Andy Stevenson vs. The Lord of the Loins (10 page)

Alan and I kept one pop each for ourselves and put the rest in the cooler. Kim called him over to introduce him to someone else and perform that stupid handshake crap again while I took the opportunity to make my way over to where Tristan stood with two of his “friends” talking to Kendra. They turned out to be two guys from the Creative Writing class who were nice to look at but, after listening to them in conversation, I'm sure had difficulty entertaining a doubt.

"Anyway.” Kendra and the others were laughing. “When Andy was younger and we'd play doctor, because you know all little kids get curious, he always insisted on being on top.” They laughed at my expense.

"Funny how things change,” Tristan piped up.

"Kendra,” I interrupted before the conversation could go any further, “Kim was asking about you. I think she wanted to introduce you to some members of the human race.” She took the hint and left us. “Well, well, well...” I faced them. “It's Larry, Curly and Ho!"

"Oh, that's funny,” Tristan retorted humorlessly. The other two either couldn't handle the very obvious tension between us or didn't want to cause a scene, so they meandered away. Tristan stood his ground, though, as I'd suspected he would.

"They're the best you could come up with?” I watched the two guys grab a beer from the cooler. “I'm insulted."

"Why don't we go back to my place and make up? You know you want to."

"I
want
to?” The guy was unbelievable. “Lucky for you stupidity isn't painful."

"The only person I've ever heard complain about sex with me is you.” Tristan sighed. “Do you know what most guys say to me after we fuck?"

"'Wow, that was quick?’”

"No."

"'You can start any ... Oh, you're already finished?’”

"It was a rhetorical question.” It wasn't, but he really didn't want me to continue, and I had plenty more where those came from.

"I have a problem with those."

"When are you going to realize that you're the only one who believes you need some kind of mental bond with someone to have sex?” He looked at me piteously. “Sex is fun and it's free and it should be shared whenever two people get the...” He paused. “Why are you shaking your head?"

"Sorry, I seem to be experiencing deja moo.” He eyed me curiously. “I've heard this bullshit somewhere before."

"Hey!” Tristan definitely seemed to be losing his temper. “You want a relationship with support, buy a jockstrap. You want a good fuck, come see me."

"That's your comeback?” I stared at him. “I wipe my ass with sharper material than that.” It was sad, but true. The place did skimp on comfortable toilet paper.

"You...” He stopped quite suddenly. “Oh, my God! Who's that?” I didn't need to follow his gaze to know he was staring at Alan.

"His name is Alan, and he's way out of your league.” I actually enjoyed saying that. “Not only does he have class and great taste in cologne and music, but he's also got a girlfriend ... or at least will after tonight when Kim has her way with him.” If there was one saving grace in Alan being straight, it was that Tristan couldn't have him.

"I like a challenge."

"Try chastity.” I suggested, and he glared at me.

Alan, meanwhile, must have seen me looking his way because he abruptly headed over to us, probably figuring I wanted to introduce him to someone else like Kim had been doing all night. The thought of Tristan touching him made my skin crawl.

"Alan, this is Tristan, another student in the creative writing class Kim and I are taking together."

"How do you do?” He extended his hand.

"Fine,” Tristan replied and shook it. “How do I do you?” he added and laughed. I wasn't amused.

"What?” Alan acted as if he was uncertain as to what had really been said.

"Tristan was just trying to be funny.” I tried to laugh it off, too. “He's not real bright, though. He once brought a hose to school to water the kindergarten.” Oooohhh, the scowl I received for that one!

"Kim mentioned you guys were starting to brainstorm ideas for a longer story to turn in at the end of the semester.” Alan looked at me and then Tristan. “I think it would take me a lot longer than a semester to write anything worthwhile. Have you figured out what you're going to write about yet?"

"Oh, yeah.” Tristan looked over at me. “Mine is a tale about a boy and his hotrods.” He looked into Alan's eyes. “I've been called one of those before, you know?"

Tell me he didn't just say that.

"A hotrod?” Alan didn't quite know what to make of that one.

"Yeah.” I decided to clarify. “Zero to ejaculation in ninety seconds."

"How's your story coming along?” Tristan turned the subject my way. “Does it mirror your inhibited and uptight little existence much?” He looked over at Alan. “Have you read any of his work?” Alan shook his head that he hadn't. “Probably for the best. His stories are so dry they make my balls itch."

"Sounds like fleas.” I turned to Alan. “I've decided to write about some experiences I had in California last summer."

"That sounds interesting.” He sounded enthusiastic, probably because he was sensing some hostility and wanted to change the subject to something more positive.

"Experiences? As in plural?” Tristan sounded uninterested. “I can't help but wonder how you had a single experience at all, let alone more than one. I mean, you must have spent an awful lot of time boring everyone to death with all your values and expectations. Alan.” Tristan pulled him closer before he could escape. “Maybe you can settle some-thing for me. I've really enjoyed my physical relationships with Asians in the past, and they have one of the most unique philosophies about sex that I've ever come across.” He put his arm around Alan's neck. “You treat your body like a temple and not a fortress, right?"

"So what?” I pulled him away from Tristan. He wasn't going to bring Alan into this. “Even if he does treat his body like a temple, I doubt he's offering services tonight, and if he is, they're certainly not for you.” I wasn't about to back down.

"You know what I think, Sandra Dee?” Tristan looked as if he was ready to put this conversation to bed.

That did it.

"I think you're what happens when a drunk fucknut tosses off in a stream full of spawning fish, you toe-jam-licking, dick-cheese-sucking, backhand-butt-packing, baloney-colonic-giving anal buckaneer!” Tristan's eyes grew large. “Contrary to what you believe, life isn't one big pursuit for the next orgasm. Feelings don't end when the white stuff comes out, and you're obviously depriving a village of its idiot somewhere if you believe they do."

The room had gone completely silent during my little tirade, and worse yet, they were listening. My mouth had once again runneth over. Big surprise.

Alan took a few steps back and tried to blend in with the rest of the crowd, but I knew he had questions about what was going on. Maybe I'd get a chance to explain a few things later, but right now I couldn't stop glowering at Tristan.

"I guess that's my cue.” It was the last thing Tristan said before slowly turning around and making his exit. He didn't even bother to see if his two friends were behind him or not. They were too damn busy trying to decide whether they should close their gaping mouths and leave with him or grab another beer. The beer won out in the end. Go figure.

I walked over to Kim, and instead of giving me a great big hug, she gave me a great big lecture on cutting her chances of getting lucky tonight in half. Alex came up and asked what the commotion had been about, especially because she'd heard from other friends at the university about what a slut the blond letch was. Grrrr...

Honestly, I could have cared less about the other people in the room as long as Alan was safe from Tristan. I wanted to talk to him briefly, make up some story about what had happened so as not to look like a complete and total weirdo, but Kim never let him out of her sight and managed to steer him away from me whenever I came too close. She obviously wasn't taking any more chances on my dousing the flame on her remaining crotch-rocket for the evening.

Strangely enough, Kendra watched everything from a distance and didn't say much to me at all about what had happened. Maybe she'd made up her own mind and figured it wasn't worth bringing up. Whatever the case, I excused myself from the party a little after midnight. Kendra decided to stay a bit longer, so I told her to use Kim's phone and call down to the room when she was ready so I could get up and unlock the door.

Kim gave me a quick hug before I left and whispered in my ear that if I ever came between her and a night of “keeping the blue-veined doughnut holder hostage in her great wet wall of vagina that might be deep enough to go to China’ again, I'd better be ready to make up for it with my own body and I damn well better be memorable. I'm pretty sure I got the gist of the message, but did she have to bring up the girly parts? Ew!

Most weekend nights ended with students crawling back to their rooms—or someone else's if they couldn't find their way back at all. They'd wake up, stumble in, drink some coffee, take a shower and tell stories that may or may not be true about their exploits the previous 24-48 hours. I always found my way back to my room, never drank coffee and I never told any stories. Who would believe them anyway? The only thing I did that resembled their routine was to take a shower—thoroughly unexciting. Maybe Kendra would have a few stories to tell when she got back. Who knew? All I wanted to do was lay down and fall asleep.

Knock-knock-knock.

Of course! At least I'd managed to change clothes and put on a pair of sweats and a T-shirt before Kendra came back down. Funny, though, for having so much fun, she didn't stay that long. Maybe Kim got lucky and broke up the party early ... or invited everyone to join in. It wouldn't be the first time.

I sighed, pulled back my toasty warm flannel sheets and walked over to the door.

"So much for calling first—” I opened it and found myself staring at Alan. “What the hell are you doing here?” It wasn't the politest thing to say, but I was so astonished to see him here instead of hearing about him being in Kim's room that I didn't know what else to say.

"I...” He fumbled, “I didn't mean to get you up."

"You didn't.” I tried my best to smile. “And I didn't mean to sound like that. It's just...” Did I dare explain it to him? “I mean, I thought you'd be...” Descriptions really weren't an option here. “Why aren't you upstairs with Kim?"

"She's a little drunk right now."

"She's a lot drunk right now.” I laughed lightly. He had to leave before anyone saw him and told Kim he was down here! I could just see her waking the entire floor up by pounding on my door and demanding that I have sex with her if Alan didn't. “Anyway, I thought ... uh ... the two of you..."

"No.” Alan was nice about it, but emphatic at the same time. “I'm pretty sure she wants to. Actually, she kept hugging me and whispering ‘Oreo cookie’ in my ear, just like you said.” He shook his head. “She and I ... no more likely than you and that guy, Tristan.” Riiiight. So this was going to be a short conversation.

"What do you want?” I asked him humorously.

"Actually, it was about him. Can I come in?"

He looked uncomfortable talking about this subject while out in the hall where anyone crawling by could hear, not that they'd remember it later. I nodded, ushered him in and then closed the door. It was safer for both of us this way anyway.

"I wanted to thank you for ... I don't know ... interfering with his rather obvious passes at me tonight."

"Passes?” I decided to play stupid. “I don't think he was making passes at you as much as he was just having some fun with the situation. Tristan does that with people and some-times it's perceived that he might be a little bit ... umm ... I'm searching for the right word here ... let me just throw this one out ... gay?"

"A little bit gay?” He asked in such a manner that it didn't sound like a question as much as it did sarcasm.

"Yeah.” It seemed perfectly plausible to me.

"Andy, he's a lot gay.” Alan peered at me like I had to be nuts not to have figured that one out. “I've only been here a semester and a half, but I've heard enough stories about that guy to fill a medical textbook."

"Really?” Well, of course he had. It seems everybody had. Hell, I wouldn't have been surprised if there'd been an entire class offered on the subject, and the only prerequisite was that I couldn't take it! “Kim wants to do him."

"Kim has unique taste in men.” Alan shifted to his other foot. “Anyway, I just wanted to come by and thank you for what you did. I'd actually wanted to talk to you last semester, but I guess I never had the nerve. Starting back at school is always kind of crazy, and the last thing you probably wanted to do was to talk to a freshman."

A few moments of silence passed and he started to look uncomfortable.

"I should go.” He turned to leave.

"You don't have to,” I told him simply.

"I don't want to.” He turned back around.

"Really, you don't have...” I didn't think I'd heard him correctly. “Wait. Did you just say you didn't want to?"

"Didn't you say I didn't have to?” He started to fidget.

"Why are you nervous?” I asked him.

"Why are you sweating?"

Was I?

"The real question is...” I moved closer to him. “...where is this going?"

Alan stared into my eyes, and I could see hesitation and even a little bit of fear, the very same things I'd experienced when I was with Jordan that first night. Was this even a legitimate comparison? How was it that some kid I barely knew and practically totally overlooked in a study group last semester could be standing in front of me here and now like this? There was definitely something going on here, and I could feel the chemistry, but was this real or just hormones?

Maybe this was something entirely new. Neither of us was going to be leaving the state in two days, and I had no intention of doing to him what Tristan had done to me. Unfortunately, I didn't have much experience in relationships or romance other than reading the “Sleeping Beauty” series by Anne Rice, and I don't think that necessarily qualified as romance. I had no intentions whatsoever of spanking Alan! Kim would have, but that wasn't me.