Always with You (WIth You Trilogy) (11 page)

Jason pulled me close to him and held me tight, his scent calming some of the tension that remained from seeing Jake lying there lifeless.

“You sure you’ll be okay?” He whispered in my ear.

“Yeah,” I nodded. “I want to make sure he’s okay. I don’t want him reacting again during the night.”

“But you need sleep too, little squirrel,” he replied.

“I’ll be okay,” I smiled. “I can sleep in the car tomorrow.”

I was getting used to not sleeping much at night. The nightmares were still horrific, to the point that I was scared to close my eyes sometimes. I had my first meeting with my new therapist
the following week and it couldn’t come soon enough.

I knew she was meant to
be helping me with other things but the lack of sleep was currently my biggest problem.

“Alright,” Jason nodded, pulling my chin up gently to kiss me. “I love you, Jamie-Lea.”

“I love you too, Jason,” I smiled, hugging him one last time before he left the room to go find Ben.

I sighed as I shut the door.

Jake had rolled onto his side with his back to me. He didn’t say anything but I suspected he was awake.

“Jake, can I stay in here with you tonight, please?” I asked.

He shrugged but didn’t say anything. I figured he would have said no if he really didn’t want me there so I grabbed one of his t-shirts off the side and got changed. I pulled the duvet up over him and grabbed a blanket from his armchair to put over me, grateful that Jake had a double bed. If I managed to get any sleep, it’d be nice to do it lying down.

“Are you okay?” I asked
his back. He was obviously feeling like crap and I really wished I could make him feel better.

He nodded, or at least I thought he nodded, it was hard to see with the lights off and his back to me.

“You want anything?” I asked hopefully.

He shook his head and I sighed inwardly, hating the hostility between us.

“Okay,” I answered quietly, rolling a little closer so I could squeeze his shoulder gently. “Night, big brother.”

Saturday, 13th July 2013

I
could hear a scream, an ear-piercing scream, and then I felt arms around me.
No, let me go. Don’t hurt me
. I was hot, too hot but the arms were still around me.

“It’s okay, Jelly,” the voice soothed. “I’m here, it’s okay.”

I took a few deep breaths and tried to figure out what was happening. It was Jake.
I’m with Jake
. He was still holding me and once I realised where I was I put my arms around him.

“Jake?” I managed, still sobbing pathetically.

“Yeah, I’m here, Jellybean. It was just a bad dream,” he soothed gently.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured against his shoulder.

The door burst open and I wrenched away from Jake to see Xander barge through the door in his boxer shorts. He took one look at me and relaxed his shoulders.

“You okay?” H
e asked.

I nodded
, my cheeks hot with embarrassment.

“She had a nightmare,” Jake explained.

“Alright,” Xander nodded. “Need anything?”

I shook my head and he left, closing the door behind him. I realised that the scream I’d heard must have come from me. Xander had come running when I screamed once more. If Ian
’s goal was for me to feel safe then it seemed he’d chosen the right man for the job.

“You want to talk about it?” Jake asked apprehensively.

I shook my head.

“At
least tell me what it was about,” he insisted, wrapping his arms around me once more.

“I dreamt
that they took me again,” I said quietly, letting him hold me because I was still shaking and Jake’s arms felt safe and stable. “I’m sorry for waking you up.”

“It’s fine,” he
assured me. “I would have been up soon anyway. It’s almost six.”

“You get up at six?” I asked, surprised because I just assumed Jake would have ditched the habit as soon as he moved out.

“Recently I have,” he sighed heavily. “Don’t you?”

I shrugged. “You going to tell the others?”

“No,” he smiled reassuringly. “Karl and Matt have been on my ass about it recently.”

“What?” I frowned.

“I got in an argument with Karl a few weeks ago and ever since, he insists on making sure I’m up at six everyday.”

“Harsh,” I frowned.

Jake shrugged, feigning indifference but I could tell it bothered him.

“Listen, Jelly, about last night-” he started but his ringing phone cut him off. He grabbed it from his pocket and showed me the screen.
Karl
.

“Karl,” Jake answered, rolling his eyes at me.

I grinned back because we both knew what would be happening if Karl had seen him rolling his eyes. I half-listened to the one-sided conversation, which consisted predominantly of “no, sir” and “yes, sir”, and felt a little sorry for Jake. It was obvious Karl was in a bad mood.

“Jelly’s here, want to talk to her?” I heard Jake ask.

I shook my head emphatically at him. I didn’t want to talk to Karl if he was in a bad mood. Jake grinned mischievously and handed the phone over to me.

“Morning, Karl,” I greeted as happily as I could whilst glaring at Jake.

“What are you doing at Jake’s?” Karl demanded. “I thought you were going to stay at Jason’s brother’s house.”

“Xander didn’t think it was safe for me to go out so Jake offered to let them have a party here,” I explained
, not that I felt he really needed an explanation.

“J
ake said you had a nightmare?” He continued.

I glanced at Jake, realising
I should have eavesdropped on their conversation a little more closely.

“Yeah,” I said awkwardly, not sure how close he was to going military on me.

“Are you okay?” He said gently

“I am,” I nodded. “Jake looked after me.”

“Good.”

“How’s my little niece?” I smiled.

“She’s good,” Karl answered. I could hear him grinning. “She’s trying to grab the phone as we speak.”

“Kids these days,” I teased.

“Tell me about it,” he laughed. “I’ll talk to you later, be good, Jellybean.”

I handed the phone back to Jake, smiling sympathetically.

“Fucking typical,” he sighed.

“What?” I frowned.

“He’s a dick to me and laughs and jokes with you,” Jake scowled.

“Jake, it’s not like that,” I
tried to assure him. “You know how it is when they’re pissed at us. He’ll go back to normal when he’s decided he’s forgiven you for whatever you argued about.”

“Whatever,” he shrugged, flopping back down onto the bed with his forearm over his eyes. “It’s always been easy for you.”

“Easy for me? What the hell are you talking about, Jake? You’re the one that had it easy. You’re the one that did whatever the hell you wanted. I never got any leeway!”

“Bullshit!” H
e shouted, pulling his arm away to look at me. “You’re always a goody two shoes. They say jump, you say how high!”

“What choice did I have, Jake? I wasn’t as brave as you. I didn’t dare stand up to them!”

Jake looked at me gormlessly, his eyebrows knitted together as I glared at him, annoyed that he could be so blind to everything.

“Brave?” He grinned eventually.

I nodded glumly. I’d always been ashamed of the fact that I never fought back or argued with my brothers. I just did as I was told because I felt so guilty about all the trouble I’d caused. Jake had always been the one to kick up a fuss and argue his case, even if it usually ended up in him getting an asskicking.

“Jelly, I don’t think a week
went by that I wasn’t getting my arse handed to me.”

“At least they listened to you,” I grumbled. “Nobody listens to me.”

“That’s because you spent half your childhood refusing to speak,” he teased.

“Good point,” I muttered sulkily as Jake wrapped his arm round my shoulder.

“I didn’t mean to be a dick, Jelly,” he sighed. “These early mornings are getting to me and everybody’s been really nice to you and I guess I was just jealous.” He was silent for a second before he spoken again, so quietly it was almost indiscernible. “I think they all blame me for letting Duff get to you.”

“Oh, Jake,” I cried, wrapping my arms around
him. “That’s not true. None of them blame you because it wasn’t your fault. I told you already.”

“Then why are they being such hardasses?” He shook his head in frustration.

“Because they always are?” I said dryly, trying to get him to cheer up. “You know how they are. They aren’t doing it to be horrible. They all drove all the way up here for your birthday, Jake. They wouldn’t have done that if they didn’t love you.”

“Sorry,” he shook his head. “It just gets a bit much sometimes, you know?” He sighed. “I wish I could just shut the fuck up and stop arguing back but I get so sick of them being so controlling. I’m fucking twenty-one. They don’t get to decide what time I get up.”

“I know, Jake,” I’m sorry. I knew exactly what he meant. “If it’s any consolation, I always thought it was awesome how you stuck up for yourself. I was jealous.”

“You shouldn’t have been. No fun being a human punch bag,” he muttered.

“I dunno, you usually get a few punches in. You almost broke Matt’s nose,” I grinned.

“That was awesome,” he smiled a little before sighing and pulling away from the hug. “I hate not being in control.”

“I hated it too,” I admitted. “I hated not having control over anything in my life. I hated not getting to wear what I wanted, not being able to go to parties without you. Not being able to eat my own lunch or pick my own meals. I know they meant well, that they had the best intentions, but sometimes I felt more like a pet then a sister.”

“I’m sorry,” he frowned. “About taking your lunch.”

I grinned. “I wasn’t telling you that to make you feel guilty.

“I know,” he shrugged again. “But it was still a twatty thing to do.”

“It’s okay,” I said because I didn’t know what else to say.

“Craig used to take mine,” he admitted. “But I think he only did it because the others took his.”

“Whose was I meant to take?” I teased.

He shrugged. “Alex’?”

“That boy’s skinny enough already,” I laughed, as did Jake.

We sat in silence a while longer. I’d had no idea how much it all got to Jake. He always seemed so much stronger than I did. I was glad we’d talked about it though. It felt like we’d knocked down the invisible wall between us. Jake and I had both been through the same crap, we’d gotten through it in different ways. Perhaps it would have been easier for us if we’d tried to help each other through it instead.

Jason was exhausted when he turned up at Jake’s. He and Ben had stayed up into the early hours talking. He didn’t say what about but he seemed a little happier and I took it as a good sign that he might be learning to open up.

When
we commenced the drive back to Leeds, I insisted he take the back seat so he could spread out and sleep a little. Despite the fact that I didn’t sleep much myself, I felt energised by opening up with Jake. It was nice to know that I wasn’t alone in feeling frustrated sometimes. It made me feel slightly less ungrateful.

“
He out?” Xander asked, looking at Jason’s sleeping form through the rear-view mirror.

“Yeah,” I smiled
affectionately, keeping my voice low so he wouldn’t wake up. I loved how peaceful he looked when he was asleep, free of all the stress of the waking world.

“Xander?” I prompted, encouraged by the fact that he had initiated a conversation.

He didn’t reply but I saw his eyes flick over to me and I took that as permission to continue.

“Where do you live? When you’re not being forced to look after your friend’s little sisters, I mean.”

“Manchester.”

I nodded, a little surprised that he’d answered.

“What?” He smirked, clearly having noted the surprise on my face. “Where did you think I lived?”

“The bat cave?” I offered.

Xander laughed, he actually laughed. “Think I’m batman?”

“No, Ian’s Batman. You’re Robin,” I goaded him.

“Fucking sidekick,” Xander muttered, scoffing in disgust.

“You missing home?” I continued, enjoying the open stream of information.

Returning to form, Xander just shrugged.

“Don’t you have a girlfriend waiting on you?” I pressed, wanting to understand the emotionless brick wall who would be shadowing me for the foreseeable future.

“Died,” Xander answered quickly. He looked almost as surprised as I did that he’d offered the information freely.

“That sucks,” I said, because what else could I say. There was no point saying “I’m sorry” because they were just empty words. There was nothing anyone could do.

“Yeah, kid,” he chuckled bitterly. “It sucks.”

There was a long silence and I contemplated putting my headphones in so that I didn’t feel it quite so intensely but Xander surprised me again by speaking up.

“You draw?”

“Um, draw?” I frowned, immediately hating myself for saying “um.”

“With a pencil,” he explained condescendingly.

“Oh. Not really. Not since I was a kid,” I shrugged, completely thrown off kilter by the odd line of questioning.

“Elephants?” He prompted.

“What?” My frown deepened. Now it felt like he was chucking out random words.

“You draw elephants when you were a kid?”

Okay, now he was just being creepy. I used to draw pictures of Nelly when I was little. I just nodded dumbly, trying to figure out why he was asking and how he knew.

“Ian always had a drawing of an elephant with him on deployments,” he graced me with a gruff explanation.

“He did?” I breathed, a happy smile breaking
out over my face at the thought that Ian took something of me with him when he left.

Xander nodded. “Never left without it.
Good luck charm.”

“Ian doesn’t believe in luck,” I scoffed.

“No,” Xander agreed. “He believes in family.”

My smile broadened at those words.

“He’ll be fine,” Xander continued, knocking my smile slightly at the reminder that Ian was abroad, in unknown places, fighting unknown threats.

“How do you know that?” I whispered, scared to hear the answer.

“Got your drawing with him. Knows what he’s got to come home to.”

My smile returned multiplied by a thousand. This moody,
temperamental, and impossible man had just made my day. I could see the pain in his eyes when he mentioned his girlfriend and it went some way to explaining why he was the way he was. It warmed my heart that he’d gone to the effort of reassuring me, even though he obviously didn’t like talking. When Xander told me Ian was going to be fine, I came very close to believing it.