An Ideal Wife (26 page)

“Look through the peephole?” Chester asked uncertainly, and I nodded.

He sighed wearily and walked over to the door. “It’s a man,” he said.

“A man in black with sunglasses on?” I asked worriedly. “What’s he wearing?”

“A pretty cheap suit, far as I can see.” Chester shrugged. “And there’s a girl with him. Hey, I recognize her. Karen. No, Caroline. Your assistant.”

“Caroline?” I looked at him dubiously. “Are you sure?”

“Hey, she’s your assistant. You take a look,” Chester said impatiently. I ran to the door.

“It is Caroline,” I gasped. “And Eric.”

“Eric? Who the hell’s Eric?”

Giles, Helen, and my mother had all appeared in the hallway with worried expressions on their faces. “Eric?” they asked in unison.

“Eric.” I nodded helplessly. This was the last thing I needed. I’d planned my whole conversation with Chester, the one where I’d tell him that I’d screwed up, that it wasn’t Max’s fault, that if there were any problems with the audit I took full responsibility. Having Eric show up out of the blue was so not part of the plan. “Look, maybe you should all go back to the sitting room,” I said.

“Why?” Chester’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Who is this Eric?”

Biting my lip, I said, “Chester, Eric is the auditor, and if he knows you’re here it’ll … well, it’ll confuse client–auditor relations.”

“It will?” Chester asked. “How?”

“Oh, Chester, just do as Jess says and let her get rid of him,” Mum said impatiently, and ushered everyone into the sitting room, leaving me to open the door.

“Jess,” Caroline breathed as she rushed through the door and gave me a hug. “Eric told me about the interview. He’s come to say sorry, haven’t you, Eric?”

She looked at Eric pointedly; hanging his head, he walked in behind her.

“I am sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

I stared at him. “You came all this way to say that? How did you even know where I was?”

“I guessed,” Caroline said with a shrug. “Eventually, I mean. We tried your apartment first and then the hospital. Actually, it was Max who said to come here. He gave us the address.”

“Max?” I felt my heart thud. “You saw Max?”

“Yes,” Caroline said. “Didn’t we, Eric?”

Eric nodded sheepishly.

“How was he?” I asked nervously. “Was he really angry with me?”

“Angry with you?” Caroline looked at me. “No, not at all. He said to tell you something.”

“He did?” I asked apprehensively. “What?”

Caroline frowned. “Oh God, what was it? Eric, can you remember?”

Eric shook his head.

“Oh, come on. You must remember!”

Caroline closed her eyes. “He said … he said …” Then she opened them again. “I remember!” she said triumphantly.

“So what was it?” I asked, holding my breath.

“He said he’d tell you himself,” she said happily.

I sighed. “Great. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome!” Caroline beamed.

Eric was looking around the hallway, wide-eyed. “This is your house?” he asked. “It’s got a coat of armor.”

“Yes, it does,” I said. “So that’s it? Is that what you came all the way down here for? To say you’re sorry?”

Eric smiled. “Actually,” he said nervously, “I was hoping you’d do me a favor.”

“A favor? Seriously?” My eyebrows shot up into my forehead. “What is it with people wanting favors today?”

Eric cleared his throat. “The thing is, I …” He looked over at
Caroline, who nodded in encouragement and mouthed something at him. “The thing is, I didn’t mean to be so harsh. I really need this job. And if you tell Chester Rydall I made you cry, and he tells Josh, then I’ll be out of a job, and I need the money.”

I frowned. “Josh will fire you if he finds out you made me cry? But surely he’ll think you were just being thorough.”

Eric grimaced uncomfortably. “Josh says the audit should be a pleasurable experience for all concerned. Making people cry doesn’t quite fit with that.”

I thought for a moment. “Okay, but I didn’t cry because of you. It was more about my own issues,” I said. “However, I wouldn’t say you made the audit pleasurable for me. I mean, you’ve been quite horrible.”

It felt great being so honest. Eric looked slightly green.

“I know,” he said miserably. “I didn’t mean to. I just … got a bit carried away with the character.”

“With the character?” I looked at him closely. “What character?”

“The auditor character.” Eric’s voice changed suddenly, becoming deeper, more resonant, with a slight Midlands accent. “Look,” he said heavily, “the truth is, I was a car salesman until a few weeks ago.”

“A car salesman?” I stared at him suspiciously. “What are you talking about?”

“It’s true.” He shrugged helplessly. “I was making good money, too. I had this great character, Eric the salesman. I had a cheap shiny suit and referred to women as ‘ladies.’ But no one’s buying cars at the moment, so I got laid off; the next day I saw this ad for ethical auditors, and I thought, you know, what the hell?”

I held up my hand. “Wait,” I ordered. “Let me get this straight. You were a car salesman? You had no auditing experience whatsoever?”

“None,” Eric said with a sigh. “I met this guy Josh, who said he
had this great way of making money. He put me on a two-day training course, and you were my first assignment. I thought it would be good to be tough, you know? I thought it would be more authentic. I’m an actor, you see? That’s my real vocation. The other jobs only pay for acting classes and for food and rent. My ethical auditor was one of my best characters, I thought. I believed in him. It just felt right, him being an arsehole, you know?”

I didn’t say anything for a while. Then my eyes narrowed. “You have got to be kidding me. Caroline, he’s kidding me, right?”

“No,” she said, looking at me awkwardly. “He only told me today. He’s really nice actually, Jess.”

“And I’m going to tweak the character. You know, make him more of a mellow guy,” Eric said seriously. “Still on top of things but less aggressive. I thought maybe a bit like Columbo. The detective?”

“Columbo.” I nodded, my brain spinning. “Columbo sounds like a good way to go.”

“The voice should stay, though, right?” he asked. “The whole nasal thing. You believed I was an auditor with that voice, didn’t you?”

“I guess,” I said.

Eric sighed in relief. “Great. Okay, look, I’ve got lots to work with here. I know I can make this work. So you won’t tell Chester Rydall? Or Josh? You’ll keep it between us?”

“Won’t tell Chester Rydall what?” Chester asked, appearing suddenly. Eric’s eyes widened in alarm.

“Chester,” I said weakly. “You’re not meant to be here. You’re meant to be—”

“Um, Jess?” Giles said, suddenly appearing at my side and lightly touching my arm.

“Not now, Giles,” I said quickly.

“No, you have to listen,” he whispered, tugging at my arm insistently. “It’s your father … Lawrence … Well, he doesn’t want
to be in the pantry anymore. He wants to talk to your mum. He’s getting a bit antsy so I had to lock the door.”

“Oh God,” I said.

Giles nodded. “Just thought you should know. And Hugh’s not very happy, either. He says he needs to go to the hospital or else he’ll need plastic surgery on his nose. I told him that he’d be fine—he’s got amazing bone structure. In a way, a broken nose could make him even more handsome—you know, in a …” He caught my expression and trailed off. “Not handsome,” he corrected himself. “Not handsome at all. Only in the sense that he’s not ugly, that’s all….”

“What is going on around here?” Chester asked. “Why does everyone keep whispering and sending me off places?”

“Nothing! We’re whispering because …” I said, racking my brain for a plausible reason. And then it came to me. “Because we’re planning a surprise party!”

“A party? Who for?” Chester frowned.

“You, of course,” I said immediately. “It’s a welcome-home party!”

Chester’s frown deepened. “But you didn’t know when I was coming back. How could you have been planning a party for today?”

“Because …” I said, looking at Mum desperately.

“We didn’t plan it for today, of course,” Mum said, rolling her eyes. “Then you turned up and everything changed.”

Chester’s eyes lit up. “So that’s why you sent me out on a long stupid walk?”

“That sounds like a good reason, yes,” I said happily. “And it’s why I need you to go back to the sitting room now. We don’t want you seeing any more party guests, do we?”

“Eric and Caroline are party guests?” Chester asked, confused again. “I thought you were surprised when you saw them.”

“Yes,” I said, thinking on my feet. “But it’s a surprise party, remember? Full of surprises. Lots and lots of surprises.”

“I guess,” Chester said uncertainly.

“So we’re invited to the party?” Caroline asked excitedly. “Really? Oh, that’s so nice of you. Eric, didn’t I tell you how lovely Jess is?”

“Okay, then.” I clapped my hands together. “That’s all set, then. Chester, you go to the sitting room and … Mum, I need to talk to you. And Helen. And Giles.”

“Guess I’ll go on my own,” Chester said. “Unless you two would care to join me?”

Eric immediately resumed his nasal twang. “Yes, sir. I’d be delighted, sir. And I’m very sorry about the mix-up. I really am.”

“A party?” Mum said when she’d finally closed the door on them all. “We’re having a party now?”

“Don’t use that tone of voice with me,” I said indignantly, my mind whirring. “Dad is in the pantry getting agitated, and Hugh Barter has a bloody nose—”

Mum’s eyes widened. “Did you find out why he’s here?”

“Long story,” I sighed. “The important thing is that we get rid of Dad and hide the trunk, because the Russians are here.”

“Where?” Mum asked worriedly, looking around as though they might pop out from behind the curtains.

“I saw their Hummer on the road,” I said ominously.

“Well, we shouldn’t hide the trunk in the house, then,” Mum said briskly. “If they know you’re here, they’ll search the house. The best thing is if you take the trunk with Lawrence in your car and dispose of it.”

“How?” I asked, wrinkling my nose.

“Chuck it in the river for all I care,” Mum said firmly. “Just get rid of it. And Lawrence.”

“Fine,” I sighed. “Hel, Giles, would you help me get the trunk
into the car? Then we need to figure out how we’re going to convince Dad to leave.”

“Tell him
you
need a kidney?” Helen suggested archly.

“Take him sightseeing?” Giles recommended. “He’s been in America for years, hasn’t he? He’s effectively a tourist. We could take him to the Tower of London.”

“And lock him up in there,” Mum said.

I shook my head crossly. “That’s my father you’re talking about,” I said. “Okay, well, we’ll think of something. So, trunk?”

“Trunk,” Giles and Helen agreed.

I ran to the door and opened it slightly—there were two men standing there. Immediately I shut it again and turned around, my eyes wide with fear.

“What?” Mum whispered anxiously. “What is it now?”

“It’s them,” I gasped. “They’ve found me.”

“Who?” Helen asked, drawing back the curtains on the window next to the front door to take a little peek.

“Oh shit,” she said.

“Who is it?” Mum asked, her voice agitated. “I can’t see.”

“It’s them,” I said desperately. “It’s the Russians.”

“WHAT DO WE DO? They saw me. They know someone’s here.” I looked from Giles to Mum to Helen. I couldn’t breathe—panic was rising up my throat.

“I think the important thing is to stay calm,” Helen said, seeming anything but. “You think they followed us?”

I shook my head. “If they’d followed us, they’d have been here at the same time as us. Which means …” My forehead creased with worry. “They got this address from somewhere. They’re going to find me wherever I go.”

“Like the Terminator,” Helen said seriously as the doorbell rang.

I shot her an agitated look. “Hide,” I mouthed, and we all drew back from the window. “What the hell is in the trunk, anyway?” I wailed. “Why did Ivana have to give it to me?”

“Because she didn’t relish having these men following her around, I should think,” Mum whispered crossly as the doorbell rang again. “I’m going to call the police. It’s the only sensible thing to do.”

I sighed. Ivana hadn’t returned any of my calls—what else were we supposed to do? “Okay, call them,” I said.

Mum nodded brusquely, and we all ran down the hallway to the telephone outside the kitchen. She picked up the phone book and started to flick through it.

“Call ‘999,’” Giles said.

“That’s for an emergency,” Mum said. “We should call the local police station.”

“But this is an emergency,” I said. “They’re right outside. They’ve probably got guns.”

“Yes,” Mum said, “but the local police are closer and will be able to respond more quickly.”

“No,” Helen added, shaking her head. “They’ve all got radios. If you call 999, they’ll get in touch with the nearest patrol car.”

Mum considered this for a moment, then sighed. “Very well, I’ll dial 999.” She dialed, then waited a couple of seconds. “Hello?” She looked at us meaningfully. “Police. I would like the police, please.”