Always Watching (33 page)

Yet.

“
Helen, if you can’t do
this, if you can’t…”

“
I want to,” whispered,
“but I wish I didn’t feel so scared and unsure.  You
know?”

“
Unsure about me,
us?”

“
You only asked me to
marry you last week.  And I haven’t even told anyone that you
asked or that I said yes, and now this.”  My hand covered his,
stilled it.

“
Are you worried that
people will think I only asked you because you’re pregnant? 
Helen, I didn’t even suspect anything until Maya and Crevan
suggested that it might be something other than the flu. 
Which was after I asked you to marry me.”

“
I don’t care what people
think of me,” I whispered, shed some more tears.

“
Do you care what I
think?”

“
Of course I do.” 
Why wasn’t he dancing for joy over the fact that I told him I
wanted to have our baby?  I anticipated that it would be the
conversation ender, that I’d be smothered beneath him on our bed by
now.

“
If you’re feeling scared
and uncertain because you’re not sure I’ll love you forever, or
that I somehow wouldn’t be here for you and the baby, all I ask is
that you give yourself more time before you make a decision,
Helen.  Whatever you decide, I’ll support you, and I’ll still
love you and hound you relentlessly until you set a wedding
date.”

My eyes snapped into focus.  Johnny
stared at my hand covering his, but had the aura of a man who
hadn’t stopped praying that tragedy wouldn’t strike at any
moment.  I sniffled, drew a quick peek from him.

“
Didn’t you hear what I
said?”  My hand curled around his, tightened its grip. 
“I’m having this baby, Johnny.  I don’t doubt that you love
me.  My fears have nothing to do with you.”

He pulled me into his arms
and hugged like a grizzly bear.  “Why then?  What could
you possibly fear?  Baby, I will always be here for
you. 
Always
.”

“
What if I’m a horrible
mother?  What if I have instincts like mine did?”  An
unuttered pronoun dropped from my lips.  “At least he’ll have
you to…”

Johnny’s lips whispered over my
temple.  “You’ll be a wonderful mother, Helen.”

“
And what about my gene
pool?”  Another crux of my uneasy dilemma appeared.

Johnny peered down at me, tilted my chin up
with one finger.  “Is that what you’ve been thinking? 
Helen –”

I should’ve told him the truth months
ago.  None of this would’ve happened.  First and
foremost, I’d be in prison, safely secured away from society where
I could no longer be a menace.  Love would’ve never developed,
hell, I wouldn’t even have realized that I do love Johnny. 
Things would’ve never progressed that far.

“
You are not your
parents.  It isn’t some scraped-from-the-gene-pool
defect.  I know you believe that people make
choices.”

As I had made mine last spring when I pulled
the trigger instead of letting the justice system deal with my
ex-husband. 

“
And this is certainly not
about what happened with Rick.”

My heart seized in my chest.

“
You did not make him kill
himself, Helen.”

I certainly didn’t. 
That frozen heart of mine took off like a frightened jackrabbit
while my brain started plotting.  If I married Johnny
and
then
told him
the truth, even if he arrested me, he couldn’t testify against
me.  No lawyer worth his salt would have a problem excluding a
spousal confession from being entered into evidence in
court.

Stop it!  If he doesn’t know, you’re
not telling him.  Look at him, Helen.

I blinked back more tears and saw what
honesty would destroy.  Another battle was underway inside
me. 

Johnny stared hard enough to divine the
truth without a confession, and if I had any doubts about how much
he really knows and understands me, they were quickly erased.

“
No matter what, even if
you lied to me, even if his death wasn’t exactly the way you said,
I still love you.  I always will.  Nothing could ever
–”

I pressed to fingers over his lips. 
“I’m going to have our baby, Johnny.  I’ll love him and be the
best mother I can be.”

Johnny’s lips parted in a
wide grin.  “You’ve said
him
twice.  I know you haven’t had an
ultrasound.  Is this mother’s intuition?”

“
I hate it when people
refer to unborn children as
it
.”

“
Do you hope we have a
boy?”

I marveled at how easily Johnny was
distracted from a painful conversation.  And then I
shrugged.  “We’ll have what we have, I guess.  Don’t most
men want sons?”

“
I don’t care either way,
as long as he or she is healthy and looks just like his or her
mother,” he nibbled at my lips softly.

“
And here I’ve been hoping
that all of my genes are recessive.”

“
I’d settle for the
beautiful green eyes,” he kissed them.  “And the intelligence,
and lovely red highlights in your hair.  I hope.”

“
I hope he looks like
you.  I hope he’s exactly like you.” 

Good.  Honest.  Kind. 
Strong.  Courageous.  Boundless patience.  My
fingers caressed Johnny’s cheek.  “Like you in every way,
Johnny.  I love you so much.  Please forgive me for being
so cross lately.”

His head dipped, lips nuzzled the sweet spot
on my neck than never failed to ignite passion in me.  I
moaned softly.

“
They say it’s the
hormones,” he whispered.  “I think I can deal with
it.”

“
Promise me
something.”

“
Anything,
everything.”

“
When I get emotional or
angry for no good reason,” I paused to rake my fingernails over his
scalp.  “Kiss my neck like that.”

Johnny chuckled.  “Deal.”

“
And then make love to me,
because if you don’t, I’ll just get angry again.”

“
Is that how it
works?”  His smile pressed against my neck.  “Oh, if I’d
only known that the night I met you.  That was the first time
I kissed you here,” punctuated with a sizzling reminder.

“
Let’s get married right
away.  I don’t want a big wedding or a party or any of that
stuff, Johnny.  Just you.”

He hummed against my throat.  “Vegas at
midnight?”

“
Why can’t we do it
here?”

Johnny abandoned the nibble and stared down
at me.  “Are you serious about doing it right away?  What
about our friends?  We haven’t even told anyone.”

“
I want to marry you
now.”

“
No church?”

“
Johnny, have you
forgotten who you asked to marry you?”

He grinned.  “Not for a moment. 
We have to wait three days for a marriage license.”

I felt the muscles in my face sag.

“
Of course, I’m sure
someone in Bay County could be persuaded to grant us a waiver on
that.  For a small donation of course.”

“
Johnny, I don’t want you
bribing someone for a marriage license.”

He laughed softly and kissed the tip of my
nose.  “It’s more like a processing fee to push the paperwork
through on the spot.  Ten bucks, I think.  They don’t
allow a ton of waivers, but I think I might have a little bit of
pull, don’t you?”

“
Are you sure you won’t
regret not having a huge wedding at Saint Angelo’s with a billion
friends watching, and your pregnant, blimp of a wife waddling down
the aisle in white?”

Johnny’s hands caged my cheeks. 
“Helen, if I had thought for one second that you would agree to
marry me right away, we’d have done it the day I proposed.  I
don’t need all that other stuff, as long as I have you.”

“
Where do we need to go,
how long will it take to issue the license, and do you have someone
on speed dial who can perform the ceremony right away?”

“
We’ll be married before
Devlin gets here with his big news about the search of the Sherman
house.  The only thing we won’t have is rings.”

“
I don’t need
one.”

“
Well I do,” Johnny
grinned.  “I want that thing to be a huge beacon to every man
in the world. 
Hands off.  She’s
mine.
”

It surprised me how much I liked that idea,
though I’d never admit it.

Chapter 28

Devlin was pacing in the courtyard in front
of our house when Johnny and I returned home late that
afternoon.  He didn’t question our silence.  Honestly, I
doubt he noticed it since there was really no opportunity for
either of us to get a word in edgewise.  I opened the front
door while he chattered.

“
There was nothing
remarkable in that house.  We found a safe with an empty
lockbox inside.  That was it.  But I’ve got Holmes in
custody, commander, and she’s scared shitless.  I think if we
hit her hard with what we already know, she’ll crack.  So how
about it, Helen?  Are you up for a big
confrontation?”

My fingers were still threaded through
Johnny’s, the only separation since we exchanged vows and used his
parent’s wedding bands to seal the deal had been when entering and
exiting the car.  My finger curled over his and stroked the
ring on his left hand. 

“
What makes you think
she’ll talk to me?”

“
Because before she had
the chance to invoke, I reminded her that the best shot for
leniency would be to talk and be honest.”

“
And she didn’t ask for an
attorney anyway?”

“
Nope,” Devlin
grinned.  “Andy said she was pretty subdued when he arrested
her.  He brought her over to the Sherman place and I read her
rights again, before I encouraged her to throw herself on the mercy
of the legal system.  She’s out at OSI where everyone else
except Sherman is locked up.  Crevan told me about the thing
with Payette last night.”

The thing with Payette. 

Johnny squeezed my hand. 

“
Maybe if we head over
there, you can check on her, sweetheart.  Make sure I didn’t
really do any serious damage last night,” Johnny
said. 

This was not how I imagined my wedding
night.  Ever.

“
Get this,” Devlin rolled
forward on the balls of his feet.  “I said we didn’t find
anything particularly helpful at the house, right?”

“
More than once,” Johnny
nodded.

“
I did find something
curious, a list of website links in a folder on a laptop
computer.  We seized it of course, but I’d really like you to
take a look at it Helen.  It’s looks like gibberish, but I
can’t figure out why it would be saved if it didn’t mean
something.”

“
A link to
what?”

“
A message board on the
Darkwater Exchange.”

“
Isn’t that where Crevan
was looking for suspicious activity?” I glanced up at
Johnny.

“
Yeah, it was.  We
talked about all of the solicitation that goes on in the Darkwater
Bay incarnation of eBay for the sex trades.”

“
Pretty big haystack
might’ve just gotten a whole lot smaller.  Think about it,
Helen.  We’ve got someone who was caught red handed with a
desktop link to the very place we thought might’ve been used as a
means of communication.”

“
But I thought you said it
looked like gibberish, Dev.” 

He grinned at me.  “What, you really
thought these people would have frank communications about selling
human beings without some kind of encryption?  C’mon,
Helen.  You know better than that.”

“
If they’ve encrypted
their messages, we’ll need someone who specializes in cracking
those kinds of codes.  Sorry, guys, but that person isn’t me,”
I said. 

“
You need to see it,
Helen.  It’s not that kind of encryption.  Think bizarre
word jumble.”

“
Like the one in the
Sunday paper?”

Devlin was in the habit of consciously
avoiding eye contact with his commanding officer since Johnny
threatened to tear him to bits if he ever touched me again. 
Frankly, I was surprised that Johnny hadn’t immediately shoved my
ring finger under his nose and uttered some schoolyard
taunt. 

“
I don’t have a clue what
it could be,” Devlin said.  “Which is why I want Helen to look
at it, sir.”

Johnny snorted. 

I tensed, and he felt it instantly.

“
Sorry, honey,” he
muttered.  “Do you feel up to this?”

“
I don’t see what choice
we have, though this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind for a
leisurely Sunday evening.”  Yes, my new husband pulls enough
strings to not only find a magistrate to marry us, but to finagle a
marriage license out of a government agency closed on
weekends. 

I caught Devlin’s expression out of the
corner of my eye.  It was riddled with questions.

“
Am I interrupting
something here?  You two are acting… odd.”  Devlin
recoiled from his own words the second he spoke them.  I
wouldn’t have been shocked to see him stand at attention and salute
Johnny with copious
sir
s.