An-Ya and Her Diary (11 page)

Wanna brings me food to my room. Whenever she gives me something, she writes a note and tucks it into a napkin. She wrote at breakfast—

I know your heart is hurting right now. We are here for you.

And at lunch…

We love you, An-Ya. I am so sorry that you feel like you can’t talk right now. We will wait until you are ready.

And at dinner…

An-Ya, I wish that I could make it all better. I am so sorry. I thought the journey to your sweet Abby, your Ye-Bi, would turn out differently. If only I could change so many things that were never in my control. You don’t need to be alone with your feelings. Your family wants to help you.

124

Dear Penny,

Ellie keeps coming to my room to take care of Angel Bones. She knocks softly on the door and says—

An-Ya? I take Angel Bones to potty now, ok?

I never answer her, but she opens the door and Angel Bones runs to Ellie, and they walk out the door. When Ellie brings Angel Bones back, she doesn’t say anything. She just opens the door and lets Angel Bones run in. Angel Bones is being very quiet. Somehow she knows that I need quiet.

I feel cold but I don’t want to try to get warm.

I think cold is how I am supposed to feel.

Was I cold in the box that She left me in? Maybe that is why I don’t want to get warm. I want to remember.

125

Dear Penny,

Last night I was tired of my soft bed and decided to crawl under my bed and lay on the hard floor. I imagined that I was on the floor in America, and when I looked up in the darkness that I could see all of Canada. I imagined that somewhere in the darkness above me was Abby’s house and I could see her and I could see what she was doing.

I saw her on her tricycle going in circles. She was riding and worrying because crawling all around her were ladybugs and she didn’t want to run over any of them. She didn’t want to bring bad luck to her family by killing one of the ladybugs.

But then there was a bright light. Daddy turned my light on. I knew it was Daddy because I heard his voice—

An-Ya? An-Ya? Where are you?

And I didn’t answer.

I didn’t want to explain what I was doing under the bed.

He turned my light off, but he kept calling to me—

An-Ya?

And then he started yelling my name—

AN-YA?

My body tightened, but I didn’t move or speak. I listened.

Daddy yelled my name and then he yelled Wanna’s name and I heard shoes pounding on the hallway floor and up and down the stairs.

Someone was running. Then I heard Angel Bones barking. She was upset about the yelling and running.

I heard—

Where is she? Where is she?

But I don’t know who was talking because voices started to mix together.

I could see Wanna and Daddy’s feet standing next to my bed.

They were screaming my name into the air.

Angel Bones was barking and jumping at their legs.

Then Angel Bones became so worried that she ran under the bed and curled up over my head.

126

Dear Penny,

Angel bones gave my hiding spot away. After she curled herself around my head, then they knew where I was. Daddy knelt down on my bedroom floor and lifted the bottom of my quilt and saw me. His voice was soft and he said—

There you are, An-Ya.

Then Wanna knelt down beside Daddy and lifted the quilt too. Her voice sounded like she was talking through a whistle and she said—

You are safe. You are here. You are safe.

Wanna’s eyes were red. I could tell even though it was dark. I didn’t say anything back. I kept staring up and wondering how long it would take me to get to Canada if I started walking there now.

127

Dear Penny,

Daddy and Wanna stared at me lying under the bed for a long time. Ellie came in to stare at me too. Angel Bones stayed wrapped around my head but kept making little crying sounds.

Ellie said—

Are you sad, An-Ya, or are you on adventure?

I looked at her and then looked back up at the bed.

Ellie said—

If you on adventure, An-Ya, can I come? It is ok if we go on a sad adventure.

Then without me asking her to, Ellie crawled under my bed and lay next to me.

Then Wanna said—

I agree with Ellie. If you are on a sad adventure, then I would still like to join you.

Wanna crawled under the bed and put her arm across Ellie and settled her hand on my chest. Daddy followed them and crawled in on the other side and put his arm across my chest and joined hands with Wanna.

Wanna said—

An-Ya, please tell us what adventure we are joining you on tonight?

Finally words came out of me—

We are on a sad adventure. We are going back in time…to my orphanage in China.

They all moved closer to me as if we were really going back. As if they might lose me again. The tighter they held me, the more scared I became. I could smell them—Daddy, Wanna, Ellie, and Angel Bones. They all smelled so different, but together their smell mixed into something like apple juice and green grass. They were warm and I could feel their hearts beating against me.

I freed one arm from under their embrace, and I lifted it to the metal frame of my bed.

I began tapping.

I told them—

If you want to come with me, then you need to tap too.

One by one they all reached up their hands and began to tap.

I closed my eyes and listened. For a long time we tapped and listened to our fingers making music on the metal frame. We tapped until the metal frame of my bed became the metal frame of Abby’s crib in the orphanage.

Then I stopped tapping. Then they stopped too.

I kept my eyes closed but I opened my mouth to talk. I told them we were back in the orphanage. I told them that our sad adventure back in time had begun.

128

Dear Penny,

It is morning now. I am in my bed under the covers. Ellie and Angel Bones are in my bed too and they are still quietly snoring. I don’t remember everything that I said last night.

What I do remember is that I talked about taking care of Abby in the orphanage. How I was the one responsible for taking care of her and how much that bothered me sometimes. But there were also times that Abby gave me a reason to keep breathing. She needed me. And now she doesn’t…or maybe she does…but now I will never know. Just because she has new ladybug clothes and a bicycle doesn’t mean that she is really being taking care of, right? The photo doesn’t tell me anything about how she is feeling inside.

While I was talking last night, Ellie and Angel Bones fell asleep curled around me. They both snored, but it was a quiet and soft kind of snore. But Daddy and Wanna listened all the way until I was finished talking.

I told Daddy and Wanna a little bit about my dreams and nightmares about the orphanage. I talked the most about the ones that included Abby.

I wanted to stop talking and suck back in all of the words that had already come out. But I couldn’t do it. I kept going on and on like my mouth had a broken zipper.

Every once in awhile, as I was talking, Daddy would squeeze my hand or Wanna would run her fingers through my hair. I kept my eyes closed the entire time.

When I finally stopped talking, Wanna and Daddy were silent and waited to make sure that I was finished.

Then Daddy whispered—

Ok Baby Girl, let’s get you out from under here and into your bed. It has been a long night for you and it is time for rest.

His arms reached under my body and pulled me out from under the bed and placed me on top of the bed and slid me under my covers. I felt heavy in my body and tired by my memories.

Wanna pulled Ellie and Angel Bones out and placed them on top of the bed next to me. They didn’t wake up.

Daddy and Wanna looked at each other as if they were unsure of what they were supposed to say next. I didn’t care what they said. I just wanted to close my eyes again.

Wanna said—

Good night, An-Ya. Thank you for taking me on an adventure with you, even if it was a sad adventure. Knowing your past helps me understand.

I thought she was going to start crying because her breathing became heavy and her voice was breaking.

Daddy said—

Good night, Baby Girl. Wishing you sweet dreams.

He blew me a kiss that I didn’t return.

And then they were gone and I was left with the two small snoring bodies that slept through most of my sad adventure and didn’t seem like they were about to wake up anytime soon. I was too tired to figure out how to move them.

How strange that Daddy called me…Baby Girl?

It doesn’t feel like I have ever been a baby girl. To anyone. Ever. It feels like as soon as I was put in that box by Them that I became a person just trying to live and figure out how to keep living to the next day. Baby Girl? I was never a baby as far as I can remember.

But for a moment, as Daddy was holding me, I believed that maybe I could be a baby girl. Maybe the baby in me is not gone forever. Maybe it has been inside me all along.

I am tired. I need to go back to sleep.

129

Dear Penny,

Wanna made us chocolate chip pancakes this morning and she smiled at me a lot. The pancakes tasted very good, and smelled wonderful, but Wanna smiling so much was uncomfortable. Ellie kept saying how yummy to her tummy the pancakes were. It was a little cute the first time she said it, but she kept going on and on during the entire meal.

After pancakes I asked Wanna to borrow some of her poetry books. She didn’t ask me why. She just smiled again, pulled some books off of the hallway shelves, and handed them to me. I tried to smile back at her, but I know my smile was much smaller than hers.

I took the books to my room and studied the ones that I could understand. Many of the poems were written in this old style of English and I couldn’t tell what the poem was even about.

I didn’t read all of them because most of them were boring. None of them seemed to be written about how I felt about Levi.

There was this one poem that I liked that was written by an American poet. It was interesting that the poet didn’t use capital letters even when he signed his name. The poem was about carrying someone else’s heart inside of them. But it wasn’t exactly right for my situation. I think it was more meant for someone grown up and in love for a long time. Plus it said ‘my darling’ in the poem and that would just be weird to say to Levi. I don’t want him to think that I am crazy. I just want him to understand that he is important.

130

Dear Penny,

I think I finally figured out what I have to tell Levi and how I want to tell him. For some reason reading all of the American poetry that Wanna gave me reminded me of a poem I once read in China. I hope that sharing this poem from China with him is the right thing to do because I have no idea what I am doing.

131

Dear Penny,

Sitka came over today. She was dressed in all red and it seemed like she was dressed to be going somewhere important. So I asked her if she was going somewhere special today. She looked confused and asked me why I would think that. I told her that she was wearing all red and that red was a happy celebration party color in China.

She said—

An-Ya, this isn’t China, and I am just wearing red because I like it.

I just said—

Ok.

In America red is just red and nothing more. I should know that by now.

Sitka’s parents were working at the hospital and she wanted us to take Angel Bones for a walk. That was ok with me because I didn’t want to think about Abby and all the things that I told Wanna and Daddy when we were under my bed.

We walked through the woods and toward the covered bridge. I was thinking about what I was going to write to Levi and didn’t realize I was walking ahead of Sitka. She yelled out to me—

AN-YA! Hold your horses and wait for me to catch up!

I asked her what she meant about the horses and she said it was called an idiom. Then we walked together and Sitka went on to teach me more idioms, like kick the bucket and spill the beans and…

I am on cloud nine…which I am not. But I think I made it to cloud seven or eight when Levi held my hand.

132

Dear Penny,

Ellie’s birthday is tomorrow and Wanna is taking me shopping to get a birthday gift. I don’t know what I should get her. Wanna suggested a doll, or a game, or some kind of toy she could play with. I don’t want to get her any of those things.

What I really want to do is write my letter to Levi, but right now I am still thinking about what exactly I want to write. I just know that I want to be able to hand it to him the next time I see him and get it over with. He will either like it or hate it or still like me or maybe hate me.

Sitka better be right about this poetry and letter writing idea.

133

Dear Penny,

I bought Ellie her birthday present. We went shopping in a huge store that had two floors and an escalator. I tried to hide how nervous I was stepping on and off those moving stairs. The only other time I was on an escalator was in the airports coming home from China. I was pushed onto the airport escalators by the crowds behind me. I don’t know if I would have ever left China if those strangers behind me didn’t force me to step on.

Wanna and I went first to the toy section and looked at all of the toys. Wanna kept trying to get me to buy things that weren’t what I wanted to give. In the toy area there was a little girl who was holding a fancy doll and screaming at her mom that if she couldn’t buy the doll, then she wouldn’t ever be good again. I wanted to take the doll and hit the girl over the head with it.

I finally found what I wanted to buy Ellie in the jewelry section. Wanna told me that it is called a charm bracelet. The bracelet has a silver chain and each of the chain loops has a little charm. All of the charms are tiny animals. There is a monkey, panda, flamingo, penguin, and hippo. The only charm that isn’t an animal is a blue flower that sparkles.