An Act of Love (12 page)

“Emily, what about Bruce?” Linda implored.

Emily lifted her tear-streaked face toward her mother. “You want to know? All right, I’ll tell you! It’s all your fault, anyway!”

“What’s all my fault?” Linda asked.

“Bruce raped me!” Emily spat. She was overcome with shuddering sobs.

Chapter Ten

Linda and Owen
looked at each other, dumbfounded. Dr. Travis reached over to a small table holding a box of tissues and handed the box to Emily, who tore them from the box and pressed them to her face.

When Emily’s sobs had subsided, Linda leaned forward. “Honey, I don’t understand.”

Hugging herself, Emily looked at her mother. “It’s all your fault. You went away. You left me there.”

“Emily,
when
?”

“When you and Owen were at that writers’ conference at the end of August.”

“Em, we’ve left you and Bruce alone before,” Linda said. “And we were only gone three days.”

“Yeah, well that’s long enough. Long enough to be raped more than once.”

“More than once?” Linda could hardly take in what Emily was saying. At the same time she could not stop staring at her daughter’s hands. Emily was clawing herself, repeatedly dragging the jagged ends of her fingernails deep into the skin of her hands and arms, leaving reddish welts. “Emily, your hands, honey.”

Dr. Travis seemed to shake her head once, briskly, at Linda. At the same time, she said to Emily, “Go on. Start at the beginning. Tell us everything.”

“It was terrible. He was so mean.” Emily was trembling. As she spoke, her left thumb dug deep into the skin around her right thumbnail. She found a tiny tab of skin and grabbed it and pulled. And pulled. A transparent sliver of skin came away.

“Tell me, Emily. Please.”

“That first night, I thought he was just, oh, you know, like, being friendly.” A scarlet blush mottled her neck and chin.

“The first night.”

“The first night you were gone. The first night you left me alone with him.” She took a deep breath, and now the words poured out. “We watched a video and then I went to bed and he came into my room. I was almost asleep. I was just under a sheet. It was
hot. You know. And he lay down next to me, but on top of the sheet. Just sort of threw himself down next to me like we were watching TV, except on the ceiling. You know.”

“I know.”

“He kept touching me. I mean we were talking about school starting and stuff and he said that Terry had a crush on me and I told him Cordelia had a crush on him. And he just, well, first he turned on his side and kind of bumped into me with his, um, against my leg, and he put his hand on my arm near my breast. Touching my breast. I pulled away. Told him I was sleepy. After a while he left.”

Owen interrupted. “If
that’s
all—”

“The next night he raped me.” Emily stared at her stepfather. Her entire body shook. “I know what
rape
is. He came in my room and this time he got under the sheet, just like it was normal, and I go, ‘Hey, Bruce, what are you doing?’ and he goes, ‘Take off your clothes.’ And I said no and pushed him and suddenly he was like, strong, and
mad
. He held me down with his arms and hands and I twisted and tried to kick him and he shoved me down into the mattress and tore off my pants, and I was just wearing a big white T-shirt and underpants. I screamed at him to stop—”

“Take your time,” Dr. Travis said.

Emily’s forehead creased in anguish. “I yelled, ‘Bruce, don’t be so rough, you’re scaring me. I didn’t know you wanted, I didn’t know you liked me!’ ” Emily’s eyes flew to Linda’s. “ ’Cause I always thought, whenever I saw a scary show? How if that happened to me I could talk them out of it? So I thought I could talk Bruce out of it, but he said—” The next words were distorted by sobbing.

Linda asked, “What did he say, Emily?”

“He said, ‘
Like
you! I hate you, you fucking bitch!’ ” Shuddering, nearly retching, Emily said, “Then he stuck his penis in me really hard and fast and I was screaming no but he held me down.”

For a few moments the three adults sat aghast while Emily sobbed.

“Then what happened, Emily?” Dr. Travis asked.

Emily struggled to control her breathing. “When he was through he just got off me. I pulled the sheet up over me. He said, ‘If you tell Dad and Linda, they won’t believe you. And I’ll make it hell for you at Hedden.’ ”

“Oh, sweetie,” Linda said.

“I waited till I heard him shut his bedroom door. I ran into the bathroom and
locked the door and stayed there all night. The next day I called Rosie to see if she could use me for a baby-sitter. I said I’d do it for free, my last chance to be with Sean before I left for school, but she said no, Sean was sick, I shouldn’t come over. So I took food and went out in the woods and stayed there and read all day and that night I took a blanket and hid in the barn, but he found me, and he laughed at me. He goes, ‘You stupid little sack of shit, don’t you know I’ll always be able to find you? This is my farm.’ And … he did it again. He raped me again. I was crying and fighting the whole time. When he was through, he went up to his room. And I stayed there till you and Owen came home.”

Linda remembered returning to the farm on that brilliant day. Summer was not yet gone, but there had been an autumnal clarity and a light to the air, as if the landscape were gilt-edged. Owen and she had spent three nights together in a cabin in Maine at a writers’ conference, and three days of talking with other writers about their work. They were closer than they’d been in a long time, and happier. It had been really idyllic, the romance of the ocean, the luxury of all meals prepared, no housework looming, the exhilaration of discussing their work, the pleasure of talking with people whose lives were centered on books.

Linda had been hoping that Bruce and Emily had finished packing and organizing their things for the new semester at Hedden. She’d been hoping that they’d done the dishes and left the house in a reasonable state of disorder. She’d been wondering what was in the freezer she could thaw out for dinner.

Where had Emily and Bruce been? The horses had ambled up to the fence and bobbed their heads and Maud had waddled out to greet them.

Linda thought hard: Bruce was in his room, grumbling over his laundry, and Emily was in her room, yes, that was right. They hadn’t come down to say hello or ask how the conference had been, and Linda had just assumed they were preoccupied, thinking of the next day, when they would leave for school.

Now Emily lifted her face to her mother. It was a terrifying, heartbreaking sight, so contorted with emotion, her lips pulled down and back in a hideous grimace, saliva bubbling as she wailed, “Mommy, he
hurt
me!”

Linda rose and in three steps was next to her daughter. Bending over, she wrapped herself around Emily and held her as she cried. “Oh, baby,” she murmured, stroking her back.

“Emily, why didn’t you tell us this before now?” Owen asked.

“Yes,” Linda agreed. “You should have told us the moment we got home.”

Emily cringed. She dug at her hands. “I was embarrassed. I was afraid of what Bruce would say. I didn’t want to make you guys unhappy. I thought if I got pregnant, then I’d have to tell you. I made a deal with God that I wouldn’t tell you if He wouldn’t make me pregnant.”

Linda’s knees went weak. “Are you—”

“No.”

Linda reached for her chair and sank back down into it.

Softly Owen asked, “Why are you telling us now, Emily?”

“Because I don’t know what else to do. Because Thanksgiving is here and I don’t want to go back to the farm anymore. It scares me.”

“The farm scares you.”

“Yes. Because of what Bruce did.”

Owen cleared his throat. “Are you sure … are you sure it was rape?”

Linda said,
“Owen.”

Emily leaned forward, hands clenched into fists. “You see, Mom! You see how you let him talk to me? How you let him speak to me?
I hate you both!
”

“Emily, please, we’re just trying to understand …”

“
I fought him
. I yelled and told him no, and tried to get away, but he held me down.
He hurt me
. He told me he hates me.”

Linda shook her head as if to clear it. “I can’t take it in. It’s impossible.”

“It’s the truth!” Emily yelled.

“I’m not implying that you’re lying, Emily,” said Linda hastily. “It’s just that this is so
difficult
to believe. It’s like hearing that the world is flat.” Looking at Dr. Travis, she continued, “Bruce is a
nice
boy. He’s always been easygoing. A really good kid. He’s never been violent before, not that we know of. Perhaps he was rough with Emily when they were playing when they were children, when we first all moved in together, but nothing like this … I don’t understand.”

Owen looked at his watch. “Perhaps he hasn’t left Hedden yet. What if I go get him and—”

“Owen, I’m sure they’ve left by now. Whit said the limo was on the way.”

“All right then. Look, Bruce returns Sunday night,” Owen told Dr. Travis. “Is there any chance we can have a meeting then?”

“I’m afraid not,” Dr. Travis replied. “The soonest would be Monday morning.” She flipped through an appointment book. “Ten o’clock. Would Bruce be allowed to leave classes?”

“I’ll make sure he is.”

“Go ahead,” Emily said bitterly. “Ask your precious Bruce what
I did
that made him rape me!”

“It’s not that,” Linda said. “We just … we just need to hear what he has to say.”

“Yeah, and you’ll believe him and not me. You only care about him. Your perfect Bruce. You hate me for telling you, don’t you?”

“God, no, Emily,” Linda said. “Honey, we don’t hate you. We’re just so completely shocked.”

All at once Emily was overtaken by a yawn so enormous her whole body spasmed with it.

Dr. Travis said, “I think this would be a good time to break for the day. It is tremendously hard work, dealing with these powerful memories and emotions. Telling you—telling you
both
what happened took incredible courage. It was a significant step for Emily, and a necessary one.”

“Honey,” Linda said, “Bruce is in New York for Thanksgiving. If you could come home …”

“I want to stay here.”

“Shall I come in? Take you out to dinner at the Academy Inn …”

Emily shook her head.

Dr. Travis interceded. “Emily is dealing with a trauma. You wouldn’t expect her to go out with a broken leg. She needs rest, and she needs to work on healing in a safe place, with people trained to help her.”

“I understand that, but can’t I do
anything
?”

“Trust us. Let her rest.” Dr. Travis rose and opened the door. “Emily, you probably would like a nap.”

Emily yawned again and stood up. When her mother rose to embrace her, Emily recoiled, turning her shoulder toward her mother. Emily’s face was dark, sullen. Owen had arisen, too, but he stopped dead, warned away by the anger in his stepdaughter’s eyes.

Linda said, “I love you, Emily.”

“I do, too,” Owen said.

“Yeah, right,” Emily muttered, and went out the door and down the corridor to her room.

After a moment of uncomfortable silence, Owen said, “She’s angry with me.”

“She’s angry with you, and her mother, and Bruce, and herself,” Dr. Travis replied. Opening the door again, she led them out into the hall. “I have some brochures in the other room that might be of assistance to you.”

They followed her to her office and stood awkwardly just inside the door, as obedient as drugged creatures. Dr. Travis closed the door and motioned them toward chairs.

“I can’t understand this,” Linda said. “It’s too much. Too terrible.”

“Sit down,” Dr. Travis said. “Let’s talk a moment. I know this is difficult for you both. And I imagine it’s going to get worse for a while. You might want to get a therapist for yourselves.” Turning, she picked up some brochures from a shelf behind her desk. “I’d like you to take these home with you and read them. They might help you; they might help you in understanding what has happened to Emily.”

Owen stared at the brochures in Dr. Travis’s hand. Printed in black and white with vivid purple graphics of a hand on a wrist, they hurt his eyes.

After You Are Raped

When Someone You Love Has Been Raped

Taking them would seem an act of conviction. It would mean that he believed Emily had been raped by his son.

Linda looked at Owen, then reached out and took the brochures. “Thank you.”

“One more thing,” Dr. Travis said evenly. “A common reaction among men whose loved ones are raped is anger. Intense anger.”

“I’m not angry,” Owen said. “I’m just … completely bewildered. I can’t believe that Bruce … that Bruce
raped
anyone.”

Dr. Travis asked, “Is there any reason why we should not believe Emily? For example, is she a habitual liar? Or has she lied about a truly significant matter in the past?”

Linda said, “No.”

“Has she ever attempted suicide before? Or done anything to act out, such as running away from home? Any extreme, attention-seeking behavior?”

Linda and Owen shook their heads.

“What about sexuality? Have you discussed it as a family?”

Linda and Owen looked at each other. Linda said, “As the children were growing up, we talked about it. Of course. Where babies come from, how they’re made. Then, later, we talked about contraception, and diseases, AIDS, herpes, and so on.”

“How about emotions? How about feelings of desire? Inappropriate feelings of desire?”

Owen said, “I’m not sure I follow.”

“Human sexuality is a complicated thing,” Dr. Travis said. “Research shows that in stepfamilies, inappropriate sexual feelings are common. There is nothing
wrong
with them, but they should not be acted upon. The incest taboo applies in stepfamilies as well as in families. Perhaps you have seen or sensed that Emily has had a crush on her stepbrother. Has been in love with her stepbrother.”