Alone (12 page)

That launched us into a conversation about the painting, how I came up with it, why it was there in the building. They all listened intently and told me the stories of how they stumbled upon the painting. There were stories among their people about the painting and they all had their own theories on how it got there. My favorite was one about how an angel came from heaven to put it there just for them. That definitely explained why it was still in the same condition I left it in. It was the first time I felt a true sense of pride when it came to people's responses to my art.

I was sad when it was time to leave. I loaded the empty plates and cups to be thrown away into the box and said goodbye. They were all going to find a place to huddle down for the night. Interacting with them made me with that there was something more that I could do for them. To not even be able to find a decent meal on Thanksgiving made me feel really sad for them. I wondered where they would sleep, which of course, made me worry about where Sara was spending her Thanksgiving night.

CHAPTER 9: PREP WORK

The weekend after my mother's visit was quiet and unproductive. I couldn't concentrate on my work. Every time I tried, I'd be thinking about the argument with my mom, or the fact that I hadn't seen Sara in what felt like too long. Monday morning I decided to go talk to Miss Morgan about taking the next few weeks off. I knew that the show and doing work for the gallery was going to be too much. I was getting very stressed out that I couldn't produce something I wanted in the show. So far the collection included some things that my friends chose, but there was nothing I was excited about.

“
Miss Morgan. I know that I should have asked you sooner than this, but I think I need some time to prepare for the art show.”

“
I gathered that much. You've got a lot on your plate right now. Do whatever you need to do to prepare. Don't think twice about it. Okay?”

“
Thanks. I am starting to get worried. It feels like I can't create anything worth showing. I think I may have taken on too much.”

“
Don't talk like that. You'll see Willow, this will be great. Besides, did Mr. Patterson say that they all had to be new pieces? You could always pull some stuff out of storage.”

“
Maybe that's a good idea,” I said.

“
Now go dear. I will see you the night of the show and not a day sooner. I want you to focus on this. Don't drive yourself crazy though. Just do what you do best,” she said encouragingly.

“
Thanks again. I will see you in a few weeks then.” I stood up and got ready to open the door when I felt Miss Morgan's arm around my shoulder. I turned to look at her and she embraced me in a warm, comforting hug.

“
Good luck, Willow. I have faith in you.”

I smiled, unable to speak, as I walked out of the gallery and onto Haskell Street. I was free now to completely focus my energy on the show. I wasn't going to try to produce too many pieces and have them not be up to my standards. Miss Morgan was right, I should pull some things out of storage. I decided to go back home and look through my portfolio to choose which pieces to pull out and display.

It was empty in my apartment. Of course I knew it would be, but sometimes the openness of it would catch me off guard. Sometimes just standing in my place made me feel so lonely. I hadn't seen Sara in a week and I couldn't be sure when I'd see her again. I was alone here and I didn't want to be. I grabbed my overflowing three-ring binder that held photos of what was in storage and I packed my bag with my camera. It had been I don't know how long since I had written to Serenity so I grabbed my journal as well.

When I got to the trees I lay beneath them and stared into the sky. It was absolutely frigid outside. There was frost on the ground even in mid morning. The trees were nearly bare, just a few leaves clinging on. I laid there thinking about how I missed Sara, but I couldn't bare that for long so I sat up getting back on track.

I reached for my portfolio, but decided that I wasn't ready to really look at the past just yet. So I grabbed my journal and wrote to Serenity.

My Dearest Serenity,

I know it's been awhile since I've written to you and that's totally unforgivable. I apologize. I won't even give you endless excuses citing just how busy I've been. It doesn't even matter.

I only have a few weeks left before the show and I'm freaking out at this point. I only have about 10 pieces done and a few photos. I don't know how I am going to pull this off.

I haven't seen Sara in like a week now. I don't know where she's been, not that it's any of my business. I'm worried about her though. She's my best friend you know. It's really strange in some ways to be that close to someone again. She's beautiful too. Truly beautiful from the inside out. Mrs. Schneider was right all along. I did just need a best friend. I don't need to complicate my life any further with love. That's a confusing enough concept as it was right? Although, I do love her. Not the kind of love that I thought I wanted...a completely different kind of love.

Sara is someone I feel like I can expose myself to and she would accept me. I've told her my secret you know. That first night she came to my apartment I told her what I do. I never thought anyone but you would know about that. Unless maybe, is Sara my Serenity? I think she just might be.

I think after all this time, I've actually found my Serenity! Yes, I think the next time I see her, I will give her this journal...if I see her. Damn, I've finally figured out that Sara is my Serenity and I don't know if I will ever see her again. She can't just leave though, she did promise to say goodbye if she left. I mean, I thought I meant more to her than that. How unfair it is that I may never see her again when this is the time I need her most. I can't think like that, I have to have faith that she won't leave without at least saying goodbye.

Anyway, I guess with this revelation, this will be my last letter to you. Over a year of writing to someone I wasn't sure I'd ever meet. I want to thank you. For being there for me when you didn't even know me. For pulling out of my darkness so many times. Thank you for letting me see the light when I didn't think it was possible. I love you my dearest Serenity. My dearest Sara, my best friend, I love you more than life itself.

You are and forever will be my Serenity,

Willow

I laid down again staring through the naked branches, hugging onto my journal. Crying a goodbye to the letters so I could become closer to the real thing, Sara. The ending was bittersweet. Something I knew would be inevitable, but I wasn't even sure I was ready to let go of this part of my life just yet. Surely the real thing was much better than putting pen to paper right? So why did it feel like I was letting go of someone instead of something?

I finally composed myself before sitting back up on the frozen ground. I put the journal back in my bag, forcing a smile that seemed appropriate. It was time to get to work with the real reason I was here. I pulled out my portfolio. It had been a long time since I've looked through it. I add to it every time a piece was put into storage, but I haven't looked through it in years. On the canvas cover of the binder, in gold paint, it read, Storage, Volume 1. Thank God I hadn't had a Volume 2 yet. I didn't think the storage unit was large enough to carry anymore.

Looking through the pages was a lot like looking through a scrapbook. Although there were no pictures of me, every picture was of me. As odd as that may sound, it was the truth. Each photo of a painting or sculpture categorized my life. I could remember what exactly I was going through when each was created. The painting of the gallery itself was created the day that Miss Morgan told me she wanted me to be a part of her gallery. It was one of my smaller pieces, and I thought it might be an interesting add-on to the show. Miss Morgan hadn't even seen this. It was something I did to show my excitement.

I chose three other paintings as well as two sculptures. One of the pieces was a clay sculpture of two hands reaching out. It was called
Empty Handed.
I was actually in high school when I did this and it was inspired by my so-called friends. When they stopped talking to me, and I acquired the box, I was trying to find someone to relate to, but I came up ‘Empty Handed.’ I had it in my bedroom for the longest time but eventually it just became a constant reminder that I would always be alone. Now that I didn't feel so alone anymore, and I was feeling unusually happy, I was ready to pull it out again.

So in total I had four acrylic paintings, three watercolors, two sculptures, six photographs, and two photo-shopped pictures. Technically I only needed three more pieces to meet Jace's quota of twenty pieces for the show. That was a reachable goal I thought, but hopefully I'd be able to produce more than that.

The next few days, I spent every second painting. Some were destined for the storage unit, but I had produced a few that were going to be in my show. I was in the process of creating a metal sculpture that was about two feet tall of a Weeping Willow. This was the most intricate sculpture that I had ever attempted and it was coming together quite well. This was definitely going to be in the show, but I was not selling it. I wanted to keep this piece.

Sara came over one afternoon dressed in a long khaki skirt and a fuchsia shirt. Her hair was in a ponytail and her hair was curled. She looked absolutely breathtaking. My best friend had evolved so much since I met her. Of course, I didn't know how she managed to change so quickly. I assumed she found someone to stay with. I had offered more than once for her to stay with me but she always turned me down saying she didn't want me to get too used to her being around the way she had been.

“
What's the occasion?” I asked as she sat on my couch.

“
Nothing really just felt like dressing up I guess.”

“
You look beautiful Sara.”

“
Thank you,” she said blushing.

“
I haven't seen you in a while. It's been like two weeks now. What have you been up to?”

“
You know, the usual.”

I couldn't help but laugh. “Sara, I don't even know what 'the usual' is for you.”

“
I know. Obviously it's nothing bad though right? I mean I'm looking a lot better than that day we met.”

“
True. Won't you tell me anything about what you do when you're not around me?”

“
I don't do anything exciting. What have you been up to since I last came by?”

“
Working on stuff for the show. It's less than a month away. I picked some pieces that are in storage, but I don't think I will need so many. I've been working like crazy. I actually have something I need to ask you.”

“
okay, what do you want to ask?”

“
Well, remember those paintings I did of you? Well, I was wondering if you would let me put those up for the show.”

“
Of course you can!” she said happily. “I would love that.”

“
Thank you. I wasn't so sure you'd let me. I mean, it's not even close to what you look like now.”

“
I know. A lot has changed for me since then.”

“
There's something else as well,” I said thinking about the journal. “I have something for you.”

“
Really?”

I went and got the journal from my bag and brought it back to the couch. I was suddenly feeling very emotional. This was the official goodbye that I was both dreading and looking forward to. “This is a collection of letters written to someone I called Serenity. I've been writing in it for over a year. I was writing it for the person who I truly loved. There's a lot of stuff in here, a lot of what we've talked about already, but some things that might make you understand me a little better. The last time I wrote in it, I realized that you are my Serenity,” I said with tears in my eyes.

“
I am sorry Willow, but I can't take this,” Sara replied sadly.

“
Why?”

“
Many different reasons. The most important reason being, this is your journal Willow. I'm assuming you started this during a time where you truly needed someone. This isn't who you are anymore. I think you've probably changed a lot since the first letter.”

“
I have, but I'd like you to see the transformation.”

“
I think you should keep it. It should be a reminder where you never want to be again. You should be able to look back on this anytime you want and see how much you've grown.”

“
okay,” I said sadly. I really wanted her to have the journal. She was such a huge part in my transformation. “You know, you came into my life when I thought I was never going to be close to anyone. You have helped me so much in the past couple of months. If I haven't said it before, you are truly my best friend, and I love you.”

Sara looked at me as a tear fell from her eye and said, “It's about time. I've always loved you Willow and I always will.”

Part of me wanted to hold Sara and never let her go, but we just sat there staring into each other's eyes, smiling. I was thinking about the different things that were in the journal that she had refused to take. There was a lot of negativity in that book. I hadn't expected to be a completely different person when it was time to give the book to my Serenity. It was always just going to be a further explanation of why I did certain things and how my mind worked. I suppose Sara was right not to take it, I was not the same person anymore and there really was no reason for someone else to take in all that negativity.