Almost Mine (12 page)

Fizzer’s was buzzing, and the music was loud, but that wasn’t my problem; it was the sticky, sweaty dancers that pushed against my body that made this club the most undesirable place to be tonight. The drinks were delicious and fizzy,
of course
, so that would get me through the next few hours while Lucy did the old bump and grind with Tom on the dance floor.

Lucy had met him a week or so earlier, barely a day after we had landed, at a surf shop while Lucy and I were trying on bikinis; apparently my one-piece was very outdated and Lucy had joked that I may as well have been wearing a burkqa. Since that chance meeting, the lovebirds had been positively inseparable, and I realised how tedious and tiresome being the third wheel was. At least I didn’t have the inconvenience of being in love with Tom like Lucy was with Nick so I could only marginally relate to her.

But Tom was, in fact, a soldier, so Lucy couldn’t very well say no when he asked her out to dinner, or to the beach so that he could teach her to surf, or to breakfast at sunrise or to dance here tonight. So, it was the universe that placed him in front of her; who was she to deny it?

I didn’t tag along at every outing; I didn’t, in all honesty, have any inclination to go on any of their dates with them, but Lucy had felt guilty leaving me alone on our holiday. So, the third wheel was unfortunately unavoidable. Coming out with them tonight was to prove that I wasn’t a boring stick-in–the-mud.

I sat alone, well, not entirely alone. There were twenty other people around the packed bar as I sipped my Midori splice, sliding appreciatively into intoxication. I listened to twenty year olds whine about whose boyfriend was dancing with which skank. I listened to people in their thirties whine about the outrageous price of their cocktails and I watched forty year olds skulking in the darkened corners, looking completely out of place as they’d belatedly realised that they were.

After being hit-on with lines such as “I’m not drunk, but standing next to you I’m totally intoxicated” and “you owe me a drink”, to which I stared at the young perve-worthy man and wondered whether he was talking to me. He had shrugged and held out his empty hands and said, “Seeing how stunning you are made me drop mine.” The cheesiest was the
one that likened me to the sun but that he still could not look away. Damn Lucy for talking me into wearing yellow. But the cheesier they got the more I thought of Nick; none were as cheesy as him — or as heart-stopping — and as the night ticked on so did the unexpected craving to have my husband at my side.

I scanned the dance floor for Lucy as I scooted from the most sought-after piece of real estate in a busy night club, and my seat was immediately snapped up by the next eager patron.

Lucy was nowhere to be seen. I couldn’t even pick out her ruby red hair in the crowd. I moved around the dance floor to get a better view, but it made no difference.

Still no Lucy.

I was hot and very uncomfortable as the music seemed to get louder and louder and the crowed began closing in around me, but slowly I headed to the door, which was only a few steps to my left. I headed out into the refreshing night. My lungs celebrated with a clean burst of fresh air and my body relished the gentle cooling breeze.

I walked down the few steps that led away from the club, and a short distance down the street.

‘Cate? Is that you?’ I turned toward the familiar voice. ‘It is you,’ he said as a smile spread across his tanned face. It took a second to recognise him. His long hair was trimmed short, his skin wasn’t pale anymore and he wore a light white shirt instead of a heavy leather jacket. And he looked…healthy. I hadn’t realised until I released it that I was holding my breath.

‘Roy.’

The heat drained instantly from my body, almost taking my ability to stand with it. He was standing on the steps about to enter the club, but he waved his friends on and came to stand with me on the street instead.

‘What are you doing all the way up here?’ he asked with the same grin. He peered down at my left hand and I watched his expression falter slightly. ‘Is Nick with you?’ he added with a little less enthusiasm.

‘No, just me and Lucy, but she’s lost in there somewhere.’

‘Oh, well you can come and hang out with me if you want.’ Roy smiled again, this time with some sort of an opportunistic glimmer.

‘I don’t think so.’

‘Come on, Nick wouldn’t mind.’

‘Yes, he would.’ I stepped away from him and he seemed hurt by the rejection. Oh well, so was I during those five wasted years.

‘Do you want to take a walk instead then?’ he suggested as he closed the previously platonic space between us.

‘Ah, no thanks. The hotel seems like a safer option.’ I turned and walked away from him.

‘Well the safer option did always work out best for you didn’t it?’ he mumbled, but I heard him.

‘What the hell does that mean?’

‘I mean that Nick was the safer option, and the baby was only a way to snare security for yourself; that was weak, Cate.’

It took countless deep breaths of sea air to stop me from ripping his fucking throat out, but, amazing myself, I managed restraint.

‘Yes, that’s me, Roy. I’m the weak one.’

I spotted Lucy and Tom on the steps behind Roy and I wondered if they’d overheard the conversation. A look of something indecipherable sparked in Lucy’s eyes as they came down to meet us.

‘Well, if it isn’t Roy Ellis. Fancy that,’ she greeted him with a kiss on his cheek. ‘We haven’t seen you for…’ she eyed me with a bright smile, ‘Cate, you’d know more than I would.’

What the hell was she playing at? ‘Not long enough.’

‘Snagged yourself a man of your own I see.’ Roy held out his hand to Tom. ‘Good to see you’ve moved on.’

Lucy’s cheeks pinkened. ‘Moved on? I don’t know what you mean.’

‘Oh,’ he tapped the side of his nose with an index finger and with a conspiratorial tone he whispered that her secret was safe with him.

‘Does he mean Nick?’ I asked Lucy because tequila had gifted me confidence.

Her mouth gaped like a searching fish so Roy jumped to her rescue. ‘No, no. Some other poor sap that Lucy was trying to get her hooks into.’

‘Of course.’

I was growing both impatient and irritated at the direction of this conversation. Did they both think that I was completely unaware of what was going on, of what had been going on for as long as I could remember? As much as they thought they did, neither of them knew me. The only person that did was thousands of kilometres away missing me as much as I did him.

‘Well as nostalgic as this is, I’m bored as hell and my feet are killing me. I’m going back to the hotel.’

‘But we’re just about to reminisce, babe.’

‘Well, the two of you have fun catching up on the old times. I have better things to do than live in the past.’

Yes, as I walked away, I almost choked on the lie that had just sprung from my mouth.

The following day the sand was once again beckoning me as I gazed out of the mammoth glass window, so, despite the fact that Roy was lurking around Bribie Island somewhere, I opted to brave it. My feet deserved indulgence, and who was I to literally stand in their way?

And it didn’t disappoint.

The instant the water trickled over my toes, my eyes rolled back in my head with pleasure and closed so as to permanently etch the blissful memory in my mind. Once my brain was satiated with nothing but Bribie Island, I reached down with a jar in my hand and I took a small sample of heaven to take home to Nick.

I strolled further along the sand, completely swept away by a daydream as I gazed out to sea. I was surprised that my thoughts were only filled with Nick, first, for once, ahead of menstrual cycles. I allowed my thoughts to drift as I remembered him at the foot of our garden when he’d kissed me in the rain…
Shit!
Suddenly my face hit the sand as I tripped on an ill-placed body board.

‘
Shit!
’ I said aloud as I pulled myself up, brushing myself down. I could feel gritted sand between my teeth.

‘Your hotel room really would have been safer,’ Roy laughed as he reached down for his board. I shook my head with disdain and promptly turned back down the beach. ‘Wait, it was a joke!’ he called after me. ‘Cate!’ I continued to walk away, but I felt him at my side, and then I felt his hand on mine and I snatched it away as if he’d scorched me with his touch. ‘I’m sorry, it really was a joke,’ he reiterated with a small degree of sincerity. He did still have an amused mouth though.

‘What do you want, Roy?’ I said unforgivingly. He stepped back a little, straightening himself at the look of contempt within my eyes.

‘I didn’t know about the baby, honestly, I didn’t, and I’m sorry for being such an arse last night.’

‘Lucy told you about the miscarriage?’
Of course she did.
‘It doesn’t matter, Roy. I didn’t tell you about it because it had nothing to do with you,’ I said, deadpan, keeping my turmoil of emotions hidden behind indifference.

‘I guess not. And you and Nick, everything going well?’

‘Lucy didn’t update you on that?’

‘Nope.’

‘Do you really care?’

‘I’m hurt,’ his hands spanned his toned, bare chest at the apparent low blow. ‘I still think about you, you know?’

‘You really shouldn’t. I don’t think about you.’

‘Liar,’ he grinned again. ‘You’ve gotten bitter over the past few years. How’s that working out for you?’

‘You really shouldn’t apologise for being an arse and then continue to be one.’ I dismissed his attempted rebuttal by turning my back on him and making my way back along the beach, but his hand on mine stopped me. The look in his eyes as I whipped my head around forced my words to the back of my throat. Was he about to cry? I wasn’t sure, but they were wetter than a minute ago; granted, it could have been because of the salty breeze. But they’d weakened, as had his arrogant shoulders and suddenly I was seventeen again, with Roy as he began working his way back in.

‘Please sit,’ he gestured to the soft sand, and slowly I extricated my hand from his grasp, ‘just for a minute.’

Without a word I did.

‘Seeing you last night, so unexpectedly, gave me such a shock that I had no idea how to respond to you. So you know that being an arse was not my intention, it’s just how I am when I don’t know what else to say. I don’t always know the right words, you know that,’ he chuckled softly. I didn’t, so he continued. ‘It broke my heart when you married Nick, and I know that you probably don’t believe me, but it really did. I was not always forthcoming with my feelings, and to tell you the truth, I don’t think I always understood exactly what they were. I guess that’s why Nick has you and I don’t. It’s true that I still think of you often and I imagine what our lives would be like now if I took you with me that night instead of being a dickhead. You know that I never appreciated what I had, but, over the years, I have learned to. It helps when I remember the people that I have lost.’ He reached for my hand, and when I didn’t pull away, he took hold of it. ‘And then there you were, standing on a Bribie Island street holidaying just like I was. You looked more beautiful than I can remember and I was back there with you again, being young and in love, and I wished that I had been grown up enough for you back then. The ring on your finger snapped me back to
reality. I miss us Cate, believe me when I say that.’ Roy took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I smiled at his nerves.

‘How long have you been rehearsing that speech?’ I softened.

‘I didn’t…ah…would you believe since your…wedding day?’

‘Really?’ I laughed. ‘I’d believe that you’d seen it on a movie that one of your girlfriends forced you to watch.’

He shrugged. Before I realised it, both of my hands were in his and that convincing look of lust, sorrow and regret was in his eyes again.

‘I won’t apologise for being honest, Cate. But I will apologise for being a fucking idiot back then. I love you.’ He leaned in close.

‘Roy, stop,’ I whispered just before he reached my lips.

‘Do you love him?’ he murmured.

‘Stop,’ I said, but made no effort to distance myself. I remembered this feeling of longing, of wanting, and it didn’t occur to me not to follow through with what I remembered to be the most breath taking kisser of my life.

‘He’s a workaholic Mummy’s boy who doesn’t deserve you. He will never love you the way I do,’ he murmured before pressing his lips to mine.

Had he not said that last part, he may have persuaded me to allow him to open my mouth with his as he seemed intent on doing. ‘
He will never love you the way I do…’
Nick’s face smiled indulgently down at me in vivid remembrance of that moment by the letterbox, of when he danced with me on our wedding day, of every sweet kiss...He would accept anything I had to give him — or not give him — without hesitation, no matter how minute it may be in comparison to what he offered in return. Unlike Roy, who was never satisfied with anything that I had to openly offer.

However, despite the fact that I knew that he could never win his game of seduction, I let him kiss me. It was mostly out of curiosity, but a small part out of lust for a life that never was. As Roy kissed me my insides warmed and my heart filled with love — almost burst with love — in remembrance of a kiss that I never thought that I would miss. And though it was Roy’s mouth against mine, it was Nick here with me. I missed him more than I ever thought I was capable of. My brain celebrated with the fact that even though Roy was trying his hardest, attempting to be the best there is at this, he was failing dismally at making me swoon.