An Idol for Others (56 page)

He was trying to gather his forces to get up when Tom came bursting into the room, his erection waving jauntily in front of him. At least it was erect. Nothing had happened to make it subside. He was torn between anger and desire. Tom’s color was high, his eyes were shining, he looked triumphant and utterly irresistible.

“Where’ve you been?” he demanded, giving precedence to anger.

“With Jerry, of course.”

“You let him see you like that?”

“I could hardly help it, darling. We were both as naked as jaybirds and as hard as rocks. He says I’ve got a big one. How about that?”

“I’ve told you that,” Walter snapped.

“Oh, you. What do we know about it? We haven’t been around enough to make comparisons. He’s an expert. I’m pleased as punch. It’s going to stay like this forever.”

“Goddamn it, Tommy. I won’t have you running around showing your cock to everybody and letting people play with it.” He watched Tom’s high spirits dying and hated himself, but life wasn’t all high spirits. There were things they had to get straight between them.

“Don’t say things like that to me, darling.” Tom spoke quietly, with gentle reproach. “You won’t have it? Don’t try to scare me. I’ve been scared of my own shadow all my life. We’re together. Nothing can scare me now.”

“You don’t think you might do things that’ll make us stop wanting to be together?”

“No.” His voice immediately rose with conviction. “I can do anything I want because I know I’ll never do anything that’s wrong for us. Jerry and I give each other erections. We were both dying to see. We feel close to each other because of you. I put his cock in my mouth. Oh, I kissed him. That was it.”

Walter stared at him, incredulous. “You dare tell me you sucked his cock, and you say–”

“No, I’m not telling you that,” Tom cried. “I put it in my mouth. For a few seconds. Your son’s cock. Part of you. It was the most natural thing in the world. I knew you might come in. I didn’t do anything I can’t tell you. Your lover put your son’s cock in his mouth. It’s something your lover is inclined to do. It’s not a jawbreaker like yours. It happens that I find jawbreakers more exciting. Do you want to leave me for that?”

“I don’t want to leave you, Tommy.” He reached for his towel and hitched it around him. He went to where Tom had left his and picked it up and handed it to him. “Go on. Cover up for a while. I don’t want to feel like a member of the general public.” He ran a hand over his forehead and dropped back on the end of the bed. “All right, Tommy. Tell me about it. Try to make me understand. What’s it all about? What does Jerry mean to you?”

“What does Jerry mean? He’s yours. You made him. It’s like anything you make, a play you produce, the way you made the dining room out there. I love everything you’ve touched. His big cock makes him even more yours. That’s all. Oh, God, I sometimes wish you were a cocksucker. Maybe you’d understand. I don’t mean you don’t suck my cock very sweetly when you think of it, but that doesn’t mean you’re a cocksucker. Will you ever be gay?”

“Does being gay mean running after anybody who comes along?”

“Certainly not. It means understanding what men are like. Men without women to goad us. We’re animals. We’re curious but lazy. We’d rather make love than war. Holding a guy’s cock isn’t a love affair. It’s a simple instinct.”

“Just a minute. Let me tell you something. When I was sitting here wondering what in hell was going on, you running around stark ass and so forth, I thought some of the things you’re saying. I thought you might want to get him out of those damn see-through drawers. He was begging you to. I knew you wouldn’t do anything. I believe in you, Tommy. I know we’re animals, but we don’t have to behave like them. How would you like it if I started holding guys’ cocks?”

“I don’t know?” A small smile twitched at the corners of Tom’s mouth as he sat on the bed near him. “It’s so hard to imagine, I’d have to wait till you do it to find out. No, darling, of course I’d hate it. That’s not us. We’re talking about a special case. Jerry’s your son. The whole idea has me all steamed up. I know you have two other sons, but they’re a bit young, and as far as I know, you haven’t thought of going to bed with them. You have with Jerry. You still want to. That’s perfectly obvious. I saw the way you looked at him. I wasn’t jealous, because he’s yours and has nothing to do with your being attracted to a pretty boy. In case there’s any doubt in your mind, I intend us to be faithful, and I’ll fight like a wildcat if you get other ideas. Listen …” He paused. He felt that they might be headed for the sort of ultimate confrontation that he suspected they needed. Everything had been almost too perfect, too smooth, too easy. Walter had invented life without grit, without the abrasive quality that Tom knew couldn’t be avoided. Now that they’d had their honeymoon, he felt they should be locked in sweaty combat over some issue that hadn’t arisen. He wanted to provoke a holocaust of passionate commitment that would bind, weld, cement them together, prepare them for anything life might bring. Clara. Walter had slid out of his marriage; but he was glad to avoid any real showdown. His boat. He had kept it to himself and gone for secret sails to prove to himself that he could keep something of himself apart as Walter kept Clara, even though he’d left her. He wished Walter had insisted on going out on the boat or taken it out himself and risked his anger. Silly, trivial, but significant. He teased him about not being gay, and that was part of it. If he couldn’t accept himself, how could he accept his lover? They hadn’t got down into the muck and mire of life, and until they did he couldn’t be sure that they’d survive it. That was as close as he could come to expressing it to himself. His random thoughts about Jerry were coming into focus. Excitement stirred him. “All right,” he said urgently. “I’ll say all of it. You want Jerry. You admit that?”

“In a way. It’s sort of a fantasy. Nothing that I’d let touch us.” Walter hoped he was being honest. Jerry had an apartment in the city. The thought might have crossed his mind that they could meet easily without Tom’s knowing, but the notion was so fleeting that he had hardly been aware of it.

“But he’s your son,” Tom exclaimed. “God. To make love to somebody you’ve created. It must be one of the summits of human experience. I should think all parents would want to make love to their children, but they usually have to watch them grow up, and that must take the icing off the cake. How wonderful for you to have a son who’s a sexy stranger.”

“Fine. That’s one fantasy. I’ll tell you another. This afternoon I caught myself thinking about you and Jerry making love together. It was exciting.” The gaiety that had swept Tom into the room was being rekindled. He sat up straighter. There was a light in his eyes. He was slightly mad, but beautifully so. Walter was sorry he’d made him wrap the towel around himself. He wanted to look at all of him. He added firmly, “That doesn’t mean I’d want it to actually happen. Or allow it.”

“But, darling, it’s marvelous,” Tom burst out with a roll of laughter in his voice. “Maybe you’re gay after all. What a marvelous thing for you to think about I want him. I want him because he’s part of you. I want everything that’s you, but nothing could happen when you weren’t there. We both want him. We could make it part of us.”

“Are you suggesting a threesome?” Walter tried to convince himself that he was shocked. “As far as I’m concerned, love and sex have to do with two people. It’s not a spectator sport.”

“Why not? You want to see me with your son’s cock in my mouth. You do, darling. You’ve practically said so. I understand. I’ll give him a nice blow job for you. I know what you want. Our bodies are sort of alike. Your lover and your son. I’m wild to watch you take him.” He laid his forearm across his lap and leaned on it. “There it goes again. I have a big one. How about that? I told you it was going to stay like this forever.”

It was happening to Walter too, in spite of himself. Everything Tom said filled his mind with images of perverse delight. Could they play with this fire without getting badly burned by it? It drew him and terrified him. The fact that Tom was eager to accompany him, lead him along these strange twists of his psyche, opened up vistas of relationship that stunned and moved him. There was no limit to what they could give each other. “Are you sure we wouldn’t get into something that might change the way we feel about each other, Tommy? I’m not sure fantasies should be allowed out. Isn’t it dangerous to share some things?”

“Sure, but I’ll tell you. I’m not scared of anything anymore. I’m ready for danger if it gets us closer to each other.”

“And you think seeing each other make love to Jerry will make us closer?”

“Of course it will. I’ll bet you’ve already thought of meeting him in town when I’m not around. That might seem safe enough, but it would be the beginning of the end. We’re gay, darling. We’ve got to learn our own rules.” He had convinced himself that Jerry offered them the opportunity for a great flight of imagination that would bridge the distance that remained between them and bring them to a final meeting of spirits. He wanted to expose himself in ways he never had, hoping that Walter would do the same so that everything in them would be known and accepted. “You’ve made me all free and open. You’ve got to be the same. I don’t mind your still wanting Jerry if we can want him together.”

“You’re fairly breathtaking, Tommy.”

“Hold me, darling.” Tom stood and threw aside his towel. Walter followed suit, and they took a step to each other and put their arms around each other. “Talk about hard as rocks. You’re the rock of my life. You and everything about you and all of you. Let’s have a demonstration of how much we want each other.”

“Just remember, baby, whatever we do with him, if we seem to be getting into something that might hurt, I’m counting on you to call a halt to things.”

“Don’t worry. I could never hurt you.”

They had a very satisfactory demonstration and then went through the routine of preparing for the evening. Tom spent more time than usual on his hair. When he was done, he was looking very dashing. It was a vigorous tawny blond mane with a recalcitrant lock that threatened to fall over one eyebrow.

“I swear to God, Tommy, you get more and more handsome every day,” Walter told him.

Tom grinned and squeezed his hand. “I’ve got to keep up with the competition.”

They made a fire, and Tom started making preparations in the kitchen and got out things for drinks. They had fixed one for themselves when Jerry appeared. He had got his hair very much under control. It was glossy, with soft waves falling to his shoulders. He was dressed in white, a sheer cashmere turtleneck sweater and tight pants. His chains and bracelets gave him a festive party look. Walter saw immediately that he was wearing eye makeup, very subtly applied to give his eyes depth and mystery.

“My God. A vision has appeared before us,” Tom exclaimed. He went to him and kissed him lightly but familiarly on the mouth. He placed a hand with equal familiarity on the bulge of his pants. “Is all this really you?”

“You should know. I told you I like to show what I’ve got.” He glanced hastily at Walter. “Oops, have I spoken out of turn?”

“Of course not,” Tom said. “I told him all about our passionate love scene.” He put an arm around Jerry’s waist and swung around to face Walter. “He’s not new to you, but I find him a very decorative addition to our rough bachelor quarters.”

“He is, isn’t he?” Walter knew already that Tom had been right about getting everything out into the open. The tensions of the afternoon were gone.

Tom dropped his arm from Jerry’s waist. “Go kiss Daddy,” he ordered firmly.

Jerry laughed with a touch of astonishment. “That’s the first thing he ever said to me–that he was old enough to be my father. I remember, because it’s hardly what you expect when you’re trying to make out with a gorgeous man in a gay bar. Look at him. Can you imagine having that for a father? I’d have fallen for him the minute I emerged from the womb.” He went to Walter where he was standing in front of the fire and looked at him expectantly.

“You’re looking very special, sonny. I never would’ve dreamed you’d turn out so attractive.”

“There must’ve been something about me. You were the most fabulous lover I’ve ever had.”

“Thanks.” He put a hand on Jerry’s arm and urged him closer, and they kissed. The excitement of holding this new, glamorous son was more potent than anything he had felt with the 18-year-old boy. Jerry’s soft mouth was open to his, and for a moment he gave way to its seduction. Let Tom have some of his own medicine. Love for the foolish young man briefly raged in him. He squeezed his arm, and they broke apart. He looked at Tom. “Well?”

“Yeah,” Tom said with a tight little smile.

They settled on what Jerry wanted to drink, and Tom brought it to him. They toasted each other.

“I love being with you two,” Jerry said simply. “I think it’s going to be the nicest Saturday night I’ve had since I can remember. You know, you’re both much too attractive to’ve found each other. It’s one of those things that should happen but doesn’t. It’s in that new novel–it’s a big best-seller–called
The Lord Won’t Mind
. It’s about two beautiful boys who find undying love. Utter fantasy, but I love it.”

“Do you still think love is utter fantasy?” Walter asked as they settled down in front of the fire.

“No, of course not. It’s just almost impossible to make it work. What happens when you’re being pursued by one of the local gods, one of the great blond beauties they seem to manufacture here? I find that my feet turn to lead. It causes trouble in the home. I’m sure you two are pursued constantly. I hope you don’t develop ‘blond god’ problems.”

“Tommy says he won’t let us,” Walter said.

Tom leaned against the back of his chair and touched his hair. “I think we’ll know what to do about them, darling.” He sat beside Jerry on the sofa.

Conversation flowed. They finished their drinks, and Tom rose to replenish them. When he returned, he resumed his seat beside Jerry. They both suddenly reached out blindly to set down their glasses as they exchanged a look that had become electric, as if they were seeing each other for the first time. Tom moved a hand around Jerry’s waist and leaned to him and covered his mouth with his. Walter was immediately relegated to the sidelines. He watched their bodies strain to each other, and then Tom pulled back. He was wrenched by a sudden violent stab of desire for both of them. They were so touching together: Tom, manly and aggressive; Jerry, artfully yielding.