An Unknown Place (6 page)

“How about we play a game?” Kellan asked.

I was caught off guard. I hadn’t played a game since Cam and I had an overnight after her last break up and it was drunken Chess.

“What kind of game?”

“A drinking game. Never Have I Ever.”

“Alright.”

I don’t know what made me agree, but there I was; a bottle of tequila and all my nerves telling me it was a bad idea. I was ignoring them for now. I wanted to try having a normal evening with a normal man. But, as anyone could see, Kellan was not a normal man.

Kellan

I was definitely drunk. I had drank almost half the bottle of tequila. Apparently, when I put enough booze in Mac, she was a freer spirit. She laughed easier. She had a bright look in her eyes. At least, I think she did. As I said, I was drunk.

“Alright, alright. Never have I ever had sex in a public place,” She said.

We had gotten raunchy as our game of Never Have I Ever progressed. It was a natural place for me to go. I had a penis, it made me think about sex, that and the tequila. It probably didn’t help that I had a beautiful woman sitting in front of me. One that was making it hard to stand.

She had played well so far. I had found out, early on in the game, that she had never eaten clams, never played a sport in school (which it turned out she hadn’t graduated high school which shocked me), loved dancing, hated the color pink…I had actually gotten to know her a little better. It was nice.

At the question she had just asked, I drank. I had sex with a lot of women. One in a bathroom, another in an alley, one in the back of a taxi. I was a disgusting prick at one point in my life. Actually, I had only not been a disgusting prick recently. Very recently.

“Ewwww!” Mac had a disgusted look on her face. If she only knew.

“Hey, don’t hate the player –” I started.

“Hate the game?” She finished.

She laughed, holding her sides and rolling around on the couch. She was drunker than I thought. She was tiny and had consumed almost the half bottle of vodka she had picked out of my stash.

“My turn…never have I ever…been to Maryland.”

I figured I might as well get to the point. Since the whole reason I started this game had been to find out more about her. We both drank. Mac swallowed and closed her eyes. I could tell she was fighting a silent battle.

“Never have I ever…been a part of the mob,” She said, opening her eyes.

Touché. I drank, as she watched me carefully. I drank because I had, inadvertently been a part of the mob. My family was in the mob, and by proxy I had been. Her eyes had cleared of all humor. I could tell she was going to play as dirty as I was.

“Never have I ever loved a complete asshole of a human being,” I said, drinking while Mac did not.

So she hadn’t loved her boyfriend in Maryland. That made me feel better. I loved my family, that’s why I’d drank. No matter what they put me through, I still couldn’t help but love them. She put her bottle of liquor on the table. She looked like she was about to throw up.

“Never have I ever wanted a different life,” Mac stated, but didn’t drink.

I drank heartily. I had definitely wanted a different life when I was younger and had built myself that life. Tears welled in her eyes. Why was she crying? How could I make her stop?

Mac leaned over, grabbed the bottle on the table firmly, and threw it back like that bottle contained the life she wanted and she was going to drink until that bottle gave it to her.

She finally pulled herself from the bottle and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. I could see the spot on her face where a tear had tracked down. This isn’t what I wanted.

“Never have I ever, wanted something in my reach, but was deathly afraid to touch it.”

I wanted Mac. I wanted her in so many ways – mind, body and soul. She was beautiful. I hated whoever had done this to her. Whoever had broken her.

I drank from my bottle, still watching Mac. She drank too and I hoped she was drinking for me. The next words out of her mouth, I wouldn’t have guessed if they’d been written on her face, which I guess they metaphorically had been, the entire time I’d been around her.

“Never have I ever been….raped.”

That’s it. I was going to kill someone.

Mac

I knew what he had been after with this little game after his question about Maryland. He wanted to know my deepest darkest secret. And maybe it was the booze, or the honesty he had given me, or the fact that I was just tired of being alone – maybe a combination of it all…but I wanted to give it to him. He would probably run for the hills after, but he had asked for it.

I drank from the bottle with my eyes closed. Not wanting to see the judgment on his face. The disgust. I felt broken. The scars were deep. I finished my extended drink, and felt like throwing up.

I had filled my body with poison, in so many ways, and it wanted to purge it. I ran to the bathroom and tossed the contents of my stomach. When I finished, I washed my face and opened the bathroom door.

Kellan was standing there and I jumped back. I had not expected that. I had expected to come back in the room and find him gone.

I hadn’t looked at his face, still afraid to. I was staring at his chest, when he finally moved. He put his hands up in a surrender position, like I was a cop with a gun pointed at him, and then slowly got on his knees. I was looking in his eyes without having moved a muscle.

He looked so sad. What did he have to be sad for? He hadn’t done anything. He still had his hands up. I knew with the position he was in, he was trying to be less intimidating. And right then, with all of the memories I had stirred up in me – I needed that. He had seen enough of the things I tried to hide to give me what I needed.

Kellan was no ordinary man. He was a good man. He deserved the best. Of course, the best I could give him was honesty. So as I stood in front of him, him still on his knees, I decided to give him what I could – what he deserved. I held his gaze.

“While I lived in Maryland I dated a Baltimore Police Officer. We dated for about a week. There was something about him that was sending warning signals at me, but I ignored them. He seemed nice, so I kept going out with him. It was only like four dates. The night of our last date, the last time I saw him …He pushed his way into my apartment, held me down – he hit me so many times I don’t remember most of –”

I couldn’t go on, choked by my own words, clamping my mouth and eyes shut. But my tears flowed freely. No amount of therapy could’ve prepared me for this.

I didn’t want to share this with my new boss, my new friend – but he deserved what he had asked for. He deserved the truth as to why I was skiddish around him. I wanted to scream about what the asshole in Maryland had taken from me, but I couldn’t squeeze a word out.

I don’t know how long I cried. It could’ve been minutes or days, I wouldn’t have known. I had lost all sense of the present and was stuck in the past – stuck reliving what I could remember of that night on a loop.

I opened my eyes finally and saw pain written in every pore of Kellan’s face. No disgust or judgment to be seen. I didn’t want him to have to live through that pain with me.

I swallowed down the past and focused on Kellan. I started with what I knew about him; focusing on someone other than me helped to calm my nerves. Kellan was a business man. He owned a brewery in Maryland. No, no Maryland. His family was part of the mob. I wondered what that must’ve been like growing up.

Everything I had known growing up was,
where would I sleep, was this safe
and
how would I get food
. The truth, and I wasn’t proud of it, was I had stolen a lot of food. Clothes were easy to come by. The homeless shelters normally had a ton of extra clothes that I could get without cost. I would’ve been lost back then without the homeless shelters.

“What was it like for you growing up?” I asked as I wiped the last of my tears away. Trying to focus on something outside of my head.

Kellan

I honestly couldn’t keep up with her. At least I knew what happened to cause her aversion to me, her knee jerk reaction. I wanted nothing more than to comfort her and tell her it was going to be okay. But I knew I couldn’t make her that promise.

I was in shock that a cop had raped her; a cop that lived in
m
y
city. One of my best friends, Ethan, was on the force in Baltimore. I’d have to give him a call when I got back to Maryland.

It was the first time in my life I wanted to reach out to my family and give them a name. The name of a man that I wanted wiped from the face of the earth.

Now that she had given me her most painful experience, I was about to dig up mine. It was painful because they were happy times. I had a good childhood. My mother was loving, my brother a brat, and my father was my hero.

I didn’t know there was something wrong with our life until I was older and kids in high school started accusing me of being in the mob. Then it caught fire, because there were news stories on us and cops showing up at our door; things that had probably happened before but I hadn’t noticed.

I finally put my hands down by my sides but stayed on my knees. I could tell Mac wasn’t completely settled yet.

“It was nice. My mom is sweet as can be but couldn’t cook. My brother was a pain, but funny. My dad and I fought, but he was always there for me.”

I hated reliving the good things about them. I wanted to remember just the bad – they were the mob – because remembering the good hurt. “I had a lot of…uncles.” I laughed.

It was funny now because I had really thought, when I was a kid, I had a huge family. My mom had to tell me they weren’t really my uncles; they were just people I could trust. Translation: they worked for my dad.

“Were you happy?”

“Until I figured out what my dad was into, yeah.”

“Why would you ever leave? If you were happy. You didn’t have to do what they did.”

She seemed angry at me for some reason. But anger was better than that broken look in her eyes. There was fire there now. This Mac was the one I had seen behind the bar at The Strip. I wished I had her strength.

“Because there was no escape of it unless I really got out. Unless I left. The cops showed up at our door every few months. I knew a couple of them by name. They’d keep me company while they interviewed my mom or dad – or both.” I hated those times. I was on the honor roll at school, I played sports, I did everything a normal all American kid would, but all anyone ever saw was my name and who my family was.

“It sucks, running.”

“It does.”

I pulled out my cell phone and looked through my music. I didn’t really want to talk about our pasts anymore. I just wanted to escape for a minute. I pulled up The Oh Hello’s, knowing it was Mac’s favorite band. I had downloaded a few songs after having met them, and flipped on the song
Wishing Well.
I stood up, finally. I had to get up and move a little because my legs were starting to fall asleep.

I don’t know what overcame me, whether the song or the fact that Mac and I were both a little broken, but I wanted to dance with her. I had to be reminded that we were in the present together. And maybe it would help to remind her of that, too.

I held out my hand to her. Her eyes widened a little, but she didn’t back away from me.

“I’m not him.”

She looked in my eyes and let me wrap my arms around her. She didn’t run, cry or smack me like I half expected her to. We swayed closely together, our eyes never reaching for anything but the other’s.

I hoped we’d be okay after tonight. I hoped I didn’t do something stupid to ruin this.

“Thank you for telling me what happened. I’m sorry I pushed. I shouldn’t have –” She clamped her delicate fingers over my mouth.

“Thank you for not judging me.”

“Nothing to judge you for. You are…amazing.”

I was speaking to her from the only place I could – my heart. She was amazing. She was filled with more strength than anyone I had ever known. I was lucky to have met her.

Mac

I lay in my bed, alone with my thoughts. I had pulled myself out of the past enough to not have a panic attack. I was thankful for Kellan. He had pushed me out of my comfort zone, but once I was out I realized something: I had no comfort zone. I lived in constant fear. The world was a scary place, yes, but most people could exist and function. Look at Kellan. He was a man who had been involved in the mob as a kid and came out on top of it all.

I could tell from the way he had talked about his family that there was pain. But I couldn’t tell from what. He missed his family. I only wondered why he didn’t keep in touch with them. They sounded wonderful. His dad’s day-job sucked, but he had sounded like a good father.

I thought of Kellan lying in the next room and wondered if he was sleeping or was still up with running thoughts like I was. I had to pee for the past twenty minutes. I had already peed twice, and didn’t want to seem like the girl with the tiniest bladder. But I was, especially when I drank.

I quietly got up and opened my door to the main living area. The door creaked. Damn! I tip toed over to the bathroom door and found it closed. I could hear Kellan peeing. At least I wasn’t the only one. I turned to make a retreat back into my room when I heard the door pop open. I turned, might as well go since he was done.

I watched as he almost walked right into me. He was preoccupied by his cell phone. He finally looked up and saw me standing there. I had my arms crossed over my chest, and hip kicked out, in a casual stance. I was all bravado. All bark, no bite. But I put on a good show. I was working on it.

“Gotta take a leak?”

“Um, yeah.”

Okay, needless to say things were awkward between us. I didn’t know where we stood now that most of the booze had worn off. I could tell he was a little hung over already. Tomorrow would not be pretty for him.

“You want some Advil?” I asked.

“God, yes.”

I went into the bathroom and dug around until I found the bottle. I tossed it to him and he caught it against his chest. I filled a little Dixie cup with water. I saw how big he was, versus the tiny cup I held, and then thought better of it. I dumped the water, tossed the cup in the trash and made my way to the kitchen for a bigger amount of water in a more appropriate sized cup. As I filled the cup, Kellan came in and stood behind me.

It was weird how I felt about his presence. I knew he was there and it didn’t make me nervous, as much, anymore. I had told him my secret and he had stayed. He was an enigma.

I turned and gave him the water. His fingertips brushed the back of my hand as he took the cup from me. I felt a tingle. An inkling of something I hadn’t felt in a while. I wanted to kiss him. I watched as he swallowed the pills, watching his Adam’s apple work. He was a work of art. He was in good shape. It looked like his Adam’s apple could even do a push up.

I heard his phone buzz in his pocket. My face went immediately to his pants, and I couldn’t help but look at the bulge there. I hoped he hadn’t seen me. But when I pulled my eyes to his face, he was watching me with an amused look on his face. The embarrassment spread across my face in vicious red color. I shouldn’t be checking out my boss’s junk.

I moved quickly over to Gulp’s tank and fed him. It was a little early for his food, but he didn’t care. I just couldn’t look at Kellan again. I knew myself well enough to know my eyes would probably stray again. He was my boss, my boss, my boss – I kept chanting that to myself over and over again.

Kellan blew out a breath. He sounded annoyed. I guess I should explain myself since I had just been staring at his crotch. But what could I say? You’re the first man whose penis has interested me at all in years? Riiiiight. I’m sure that’d go over well. Plus I wasn’t ready for penis action yet. I hadn’t even kissed the guy. I needed to test the waters. I needed to see if I was ready for anything. If I was ready, Kellan would be the guy I’d be ready for.

Kellan

My brother, my father and now my mother had texted me. They couldn’t sit as a family and do that? They all had to send me separate texts. I had texted my Dad to find out what he wanted. I wasn’t expecting the text he sent.

Carmine/Dad: Your brother is sick. I think you should come home and see him.

Me: Sick with what? A cold?

Carmine/Dad: Diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease last month

My little brother had always been strong. I couldn’t believe he had been diagnosed with something that would take away that strength. I was in shock when my brother then texted.

Antonio-Bro: Don’t let dad guilt you into coming home. I’ll be fine.

Me: Why didn’t you tell me when it happened?!

Antonio-Bro: Really?

Won’t lie, I was pissed I was the last to know. But what had I expected? I hadn’t been home in thirteen years. I wasn’t expecting to have my little brother sick, though. I was pissed at myself and had been up for most of the night.

When Mac found me in her bathroom, I had just texted my father again. I had promised to come home. I didn’t want to go home. But I had to. For me, there was no other choice. I would never forgive myself if something happened to my brother and I hadn’t been there for him. I knew Crohn’s was treatable, but I was still worried. Maybe it was a ploy by my family to get me to home. It worked though, so if it was, good for them.

I knew I had to fly out tomorrow to get in everything I needed to, including a long conversation with Jake about Mac, then get out to my family.

When my phone buzzed and I saw Mac staring at my crotch, I thought there might be a chance for us yet. She was the first woman of her kind. She was the first woman to keep me. First time I had ever considered putting in the effort. First time there’d been no judgment for my name or my money. First woman that, I knew without a doubt, if I was penniless and crazy would still keep me. And now, I had to leave.

I dreaded this conversation. But when I pulled out my phone and saw it was my mother and read what she had texted, I couldn’t ignore.

Ma: Your brother needs your support.

I couldn’t even respond to that one. I was coming home. I would get there as fast as I could. Mac still had her back to me. I knew she had been embarrassed by the crotch-peak, but I wasn’t. I walked over to her, feeling a bold and an overwhelming need to test the waters.

I swept her hair to the side, so her neck was exposed to me. I gave her a few seconds to get used to the feel, as I ran my hands through her hair. Letting her know I was there. I lowered my head slowly and kissed her neck and shoulder. It was sweeter than I imagined. Being this close to her skin I could smell lavender. She was everything I wanted and more. I kissed again, tonguing the same spot, and slid my hands to her hips, squeezing them. She put her hands over mine and stood stock-still.

I waited. I wanted her to guide me here. I was way out of my depths.

“You’re my boss.”

Yep. I had never come on to one of my employees before, but that was before Mac.

“That’s how you see me?”

Mac

I wanted to tell him to keep going. He had gotten that far and I had liked it. I had actually liked Kellan kissing my neck. It was a shock to me and I was glad he wasn’t about to see the pain on my face as I lied to him for the first time.

“It’s how I see you.”

When in reality, I saw him as so much more. He was my friend. He was only the second person on the planet I had told about what happened to me. I would like to see him as my lover. But I couldn’t risk a chance he could be my lover, for a job opportunity that would let me build the life I wanted.

I would be able to live in a nicer apartment, I wouldn’t have to guess what I would make in a week – it would be a new life. Kellan, as much as it pained me, was only here for a little while. He would leave and then I’d be left with nothing.

He removed his hands from my hips, and put my hair back over my neck and shoulder. Was I making a mistake?

“I’ve gotta get going. I’m having some issues with my family I need to deal with.”

“Sure.”

I was mustering up my tough no big deal face to put over the heartache I was experiencing. Had I really only met Kellan two days ago? We had spent every moment together since I had gone to the hospital. That was more time than I’d spent with the past two guys I had dated combined.

I heard rustling behind me. Kellan was gathering his stuff together. He threw his black t-shirt on over the white one he was already wearing. I wanted to keep him with me, but at what cost – to both of us?

I turned, sliding on my happy mask. I smiled.

“Have a safe trip, Kellan.”

“Don’t do that, not now. Not after everything we’ve shared with each other.”

“What?” I was confused. I was trying to be nice and he was mad at me?

“That mask. That mask can be for everyone else, I don’t care. But don’t put that,” Kellan smiled maniacally at me and I almost laughed. “happy face on around me, when I know it’s false.”

I knew he had a temper, but this little outburst was kind of funny. A little scary but if I knew anything about Kellan it was the fact he wouldn’t hurt me.

“I know where we stand.” Kellan walked to me and put both of his hands on the sides of my face. “I don’t
want
to leave. Don’t ruin everything we just built because I have to go.”

He was right, that’s what I was doing. Building a wall between us, but that was easier than admitting he meant something to me. Just as I was about to say something else, his phone buzzed again. I pulled his hands from my face, with herculean effort, since losing him was the last thing I wanted to do.

“Go. You need to be with your family….We’ll talk later.”

Kellan looked torn but his phone buzzed again and he pulled it out of his pocket. Whatever he saw there spooked him enough to run out of my apartment to his car without another word, leaving my door wide open.

More than worrying about the loss of him, I was worried for him. I wanted him to be happy, not upset with that lost look on his face.

Kellan

Ma: Your brother was just rushed to the hospital.