Alyssa's Choice (8 page)

Three Weeks Later

Alyssa felt sick. She groaned as she moved around on her single bed, grabbing her stomach, wishing she would stop throwing up. It had been like this for a couple days, every day waking up sicker than the last. After a few hours, saltine crackers, and water, she would head back to the store to work no matter how crappy she felt.

Grant and Justin had called her numerous times, and each time she ignored them, making her feel a small twinge of guilt. She didn’t want to face them yet. Instead, she pressed the end button, hoping they would get the hint and give her more time. They had also stopped by the store and the guest house, looking for her. Days turned into weeks, and slowly they pulled back, giving her more space. She wasn’t sure if that was really what she wanted, though. Luckily, her friends didn’t intervene or ask too many questions. She felt guilty enough as it was.

Today was the grand opening. The last thing she wanted to do was get up and attend a party. She just wanted to be alone, sleep, and get over whatever flu bug had bitten her. After this passed, she planned on going into the pub and talking to them both. Maybe they could forgive her for acting so stupid and give her another chance. Maybe they could date or do whatever normal people did.

She could hear Jessica moving around her room and knew that she was probably getting ready for the party. They were all instructed to wear cocktail attire when she wanted to stay in her pajamas the rest of the day. She turned slowly, facing the closet, and saw the perfect black dress hanging there waiting for her.

A quiet knock came from the other side of her door, and she closed her eyes, pretending to sleep. She couldn’t get up. She couldn’t force herself to move without feeling that horrible, sour taste in her throat.

“Alyssa, are you feeling okay? Do you want me to get a bath started for you?” Jessica whispered as she opened the door.

“No. Please go and have fun. I can’t go. I feel too freakin’ sick.” She moaned, keeping her eyes shut.

“Okay. If you feel better, call me. I’ll come pick you up.” She closed the door quietly behind her, and Alyssa could hear the click of her heels as she headed out the door. She waited a few minutes before slowly crawling out of bed and heading toward the bathroom.

She pulled a bag out from under the sink and quietly opened it. Even though she was the only person at home, she still felt embarrassed and a little scared to be taking a test. She opened the box, pulling out the stick she needed to pee on. She was hoping and praying that she was just being overly paranoid. Her period was only a few days late, but she couldn’t get the thought out of her mind. What if she was pregnant? She shook her head. Nope, this was only a precaution so that she could just tell her body it was the flu and believe it.

She moved slowly, not wanting to upset her stomach or jolt her body too much. She had bought the stupid test on her way home from work and was surprised that not everybody in town knew. At least Bella and Jessica hadn’t said anything to her. Her secret was safe for the moment. She stood up slowly and quickly went to the bathroom before sitting back down on the cool tile. It seemed anytime she moved, her stomach revolted.

Alyssa leaned against the bathtub and tried to breathe slowly. She ignored the piece of plastic sitting next to her. She didn’t want to think about it. She kept thinking about Grant and Justin, had been thinking about them since that morning when she had snuck off, afraid to talk to them. She felt her eyes fill up with tears and let them fall down her cheeks unchecked.

She felt like a coward, a weak, stupid girl. The kind of girl she hated to be. Why couldn’t she be stronger? Why didn’t she just stay and wait to see what they would say the morning after? Instead, she snuck out, too scared to face them, too weak to admit that she cared. Alyssa sobbed, sitting in the bathroom alone. She cried for all those horrible mornings when men were mean to her, for her childhood when she didn’t feel good enough, and for Justin and Grant, the two men that made her feel special. The pain in her heart was too much to bear, and she tried to calm herself down, not wanting to have big, red, puffy eyes on top of feeling sick to her stomach.

After what seemed like hours of her own personal pity party, she finally looked down at the test. She needed to know what she was facing, what she had to deal with. She stared at the test, and her heart froze. A huge plus sign stared back at her.

Alyssa stood up and got her balance as the room spun around her. She swallowed hard and tried to think of her options. What was she going to do? She moved on autopilot, not really thinking, and grabbed her cell phone.

“Hey, Alyssa. Are you feeling better, sweetie?” Bella’s voice came through the phone, and Alyssa couldn’t stop shaking.

“Yeah. Um, kind of. Listen, Bella. Can I borrow your car? I’m not sure when I’ll be back, but I need to do something.” She wasn’t going to give details. She needed a break, she needed some time away, and this was her only chance. She knew she was running away, really being a coward after all, but she couldn’t think straight.

“Of course. Are you okay? Do you need me?” she asked. Alyssa could tell she was walking away from the party. The music faded as well as the voices. It sounded like the party was a success.

“No. I’m good. I’ll just walk down to the main house and get the car. Where are the keys?” She was already formulating a plan. She could walk to the house, get the car, drive it back, and throw her bags inside. She needed some time to think, and the only thing she wanted to do was go home. She wouldn’t stay there forever, but she did need time away.

“Okay. Um, the car is out front. The keys are hanging on the rack just inside the door. Listen, Alyssa, please call me tonight. I want you to check in with me. Are you sure you’re okay?” She could hear the worry in her friend’s voice and wanted to tell her everything was great, but she didn’t want to lie.

“I need to go home for a bit, but I’ll be back. I promise.” That was the truth after all. She needed to go home. She needed to see the one person she loved more than anybody else, her grandma.

“Okay. I’m not thrilled about your choice, but drive safe,” she finally said.

“Thanks, Bella. Please, don’t tell anybody I’m leaving. Not yet.” She knew Bella couldn’t keep a secret, but if she could keep her mouth closed for a couple hours that would be enough time to get out of town.

“Drive safe. You better call me or I’m telling everyone,” she threatened, and Alyssa believed her.

“Thanks.” She hung up the phone and put her shoes on. She needed to hurry before she thought too much and changed her mind. She pulled her suitcase up from under the bed and opened it, grabbing only a few items. She wouldn’t be gone long and she would return.

Alyssa walked down the dirt path, rolling her suitcase along after her. It wasn’t that long of a walk to the main house. She felt better being outside under the warm sun, feeling the breeze blow through her hair. It was so quiet out at the ranch, away from town, and she loved how peaceful the place felt. When she was in California, everything moved at such a fast pace, and people rarely took the time to say hi. It was such a different atmosphere. She slid one hand to her stomach and realized that if she did decide to have this baby, then Coltmann County would be the place to raise it.

When she finally spotted the house with Bella’s car sitting out front, she walked faster, wanting to get out of town before anyone knew she was gone. Bella’s silence wouldn’t last long. She dropped her bag next to the car and headed up the stairs and to the front door. It was amazing how the people living in this small town didn’t lock up. It was unnecessary, especially since everyone knew each other. She opened the door, reached her hand in, and grabbed the keys. Alyssa put her bag in the car and slid into the driver’s seat. She started the engine, reversed, and headed back down the long driveway toward town.

When she reached Main Street, she drove by the store. There were cars everywhere, music blaring, and people walking around. It looked like their grand opening was a huge success, and she smiled sadly, wishing she was there enjoying it with her friends. She didn’t stop, though. She continued to drive. She remembered their small adventure to this cute little town, a place that didn’t have a name. Instead, it was Coltmann County.

Alyssa turned on the radio and found a country station. She was in a mood and wanted to sing. When she reached the county line, she looked through the rearview mirror at the place she now called home. She knew in her heart that she would return. She just didn’t know when exactly. A few weeks at the most. The town got smaller and smaller as she drove away, and she knew she was leaving her heart behind with Justin and Grant.

Tears slowly slid down her cheeks, and she wanted to turn the car around, but she couldn’t. She had some issues that needed to be dealt with before she could talk to them.

* * * *

Bella tried to busy herself. She knew that if anyone asked, she would spill the beans about Alyssa. It was too hard to keep a secret as important as the one she was holding tight to. Lately, it seemed Alyssa was depressed, so maybe she did need a little break from them after all. Ever since her night with Grant and Justin, Alyssa had been keeping her distance. She ignored their questions, she avoided her men, and Bella had no idea what was going on. It seemed that the three of them were a match made in heaven, but maybe she had been wrong to assume that.

She walked around picking up abandoned plates, cups, and napkins and throwing them away. Jessica was in charge of the cash register, and it looked like they were making some money tonight. The bar and food tables were full of patrons. Justin and Grant seemed to have everything under control. Hannah was running around, helping wherever she could. The party was a success, and tons of people had come from the surrounding counties to attend. The only thing missing was Alyssa, and she looked around feeling a bit sad.

Strong arms wrapped around her waist, and she smiled, loving the way Clint, Clay, and Cody could read her and her moods so perfectly. “What’s wrong, baby? You should be celebrating. Why do you look so sad?” Clint’s voice whispered in her ear, and she bit her lip, refusing to blab, although she really wanted to tell him.

Clint turned her in his arms and stared at her, not letting her break their eye contact. He always did that when she didn’t want to talk about something. “I’m waiting.” His voice became a little stern, and Bella shivered, loving the effect he had on her.

“I can’t talk about it right now. I’m sorry.” She knew she was in trouble when he arched his brow, grabbed her hand, and pulled her toward the door. She knew she would spill, would tell him everything, but she just hoped that Alyssa was already gone. They walked outside hand in hand, and Clint didn’t stop walking until they were almost a block from the party and all the people.

“Clint, we have to go back. I can’t leave Hannah and Jessica in there alone. They need me.” She moaned the last line, hoping that he would just let it go until they got home.

“Clay and Cody will help them. You need to tell me what’s going on. Who was on the phone, Bella?” He stared at her, and she took a deep breath, letting her shoulders slump. Yup, she was going to tell him everything, like she usually did.

“It was Alyssa. She asked if she could borrow my car. She went out of town.” She told him the facts, keeping out her personal dialogue as to why she thought she was leaving. She knew it had to do with Justin and Grant.

“That’s it. She needed to borrow your car. Then why do you look like someone kicked your puppy?” he asked, staring into her eyes, and she knew that he really did love her more than any other man ever had. She felt so blessed, and she wanted the same thing for her friends.

“She’s been sad lately, and I think it has something to do with Justin and Grant. She went back to California, and I’m not sure when she’ll be back.” He pulled her into his arms, and she let him hold her. She felt a bit lost knowing that Alyssa was gone and not knowing when she might be back.

“I’m sorry, sweetie. I’m sure she’ll be back soon.” Clint took her hand, and they went back to the party.

Bella smiled and talked to tons of people, but in her mind, she was thinking about Alyssa and the future. How long would she be gone? When would she be back? What had happened that night with Justin and Grant? She stared at them both, wondering if she should talk to them, wondering if she should ask the questions running through her mind.

Instead, she walked toward Jessica, wanting to help her since she looked a little overwhelmed surrounded by so many people. Bella knew that Alyssa would be okay regardless of what had happened, and she knew she would see her again soon. A large hand grabbed her around her waist and pulled her toward the dance floor. Bella went willingly into Clay’s arms, moving, rubbing her body against his, relaxing and enjoying the music.

The drive was horrid. Alyssa forgot how long they were actually in the car driving, and since she was alone, there was nobody to change seats with her. She had finally decided to stop halfway, though. She stopped at some crummy, off-the-highway motel so that she could rest a while and sleep. She had wanted to turn around and go back toward home, Coltmann County, so many times. The drive took longer than it should’ve since she was constantly pulling off the road and fighting with herself. It was hard to make progress.

Her body felt sore as she drove down the 15 south, headed for her mom’s house. She had no idea why she was going there, except that she must be a masochist. What other reason could there be? The woman was a monster. She never had a kind word to say, and Alyssa she was driving straight there.

Alyssa pulled off the exit and made her way down the back roads to the broken-down apartment building where her mother lived, where she used to live. The only friend that ever knew where Alyssa lived was Jessica. The place was an embarrassment, and her mother was worse.
This is a bad idea
flashed through her mind in bright neon letters, but she wanted to see her grandmother, who lived in the same complex. Her goal wasn’t to see her mom. In fact, she hoped that she would be able to avoid her.

She parked Bella’s car and climbed out, stretching her back. She could hear it pop as she started walking toward the building that she had never wanted to see again in her lifetime. She stopped in front and stared at the iron bars, the weeds that surrounded the place, and the broken toys thrown around the property. This was the last place she wanted to raise a child. She turned away from the building, wanting to get back in the car and drive away.

The cigarette smoke reached her before she could move one step. “Well, well, well. I’ve been wondering what the hell happened to you.” Her mother’s voice washed over her like acid, and Alyssa realized that she had made the worse decision by running away. She didn’t have anywhere to go. She had no one except Bella and Jessica. Being here now, it became crystal clear.

She turned around and looked at the woman who had given birth to her. “Mother. I moved to Texas. I just came back to talk to Grandma.” This was their relationship, always brisk, never any real feelings or show of love.

Her mom took a drag, staring at her with bloodshot eyes. “She’s going to be leaving soon, so you’d better hurry.” She turned away and Alyssa relaxed, thinking that their conversation was over. “Have you lost weight? You look a bit thinner.” Of course, it wasn’t really over. Her mother hadn’t insulted her yet. Alyssa smiled broadly, so sick of hearing the same crap all the time.

“I don’t know. Maybe?” She shrugged, acting as if she didn’t care what the woman in front of her thought or said.

“You should probably exercise more. You could always lose more weight.” Her mom nodded, and Alyssa realized that this was the most complimentary her mom had ever been.

“Yup. I’ll do that.” She walked away toward her grandmother’s place. She was done with her mother. She wouldn’t be staying as long as she initially thought.

She cursed herself as she walked up the concrete stairs. Even if the conversations didn’t turn into knock-down, drag-out fights, she still hated seeing that woman. She brought out the bad in her, made her angry and hateful. When she reached the screen door, she gave a light tap, hoping to see her grandmother for a little while.

“Knock, knock. Anybody home?” She walked right in and spotted her frail grandma immediately, sitting at the small kitchen table.

“Well, hello, beautiful girl.” Her sweet voice was almost enough to erase her mother completely. This was the woman who had raised her and loved her. She smiled and walked over, sitting down.

“Hey, Grandma. I came all the way from Texas to talk to you. I’ve missed you.” Alyssa kept her voice low, feeling a little sad that she was back in the small apartment. Her grandmother told her years ago to not come back to this place, and she had obeyed until now.

“Why are you here? I don’t want you to get stuck in this place. You are better than this.” Her grandmother always seemed to get to the issue, no small talk.

“I don’t know. I guess I needed some advice. I almost made it to you without seeing Mom, but she saw me.” Her grandmother hated living in the poor part of town, and she had always told Alyssa to get out and to not ever come back. It seemed odd that family could turn their backs on each other, but this was her family.

“You need to let go of the past. You can’t carry it around with you. I keep telling you to move on with your life.” She shook her head and got up, moving away from the table, ending their conversation. Alyssa knew she was right. She couldn’t hold on to the past, the pain. She needed to forgive and move forward. Otherwise, she would never be able to have the life she always dreamt of.

“I love you,” Alyssa told her, standing up. She wiped the tear from her cheek. She would not cry until she was back in the safety of the car.

“I love you, too, now get back in that car and go back where you belong.” She moved down the hall, and Alyssa watched her go. She finally stood straight and left, walking straight to Bella’s car. She didn’t waste any time leaving. She pulled away from the curb and headed out of the area, putting as much distance between them as she could.