Angelfire (26 page)

“Are you…? You're going to…finish me now?” Ragnuk strained, his jawbone creaking in its joints, the visible muscle shredded, his talons clawing desperate streaks into the concrete. The burned flesh on his face still bubbled and strained, trying to heal. It amazed me that he could even speak, let alone breathe.

I said nothing as I stared down at him coldly. I couldn't make sense enough to reply. All I could perceive was how much anger I felt toward the beast who was now at my mercy. For so long I had feared him, but now that he was helpless
at my feet, I felt nothing but satisfaction and a burning need for destruction.

“Who…is the monster…now?” He laughed, a pathetic, wheezing laugh, as my blades erupted with angelfire. The white light flickered on our faces beneath the black night sky.

“You…don't have the
spine
!” he hissed with morbid, sadistic amusement.

Unfortunately for him, it was mercy that I lacked, not a spine. I raised my swords high overhead. He stopped laughing when I had finished hacking off his head.

SOMEONE SPOKE BEHIND ME AND I SPUN AROUND, swinging my sword high as I let out a terrible cry. Bloodlust blurred my vision as my attacker struck my arm, blocking my sword strike. I kicked my foot into his chest, and he fell back with a grunt. My sword slashed again, this time ripping flesh, and I swung again, but he grabbed my wrist and squeezed until I dropped the sword from pain. I threw my newly freed fist and struck his jaw. He groaned and staggered to the side. I lunged for his throat, but the heel of his palm struck my chest, knocking the wind out of me. I collapsed forward, breathless, into my attacker's arms.

“Ellie.”

My heart seemed to stop as my knees hit the ground and he fell with me. His voice shook my soul and woke me, and his firm hands on my shoulders kept me from falling. His
scent filled my head and I clung to him, horrified at myself for what I had done—what I had done to
him
.

I opened my eyes and stood, looking down into Will's face as he stared up at me, looking brokenhearted. I bit down on the inside of my cheek as I touched the deep cut I had made in his arm.

“I hurt you,” I said, my voice cracking. “You got me out of there and I hurt you.”

Will's face remained pained. “I'm all right.”

The wound vanished. My hand slid up his shoulder and neck to cup his cheek. “I am so sorry. I shouldn't have let it get this far.”

“It doesn't matter. What's done is done.”

I buried my face in my hands, Ragnuk's final words echoing in my head. “All these nightmares, hallucinations…I'm becoming a monster!”

Will stood, and his presence wrapped around me. “You're not becoming a monster.”

“How do you know? How are you so sure that I'm not going to become something that isn't me?”

“Because I know you,” he said, lifting my chin and looking into my eyes. “I know you better than I know anyone else. After all these centuries and every life you've led, you've always held on to who you are.”

Shaking my head, I fought back a sob. “I can't take it when I feel like someone else. I get so angry, so violent, and I know this isn't who I am. What if I can't control it? What
if I hurt you even more next time? I couldn't tell you from my enemy. I mean, look at what I did!” I threw my arm out toward the wreckage of the warehouse. “I'm as demonic as the creatures I fight.”

“You aren't demonic and you aren't a monster,” he said, his voice firmer. “Even when your power threatens to control you, it has never succeeded. Things have happened, yes, but you're still
you
. You've got to trust me, Ellie.”

“But I'm so afraid of myself and what I'm capable of. And now I'm going to lose my soul forever. I don't want to die and I don't want to become nothing.”

“I won't let that happen to you. I'll make sure you survive!”

“I don't want to survive, Will, I want to
live
!” I cried.

He froze then, staring at me as what I'd just confessed to him sunk in.

“I want to live,” I repeated. “I want to be myself and go to school, to college, to parties, to the movies, bowling, football games. I want to roll around in the snow in my bathing suit and then jump into a hot tub. I want to pick out prom dresses with my mom and I want to road trip with Kate this summer. I want to grow up. I want to get married and maybe have a baby someday. I don't want to spend every day afraid of what might jump out at me from the shadows. I don't want to hide because horrible things are hunting me. I don't want to die and come back and not
remember your face, Will. I don't want to spend another lifetime not knowing who you are!”

He pulled me close and wrapped his arms around me. I pressed my face against his warm chest and finally allowed myself to cry.

“It'll be all right,” Will whispered into my hair, taking in a long, tortured breath. His hands spilled over my shoulders and my back, holding me tightly to him. My fingers curled around his shirt just to hold him closer.

With a deep breath, I peeked past him and saw my car sitting unharmed in the alley on the side of the warehouse that hadn't collapsed, covered in a thick layer of dirt. The sarcophagus sat just beyond the Audi and was equally unharmed. Will had somehow gotten himself and the sarcophagus out of harm's way just in time. Just in time before I let a building fall down on top of him.

I didn't know how long he held me there before I stepped away. It could have been hours, but I wouldn't have noticed. “What did Ragnuk mean when he wanted you to show your true self?” A part of me didn't want to know the answer, but another part ached for it.

He didn't respond at first and his hands rubbed my shoulders gently. His cheek burrowed into my hair. “He believed I'm something I'm not,” he said. “I've tried very hard not to be the kind of dark they are. The demonic reapers hate my kind for that, and they hate me even more for protecting you.”

I leaned into him. I understood what it felt like to be something frightening and try to maintain some shred of humanity. Will fought the same kind of darkness that threatened to destroy who I really was, the darkness that threatened to destroy
him
and take him away from me. We both waged internal wars against the monsters inside us. It made us dangerous to everyone around us, and to each other. I'd been so busy worrying about fighting the scary side of me that I'd forgotten he was doing the same. He was always thinking of me and what I needed, and I never thought about what
he
needed.

“What's wrong, Ellie? Tell me how I can fix this.”

My breath trembled as I drew it in and I pressed my face deeper into his chest. “I thought he had killed you.”

He exhaled and kissed my hair.

“I thought I was going to lose you,” I confessed, biting back a sob that threatened to break free.

Will pulled away so that our eyes met. The centuries we had spent together were filling my heart with so much emotion that I felt it was about to burst. I didn't remember any of it, but I knew it all in my soul.

“You'll never lose me,” he said gently, and wiped the tears from my cheeks. “I'll always be here.”

I wrapped my arms around his back and held him as tightly as I could, afraid he'd drift away.

He dropped his head to mine, his body so close to mine I could hardly stand it. “If we're separated—if I lose you—I'll
find you,” he breathed, his cheek touching mine gently, lighting tiny fireworks on my skin.

Fresh, relentless, warm tears rolled down my cheeks. His promise melted through me, and my heart ached for everything that I wanted and couldn't have. In the end, he was all I had. Through each lifetime, every last thing that I came to know and love in the world changed or vanished completely except for him. He was the only thing permanent in all of forever.

Then he kissed me, slowly and gently. It was just a light brush of his lips on mine, but I stiffened, surprised and unsure of how to react. He pulled away, only just, holding my gaze with his, his lips almost touching mine, as if waiting for me. I tilted my chin up and parted my mouth until his returned, kissing me again, long and leisurely. He seemed too careful, as if he expected me to be frightened. I forced myself to relax and I lifted a tentative hand to stroke his cheek and I kissed him back. His fingers trailed up my spine and brushed across my bare throat before threading tenderly through my hair, his thumb tracing along my cheek. When I didn't pull away, he deepened his kiss with a hunger, fervently, as if it were our last, even though it was our first. He finally broke free, but he didn't pull away. He touched his forehead to mine and closed his eyes.

“I'm sorry,” he whispered.

My hands wound around his neck. My nails traced the contours of his back and shoulders, and I felt his muscles
lock where I touched him. I breathed in his scent, trying to take all of him in. For a moment I forgot about the beast that might destroy my soul, and the only thing I feared was losing
this
and never seeing his face again. If I died before I had to fight the Enshi, I didn't want to forget his face or his voice or what it felt like when he touched me. I couldn't let myself forget him again. “Don't be,” I said, my hands sliding up into his hair.

“I shouldn't have done that,” he breathed, pushing a lock of my hair behind my shoulders.

“There's nothing to regret,” I replied urgently.

He pulled away until he was no longer touching me at all, and I craved for him to come back. I fought everything in me to not reach for him.

His expression was terribly vulnerable and pained; he seemed to be trying desperately not to break. “You have to understand how difficult this is for me,” he said finally. “I've been devoted to you for so long. I've done my best to serve you and keep you safe. And this—how I feel—is going against too many of the rules. I know it's wrong, and I know it's stupid, but I don't really care.”

I studied his face for several moments, watching for the intensity of his eyes to give me a sign. “Whose rules are they?”

“The angel who made me your Guardian,” he said. “I think he was an archangel. He told me I was to protect you and nothing more. I'm not supposed to feel what I feel.”

“What exactly…do you feel?” I asked carefully. “What do you mean?”

He closed his eyes and looked away. “I'm so confused.”

We didn't speak for some time but only stood there next to the collapsed warehouse. Finally he turned away from me.

“We should get out of here,” he suggested. “Someone is bound to have heard the building fall.”

I nodded. “What do we do about the sarcophagus?”

He thought for a moment. “I can carry it a little ways from here. Give Nathaniel a call. Tell him to bring a truck. We have to relocate, but I just don't know where to.”

“Where do you want me to go?”

“Drive to the first stop sign and turn right. Follow that road all the way to the dead end. I'll meet you there.”

I gave him a perplexed look. “You sure know your way around here.”

“I had to study the location and its surroundings, including all roads, intersections, and buildings in the area.” He smiled when he noticed my quizzical expression. “Better safe than sorry.”

“Right.”

There was an awkward pause before either of us moved. I could still feel his mouth on mine as I stood there with nothing to say. Finally, I got into my car and drove exactly where he told me to. I wasn't sure if I was surprised he was right about the dead end or not. I parked there and turned my car
off and called Nathaniel, telling him where to meet us. Not even a second after I hung up, Will appeared out of nowhere, dropping the sarcophagus in the glare of my headlights. I got out to meet him as the wails of sirens echoed in the distance, most likely responding to calls about the warehouse's recent demise.

“Nathaniel should be here shortly,” I said.

“Good.”

He didn't say anything else. It annoyed me a little that I couldn't tell what he was thinking. He seemed to be avoiding the topic of what had happened between us minutes before, but then again, I hadn't brought it up either. I was torn over whether or not to bring it up at all. I wanted to ask him about it, since I felt so empty inside for some reason. I wanted—scratch that, I
needed
—to know how he felt about me. Then I wondered, had we been
together
before? Had he kissed me before in my past lives?

“What are you thinking about?” he asked with a soft voice, interrupting my thoughts, for which I was thankful.

“Wouldn't you like to know,” I said glumly.

He walked up to me and leaned back against my car, crossing his arms over his chest. “Yes, I would. You twist up your face funny when you're deep in thought.”

“Thanks for the observation.” I narrowed my eyes. “What do you
think
I'm thinking about?”

His jaw clenched for just a fraction of a second before the
tension washed away. “I have a good idea.”

“Are we just going to pretend it didn't happen?” I asked.

He sucked in his top lip. “I don't think that would be wise.”

“Well, you're on a roll.” I studied his expression meticulously. He gave nothing of his thoughts away.

“I didn't plan on it, if that's what you're wondering.” He seemed honest.

“Have you ever kissed me before?”

“Do you mean before you were Ellie?”

Whatever that meant. “Yeah.”

“No.”

I wanted to ask him if he had ever wanted to, but I decided on a different question. “So what does this mean?”

“I don't understand.”

I sighed. “What does it mean between you and me?”

He didn't answer right away. Neither of us spoke for a few moments, and the longer the silence lingered, the more nauseated I felt. My body tensed.

“I care about you very deeply,” he said. “I just don't think—”

At that moment a large white van pulled up and stopped in front of us. Nathaniel and Lauren hopped out. I scowled. Will had gotten lucky…for now. I had a lot more questions to ask him once we were in private again.

“Are you guys okay?” Nathaniel asked, his voice trembling.

“I'm
really
hungry,” Will said dramatically.

Nathaniel laughed. “I can imagine. Ellie, are you unharmed?”

I shrugged. “I've healed. Ragnuk is dead. That's all that's important.”

Lauren watched me with a strange mix of emotions flickering across her face. I couldn't decide what she was feeling. It was almost as if she understood exactly how shaken I was—by more than just Ragnuk. Briefly, I wondered how far her psychic talents extended.

“We'll take the sarcophagus to my house,” Nathaniel offered. “I think it will be safely hidden there until we can leave for Puerto Rico.”