Alphas on the Prowl (14 page)

He blew out his breath, and she smelled coffee and something uniquely Ryan she remembered from college and bending heads together to study from the same book.

“Look,” he blurted. He held the door open wider. “You want to come in for a cup of coffee or something?” She stared, not giving him a thing.

“So we can talk?” He tilted his head the way she remembered he did when he was trying his best to charm to her.

“We have nothing to talk about.” Yet she stood there on his doorstep and didn’t flounce off as she’d intended because her damn feet wouldn’t cooperate.

He shrugged. Challenge glinted in his eyes. “Uh-huh. So why are you here if you don’t want to talk about it? Emerson security could’ve arranged to have my things delivered. You didn’t have to do it personally.”

She drew herself as upright as she could, balancing on the balls of her feet, her chin thrust forward. “Maybe I wanted the satisfaction of making you acknowledge my existence. Maybe that’s all I wanted. And you’ve done that.” Her voice shook and she strove to steady it. “You’re a terrible man, Ryan. What you did to me was despicable. I trusted you. And you took my trust and shredded it into confetti. I didn’t do anything wrong. There is no shame in being a wolf shifter, but you made me feel microscopic. Like I didn’t even exist. I hope you’re enjoying your miserable life here on top of Russian Hill with your BMW in the driveway and your cushy job at Emerson. You disgust me.”

He listened, his gaze fixed on her features as if memorizing every line and curve. Shame flooded his face. “I don’t own this house,” he said, and groaned. “I feel like a jerk admitting this, but it’s my grandmother’s. She lets me rent it for practically nothing. I keep trying to give her more, but she sends the money back to me. The BMW won’t be paid off for four more years, and the cushy job at Emerson has me chained behind a desk when I want to be in the field. Remember how I used to talk to you about fieldwork? Going out into the wilderness or out to sea and being surrounded by nature?” He waited for her to answer, but she continued to stare at him. He took another deep breath. “You’re right. It is a miserable life. And it’s what I deserve. I know I treated you like shit. I know it. I’ve lived with it for five years. Always nagging at me. No matter what good I do, at work or in my personal life, I feel like a failure because of the way I left things with you.”

He stared back at her, his face so ashen she thought he must be feeling faint. Or maybe nauseous. Like her. She wanted to puke. Her stomach churned, and she regretted stopping at Starbucks for that iced mocha to steady her nerves.

“Please come in for coffee.” The small, wretched smile he gave her looked like it hurt his mouth. “Talk to me. Give me something, Hay.”

Hay
. Her nickname on his lips produced a deep, visceral ache inside. As if somebody’s hand had taken hold of her insides and squeezed. Nobody had called her Hay in five years.

“I help people,” she heard herself say, in a voice that begged for understanding. Acknowledgment. “Remember how I majored in psychology? I wanted to help troubled people feel better about themselves. But nobody wants a wolf shifter psychologist. What a stupid idea. So now I work as a guard. As a wolf, I can help the way I’ve always wanted to. I think I’m a fraud too. Because I’m never good enough. Maybe that’s why I gave up psychology. I couldn’t help people feel better about themselves if I couldn’t do it for myself. But protecting people working security has made me feel like I matter.”

She pulled at the end of her ponytail anxiously. “You took that away from me, Ryan. Made me believe I was nothing. I’ve worked hard restoring my sense of self. I don’t know what you think we’d talk about over coffee. The weather? The latest sports scores? We can’t possibly have anything meaningful to say, can we?”

“God.” The word escaped him, and she heard the awful guilt soaked into his tone. Why did he have to look at her like that? Like she was the only one in the world who could absolve him. Because she couldn’t. She wouldn’t. All she had to do to strengthen her resolve was think back to that day in class when she’d stood in front of his desk for five horrible minutes and he never looked up.

She turned and took a step toward the walkway leading to the street.

“Please,” he whispered, freezing her in her tracks. “Please don’t let it end like this. I know I deserve it, but you’re miserable too. I can see how this has festered inside you all this time. Bubbling like toxic poison. Let me try to make it up to you somehow. At least clear the air between us so we’re not left feeling worse than we did before.”

“I couldn’t feel worse than I did before.” She studied his face, looking for a false note. Something to find fault with. Hate. All she found was sincerity, but forgiving him was so huge, she didn’t think it possible. Even if he was the most gorgeous man on earth and she wanted him to take her in his arms and never let her go.

She took an unsteady breath, knowing she ought to leave him hanging the way he’d left her. Make him suffer for what he’d done the way she’d always wanted him to.

“I’m not coming inside your house,” she said.

He bowed his head. She attempted to steel her heart against him but couldn’t help saying, “Is there a coffee shop or someplace near we can sit in a neutral space? I doubt we can clear the air, but I suppose we could give it a try as long as you do most of the talking.”

He looked up, hope flaring in his expressive eyes. He gave her a lopsided smile that stole her breath away. “Let me get my keys so I can lock up.”

She looked at his t-shirt again. The Sharks. What the hell kind of stupid name was that for a bunch of guys running around on dry land playing with a ball anyway? “Were you on your way out to a game or something? Or do you always wear a sports uniform around the house?”

He grinned at her again. “Soccer practice. No game this week. I can skip it. You’re more important.”

She had to turn her head away to hide the tears stinging her eyes. She’d never dared to dream he’d ever say she was more important than anything ever again. Stupid little throwaway comments. Ridiculous to take them seriously.

She nudged his roller bag with the toe of her sneaker. “Don’t forget this. Your wallet’s in the front pocket.”

He looked nonplussed, and her temper flared. “I didn’t steal anything. Count the damn money and make sure, if you’re that suspicious. And while you’re at it, go screw yourself.”

She rushed down the walk, intent on escaping in her car. What an idiot to agree to go anywhere, do anything with that jerk.

She heard him running down the path after her, and when he grabbed her arm, she yanked it free with such force, he stumbled.

She yelled, “I may not drive a BMW or live in my grandmother’s fancy house, but I don’t need to steal money from the people whose lives I save. I didn’t go through it to take anything, I wanted to find identification so I knew whose bag it was.”

Not entirely true. She’d known it was his by the scent. Lying made her face hot. She’d looked into the wallet to find out where he lived. She should have taken the bag to security. She’d broken all the rules by bringing him his things against company policy. She could be in trouble if he told anyone at Emerson what she’d done. She might even lose her job.

“Stop throwing my so-called prosperity in my face!” For the first time he looked angry and not contrite. She took a step backward and watched him hold himself back from closing the distance between them. Even angry, he respected her personal space. Why did that make her throat ache?

“You know I come from a wealthy family. You never held it against me back in college. Why now? Is it because you have to manufacture something to resent me for? You have to struggle to keep hating me?”

“You wish,” she spat as she stomped away. He followed, still allowing her room. She knew if she climbed into her car, he wouldn’t try to stop her. Yet all she wanted was for him to give her a reason to stay. Why couldn’t he see that?

“Hailey, don’t go. I never thought you’d taken my money. I was shocked I hadn’t even noticed the wallet was missing.”

“You didn’t like the idea I’d gone through your things. Don’t lie!” She stabbed a finger at his chest, but didn’t quite make contact.

“I don’t mind if you go through my stuff,” he said huskily. “Don’t you remember? Half the time you had my wallet in your purse so I wouldn’t lose it.”

She bit her lip. “You always left it places.” She looked at the sidewalk. Specks of quartz glittered in the sunshine. “I needed you to have it because I never had any money myself, and we were always buying coffee and snacks. I mooched. I know.”

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “We were friends.”

She swallowed, hating the taste of shame in the back of her throat. “I can pay my way today. I can even buy your coffee. I’m not a broke college student anymore.”

He stared at her as if he expected her to make a break for it and run shrieking down the street. When he spoke, his voice was gentle. “Okay. I’d love a cup of coffee.”

She wanted to scream at him not to patronize her, damn it, but the words stuck.

“Let’s walk. There’s a coffeehouse around the corner on the next block. You still like it black as death, Green?” He walked down the sidewalk, and she found herself keeping pace, falling into place beside him the way she used to back on campus. For an absurd moment she was a junior again, her whole life ahead of her. She’d used to think he’d be part of that life and they’d walk side by side into the future together. Stupid college kid. Always dreaming.

“You still poisoning yourself with a metric ton of sugar in every cup?” she asked.

He threw back his head and laughed, the sound floating on the ocean breeze off the bay. She smiled back, for one moment free and unguarded.

Hailey Green and Ryan Campbell united again.

***

He was walking side by side with Hailey. Ryan felt absurdly light-footed, as if he could dance all the way to the coffee shop and everyone on the street would fall in step – bonded together in some sort of real-life musical.

Of course, as he looked at Hailey’s face in profile as she strode along with him, he concluded that while the rest of the world might be dancing, she’d be the one standing and staring, a frown marring the soft skin between her eyes. Suspicion and doubt all but oozed from her pores. She’d given him one unguarded smile and then, as if appalled at herself, shut down, blanking all expression from her face.

He knew he’d have to grovel, and he needed to be prepared to do it. He wanted to do it. He’d treated her like crap five years ago, and worse, he’d apparently scarred her. Forgiving himself for that would hard work.

The barista at Rudi’s Java Hut raised a hand in greeting when he walked in. He frequented the shop every weekend, and she knew him by name. She did a double take when she noticed Hailey, then gave him a discreet thumbs-up. Ryan never brought women in for coffee. Usually he came alone or with a soccer friend.

“Hi, Ryan. The usual?” Pam called over the counter.

“Yeah,” said Ryan, watching Hailey’s face to see what she thought of the barista knowing his name. “And this is Hailey. She likes coffee black as tar and twice as thick.”

“Got it.” Pam smiled at them both and busied herself behind the counter.

“Maybe I wanted something sweet like an iced mocha,” Hailey remarked in such a bland voice Ryan froze. Shit. He had
not
just ordered for her. She hated that.

“Go change the order,” he said, wincing. Jesus, did that make him sound surly because he wouldn’t change it for her? But wasn’t that like ordering for her? God, he was an idiot around women. No wonder he never dated.

“Nah.” She shrugged and sank into one of Rudi’s high-backed arm chairs, avoiding the sofa so she didn’t have to sit next to him. He sat, wanting to kick the glass-topped table between them for making intimate conversation all but impossible. He’d have to frigging grovel at a volume loud enough for Pam to avidly listen in. Whatever. He probably deserved that.

Hailey sank into the cushions of the chair, crossing her arms over her chest. She regarded him through lowered lashes, veiling her expression. She was about as open as a triple-locked safe stuffed into an underground bunker. Great.

Ryan geared himself up to start the conversation. Would
I’m sorry I suck at being a human?
be a good opener? Or would she take that as insult because she was a wolf shifter? But they were human too. Whatever he said, he’d better say it fast because his brain and his courage liquefied beneath her withering stare.

He opened his mouth desperately, only to hear Pam give a cheerful shout announcing their orders were up.

“I’ll get them.” Ryan lunged to his feet.

“I’m paying, remember?” Half a second behind him, Hailey still managed to get to the counter first.

She took her muddy coffee back to her chair while he poured sugar into his cup, ears burning, excruciatingly aware she watched how much he used. Could he help it if he had to use a ton of sugar to make coffee palatable? She’d always laughed at him back in college as well – only then it had been friendly laughter. Today he wasn’t feeling the friendly vibes. Not by a longshot.

Still stirring his coffee, he forced himself back to the sofa feeling as though he might as well turn himself in to the police so he could be locked up for breaking every asshole law on the books.