An Act Of Murder (13 page)

When police searched the Hrickos' house on February 23, 1998, they discovered a journal that Steve had written in the weeks before he died. Steve's writings painted a picture of a man desperate to do whatever it took to make his marriage work—a man worried about his wife's feelings, even as she was seeing another man and planning his murder.

In an early morning journal entry on January 21, 1998, Steve said he felt terrible, like he was going to die, even though he felt hopeful the previous day. Steve also said he felt like he had ruined his life as well as Kim and Sarah's lives and he was afraid Kim was going to leave him as soon as he got his depression under control.

“I feel she doesn't understand how deeply I love her—I mean real love. I am afraid I won't get the chance to make the marriage right,” Steve said, adding that all his fears stemmed from his depression.

Steve said he finally understood the pain he had caused Kim and said he never wanted to make anyone feel like he did again. However, even though he said he had changed and enjoyed talking now, Kim didn't seem to be ready to trust him and try to get to know the new Steve—a sensitive, caring, affectionate man with an inner strength. Steve said he would never stop working, praying and fighting for Kim's love.

Later that day Steve said he felt better because Kim told him she loved him. He said he was even able to eat some cereal.

“I just talked to Kim and she said I love you. She may [have] just said that to make me feel better. I don't care. I never thought three words could cause such overwhelming joy,” he said. “I love her so much. Thank you, God.”

When Kim called Steve again that day and told him she loved him, he was beyond ecstatic. Just hearing his wife's voice made all Steve's problems disappear. He was so happy he wanted to run through the neighborhood yelling and screaming that Kim loved him. Steve said he was finally able to feel again and he knew that he loved Kim and Sarah more than he could say. He hoped that Kim would give him another chance to show her and their friends that he was more “than a quiet, big jerk.”

But Steve's good mood was shattered when Sarah told him that Kim wanted her to watch a show on divorce. Despite this setback, Steve said he was determined to keep working hard so Kim would love him again. Waiting for Kim to come home from work, Steve said that he felt so much better when she was with him.

In a January 27 journal entry, Steve said he and Kim hadn't made love in almost a month. Steve said he wanted to hold and kiss his wife, but not in a sexual manner. He just wanted to feel her body against his. However he knew that he couldn't push her into any type of a relationship. He just had to wait and believe that someday she would love him again.

Steve said he felt like two different people—the guy he was before and the guy he was now and he hated that other person. Steve believed that the other Steve ruined his life as a husband and a father and he was sure the new Steve would be a good husband and he prayed Kim would understand. However, Steve was afraid he had already thrown away his chance at a happy life.

In his journal Steve wrote that he really needed some kind of affection from Kim—a hug when he didn't expect it, or the touch of her hand. He said that although he thought he was getting stronger, he now felt weak and he hated feeling that way. Even though his doctor told him to forgive himself, he couldn't do it, especially since he had caused so much damage to everyone else.

Although Steve didn't expect Kimberly to tell him she loved him, he was very upset that he felt like he couldn't say those words to her. To survive, Steve said he needed to feel love, caring and tenderness from Kim.

“I will love Kim forever and don't care if we would never have sex again. I would trade sex for a night of holding each other and talking in a minute,” Steve said.

Steve was in a lot of pain and said he had no one to turn to. But even though he felt empty, he knew he had to stay strong for Sarah. Even if Kim didn't love him, Sarah did and he didn't want to hurt her.

Steve said that although the counselor he and Kim were seeing told him he had to learn to love himself, it was difficult to do especially since he had hurt the two people he loved most in the world—Kim and Sarah. He said he didn't understand how he could have acted in a way that truly hurt his wife and young daughter. He was having a hard time dealing with the fact that he had hurt them so much. Maybe if he understood why he acted the way he did, then he could begin to forgive himself. Steve said he wanted to tell Kim that he was sorry and that he loved her so much and wanted to make everything right between them.

Steve said he had a good day at work, especially since Kim called him there around 1:00
P.M.
In the past, Steve had treated Kim as an inconvenience, but now just hearing her voice was special to him.

In his journal Steve admitted that he had many questions but no answers. And Kim, the person he'd always looked to for love and support, wasn't there for him.

“It's funny how people take things for granted and then it's too late,” Steve said. “If anything, I have learned that I won't take the people in my life for granted ever again.”

Steve said he feared losing Kim. Even though he now understood what love meant, he couldn't share it with Kim because of what he had done to her in the past. He also said he knew before he could make the other people in his life happy, he had to be happy himself. Recently he felt happy, and he wanted to continue to feel that way, he said. Steve prayed that Kim could understand his depression and forgive him so they could start fresh. He hoped time would heal all wounds, but he was afraid that the counselor and Kim would tell him the marriage was over and he needed to move on. If that happened, Steve said he would be devastated.

All Steve wanted was to make Kim happy. He wanted to be able to talk to her and hear her laugh. At this point in his life he needed affection and tenderness, but not sex. In the past sex was the only way he could express his love for Kim, but now all he wanted was to tell her how much he loved her. He wanted to feel all the emotions he had kept locked up inside, but he knew Kim was not ready yet. So he decided to be patient and continue to believe that she still loved him.

“God I hope these pills kick in. The doctor said they won't solve my problems but maybe I will be able to deal with them better,” he said.

Steve said he was trying to take one day at time—something he said was easy because he really didn't think that he had a future. He lived for the day when Kim would tell him she loved him before he said it to her. He also dreamed of the day when she would ask him to go out with her and her friends. Holding on to those dreams helped Steve survive each day.

In his journal entry for January 29, Steve said he and Kim had been to see their counselor, but Kim spent most of the time alone with her. While he waited for Kim's session to end he sat in the waiting room worrying about what they were saying to each other. He was frightened that Kim and the counselor would decide that he and Kim should end their marriage.

Although Kim told him not to worry about the future, he couldn't help thinking that she was going to meet someone else. He understood that a lot of men would be attracted to her because she was such a good person—something he didn't think he was. Steve said he knew no one could love him until he loved himself, but most of the time he hated himself. He hoped that someday he would be able to like himself. But at this point, fear and confusion were ruling his life.

“Last night Kim told me she was proud of me and she loves me. That meant the world to me,” Steve said. “But I am confused [because] she almost never says it anymore. Sex is non-existent anymore [
sic
]. That will take time and I am willing to wait.”

On February 1, Steve said he recently tried to make love to Kim, even though he knew she wasn't ready yet. Now he felt weak and helpless and very guilty. Kim told him it turned her off that he was so needy. But he couldn't help it. All the feelings he had kept bottled up over the years were now bursting out of him. The problem was that Kim couldn't return his feelings. But he said he was willing to wait even though he wasn't sure about his future with Kim. But he wouldn't blame Kim if she decided to leave him. He said if he didn't believe that he was a loving person with a lot to offer Kim and Sarah, he'd just leave them.

Steve said he hurt so badly he didn't know how much longer he could make it. He knew that Kim needed someone who was strong and it was taking every bit of strength he had just to go on. He said he wouldn't blame her if she left him that day because of all the pain he caused her. But if she gave him time, he knew she would love him again.

Steve knew he had to back off and give Kim some space, but he said it was difficult, especially since he thought of her constantly. He said he used to think of himself as a big, strong man, but now he knew he was a coward for bottling up his feelings. He said he was so confused he didn't know how to act anymore. All he was sure of was his love and passion for his family.

Although Steve was scared, he was still trying to be strong. But it was hard. His sorrow was overwhelming and he couldn't control it. He tried not to feel guilty about the past, but he just couldn't help it. Knowing he had hurt Kim, the most wonderful woman in the world, was eating him up. All he wanted was to be happy and make Kim happy as well.

Steve prayed that Kim believed him when he told her wanting to go to bed with her wasn't sexual. He just wanted to hold her body against him. He wanted to touch her and smell her body. In the past, Steve said he used sex just for personal pleasure, but now he wanted to share that with Kim so she could understand the deep emotional bond he felt for her. Steve promised to be patient and work hard forever because he knew he had a lot to offer people, especially Kim and Sarah. He knew he was special and he prayed that Kim would soon realize this fact. But even though he loved her deeply, he knew he couldn't push his love on her.

“I fear that months away she still won't love me and now that I can express and show my feelings I need someone there to share them with me,” Steve said. “She says she loves me and I believe her—she needs time. If she only knew what her calling me or holding my hand meant to me. There are no words to express my feelings.”

On February 9, less than a week before he was murdered, Steve wrote in his journal that life at home was improving and he was looking forward to Valentine's weekend at Harbourtowne with Kim. He said he was worried about Kim because she had bronchitis as well as blood in her rectum. He said he was very frightened because blood in the rectum can be a symptom of cancer. As far as Steve was concerned Kim's health came first and all he wanted was for her to be healthy.

Kim called Steve twice at work on February 9 and told him she loved him before he told her. This made him very happy. Steve said he had a hard time concentrating on work when all he cared about was his family.

Steve said he and Kim had not made love yet, and even though he wanted to, he said he would wait as long as it took because he loved her so much. For the first time, Steve said he knew what it was like to really be in love.

In his February 12 journal entry, Steve said Kim came home around 9:30
P.M.
and accused him of trying to send her a message by locking the door and turning off the lights. But Steve said he did those things because he had gone to bed. Kim was in a bad mood when she got home and didn't even say hello to him. He was upset and didn't feel like he deserved to be treated so badly. Steve said he wanted the marriage to succeed but he refused to put up with this kind of treatment—the same kind of treatment she put up with from him.

“I eventually will need more from her. This weekend will tell me a lot about her feelings. We haven't had sex for two months and I have been very patient but at some point she must let me be close to her,” Steve said.

During their investigation police also found some letters Steve had written to Kim showing how much he loved her and how much he wanted to make her happy. But all the time Steve was professing his love for Kim, she was professing her love for Brad Winkler.

In one letter Steve professed his undying love for Kim and told her he hoped she would always be his wife. He told her that, whether she believed it or not, she was the sexiest woman in the world to him—as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside. He said he noticed that she was working on improving her appearance and that it intimidated him because he was so flabby and out of shape. He told Kim that he knew that any guy in the world would love to be with her and he worried that someone would take her away from him. He said he had to fight with himself all the time so he wouldn't be jealous and he could believe that she loved him as much as he loved her. Steve said no matter what happened in the future, he would always love her and stay faithful to that love.

In another letter Steve told Kim he was working hard to change so he could be the kind of husband she had always wanted. Steve told Kim it hurt so much to see her cry, especially knowing he couldn't erase the pain he'd caused her. But remembering it would help him in the future, he said. Steve said he knew he was pressuring Kim way too much, but he wanted her to understand that he was a special person with a lot to offer. He said he was beginning to forgive himself for hurting her, but he would never forget that fact. Remembering would help him become a better person.

Steve told Kim he would back off and let her discover her own feelings and not try to force his feelings on her. He said he believed that someday she would see that she had a strong husband who was capable of expressing all his feelings to her.