sitting there with that face on, it’s distracting.’

‘
You
wanted me to come here.’

‘Because I was afraid if I left you alone in the house I’d come home to find you slumped on the sofa watching Jeremy Kyle repeats and stuffing your face with cup cakes.’

I throw him a sarcastic look, which he ignores. ‘I’ve got work in an hour.’

‘Where?’

‘I’m sorry? When did you start tracking me?’

‘Where?’

I stare at him. ‘The Draysman.’

He sits back in his seat and throws his arms above his head, sighing in dramatic Joey fashion. ‘The Draysman.’ He leans forward, fixing me with a no-nonsense look, and he’s making me feel about twelve. Like I’m some wayward teenager who’s about to get a talking to. ‘Alright, angel, we’ve come full circle now. Talk to me. And don’t tell me there’s nothing wrong because you came home at half past five this morning… yes, I heard you. You didn’t want to wake up next to those baby-blues, huh?’

I bow my head, which was probably a mistake. ‘Just leave it, Joey, please.’

‘No secrets, Kira. That was the only promise we ever made each other. Well, that and the one where if we’re both still single by the time you’re forty we’ll just get married and be done with it.’

He’s trying to make me smile, and I love him for that, I really do. ‘He said he wanted me to go with him, back to
New York
.’ I raise my head, my eyes meeting Joey’s. ‘He told me he was falling in love with me, Joey.’

He says nothing for a second or two, and I know it’s because those words have shocked him as much as they did me.

‘I got scared, Joey. I think I’ve been scared of what he’s doing to me from the second I met him. But last night, I…’ I look down again, but I know I have to tell him everything. ‘I told him.’

‘Told him what, Kira?’

‘I told him, about Simon.’

‘Oh, Jesus…’

‘It felt right.’ My voice is little more than a whisper as I once more raise my gaze to meet Joey’s. ‘And he told me things about himself he didn’t need to share, but it made me understand him – understand why he feels the need to seek out women like me…’

‘Women like you?’

I tell Joey what Neal told me, last night, when we’d shared our inner-most secrets and I knew I had to get away. I had to run.

‘How do you know he isn’t just feeding you lines, Kira. You’ve been around these men for so long…’

‘Exactly, Joey. I’ve been around these men for so long that I can tell when they’re feeding me crap and when they’re being genuine. And you didn’t see his eyes. You didn’t feel his tears on your skin… he was making love to me and he was crying and I got fucking scared, Joey.’

‘So you ran.’

‘I ran.’

‘Has he tried calling you this morning?’

I nod. ‘He’s left a message.’

‘You gonna call him back?’

‘No. It’s over, Joey. It should have been over after that first booking. You were right – spending the night with him was a huge mistake, I should never have done it.’

‘You’re just gonna run out on him?’

‘What do you want me to do? This isn’t a normal situation. We aren’t a couple, there’s no need for the big break-up. He’s a client, I’m his whore…’

‘Kira…’

‘I’m his whore, Joey. And that was all I wanted to be. All I should have stayed. But I couldn’t stop everything else from happening. And now… now I
have
to walk away. Neal Cannon was a client. That’s all he ever was.’

‘He stopped being a client the day you stopped taking his money for sex, angel. And you know that as well as I do.’

I can’t say anything to that.

‘Is going to The Draysman a good idea, Kira?’

‘It’s where my client’s staying. And he wants me to come to him, so I don’t really have a choice.’

‘You could have said no, directed him to another one of the girls.’

‘I have to get back to normal, Joey. Neal goes home tomorrow, and I have to get back to normal.’

‘And what if he’s there? At the hotel?’

‘He has work to do. He doesn’t hang around the hotel all day. Look, I don’t want to talk about this anymore, OK? It’s over. We had some great sex – we had some
amazing
sex – but it’s time to move on now.’

He looks at me, and his expression makes me shiver slightly. ‘I think it
is
time to move on, Kira. Don’t you?’

I know what he means. But I can’t let myself do it. I’m too comfortable in this world I’ve created. I’m safe here, I’m in control. It’s my warped and wrong cocoon but I don’t want to break free from it, not yet. I’m not ready.

I check my watch and grab my bag. It’s time to go. It’s time for Kira Blu to start living again. ‘I need to get to my client.’

Joey gets up and falls into step beside me as I stride purposefully towards Bam-Bams’ exit. ‘Will you slow down, angel? I might be able to walk in these heels but I haven’t yet mastered sprinting.’

I stop walking and turn to face him. ‘What?’

‘Oh, the attitude’s back, I see.’

‘I’m going to be late, Joey.’

‘Look, Kira, I’m not saying – I’m
definitely
not saying you should…’

‘Come on, Joey. This man’s a paying client and if I’m late…’

‘If being with Neal stops you from doing this; if being with him finally makes you think twice about living in this world you’re too scared to leave then maybe… maybe you should talk to him.’

I narrow my eyes, because I can’t quite believe I’m hearing him say those words. ‘You think he was serious? About me going to
New York
with him?’

‘I don’t know, Kira. I wasn’t there. I don’t know what the hell’s gone on between you two, apart from what you tell me, and that’s been precious little in reality. But I saw your face, kid. I looked into your eyes and I saw
some
thing that told me you’re changing.’

‘You
want
me to go to
New York
, with a stranger?’

‘Did I say that? Jesus, you’re giving me a fucking headache now. And I don’t think you can call a man who’s spent the majority of the past five days inside you a stranger, do you?’

‘Joey…’

‘I don’t want you to go anywhere, Kira. I don’t want you to leave me, I love us. I love what we have. I love
you
. The escort and the drag queen – that’s who we are. We’re a kind of fucked-up ‘Will & Grace’. But you can be so much more, angel. You really don’t need to do this forever…’

‘I do…’ I whisper, wishing he’d stop and let me go. I need to go.

‘You don’t. And I don’t
want
you to do it forever. You’ve been dead inside since the day I hauled you in here and saved your pretty arse. You shut people out, you won’t let yourself be loved by anyone but drag queens and gay men and you deserve more than that, Kira. You’ve let one man and what he did to you hold you down for over ten years, and you might think that doing all of this – you might think that’s you getting back at him and those like him, but all you’ve been doing is putting your own life on hold. Move on, Kira. Get out of this life and find one that actually makes you happy.’

‘I
am
happy.’

He looks at me, but I’m stronger than this. And I’m not listening anymore.

‘You were against anything to do with Neal, Joey. So why the sudden change of heart, huh?’

‘Like I said, Kira, I looked into your eyes.’

I shake my head and walk away.

I have somewhere I need to be.

I have a life I need to get back to.

Neal

I tried ringing the escort agency she works for, but they wouldn’t give me anything. If she doesn’t want to talk to me, that’s up to her. But I need to see her, because I can’t do this. Nothing else matters right now, except finding Kira. Tomorrow I go home, and I can’t leave here without seeing her.

I don’t know where she lives, so I can’t go there. And that’s why I’m here, at the only other place I know she hangs out. Her gay haven. And now I know why she won’t let any other man near her. Now I know why she feels safe here, amongst Joey and the drag artists. These men won’t hurt her. They won’t mess with her head and expose her to all the shit she doesn’t want to feel anymore. I could do all of those things, or that’s how I’m guessing she sees it.

I walk inside and it’s quiet, because it’s early afternoon. I don’t even know if Joey is here, but I hope he is. He’s the only link I have to her now. I’ve got nothing else.

‘Can I help you with something, sugar? You look a little lost.’

I turn to see a tall, dark-haired man materialise by my side, and I know he’s trying to work out which way I swing. ‘Is Joey here?’

‘He’s around, somewhere… hang on… Kevin! Is Joey out back?’

As he tries to ascertain Joey’s whereabouts, I look around the club. The atmosphere’s different when it’s quiet; more sedate than when I was last here. With Kira.

‘Kevin’s gone to fetch Joey.’

His voice drags me back from memories so recent I’m still living them. ‘Thanks.’

‘You a friend of his?’

He obviously wasn’t there the night we were here, or he’d probably have some idea of who I am. ‘Not really. I know Kira.’

His expression suddenly changes; becomes more wary. He’s heard about me, then. I can tell by the look on his face.

‘You’re Neal?’

‘Yeah. Yeah, I’m Neal.’

He looks me up and down, his eyes scanning me slowly. ‘Hmmm… they were right. You
are
hot!’

‘Leave him alone, Ricky.’