Almost Lost (22 page)

Paula put on her mom face, and Lance and Sammy both snickered and straightened up in their chairs. “I guess we'd better get back to being serious about serious things.”

Lance turned to Sammy. “Is there anything you need or want to talk about, anything that needs to be aired here in front of a professional mediator?”

“Uh, no. I think between you and Mom and Dr. B and my new principal at school, I can”—he began to talk like a Shakespearean actor—“dissipate
any negative
. In fact with what I've learned, I can quite easily become completely and absolutely perfect perfection.”

Lance and Paula jumped on him. “You, perfect? Fat chance. Give me a break.”

I interrupted. “Just in case any one of you do need
some support on
anything, anytime
, what are you going to do to get it?”

Sammy said, “Talk to someone
positive
. Someone who will help me build myself up instead of let me tear myself down.”

“What can happen when you share your problems with someone who is negative?”

“They feed the problems and help you do the same.”

“Even sometimes when they are sympathizing with you, are they actually exaggerating that
one issue
until it seems to take over every other issue in your life?”

“Yeah.”

“Can it sometimes be so subtle that you aren't even aware of it?”

“Ummm, I guess it could be.”

“Should everyone have
locked away
in their mental computer, where it can't be easily wiped out, who they would talk to, where they would go if things got tight,
before
an emergency has a chance to arise?”

“That makes sense to me,” said Lance.

“Think of a situation that you might already have faced, or one that you might yet face.”

“Well, if anything like the Mo thing happened again,” Sammy said.

Lance said, “Or the Sammy thing.”

“What other potentially explosive situations might come into your life?”

“I dunno…maybe Blunt or one of the other runners…” said Sammy.

“With the knowledge you have
now
would you react differently than you would have reacted before?”

“Definitely.”

“Why don't you take turns naming people or places you could turn to if you needed mental or moral support?”

“I could always call Mom or Dad.”

“You.”

“Sammy.”

“Lance.”

“Paula.”

“Dr. Davidson.”

“I could look in the yellow pages under Mental Health.”

“Call the operator and ask for a crisis line number.”

“Uncle Gordo.”

“I could call Mo or Tommy or Marv.”

Paula and Lance both named relatives, friends, and church people they trusted.

I interrupted. “We don't want to take up all the girls' time. It's just as important that everybody, young and old alike, has someone to call for help when they need help so desperately that their own minds aren't working clearly. If you've got something stored in your brain so that it
automatically
, by reflex action, kicks in when it's needed, you're pretty much taken care of. Sammy, do you feel you've got your support standbys lined up just as a reliable insurance policy?”

“Yep.”

“Lance?”

“Yep.”

“Paula?”

“Yep.”

“Then you don't have much need for me anymore, do you?”

Lance: “Yes, we do. We need to go over that
TOXICITY OF NEGATIVITY idea you mentioned, with us and the girls. Isn't it time to call them in?”

I nodded. “If you think so.”

Sammy hurried to the door.

Dorie scrambled over me to sit by her dad and Sammy. They were like three tail-wagging puppies. Dana pulled her chair as close as possible to Paula's.

“Is there anything you'd like to talk about, Dana, questions you'd like to ask, or things you'd like to say?”

“Ahhhh…no.”

“Do you feel comfortable with your dad back in the picture?”

She hung her head. “Not completely, but…” She looked up and over at Lance. “I want to. I really want to, it's just…” She shrugged.

“That's all right, Dana. It's perfectly normal and acceptable for some people to take a little, or even a lot, longer to put broken pieces back together again.”

“It's
normal?
Whew, I've been worrying about that since forever.”

Lance's love for her was so powerful, it had an almost-physical form. “Next weekend when I come, maybe you and I can have a couple of hours together, just the two of us, so I can let you know how eternally priceless you are, and always have been, to me.”

She smiled self-consciously. “I'd like that.”

“Anything else?” I asked.

“I guess not.”

“What about you, Dorie?”

“I'm happy as Furball when she's purring her loudest.”

“I'm happy as when Dread Red Fred is sleeping in my bed, with his head on my pillow, drooling on me,” said Sammy.

“Uooooo…You're sick,” Dorie responded.

Lance ignored them. “Don't you think it would be a good idea to talk to the girls about having some standby resources in case they need to talk or think something out?”

“Absolutely! Would you like to consider family communication skills for a few minutes? They might help.”

Positive grunts, yesses, and yeahs.

“Actually, the greater part of communication has to do with
listening
, and we've talked about that some. Sammy, Dana, Dorie, Paula, Lance, have any of you ever made an
appointment
with each other so you could have some uninterrupted time to talk?”

They all shook their heads and looked puzzled.

“Lance, it would be especially good for you to do this with Dana and perhaps even with Paula, for
real
communication is a highly structured technique, yet at the same time as simple as dirt, like most important things are!”

 

L
ANCE
: “I agree with that, although I'd never thought about it before.”

P
AULA
: “I'm finding that many of the things I've just taken for granted should
not
just be taken for granted.”

D
ORIE
: “Like what?”

P
AULA
: “Like…well, like…just plain talking from the heart! It can make us see things in a completely different way. It can be an important
enlightening
process.”

S
AMMY
: (almost as though he were thinking out loud) “Talking from the heart can make you see things as they really are and always have been—
instead of how you wanted them to be or doctored them up to be.”

D
R.
B: “Too often we think people can, or should be able to, read our minds.”

P
AULA
: “For this family I submit a proposition that from this time on, we all do more ‘talking from the heart' to each other.”

S
AMMY
: (Raising his hand) “I'll vote for that.” The others followed his example.

D
ORIE
: “And we could use our light therapy room for our heart talking and Listening Room, too, couldn't we?”

D
ANA
: “But we've only got one beanbag chair in there.”

L
ANCE
: “Anyone got anything against buying another beanbag chair on the way home?”

D
ANA
: “It's just the laundry room. It's not very big or fancy.”

D
R.
B: “Do important things have to be big and fancy? Can't they sometimes be small and homey and humble?”

D
ANA
: “I suppose, yeah, maybe humble's the most important thing. That's sure what that room is.”

D
R.
B: “How do you kids feel about, on occasion, when needed, having some special, private time with the person of your choice? Maybe you could even put a
DO NOT DISTURB
card on the door.”

L
ANCE
: “I can bring you a new one every week.”

D
R.
B: “It's imperative, on occasion, to pick a time when you can talk without interruption—no phone calls, no knocking on the door, and no jealousy. Solemnly schedule with each other one-half hour
or whatever time you think you'll need and treat that commitment seriously.
“There are only three rules in learning skillful communication. Number one is mirroring. Do you know what that means?”

D
ORIE
: “No.”

 

“It means reflecting something
exactly
the way it was said to you.”

“I don't get it.”

“I saw a mother duck and six little ducklings following her in a straight line across the road. Repeat that as perfectly as you can.”

“You saw a duck and her babies crossing a busy road.”

“Let's try it again. I saw a mother duck and her six little ducklings following her in a straight line across the road.”

“Oh, you mean I should say
exactly
what you said
exactly
like you said it, like a mirror shows exactly. That's not easy.”

“No, it's not easy, but it is worth the effort, at school and at work as well as at home, if you really want to communicate. Do you know that one study showed that over eighty percent of the time people didn't absolutely understand what others were trying to say to them? When they tried to mirror back there was a lot of, ‘I thought you said,' ‘Didn't you mean,' ‘It sounded like…' et cetera. Have you ever had that happen in your family?”

They all answered affirmatively regarding: school-work, time, household or yard jobs, grocery shopping, et cetera.

“Do you understand now that you can't know
what someone else is thinking or feeling unless you can completely mirror, or tune in,
to them?
What did Dorie miss when she repeated what I'd said?”

“That there were six little ducks.”

“That they were walking in a straight line behind the mom.”

“Dorie said they were crossing a busy road. You didn't say that.”

“What if someone is trying to say, ‘I'm hurting' or ‘I'm lonely' or ‘I'm sad,' and they can't get the exact words out?”

Sammy offered quietly, “I think if you were really listening,
really
communicating, you'd get that message nonverbally from their tone of voice or something.”

“Wonderful! To really communicate, is it important to hear with a
listening heart
as well as
listening ears?
”

They all agreed.

“Should the listener feel free to say, ‘Did I get that right' or ‘Did I hear you say,' or ‘Did you mean,' thereby allowing the speaker to say yes or no or add other feelings and/or thoughts?”

Dana said, “I'd think they would have to, sometimes.”

“Do you do it?”

“I don't think so, but maybe I do. I don't know, but I'm going to try harder to.”

“Good for you, Princess. I'm going to try harder to improve my old listening heart, too,” said Lance.

Dana looked up at him with adoration and said shyly, “You used to call me Princess Happy Heart when I was little.”

The smile he returned to her was tender and bonding.

I said, “Now to
acknowledging
, the second part
of skillful communication. It doesn't mean that the hearer has to agree, it simply means they should
acknowledge
that they
understand how the person feels
, that
their
message has gotten through. This is
not the time
for lecturing or becoming reactive or defensive! Sammy, what did you
hear me say
about acknowledgment?”

“That…I should let the person know that I'm
trying
to see things from his point of view. That the person has a right…” he shrugged.

Dana finished for him. “That the person has a right to be different. That his little spot on earth is as important as mine even if I don't absolutely agree with…” She looked at Sammy, made a silly face, and shrugged.

I said, “You guys are so bright you'll have no trouble with the third part of skillful communication. Can you guess what it is?”

No answers.

“It's empathy. That means trying to see things from the speaker's thinking and feeling and acting level. Trying to
feel
what the speaker is
feeling
, then asking if you're getting the picture.
Sincerely
conveying, ‘I imagine you feel scared…or lonely…or misunderstood…or angry…or frustrated,' or whatever. Caring alone can make the speaker feel better and draw two people closer. One of my favorite truisms is ‘PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID, BUT THEY
WILL REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL!
' It's the first rule for success and friendship.”

“True! True!” agreed Sammy. “But back to being empathetic. It can't solve conflicts can it?”

“No, but in most situations, conflict is not the problem. It's how people deal with
a particular con
flict
that gives it either a happy or an unhappy ending. And we shouldn't have to
always
be right, any more than we should have to
always
be the winner.
IF
you won every single conflict or
IF
you were right about every single thing, you would be the loneliest person in the world, for you would be the
only
person in that bracket, right?”

Enthusiastic, unanimous agreement.

The Gordon family practiced the family communication skills until everyone felt comfortable with mirroring, acknowledging, and empathizing.