Angst (12 page)

I struggle to stay calm, holding my hands tightly in front
of me to stop my muscles from trembling as we wait for Jared or Andy to open
the door. Finally there’s a click and the door swings open to reveal Jared and
Andy, both in NHU Panthers hooded sweatshirts and backward baseball caps. Jared
looks fantastic.
Male with swagger. Damn
.

“Hello ladies,” says Jared, ushering us inside with a smile,
his eyes falling on me, but skittering away as if he doesn’t want to quite look
me in the face. Hannah and I follow the boys up the narrow dark staircase and
into Jared's small apartment. I take a quick glimpse of his living room. It’s
got furniture crammed into every conceivable space, a couch, love seat, papa
san chair and an arm chair. There are three people already here who must be
friends of theirs, and I start at the sight of a really pretty dark haired girl
on the couch. But she’s cozied up to a stocky guy with dark hair and I breathe,
they must be together. The smell of pizza and beer is in the air and everyone
is gathered around the TV watching the Panthers, drinking beer and cheering as
our team makes a great play.

“The pizza just got here, so we should dig in,” says Jared
gesturing toward the next room, the kitchen.

“Mmmmm,” Hannah says with a smile grabbing a plate from
Andy. I stand back as everyone else files into the room to grab their slices. I’m
feeling a bit like the weird third wheel or maybe the 7th wheel, I’m not sure. Jared’s
here, but what can I possibly say to him? He’s standing alone too, on the other
side of the room and shoots me a tiny look out of the corner of his eye. It’s a
kind of questioning look, serious, no grin. I’m not sure what to make of it. Maybe
he feels awkward too, like I rejected him or something.

Smells of pepperoni and cheese waft through the air and his
kitchen is kind of claustrophobic and small, so of course, suddenly, my nerves
kick on overdrive. I’m sober, no alcohol in hand yet. I feel my face begin to
flush as Hannah turns around to look at me, pizza in one hand, a beer in the
other. Andy is laughing about something with her but she catches my eye for a
moment and a worried look crosses her face. Apparently my face must look like
something is wrong. I school my features into bored indifference and give her a
quick smile. She smiles back and jerks her head in Jared’s direction. I get her
drift and finally make my move to get my own pizza.

Jared’s there too, grabbing his slices and the silence
between us feels so thick that I want to choke. My stomach feels like a
jack-hammer and my mind is suddenly racing. He finally looks over at me and
grins, as I grab a piece of pizza and the cheese slides off the top and lands
in the box.

“Damn,” I say, just standing there, not sure what to do. “My
luck,” I say as Jared jumps to action, handing me a fork.

“Hey, do you want something to drink?” he asks as I scrape
cheese off the box and onto my plate.

“Sure, what do you have?” I reply, not looking at him,
pretending to focus on the naughty cheese.

“Beer or wine,” he says, holding up a winter brew and
pointing to a bottle of red wine.

“Hmmmm…I’ll try the wine,” I say, finally putting my
attention on his face. He looks serious, his face and body so utterly perfect
that I just want to cry because I walked out. The memory of how his body felt
and his kisses and where his hands had been makes me blush and turn away,
afraid that it’s obvious what I’m thinking. Jared doesn’t seem to notice,
popping the cork from the wine and pulling out a glass from his cabinet. Once
I’m supplied with wine and pizza, we silently make our way into the living
room.

“I guess introductions are in order, or else I'm a big
jerk,” say Andy, grinning broadly.

“Victoria and Hannah, this is Seth,” he says gesturing
toward a thin, very lanky guy with light brown hair, glasses and a silly smile.
Seth gives Hannah and me a small wave and I nod back with a smile. “And this is
Ian and Samantha,” he says as I move my gaze to the beautiful girl with dark
skin and a huge white smile and a short stocky guy with black hair and a
lopsided grin that reminds me of Jared. “Oh and Ian is our cousin,” says Andy
throwing Hannah a smile.

“Nice to meet you all,” Hannah and I say in unison and I’m
feeling embarrassed to be the center of attention of this little group of
upperclassmen, so I quickly take a seat next to Hannah on the couch. We’re both
somewhat younger than everyone else and are quiet as the rest of the group
starts talking and laughing.

“The Panthers are gonna win this one, I can just feel it,”
says Ian turning his hat in his large hands.

“Ian is obsessed with the Panthers,” laughs Andy grinning at
Hannah and me.

The conversation floats on around me as I discreetly begin
to pound my wine so that its calming effects will soon take over my rapidly
spinning mind and tightly clenched stomach. I’m starting to focus inside my own
head on my thoughts of doom.
You should be afraid, you’re going to make a
fool of yourself in front of these older kids, and then you’ll be sick and have
to use Jared's bathroom
. My stomach grips itself into a ball and I break
out into a cold sweat. It’s so easy for me to make myself sick. In two seconds
flat I can go from sedate calm to belly clenched flu-sick. I imagine the car
commercial…
’The Victoria model can go from calm to self-induced racing heart
and roiling stomach in .06 seconds flat. She’s amazing!’ Faaaccckkk!

I’m trying to eat my pizza but my leg is jiggling under my
plate and I can’t seem to hold still. To make matters worse, my glass of wine
is almost empty and I feel like I just swallowed a handful of nails or tacks
instead of wine and pizza and someone has just taken a hammer to those nails.
Oh
God, don't let this happen now. I can't deal with this. I can't cope.
I try
desperately to stop the chain reaction of feelings that are coursing over me. But
I can’t control it and my heart beats faster and I quickly drain the rest of my
wine. I’m trying very hard to avoid looking over at Jared too, staring dumbly
at the TV, focused solely inside my own freakish head. What if I embarrass
myself again in front of him? He already thinks I’m weird.

Thing is, it would all be over if I could just get my mind
off the fact that this would be a terrible time to do something stupid or to
embarrass myself! I look around for the bathroom, afraid that I might have to
use it if the sensations get any worse. The door is off the living room and not
in a private place at all. And everyone in the room would know if I got sick
now. The thought is terrifying. I try to distract myself by discreetly studying
the room. It’s a guy’s apartment, no doubt, ‘cause there isn’t an ounce of female
style here. The living room features old furniture, a stained coffee table,
some kind of hippie wall-hanging with a colorful pattern and sports posters.

But this study doesn’t last long ‘cause I’m unable to pay
attention to anything other than how I’m feeling inside. I keep scanning over
my body feeling every sensation, dreading every sensation, clenching my hands
together in agony as my stomach twists and turns inside me. No one else knows
what’s going on. I’m a crazy person losing it in a sea of normalcy and
oblivion. I’m terrified of embarrassment.
Please, Victoria,
I beg,
focus
on the conversation
. I will myself to listen to what Samantha is telling
the group about her history professor.

“He's hilarious,” Samantha says, “and older than God! I
almost dropped the class because I couldn't stand listening to him mumble on
and on about whatever he wants. He doesn't even focus on the material, it's
incredibly frustrating and I honestly think he has dementia or something!”

“Is that Herrington?” asks Andy.

 “YES!” she says, “You've had him before?”

“Yeah, he's ridiculous! You've got to get him talking about
technology! He'll never shut up and keeps rambling on and on about how things
were better before, blah blah blah, it's pretty funny,” he says trying to catch
Hannah's eye. “What's your major Hannah?” he asks.

“I'm a nursing major,” she says smiling at him. “I've always
loved helping people and nursing just seemed like the right fit. Plus I've
always been interested in human biology and diseases and I'm not squeamish
about blood!” she says laughing. “What's yours?”

“I'm a photography major,” he replies, “with a minor in
studio art. I got all the artsy genes in this family, while tough guy over here
got all the science and math genes which are probably gonna make him a lot more
money! Although photography isn't all that bad if you play your cards right and
open your own studio.”

I’m trying to focus my attention on the conversation but
it’s really difficult. I keep slipping back into my spinning thoughts, my sick
body, my mind blowing crazy mantra.
Something bad is going to happen
. I
am going to literally be sick and everyone will know or I’ll have to leave and
will embarrass myself trying to escape! The sheer agonizing panic is taking
over now, sensations that wash over my body making me searing hot with
embarrassment and discomfort.
I need to leave immediately
. I begin
searching for an easy way out, scanning the small room, the doorway to the
outside, trying to come up with some kind of excuse for why I need to leave
right now. What’s a good excuse that won’t make me look insane
? I feel sick,
my mother called and I need to leave, oh God, I can’t come up with anything
good!
I’ve got nothing…no good excuse and will make a huge fool of myself. Suddenly
Jared turns to me, startling me from my thoughts.

“Do you want another glass of wine, Victoria?” he asks. “Come
with me while I get you one,” he grabs my hand and sends tremors through my
body with his touch. He pulls me up off the couch and manages to get a tiny
strained smile from me. I can’t believe he’s speaking to me, but to be
distracted at all right now is enough. We make our way into the kitchen where
Jared grabs the wine bottle and pours me another glass. “Here,” he says, “are
you alright?” he asks, studying my downturned face.

“I'm alright,” I say, trying to mask my discomfort with a
wavering smile. My stomach is really hurting me.
Don't let me be sick now!
I scream inside.
Think about other things. You will not embarrass yourself,
Victoria! Smile, try to act normal, don’t let him see the truth that you are
totally crazy!

“Are you sure?” he asks. “I'm a pretty good people watcher
and I can tell that something is bothering you. Besides I’ve had nothing else
to do out there, but look over at you and see that you look upset.”

I’m surprised, most people only care about themselves and
yet Jared noticed that something was going on with me. I’m not sure what to
say. I’ve never felt comfortable telling anyone the truth about my crazy
problem because I know instinctively that they won’t understand and will judge
me.

“I just don’t feel very good tonight,” I lie (
sort of,
omission of the truth
), holding my stomach with one arm as I sluice the
wine down my throat with the other.

“The wine will help, thanks,” I say enigmatically.
I
can’t believe I’m talking to him and still I have nothing to say! Stupid betch!

“Okay,” he replies, nodding, clearly not entirely satisfied,
but willing to take what I am saying at face value. We make our way out into
the living room and I take a seat in an arm chair next to the couch while Jared
sits with Hannah and Andy. Suddenly I start to feel a bit better. My stomach
relaxes and the wine is finally starting to warm me with hazy happy thoughts.

Time passes quickly then as I unwind and finally laugh and
talk with Jared and Andy's friends. They are a great group. Samantha is smart
with a sharp wit, always making everyone laugh while Seth is hilarious in his
own dry way, at first seeming like a strange down and depressed person when
really all his dry comments are his way of joking. Ian is a really great guy
too, telling Hannah and I stories about Andy and Jared's childhood. I’m so glad
that I’m finally able to get outside my head and join in.

A little later, Andy asks if anyone wants to get “altered.” I’m
not exactly sure what that entails, but Seth, Ian and Samantha seem like they
are definitely down with the idea. I watch with interest as Andy pulls a
plastic bag out of his pocket filled with hard dense looking little nubs of a
plant substance.
Weed
, I think, recognizing the drug from several high
school parties and a few of my friends who smoke. I’ve never smoked it
personally because I’m not entirely sure what happens to you when you do and
I’m afraid of losing control. Now, however the idea is somewhat appealing to
me, to try something new, to be daring. I watch as Andy pulls out a blue-green
swirled glass pipe and a lighter and begins to pack the plant firmly into the
bowl.

“Wish we had that old gravity bong from your room,” drawls
Seth with a sly grin. “Old faithful,” he says with a laugh.

“Yeah that old nasty bucket of water and cut off soda bottle
is pretty sexy,” says Samantha, grimacing for a moment before she admits the
truth. “It works pretty freaking well though,” she laughs. Andy laughs too,
looking over at Jared.

“Someone here doesn’t approve of my home-made smoking
device,” he says, poking Jared in the ribs with his elbow. Jared frowns and
then breaks into a smile.

“Wouldn’t want to hold you back from your illegal drugs baby
brother, I know how you need them.”

“Jared doesn’t smoke that much,” says Andy in reply to the
silent questions he can see in Hannah and my eyes at their brotherly banter. “He
doesn’t ‘approve,’ although that doesn’t always stop him from partaking in the
Mary Jane himself,” he says, teasing. Finally he’s finished packing the bowl,
lights the moist weed and pulls a long draught into his lungs, holding it there
until he starts to cough.