An Unexpected Cookbook: The Unofficial Book of Hobbit Cookery (7 page)

Filling:

3 large granny smith apples, peeled and cored

1 c / 340 g golden raisins

½ c / 170 dried figs, chopped

¼ c / 85 g dried cherries

¼ c / 85 g dried apricots

2 tbsp crystallized ginger

¾ c / 150 g brown sugar

¼ c / 55 g beef suet (if you can find it), butter, or coconut oil (for vegans)

1 orange, zested and juiced

1 lemon, zested and juiced

½ c / 120 ml spiced rum or brandy

1 tsp cinnamon

½ tsp nutmeg

¼ tsp allspice

¼ tsp ground cloves

In Tolkien’s day, this recipe represented a massive amount of work in the form of diligent chopping. Today, all that work has been reduced to one simple step. Put everything in a food processor and pulse 10-12 times, less if you prefer a coarser mixture. That’s honestly all you need to do. It’s almost embarrassingly easy.

If you don’t have a food processor but do have miraculous patience, you can always chop all the solids very fine by hand then mix them with the liquids.

Either way, let the final result sit in the fridge for at least 3 days. Thanks to the combination of alcohol and refrigeration, the mincemeat should keep for up to 6 months, so feel free to make plenty of it.

Crust:

3 c / 380 g flour

¼ c / 50 g sugar

1 tsp salt

1 c / 225 g butter (or 3/4 c / 170 g coconut oil for vegans)

¼ c / 60 ml water

¼ c / 60 ml apple juice

Mix the flour, sugar and salt until well blended. Victorian mincemeat crusts included cornmeal/maize flour, but since maize is a new world grain, Tolkien specifically prohibited it from the Shire. Add your fat of choice. If you were able to get ahold of some suet, adding 1-2 tbsp to the crust really enhances the flavor. Use your fingers to really work the fat into the flour mix until you have something that looks like edible gravel. Moisten it up with the water and apple juice until you achieve a dense, sweet pastry dough. Knead it a few times for good measure, then flatten it into a disc, wrap it in plastic, and leave it in the fridge for at least 15 minutes.

Once your dough has chilled, it’s time to start assembling your pies. You can always make one gigantic pie and serve it in slices or make portable pies using the same techniques as the hand pies in second breakfast. However, these bite sized mini pies are perfect for either Elevenses or a working man’s tea.

Spray a mini cupcake pan with nonstick coating. Once it's greased up, lightly flour your work surface and roll out about ⅛ of the dough. It’s easiest if you work in small batches. Aim for a ⅛ - ¼ inch / 3-5 mm thickness. You don’t want to make it too thin. This should be a hearty, satisfying couple of bites, not a dainty pastry. Use a round cookie cutter to cut circles from your dough. Tuck them neatly in the mini cupcake tin’s holes. Cut away any excess from the top.

Once you’ve made all your bottom crusts, fill them with about 1 tbsp of refrigerated mincemeat mix. Your mileage may vary depending on the size of your mini cupcake pan. Make sure to leave a little room at the top for the top crusts.

Roll out the last of your dough. Cut out top crusts for your tiny pies. You can use a simple circle or make a thick X of dough, but if you have any mini cookie cutters, leaves, moons, or other autumnal decorations make them look extra fancy for little added work. Whatever shape you pick, just make sure it doesn’t cover the top completely. You want to leave a little room for steam to escape while the pies bake.

Once your pies are filled and topped, pop them in a 400F / 205C oven for 18-20 min or until the tops are golden brown. It may be a struggle, but once you remove them from the oven, let them sit for at least 15 minutes to set.

These are delicious hot, but unlike most baked goods, they taste even better the next morning. That makes them great snacks for Elevenses when adventuring outside the shire.

VEGAN VARIATION

Substitute coconut oil or your preferred vegan margarine for the butter and suet. Instead of water and apple juice in the crust, use all apple juice to add to the natural sweetness and flavor. For the filling, increase all spices by 25% and add ½ tsp of salt and 1 tbsp molasses or dark treacle to make up for the missing animal fat flavors. It won’t taste the same, but it will still taste delicious.

This hearty bread is practically a meal unto itself. In celebration of Hobbits well known love of mushrooms, this is stuffed with mushrooms, onions, cheese, and English country herbs. It’s best fresh from the oven while the cheese is still runny, but the leftovers are almost as good served alongside supper to help soak up a hearty plate of mutton or venison gravy.

Dough:

1 ½ c / 300 g water

1 tbsp active dry yeast

4 tbsp / 85 g honey

4 eggs

½ c oil

6 ½ -7 c / 825 - 850 g bread flour

1 tbsp coarse salt

8 cloves minced garlic

1 tbsp fresh rosemary leaves

1 tsp fresh basil leaves, minced

Filling:

2 tbsp butter

2 c / 200 g sliced mushrooms

2 onions, diced

2 c / 250 g shredded mozzarella

2 cloves garlic in filling

1 tbsp rosemary in each

1 tsp basil

1 tbsp coarse salt

To make a loaf, start by dissolving your yeast in the warm water. Feel free to add an extra tsp of honey at this stage to help kick start your yeast.

Walk away for ten minutes. When you come back, the yeast should have bloomed so it looks like a mushroom cap rising up out of your bowl. It knows its fate.

Mix in the eggs, oil, salt, and the rest of the honey. When you achieve a soupy mass, add the minced garlic, fresh rosemary leaves, and fresh basil. It should smell delicious.

Now mix in the bread flour. Modern cooks with a stand mixer can attach the dough hook and let it knead away for 6-8 minutes. If you want to get a real feel for the period, knead it by hand for 8-10 minutes. The dough should be soft, pliant, and not too tacky.

Form it into a ball, cover it with a clean dishtowel, and let it rise for an hour, or until double in size.

Meanwhile, make your filling. Melt your butter in a large skillet over a medium-high heat. Add your onions and cook until they start to brown. You want them to lose a lot of moisture while gaining some flavor. Once the onions start to brown, add your garlic, rosemary, and basil. Keep cooking for another 3-4 minutes, or until the garlic barely starts to brown. Finally add the mushrooms. You don’t want to overcook them. Mix them in and cook for another 4-5 minutes, stirring frequently. Take the pan off the heat and finish it with the coarse salt. Set it aside to cool while the dough continues rising.

Once the dough has doubled in size, punch it down. Flour a clean surface and roll the dough into a rectangle. Put that rectangle on a sheet of parchment paper so you can easily move the finished loaf to a pan. Trim away any rough edges.

Now that you have a trimmed rectangle of dough, mentally divide the rectangle into thirds. The center third is where you place your filling. The outer two thirds will be cut into braid strips. To give it an attractive, braided top, make neat, even, 1 inch / 2.5 cm wide cuts along each side.

Make a bed of cheese in the middle ⅓ of your bread. Pile the mushroom filling on top of that. Cover the filling with any remaining cheese.

Fold both end pieces inwards so they cover some of the filling. To create the braided top, pull the cut edges of dough over the center, alternating sides and tugging tight, so the dough completely covers the filling.

This makes a single, massive rectangular loaf. Slide it onto your largest cooking pan. If you don’t have any oversized baking sheets, just slide it into a heavily buttered 9x13 glass baking pan. Either way, let it rise for another hour.

You put this much work into it, so you might as well make the bread pretty. Whisk together an egg and 1 tbsp of water to make an egg wash. Use a pastry brush to paint the surface of the bread. If you’d like, sprinkle another 1 tsp of coarse salt on top.

Bake the bread at 350F / 180C for 35-40 minutes. If the top starts to get too brown, cover it with foil.

Due to the moist interior, the bottom of this bread has a tendency to get soggy if you leave it out overnight. That means it’s your duty to consume the entire loaf before bedtime. If you don’t have a party of dwarves or a couple teenagers on hand to help you finish it, you can always use the leftovers to make savory mushroom bread pudding for tomorrow’s dinner (pg 116).

Chelsea Buns are the ancestor of what Americans call cinnamon rolls. The two biggest differences are the crust and the icing. American cinnamon rolls are usually baked with the dough touching. Instead of picking one up, you have to cut it out of a pan. This means the edges have the texture of soft, fluffy interior bread. Chelsea Buns are baked sitting individually so you retain the lovely spiral shape and the entire exterior crisps up.

Americans also like to drown their cinnamon rolls in a dense, sugary, cream cheese based icing which can easily overwhelm the flavors of the bread itself. Chelsea Buns are lightly coated in a thin, protective sugar glaze that gives a small added hint of sweetness without distracting from the bun itself.

Dough:

1 tbsp yeast

1 ¼ c / 300 ml warm milk

⅓ c / 30 g table sugar

2 tbsp room temperature butter

1 egg

1 tsp salt

½ tsp nutmeg

½ tsp fresh lemon zest

3 ⅔ c / 500 g flour

Filling:

2 tbsp butter, melted

⅓ c / 75 g brown sugar

2 tsp ground cinnamon

1 tsp fresh lemon zest

½ c / 100 g dried mixed fruit (currants, raisins, apricots, or a mix of your favorites)

Glaze:

2 tbsp milk

2 tbsp powdered sugar

Mix the yeast into the warm milk until it’s fully dissolved. Let it bloom for ten minutes. When you come back, it should have developed a nice, reassuringly Hobbity mushroom shaped dome.

Add the sugar, butter, and egg then whisk it all into a milky slurry. Once it’s well blended, add the salt, nutmeg, and lemon zest. Once more, give it a hearty stir. Finally, add the flour, half a cup at a time, until you achieve a good, solid dough.

If you have a stand mixer, attach the dough hook and let the machine knead away on low for 6-8 minutes. If you’re in the mood to be more traditional, lightly knead the dough on a floured surface for 8-10 minutes, or until the surface develops a nice sheen.

Put the dough into a greased bowl, cover it with a clean towel, and let it rise for an hour, or until doubled in size.

Admire your handiwork for a moment before punching down the dough. Once you’re feeling satisfied, spread a handful of flour on a clean work surface and grab your rolling pin, because you’re going to roll that neat little ball into a massive rectangle. How massive? That depends entirely on how much clean counter space you have available. Keep it in a 2:1 (length:width) ratio for however much space you have, up to about 3 feet / 1 meter on the long edge. (Shorter than that is just fine.)

Once you have a nice rectangle of dough, mix the cinnamon and lemon zest into the melted butter and paint the entire rectangle.

Next spread your brown sugar over the butter mix, making sure to keep the layer as even as possible.

Finally, spread your mixed fruit over the sugar. Currants are traditional, but you’re welcome to use any mix of dried, diced fruit you please.