American Wife (39 page)

As we were wrapping up the book, I sat down and thought about all the lessons I'd learned over the past two years. I couldn't list them all, but here are a few:

Never complain about the price of a gift from your spouse—accept it with love and gratitude. You can't put a price on romance.

Take lots of videos, even of the mundane. You will forget the sound of your children's voices and you will miss your youth as much as theirs.

Celebrate every wedding anniversary.

Make time for dates. Hug your spouse every single morning. And always, ALWAYS, say “I love you.”

Believe in your partner.

When you hit hard times as a couple, take a weekend away or at least a night out. The times that you least feel like doing it are likely the times that you need it the most.

Write love notes to your spouse, your children, and keep the ones they give you.

Don't expect a miniature pig to be an “easy” pet.

Live life looking forward with a goal of no regrets, so you can look back without them.

Be the friend you will need some day.

Often the most important thing you can do for another person is just showing up.

Question less and listen more.

Don't get too tied up in your plans for the future. No one really knows their future anyway.

Laugh at yourself, and with life.

People don't change their core character.

Be humble, genuine, and gracious.

Before you get into business with someone, look at their history. Expect them to be with you for the long haul, even if you don't think they will be. If they aren't someone you could take a road trip across the country with, don't do business with them in the first place.

Real families and real sacrifices live in the fabric of the Red, White, and Blue; stand for the national anthem.

Whatever your gift is, bring it to someone else in their time of need. No gift—singing, writing, painting—is too small to share.

Give without expecting to get back.

People's greed will shock you. Their generosity will shock you more.

Be unconcerned with what others think of you. If you are a good person, someone will always love you, and someone will likely hate you, too.

If you punch someone in a bar, get it on video.

Be unapologetic about your faith in God, Country and Family.

Everyone grieves differently. Don't judge. And don't be afraid to ask about a loved one who has passed.

Don't expect perfection from anyone, especially yourself.

Learn when to let go of people who bring only pain.

Time and distance don't change true friendship.

There is far more good in the world than bad.

Don't have the first cigarette.

PTS is not an excuse for murder.

This country has many, many patriots in it; you are not alone.

Look for divinity everywhere—I promise you will see it.

Desperate people do desperate things.

Stress will age you

Exercise relieves stress better than smoking.

When people lie about you, taking the high road can suck.

Pain does not have to consume you. When it's unavoidable, respect it and let it have its place in your life without letting it take over.

God promises beauty through ashes. Give it time and you will see it.

Fame doesn't bring happiness. Living a good life does.

All makeup artists are not created equal.

Accept that you are human, and eventually you need sleep.

When I die, this will happen:

Chris will be the first thing I see. He'll be youthful, full of energy and that spry sense of mischief that always took me off my guard. I'll hug him and kiss him, and feel his warm breath on my neck. We'll walk over to a park bench—I'm sure they have those in heaven, right?—and we'll sit down and talk. I'll ask him about everything he's seen. I imagine we'll talk a long time, but that's fine—we'll have all eternity.

Until then, I have another mission. Many missions, in fact: I have to raise our kids. I have to tend to Chris's memory. I have the foundation and the different causes he and I believe in. There will undoubtedly be many petty annoyances to get through, problems that will take an undue amount of time and a ridiculous amount of emotional energy.

From the moment I learned the horrible news of Chris's death, people have asked what they could do for me. I have always had one simple answer:

Pray.

Pray that I will always hear Chris's voice.

Pray that I will always understand his spirit and be able to share it with the world.

Pray that I will continue crawling forward, on my belly if I have to, until the day comes that God anoints me with those he has saved.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Sometime in the spring of 2014, Jim and I began talking about doing this book. Peter Hubbard, who had been Chris's editor, was all for it, as were many other people at HarperCollins.

In fact, they may have been more enthusiastic than me. I was afraid of the stress working on it would cause. And I wasn't entirely sure anyone would want to read it.

I finally decided to write the book because I realized that if I did it, I wouldn't have to worry about forgetting. My memories would be there, in the book, in my notes, in the records of the conversations that helped shape the work.

I said before that
American Sniper
wasn't therapeutic for Chris; it meant reliving a lot of very nasty things, and getting back in touch with his dark side after having done so much to go beyond it. But this book has been a different experience for me. I feel it's the start of a new phase of my life, one where I can not only continue to remember Chris, but where I can carry on a mission that he would have wanted.

No one will ever know my story in its entirety, but I can at least preserve the essence.

I have learned over time that I cannot fight every battle; I can't keep every friend. Some days, the best I can achieve is to get out of bed.

Other days, I feel as if can accomplish
everything.

I don't know what my life will look like after this book comes out. People say it will change. I don't know if that's true. I know that the core of who I am won't change, though of course we all change in big and small ways as we live our lives.

From the spring of 2014 until just before publication, Jim and I spent hours and hours on the phone talking, as well as conducting some interviews in person and simply “hanging out” as we gathered material for the book. Everything here is from memory. While dialogue has been used, it is approximate; too much time has passed to have the exact quotes.

With very few exceptions, we have avoided using the full names of people who helped me, out of a concern for their privacy. It should also be said that there were many, many more people along the way who helped me get to where I am now. There simply wasn't room to write about everything everyone did, to mention all of the contributions that family and friends made to my well-being, or to talk about all of the strangers who through their kindness helped keep me going.

I have many people I'd like to thank. Their names would fill a book several times this size. Here's a start:

Mom and Dad, thank you for raising me on a foundation of faith with the freedom to take it at my pace. Thank you for loving Chris and me both. Thank you for supporting us and loving us. You allowed us to be adults and put each other first, knowing our independence was no reflection of our love for you. You are extraordinary role models for parents of adult children. My humor, my ability to forgive, my commitment to marriage, and my belief in family comes from you. I remember the day you told me you both wanted to live in such a way that when you died, people would say they could count on you. You don't have to wait until then; you have consistently lived a life where others can count on you—none more than Ashley and me. I love you.

My precious children: your hearts, your humor, your patience with your mama, your insightfulness, faith and love—they all teach me, enlighten me, and make me believe it will always be worth putting one foot in front of the other. You are my most favorite of all time in the history of ever.

Ashley and Stewart (aka Uncle Poppy), you are two of the most generous people I know—I love you. There would be no book, no foundation, and certainly no sanity without you.

To Chris's parents, thank you for raising the love of my life. To Jeff and Amy, thank you for your love and support. I love you.

Any strength I have comes from the love and support of the following people who have never asked for anything in return. It is because of the following people that I have been able to climb out of the ditch every time I fall in (in absolutely positively no particular order):

Vanessa and Chet; Jennifer and V; Kim and Mike; Amy and Jay; Courtney and Craig; Melanie and Marcus; Sarah and Jarrod; Jocelyn and Brian; Leanne, Deanne, and Amelia; Raegan and Debbie; Brad; Shannon and Cary; Kara and Bert; Laurie and Trapper; Rich and LeeAnne; David and Katie; David Drez; Ed Huddleston; Sherri; Dennis and Donna; Rick K; Connor, Maddie, Karen and Mark; Bryan and Angela; Janine and Trent; Teresa and Walt; Deryck and Beth; Sean and Natalie; Danny; Jason and Elisha; Cheryl and John; Bill and Laura; Clint and Wendy; Kelly; René; Zane; Christine and Pepper; Gail and Marcus; Debra, Jim and Robert; Becky and Lee.

Lana Allen, Jason Kathman, Gerrit Pronske.

To all the people who have given their support and love, financially and in prayer, letters, and little gifts of encouragement. THANK YOU! I can't express enough how much you have blessed our family.

To the Stephenville jury, thank you for hanging tough and paying attention to the details.

At William Morrow/HarperCollins, our editor, Peter Hubbard, was supportive and kind beyond measure. His assistant, Nick Amphlett, was always a great help. Copyeditor Greg Villepique watched our p's and q's and so much more. A special thanks goes to our publicist, Sharyn Rosenblum, who was an early and continued supporter of this project. I am blessed to call Sharyn and Peter good friends.

To Jim DeFelice: What a tremendous blessing to have had your skill, your humility, your compassion, and grit with
American Sniper, American Gun,
and now
American Wife
. With Chris and me both, you have been friend, writer, counselor who has laughed with us through the tears. You have taken on more work for less money and recognition than anyone probably should. With every New York snowfall, I think of you wielding a stogie, a beer, and a snow blower . . . life as a writer is good—except when your Yankees lose. I am honored to know you and to work with you. I look forward to our next literary adventures!

To everyone who read
American Sniper,
saw the movie, and had a dialogue about our veterans and first responders. Thank you.

To the veterans of all our wars—Vietnam and all others—as well as our first responders and their families: Thank you!!!

COPYRIGHT

All photos courtesy of the author, unless otherwise noted.

AMERICAN WIFE
. Copyright © 2015 by 300 Spartans, LLC. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

FIRST EDITION

ISBN 978-0-06-239808-6

EPub Edition May 2015 ISBN 9780062398109

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