American Girls (31 page)

“I think a lot of being able to climax during sex has to do with your own self-confidence,” says Paige, an undergraduate at the University of Delaware, “and so oftentimes you can be completely unaware of it, but you're keeping yourself from letting go and experiencing that situation. Also, like…couples aren't exactly the norm anymore, and I mean, how are you going to have such an intimate experience with some random person?”

Some girls and young women say their anxiety about sexual and emotional intimacy also comes from having grown up communicating on social media, so “we don't know how to talk to each other face-to-face.” Some say they don't always know how to voice their desires to their sex partners, with whom they may have communicated mainly through messaging and texting. “You form your first impression based off Facebook rather than forming a connection with someone, so you're, like, forming your connection with their profile,” said Stephanie, a Boston College undergraduate. “You find yourself, like, naked with someone you mainly know from social media.”

Young men say they sometimes feel let down in hookups, too, disappointment often related to how sex in real life doesn't compare to the easy gratification of masturbating to porn. Reports of a curious increase in erectile dysfunction among young American men have been attributed to porn consumption, among other things, including chemicals in processed foods and the lack of intimacy in hookup sex. Ben, a student at an Ivy League school, when asked what he attributed it to, texted: “The phenomenon of the disappearing boner is purely a result of excessive porn use. It's a much talked about thing at [his school]. Essentially you can cherry pick the most arousing stuff online whenever you want every day. Like if you ran on ten cups of coffee a day forever and one day you only drank two cups—analogous to the arousal from random non-intimate sex with a real person who is not a porn star, who is literally designed by a surgeon to trigger arousal cues—even though it's still coffee it's not that stimulating in comparison. Just an overflow of easily accessible mega stimulation that sets the ‘what gives you a boner' bar absurdly high.”

The question of why some young women are tolerating bad sex, sex that privileges men, may have some ominous answers. Lisa Wade said in her lecture, “Many of our female students recalled consenting to sexual activity they did not desire because they felt it was their only option, even in the absence of physical coercion, threats, or incapacitation…Options such as saying no, asking him to masturbate, leaving the situation, or abandoning the friendship or relationship did not seem to occur to them. It was almost as if they felt that it was the natural order of things…like water flowed downhill, women must release men's sexual tension. Ironically, then, women were engaging in sex because they felt that the playing field was even, but it was not.” One study mentioned in the
Review of General Psychology
survey reported that “78 percent of individuals overestimated others' comfort with many different sexual behaviors, with men particularly overestimating women's actual comfort with a variety of sexual behaviors in hookups.” And, another study in the survey said, “not all hookup encounters are necessarily wanted or consensual. Individuals occasionally consent to engage in a sexual act but do not necessarily want sex.

Hookup culture is often heard described by girls and young women as “a contest to see who can care less.” “And guys win a lot at caring less,” says Amanda, the Boston College student. But it would seem a hollow victory. According to studies, men as well as women experience negative feelings about their casual encounters, from anxiety to depression to regret, with women having possibly more thoughts of worry and vulnerability than men, one study said.” Eighty-three percent of college-age women and 63 percent of college-age men in another study said that they would prefer to be in a traditional romantic relationship. So what are the factors behind the alienation of hookup culture? Gender inequality? Technology? Porn?

“I'd love to be able to just, like, text a boy and be like, Yo, I like you, you like me, let's get together and hang out and do stuff,” said Marina, a seventeen-year-old girl in New York. “But that does not work with boys. It. Does. Not. Work. 'Cause then they think they have the power, and that's what it's all about—who's got the power.”

Of course, not every girl experiences hookup culture as a power imbalance, and there are young women who love hookup sex and do find it empowering. It's not that uncommon to hear young women say they can “fuck like a guy” and not care about having any kind of emotional intimacy. But that very formulation—“fuck like a guy”—suggests having sex in a way that is coded as hypermasculine, unfeeling, with no respect or regard for the other person in the encounter. It's seen as hypersexualized behavior on the part of women, but it's also a kind of hypermasculinity dressed up in a porn-star package. Girls and women objectifying boys and men feels like mirroring behavior, reflecting misogyny.

“I think it got old to be hurt,” said Maya, a nineteen-year-old girl in New York. “It got old to be the victim. For girls, it's not getting us anywhere. It's not building our case. It's not getting us any more respect. So it's like, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.”

Sydney had a weekend job at a clothing store on Broadway. It was one of those big busy chain stores with loud techno music and bright fluorescent lights. Her job was to go around and fold things that had been unfolded and replace items that had been tried on but not been purchased. She worked silently and efficiently, keeping her head down. She was wearing a crop top and booty shorts.

She had on a lot of lipstick and eyeliner, which made her look older than seventeen. A male shopper, a guy in his thirties, stopped her to ask a question while she was working. He seemed to be flirting with her. Sydney shook her head at something he said and went in the back of the store. He left.

As we were walking together to the Popover Café on Amsterdam Avenue after she was done with work, I asked her what the guy had said. “Oh,” she said with a shrug, “we get hit on all day. The girls they hire are really attractive and they make us dress like this.” She indicated her attire. “When they hired me, they said, ‘Dress for the hot weather'—which we know means, like, wear nothing. The guys in the store don't have to,” she added.

She was a white girl, blond and attractive, as she said. She lived on the Upper West Side and went to a public school. She'd been a private school student until the year before, when her parents stopped being able to afford her tuition. Her father had been a top executive in a major corporation until he was laid off in the financial meltdown of 2008. When she changed schools, she said, she was faced with the problem of having to decide what to wear every day. At private school, she'd had a uniform.

“And I couldn't believe what the girls wore,” she said, meaning at her new school. “They dress like sluts. They wear, like, tube tops, bandeaux, and those high-waisted short shorts that show all your butt cheeks—excuse me, you're not at the beach. But if you don't dress like that you're considered weird, and you will get shunned. My mom sees me go out like this for school and she asks me like, What are you doing? To someone who isn't in your shoes, it's hard to understand.”

We sat down in the restaurant and ordered lunch. Sydney asked for a popover with strawberry butter.

I asked her why she thought this particular clothing style had come into vogue. “Everything on TV and websites tells you to look like this,” she said. “Like they say this is how to get a guy. I feel like it makes girls hate each other, to be honest,” she said. “Like girls aren't companions to each other anymore—everything is a competition. I think social media makes it worse.

“Everything is based off looks,” she said, “and how many likes you get. So like a lot of girls post pictures with literally nothing on, or bikini shots. They do way too many selfies, and it's like, You need to stop. Girls see that and then they want to compete for more likes and hotter pictures. Guys see that and then guys judge girls so much by the kind of photos they have up. Like on Ask.fm they say your name and ask, like, ‘smash or pass' ”—an intensification of hot or not, “smash or pass” asks whether or not someone wants to have sex with you. “And boys answer, ‘smash' or ‘pass,' ” Sydney said. “It makes you feel awful. I hate it.”

Did she think it affected how boys and girls acted toward each other when they dated? I asked.

“There's no such thing as dating anymore,” Sydney said. “I watch really cute, like, high school movies and we don't have that. It's so sad. Like I wonder, What's it like to go on a date?” She seemed to actually be asking. “There are couples,” she said, “but the way they get together is they hook up at a party and he'll ask for her number. They make out and then it goes from there.”

So the first contact they have is making out? I asked.

“Yeah,” she said. “It all starts with hooking up. There are a lot of parties. Kids pretty much just go crazy at other people's houses when their parents aren't there. And sometimes somebody will rent out a space and get a DJ. People hook up with more than one person; the guys try to hook up with as many girls as possible.”

At one party? I asked.

She said, “Yeah. The boys have lists and stuff. This kid in my grade has this list of ninety-two girls he's hooked up with.”

I asked if that ever seemed awkward, hooking up with more than one person at the same event.

“It's like dark and there are a hundred kids there,” Sydney said, “so it's not considered a big deal. Hooking up is just making out. But it's not like they know each other. The ‘in' thing for girls to do is to really just go nuts at parties, just go insane. They feel like the more they drink and the crazier they act, the more guys will come to them; but no, they're just gonna abuse you.”

Crazy how? I asked.

“Dancing around, flashing their boobs. They just want the attention, to have everyone's eyes on them. I don't go to a lot of parties, but you're considered uncool if you don't go to parties like that,” she said.

“The big thing is theme parties. Like Pimps and Hos, Executives and Whores, or Business Slutty. The guys dress up in suits and the girls wear, like, nothing.” At a later interview, when these parties came up again, Sydney said she attributed their surge in popularity to
The Wolf of Wall Street.
“That movie is every guy's favorite movie right now 'cause they treat girls like prostitutes,” she said. At one point in the Martin Scorsese film, about the rise and fall of hard-partying '80s stockbroker Jordan Belfort, Belfort crows that with money, you can buy “better pussy.” “All the boys are saying it's so amazing,” Sydney said, “ 'cause there's so much nudity and the guys all rule and the women are just there to serve them. They all want to live like a billionaire, surrounded by beautiful naked women.”

Why did girls agree to dress up like hos? I asked.

“Boys think it's hot. Some girls just do whatever they think boys want,” she said. “Boys text them like, Come over, and girls will come over because if they don't the boys will call them a prude. And if you complain about it, you're a feminist and all the guys will run away from you. They'll say you're crazy.” What was wrong with being a feminist? “They make fun of feminists in TV shows and movies,” she said, “like in
Legally Blonde,
the feminist girl is an annoying lesbian. They make feminists look crazy, like they're so against men and angry.

“There
are
feminist girls,” Sydney said. “They express themselves, they stick up for themselves, and they, like, put feminist things on social media. But a lot of girls don't do that and I admit I'm one of them. 'Cause if you do, guys will say, You're PMS-ing. They're so cocky. They think they're so much better than us and smarter than us. But they're not. They're always at each other's houses doing nothing and smoking weed. They smoke weed before school. They have these crews with gangster names. It's ridiculous. They'll text you like, Heyyyyy. What are you doing tonight? What are you doing later? That means they want to hook up with you. They act so nonchalant.”

I asked her if kids she knew were having sex.

She said, “No. A lot of people I know haven't done that yet. That's when you have a boyfriend, you do that. Some girls do, but they wait until they actually like someone.”

What did girls do when they liked someone? I asked. How did couples become girlfriend and boyfriend?

“People stalk each other on Facebook,” Sydney said. “Some kids talk online. But some boys are talking to like twenty other girls. That's happened to me before. It sucks. It's so gross, just grimy. You go on Facebook and you see that a guy is flirting with another girl like she's his girlfriend. I know a lot of people who have gone through that. I don't know if it's considered ‘cheating,' 'cause it's just online, but you're leading the other person on; you're being mean.

“It totally affects me,” Sydney said. “I have trust issues. I don't trust people very easily.”

She said that she had been cyberbullied in sixth grade. It had happened on a social media site for little kids. “It was this thing where you create a profile of a cartoon character,” she said, “and this stranger started talking to me and saying really creepy things. I didn't know who it was at first. It turned out it was one of the girls at my school,” a Manhattan private school. “She was saying, like, all this sexual stuff. I don't even know how she learned how to talk that way. I was eleven years old and I didn't know how to respond. And then she and her friends took screenshots [of the conversations] and spread them around and started calling me a slut.

“I was completely traumatized,” Sydney said. “I had to switch schools.” She went to another private school then. “I became insanely insecure.” But nothing ever happened to the girls who bullied her. “I begged my mom not to bring the school into it. I didn't want to be that girl that tattletaled.”

And then a few years later, she said, she saw her bulliers on Facebook. “They kept stalking me and I was curious, so I friended them back.” That's when she found out that these girls had become “famous.”

“In New York every kid knows each other, and some kids are famous, she explained. “Everyone's obsessed with the feeling they have fame. They post pictures of themselves at certain parties. They friend certain kids. There's so much social climbing. A lot of kids are friends with certain kids who could help benefit them in some way, especially on the Upper East Side. Even at my school, there's like the certain crowd that I do not want to be a part of, but if you're not a part of it, you're nobody.”

She spoke of a girl who had social-climbed by liking “famous” kids' pictures on social media. “She liked her way to the top. She started getting invited to parties and then posted pictures of herself at the parties and now she's completely changed; she dresses so differently now—she dressed normal before and now she dresses so provocatively. She posted bikini pictures on Instagram and got like ninety-two followers in one day; it was mostly guys. She posted her fake ID to show that she likes to party and now she likes to get completely wasted.” Now this girl, who had been her friend, was friends with the girls who used to bully her, she said.

Her former bulliers were now two of the most visible girls in the Manhattan high school scene. They were the type of girls who “go clubbing with twenty-one-year-olds” and get invited to “events.” On her phone, Sydney pulled up the girls' Facebook accounts, where they had posted pictures of themselves partying in nightclubs and posing, hand on hip, Paris Hilton–style, surrounded by Euro-looking men. These pictures got a lot of likes.

“They think they're like the Kardashians,” Sydney said. “They promote themselves on social media and try and get endorsements.

“Girls like this, they wanna live too fast, and they experience way too much in way too little time,” she said. “They put everything on Facebook and Instagram 'cause if they show more things they're doing it looks cooler.” She said the names of some of the “famous” girls and guys “who do, like, insane amounts of drugs and stuff 'cause they have the money for it. The kids who have more money do more insane stuff 'cause they have the ability to and then they bring their friends into it.

“In Manhattan, there's so much wealth, there's so much one percent,” Sydney said. “It's all around you and you're constantly being reminded that you don't have things these other kids have. On social media, too. On Tumblr there's ‘The Rich Kids of Instagram,' which is these kids trying to show off their wealth, and it's so not okay, it's revolting, but it still makes me feel bad about myself—kind of like I'm not part of it.” She said it gave her FOMO.

The smug-faced teens of “The Rich Kids of Instagram,” a notorious Tumblr blog, had been widely mocked for posting over-the-top images of themselves reclining on private planes and posing beside luxury cars, holding up credit card receipts from five-figure shopping trips and popping bottles of Champagne on yachts. And yet the blog spawned an E! reality TV series,
#RichKids of Beverly Hills,
and a novel,
Rich Kids of Instagram: A Novel.
“I've taken so many [fucking, bleeped out] selfies on my cell phone today, it's like embarrassing,” a
#RichKids of Beverly Hills
cast member says in the first minute of the first episode of the show. As vulgar and silly as these characters may seem, their material display is not so different from the rich celebrities of Instagram who advertise their wealth in very similar ways. Kim Kardashian posts pictures of herself on shopping sprees, on yachts and private planes.

“I heard about this girl who webcams to get money to buy clothes,” Sydney said, grimacing.

“I hate high school so much.”