Amber Frost (11 page)

“I can’t be with someone when I’m trying to discover myself. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us,” I told him honestly. He nodded, his expression serious as he silently gazed out over the gray waves that were crashing along the breakwater.

“So you’re not going to start dating Sebastian Caldwood then?” Clarke suddenly asked. He was trying hard to appear casual but I could see the angry, bitter set to the edge of his mouth.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” I scoffed; I hoped it was convincing. “Sebastian is just a friend.” Clarke smiled, relaxing into the leather seat of his Bentley.

“Of course, that
was
ridiculous of me. I apologize,” he offered, immediately contrite. His lips pursed as he stared out over the foggy ocean, his expression thoughtful. “And what about us? Can we still be friends?” he asked, catching me by surprise.

“Sure,” I automatically agreed, though I wasn’t certain that we’d ever been friends to begin with. I didn’t voice this truth aloud; Clarke sounded genuine. He actually looked earnest and hopeful.

“Good. I want to be your friend. I’ll be whatever you need me to be, for now. And then later… we’ll see where things go,” he told me confidently. I fought the urge to roll my eyes.

“I don’t think things are going to ‘go’ anywhere between us, Clarke,” I warned him.

“We’ll be friends for now and take it from there,” he repeated. His smug confidence was infuriating. I couldn’t believe I’d thought he was listening. He still only heard what he wanted to.

Even with all his arrogance, Clarke had still handled our breakup better than I thought he would. On the other hand, my mother reacted just as I expected when I told her – she was
livid
. She told me I was a disappointment, she accused me of trying to ruin her, she claimed I was selfish, and demanded I phone Clarke immediately to reconcile. I calmly listened to her tirade, tuning out her words and focusing on how ridiculous she looked when she was angry – the veins bulging beneath her stretched-too-tight skin, spittle on her thin lips, her eyes wild, her expression ugly. I didn’t speak a word the whole while, waiting until she finally noticed that I was silent. Then I spoke calmly, in a clear and firm voice.

“I don’t love Clarke, Mother. I barely even like him. I deserve to be happy and he deserves happiness too, to be with someone who truly loves him. Pretending wasn’t doing any good for anyone.” Her eyes narrowed, her expression one of disdain.

“You’re right – he deserves better than you,” she declared in an angry hiss. She also only heard what she wanted. “I don’t know what
I did
to deserve such a selfish, ungrateful, uncaring wretch of a daughter. I deserve better than this. Now, get out of my sight!”

I calmly complied. It was bad but not as bad as it could have been. Surprisingly, it had all gone more easily than I’d anticipated. And now that it was over, now that I’d broken up with Clarke and confronted my mother, I could easily banish any lingering guilt from my mind. All that was left was eager anticipation. I couldn’t wait for school tomorrow, to see Sebastian again, to tell him what I’d done, and what I’d decided.

I refused Clarke’s offer to drive me to school Monday morning, arguing that yes, even though friends could drive one another to school, I wanted to drive myself. I had let people drive me around for too long and felt I had time to make up for. I left early – speeding down side roads and taking the long way to Craigflower to prolong my trip. I loved the feel of power and control as my Austin Mini zipped along the curving roads beside the ocean. For once, I smiled the whole way to school.

I still arrived on campus early, nearly half an hour before morning assembly. Somehow I knew Sebastian would be there already because for the first time in my life, I knew that I had met someone I could truly depend on. It was the first mutually beneficial friendship I’d ever had; it was the most precious thing I’d ever experienced. And though Sebastian was mysterious and confusing and sometimes erratic, he was still the most dependable thing in my life.

As I got out of my car and started walking towards the impressive, ancient main building, I saw him. He was sitting on the cold ground with his back against the base of the statue of our school’s founder, Joseph C. Craigflower. He wore his school uniform well with the top button of his shirt undone, his tie missing and his black combat boots beneath his pressed pants. I was fairly certain he’d be wearing his spiked belt and wallet chain also; his own unique touch evident even as he ‘conformed’. I was surprised to see that he held a cigarette between his fingers though he didn’t appear to be smoking it. Even from the distance I stood at, I could see that the smoke was coiling upwards from it in an uncannily-perfect, gray spiral. He butted the cigarette out on the ground as I approached having never once touched it to his lips.

“You smoke?” I asked by way of greeting him. I tried my best to sound superior and disapproving. It wasn’t as easy as it once had been.

“Sometimes,” he admitted shamelessly. He was grinning as if he found my tone funny.

“Let me guess, you don’t want to become addicted or get cancer, so you don’t?”

“Of course,” he agreed, still grinning. “But cigarettes are expensive and taste moderately foul. Sometimes I just enjoy holding one and having the excuse to step outside, to take a moment to sit and think.”

“Oh… what were you thinking about?”

“The usual. Debating wants and needs, coulds and shoulds; I’m an expert on the matter. Mostly though, I was thinking about you. How did your day go yesterday?”

“Surprisingly well,” I admitted, eyeing him suspiciously. He grinned back at me, hopping up from the ground and slinging his arm around my shoulders.

“I’d love to hear all about it,” he told me, his curiosity and genuine interest flattering.

I started to tell Sebastian all about my break up with Clarke as we walked inside the main building. There were a few other students about already, their heads turned to stare as they saw me and Sebastian together, his arm still around my shoulders. To my surprise, their stares didn’t bother me at all. In fact, I felt a little proud to be seen with Sebastian. It was a disappointment when he removed his arm from my shoulders; strangely the stares seemed to bother him more than they did me.

I gave Sebastian a word-by-word recall of my conversation with Clarke. Sebastian laughed when I told him how Clarke had asked if I was going to start dating him.

“What did you say to that?” he asked, the amusement clear in his voice.

“I told him we were just friends,” I replied, hesitantly. I wondered if he could hear the question behind my words.

“We are,” he agreed, the smile fading from his face. His eyes darkened to a clouded gray, his expression grew serious. “We can’t ever be more than that,” he told me softly.

“I know,” I quickly replied, trying to save my pride. “But… why?” I added, quietly.

He turned towards me, his fingers gently tilting my chin up so that I was forced to meet his gaze. Though his expression was severe, his eyes were soft, almost sad.

“I told you that you were special to me, and I meant it. Our friendship is the greatest gift I’ve ever been given and I won’t risk it for anything,” he told me solemnly. I didn’t really understand; his words confused more than they clarified but I accepted his answer easily. His friendship was a gift to me also and I wouldn’t risk that for anything either – for now. I stepped back, casually pulling away from his touch and breaking the intense moment between us.

“Clarke said he was going to be my friend too,” I told Sebastian. He gave a very small nod, acknowledging my change of subject, my acceptance of his words. “I’m not sure that he’ll really stick to that though,” I continued with a wry smile.

“You never know, sometimes people surprise you.” Sebastian’s mischievous smile and adorable dimple returned.

That comment led to a discussion on human nature. Once more, I was fascinated by Sebastian’s thoughts. Some of his observations were very astute and reflected a wisdom well beyond his years. Some of his other opinions seemed absurd and ridiculous to me – a fact that I clearly stated. He laughed at my objections, teasing me and pulling me further into another silly debate. I soon found myself laughing too. The world was a funny place when you saw it through Sebastian’s eyes. It felt strange to be laughing at school, to feel really relaxed and to be enjoying myself. I wished I could spend the whole day with Sebastian, I was already dreading his departure once the bell rang.

Apparently Sebastian wanted to stay by my side as much as I wanted him to or perhaps, in his case, even more. The fates conspired to keep us together; he was seated directly behind me during assembly, able to whisper in my ear the whole while. Unexpectedly, the school’s schedule had been reordered, making my first class English which I shared with Sebastian, where we were partnered up to work together for the entire period. Art came next, where once again we sat side by side, laughing and teasing one another, our backs to the rest of the room. It had to come to an end, eventually.

Art was almost over and next came lunch. I was looking forward to an entire hour to sit and laugh with Sebastian, uninterrupted by the pretense of doing our work. Presently he was telling me his theory about how every teenager should be required to compose a song before being allowed to graduate from high school; he seemed to feel it was an integral milestone that the education system was currently overlooking.

“You are so strange, Sebastian,” I told him with a laugh. He pretended to look offended. “Don’t worry, that’s what I love about you,” I teased him, patting his smooth cheek. He pulled back from my touch as if stung, his eyes suddenly wary, his expression guarded.

“Don’t say that.” His voice sounded strained, rougher than usual.

“What? I’m not allowed to love my friend?” I asked, surprised by his reaction.

“No, you shouldn’t. I don’t want… I think we’ve been spending too much time together.” He obviously changed what he had been about to say.

“But that’s what you wanted,” I objected, feeling very confused.

“I did. But now I want to be alone.”

“Sebastian, I don’t understand. What’s going on?”

“Nothing. It’s fine. I just need to go home for a bit. Yes, I’ll go home.” He sounded like he was talking to himself. He looked down at his desk, frowning.

“You’re going home? Now?”

“I’ve got to go. I’m so sorry, Gracelynn.” And he did look sorry, even sorrowful, as he quickly packed up his things and stood to leave.

“Will I see you tomorrow?” I asked, suddenly feeling afraid and desperate. He hesitated before answering, my heart pounding miserably as the seconds dragged out.

“Yes,” he finally answered with a trace of reluctance. He swung his bag over his shoulder and walked quickly to the door without a backward glance. I was left feeling overwhelmed and confused… I almost expected it now.

I spent the rest of the day by myself, speaking to no one but Clarke who I reluctantly ended up eating lunch with. Though Clarke actually made an effort to include me in the conversation and tried to encourage the others at our table to make me feel welcome, I was obviously on the outside now. When I had been Clarke’s girlfriend, the others had reluctantly accepted me. Now that I was just Clarke’s friend and especially since the others had either noticed or heard about my lack of becoming behavior lately and my unorthodox choice of companionship, they no longer even pretended to like me. I wasn’t upset about it; it was a refreshing change not to have to smile and pretend with girls that I knew despised me. I’d only sat with them today as Clarke had insisted and I was still too stunned by Sebastian’s bizarre behavior to come up with a fast enough excuse not to. Tomorrow at lunch, I would either sit with Sebastian or on my own.

I was worried about how Sebastian would behave the next time I saw him. It was so difficult to follow his thoughts and twisted reasoning sometimes. He could be quite erratic and unpredictable; it was both irritating and intriguing. The next morning though, when I arrived at school, he was waiting for me again by the base of the statue. He smiled warmly at me, waving as I approached. And since he acted as if nothing had happened the day before, I followed his lead. I didn’t even have to pretend nothing was wrong; I simply understood that whatever had happened yesterday was in the past and nothing was wrong today. The closest he came to mentioning his previous strange reaction to my words was several days later. We were working together in the library, sitting across the table from each other as Clarke and I had once done.

“Is it hard to be friends with someone who’s so strange?” he suddenly asked me, his tone quite serious. I looked up from my work to find his eyes, a mysterious black-blue today, staring straight into mine. He was leaning forward across the small table, closing some of the distance between us. His expression was both apologetic and apprehensive, and somehow I knew this was the closest he’d ever come to apologizing or explaining his bizarre behavior. The intensity of his gaze and the handsomeness of his face overwhelmed me for a moment.

“Not hard; confusing maybe but also interesting… there’s never a dull moment,” I teased as I managed to unscramble my thoughts. “Besides, the benefits outweigh the risks.”

“Risks?” He was eyeing me strangely.

“You know, my mother’s ire, the loss of my perfect boyfriend and loving friends,” I joked. Sebastian’s reaction was unexpected though; for a moment he looked relieved and then instantly his expression changed to one of chagrin.