Almost Perfect (26 page)

“You know what I mean.” I’d been an ignorant sap, thinking that wishing and hoping could make Sage into a real girl. She was physically a boy, and it was time we stopped pretending.

“No, Logan, I don’t. You can’t just sleep with me, then bail on me because you think you’ll get a little embarrassed.”

“I’d be a lot more than a little embarrassed!” But I’d brought this on myself, hadn’t I? I was aware of the risks. I knew this could happen.

“And you think I wouldn’t be? You think I wanted anyone to know about this? Your sister wanted to be my friend, and now she thinks I’m not honest with you.” Sage’s voice lowered. “Laura’s a nice girl. And if you’re happy, then she’ll be happy. I promise that if you call her and tell her … no, you don’t even have to tell her. Just ask her not to bring it up again. She’ll get the message. She’ll never mention it.”

I stomped on the unkempt grass. Sage was right. Laura was just worried that I was being lied to. If she knew the truth, then she’d be satisfied. My sister was one of the most
accepting people in the world. As long as I was happy, she’d treat Sage like a girl.

But I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t admit to Laura that the sex of my girlfriend wasn’t important. I couldn’t live with the image of Laura alone in her dorm, thinking,
So my big macho brother really likes guys, huh? I never would have guessed
.

“I can’t do that.” It wasn’t a refusal, but an admission of weakness.

The wind began to pick up. In the dim light, I could see Sage’s hair whip around her face.

“So it’s over?”

How I wished I had Tim’s eloquence right then. I wanted to fall to the ground, to explain to Sage how I wished to God I could be her white knight, her prince. How I longed for the courage, the self-confidence, the backbone to tell Laura that I loved Sage and she never kept any secrets from me. But I couldn’t do that, didn’t she understand? I was only eighteen! She’d awoken feelings in me that I’d never thought I could experience, not in a million years, and now she expected me to tell the world. I needed beautiful, silvery words to show Sage that I
just wasn’t strong enough
to do what she was asking. I wasn’t brave enough. Wasn’t man enough.

But that was all a bunch of words. What Sage needed right now was action. She’d trusted me with her heart and given me her body. And I was running away.

“It’s over?” Sage repeated, yelling over the rising wind. “You sleep with me, then dump me the next day?”

I should have tried to make peace. Instead, I was
deliberately hurtful, attempting to dull my pain by foisting it onto her. “Hey, I’m not the one who pulled my dick out at Mizzou!”

“Yes, you did
. I was there.”

I hung my head, stung. Above us, clouds covered the stars.

“Logan, I know this isn’t what you want. I know you think Laura won’t understand, but she
will.”
The begging in Sage’s voice was distinct. “It hurts me that I can’t be a real woman for you, but I’m trying. That’s what you do when you care about someone. Can’t you do it for me? Can’t you sacrifice something for me?”

Sage attempted to touch my arm. I pulled away. If I allowed her to touch me, I wasn’t sure I could stand up to her. In the distance, heat lightning silently flashed.

“So that’s the way it is, Logan? I guess it’s all a pervert like me deserves.” She was being sarcastic. Even after everything, I didn’t think she was a pervert. “But if we break up tonight, you’ll regret it. You’ll want me back, and you know what? You won’t be able to have me. Because I’ll be gone. You’ll want me back, and then it’ll be too late. And you’ll just have to sit there and think about what a wonderful thing we had and how you threw it away!”

I turned and leaned on the fence, my back to Sage. After a couple of minutes, I heard her footsteps recede in the distance. As the first drops of warm spring rain began to fall, I stood there in the dark telling myself I’d done the right thing.

I did the right thing
.

And maybe, a thousand miles away, my father was looking at a faded picture of a couple of toddlers, telling himself the same thing. And maybe in a month, or a year, or ten years, I’d open a tattered yearbook and say it again.

I did the right thing
.

And maybe by then I’d believe it.

T
HEY SAY
the waiting is the worst part. The dentist, surgery, telling a family member that your girlfriend is really a man … Once you’re through with it, you wonder what you’d been so afraid of.

That wasn’t my case. As I walked home in the drizzling rain, I wondered how I was going to straighten things out with Laura. We’d have to talk about this sooner or later. Or did we?

Laura was staying on campus for the summer. If I avoided talking to her until September and then showed up at Mizzou with no mention of Sage, she’d get the message. Realize that Sage and I had broken up. Believe that Sage was a liar and a drag queen who’d deliberately misled me. Turn Sage into the villain, blame everything on her. I’d look like the victim.

What choice did I have? I couldn’t pretend like Laura’s
information didn’t bother me.
She’s a guy? That explains the power tools in her makeup case
. My sister would never buy it.

I remembered what Sage had said. How I should just tell the truth. Let Laura know that I already knew. Not that I was happy about it, but that I was … accepting?

No way. My feelings for Sage were as jumbled and confused as the wiring job on Jack’s car stereo. One moment, I saw myself standing next to her after college graduation, saw us kissing in our caps and gowns. The next, I felt confused, wondering how I could experience such strong emotions for someone with testicles. How could I explain to my sister, the person I loved most in the world, what I didn’t even understand?

What if Laura thought I
liked
the fact that Sage was born a boy? What if she thought I was dating her because of her penis? My sister would think I was gay. She’d probably suspect that Sage was just a stepping stone and that the next person I dated would be a big strapping football player named Bruce. Laura would be accepting, all right. Way too accepting.

I’d just have to forget about Sage. It wouldn’t have worked out anyway. Something would have gone wrong eventually. It would be insane for me to bike over to her house and beg her forgiveness. To call Laura and try to explain things. To forget about everyone else’s opinion for once and only worry about my own feelings.

Sage would survive. I’d survive. We were better off apart. Painful and quick, just like ripping off a Band-Aid. Well, more like gouging a piece of shrapnel out of my stomach,
pouring a bottle of gin into the wound, lighting it on fire, and sewing my guts up with a dirty bootlace. But the concept was the same.

Mom was cooking a hamburger casserole when I got back to the trailer.

“Where in the world were you?” she asked, more concerned than angry. “I saw your bag on the couch, but you must have gone out again before I got home.”

“Went for a walk.” I really did not feel like talking or sitting down to dinner.

“In the rain? You’re soaked. Leave a note next time, Logan. So how’s Laura doing?”

I wiped my feet and took off my jacket. “Fine.”
She had sex with some guy last night
.

“And did you have fun?” Mom prodded.

“Yeah.”
I had sex with a guy last night
.

“And did Sage enjoy herself?” The question was casual, but this was the one she really wanted answered. She was groping for hints about what was going on between us.

The funny thing was, before I’d talked to Laura, I would have happily admitted she was my girlfriend. I wouldn’t have told Mom what had happened in the dorm, but I might have “accidentally” admitted Sage was more than a friend. Bragged a little, let my mom know I was finally over Brenda.

Thank God Laura had called before I said that. Now I didn’t have to explain why Sage was about to disappear forever.

“Sage had fun. I didn’t see her too much. Today she had to talk to her advisor and hung out with people she knew in town.”

Mom sighed. She’d been hoping for more information. Complaining of a stomachache, I exited to my room, lay down on my bed, and stared at the ceiling until dawn.

The next morning, I went to school determined to show the world that I didn’t have any feelings for Sage (again). I had to prove to all my friends that we were not romantically involved (for the second time).

Tim and Jack obviously knew that Sage and I were more than casual friends. The way we always hung out, and the couple of months of me refusing to talk to her … People only act like that when there’s something going on.

Then again, maybe I was giving them too much credit. The last time Jack put two and two together was in first-grade math, while Tim … Tim had other things on his mind.

He nearly tackled me when I was parking my bike that morning. Even before he said a word, I knew what was up. His grin was so broad he could have swallowed an entire Big Mac in one bite (which I knew he could do from firsthand experience). He was literally jiggling with excitement, his belly and breasts rippling like the ocean in a windstorm.

“Logan, guess what?” I hadn’t seen him this worked up since they’d built the Pizza Hut in Moberly. This could only mean one thing.

“You and Dawn,” I answered with a wink.

Tim nodded forcefully. “We were at her house Saturday. You were right, Logan. Things just sort of fell into place.”

“You dog.” I was happy for him. I had begun to worry that he’d never meet anyone.

“I had to tell someone.” He paused and looked over his shoulder as if Dawn might be listening in. “So how was Mizzou?”

“Great!” I said a little too emphatically. “I met this chick at a frat party. We went back to her place …” I left it hanging.

“You dog!” laughed Tim, slapping my palm. “Who was she?”

“Girl named Erin.” I answered with the first name that came to mind. “Damn, she was amazing. I hope Laura’s roommate doesn’t find out what we did in her bed.”

“I thought you went back to her place.”

I’d been thinking of Sage, remembering our night together. God, had it only been a couple of days before? “I meant Laura’s room.”

The warning bell rang, and we entered the building.

All day long I dreaded running into Sage. At the same time, I deliberately tried to find her. Now that I had calmed down a little, I wanted to talk to her. Tell her about my fears, about why I couldn’t explain things to my sister and how I just wasn’t brave enough to have a relationship with her, no matter how much I wanted that.

Sage probably wouldn’t even talk to me. But maybe at
college, after we both had a few months to regroup … I’d run into her somewhere. We’d awkwardly catch up on what we’d been doing. Maybe agree to have coffee sometime (mental note: start drinking coffee). Start getting together. We’d never date again, but was being friends so out of the question? Lots of people stayed close to their exes. Why couldn’t that happen for us?

Because the other option was never seeing Sage again. Never hearing her laugh. Not being able to talk about classes or my family or the lack of heat in the dorms. I wouldn’t be the one to comfort her when she got scared. She’d be alone. So would I. She was the best friend I’d ever had, the girl who I cared for on a much deeper level than what I’d felt for Brenda, and I was risking kicking her out of my life forever. Just to protect myself.

Sage and I didn’t cross paths all day, and I began to wonder if she’d stayed home. I didn’t see her until after school as I was talking to Jack in the commons.

“The way I see it,” said Jack, halfheartedly pummeling the soda machine, “if I bring my computer and you get a minifridge, our dorm will be pretty set, at least to start off. We might start saving for a DVD player later.”

Jack could not contain his excitement about our freshman year. Saturday, I would have been just as eager. Of course, that was when Sage was going to be part of my college experience. Now she’d be there, but I’d never talk to her. Never hang out with her. Never …

“Sage!” shouted Jack suddenly. “Hey, Sage!”

There she was, strolling through the commons. She was wearing the same black-and-white dress I’d seen her in on
her first day at school. Apparently, I’d misjudged; she wasn’t at home weeping over my picture. Of course, she looked like she was ready to punch out the first person who talked to her.

“Sage!” hollered Jack, oblivious to her furious expression. “Gimme a buck!”

She iced by, not looking at either of us. I stared at her as she stormed out the front door, trying not to think of the now familiar freckles just under the back of her dress.

I almost followed her. Honest to God, I did. I’d grab her by the shoulder, spin her around, and apologize. But just as I was getting into my sprinter’s crouch, I froze. Jack was still standing there. And he’d wonder what I was apologizing about. And if he ever found out …

She was gone now. Out in the parking lot, out of my sight, out of my life. I was deluding myself thinking she’d ever want to be friends again. If I tried to talk to her on campus, she’d probably call security.

“What did I do now?” whined Jack. He was used to apologizing for offenses he didn’t realize he’d committed, and he thought Sage’s brush-off had been directed at him.

I shook my head. “It’s not you, it’s me. She’s all bent out of shape for some reason.” I rolled my eyes, trying to project a
who the hell knows what chicks are thinking?
expression.

Jack didn’t smile. “I think I know why.”

My guts rattled. “Why?”

Jack sat on a bench, then immediately began tapping his feet. I sat down next to him. “Tim told me you slept with some chick at Mizzou.” There was no admiration in his voice.

“So?”

“So, that’s kind of sticking it to Sage, isn’t it? I know you don’t like her, but she’s all messed up over you. I can’t say I blame you for chasing some tail, but that had to have been hard for her.”

Yes, hard for her. Almost as bad as if I’d slept with her, then told her the next night that I was embarrassed by her. But what kind of a jerk would do that?