Another Man's Baby (8 page)

“Why are you worrying about it now? Why are you here?”

Eric sucked in a deep breath, then another, and exhaled before answering. “My wife wants a baby.”

“You don’t.”

“I promised her before I went over there the first time that we’d have a baby when I came home for good.”

“You’re feeling pressured?” the doctor asked, then put his hands under Eric’s testicles and ordered him to cough.

Damn, how Eric hated this, having a man touch him, especially while asking him such personal questions. Eric could barely stand still. He wanted to yank the doctor’s gloved hand from between his thighs. He gritted his teeth, not answering, waiting until the man was finished with his prodding.

“There, all done. I’m going to order a few tests just to make sure you’re in good health. In the meantime I’d like to start you on a lose dosage antidepressant, just enough to take the edge off.”

“I’m not depressed.” Eric narrowed his eyes. “I didn’t come here for you to screw around with my head. I came because I’m having a problem making love to my wife. What I mean is, it’s taking me longer to get there, both before and after.”

“I know that.”

“Then why are you ordering me pills for depression? I’m neither depressed nor crazy.”

“And you’re not having a problem achieving or maintaining an erection so the odds are it’s nothing physical. You tell me, Lieutenant, what else can it be?”

He wrote the prescription, then handed it over to Eric. “Look, it’s your decision; fill the prescription and either take it or don’t take it. It’s your choice, but what will it hurt?  You can come back and tell me it didn’t work.”

Eric grunted his thanks, folded the script and put it in his shirt pocket.

“Now that that’s done, I want to ask you a question. Aren’t there any urologists in
Chicago
?”

Eric remained silent, knowing the doctor was on another fishing expedition.

“I would think there would have to be a few. After all,
Chicago
is a huge city and there are a dozen large suburbs surrounding it that have more than competent doctors.”

“I don’t know, I didn’t check. Like I said, a friend gave me your number.” Eric was looking at the doctor, wondering why he was asking so many damn questions. He’d broken no law in seeking treatment outside the state of
Illinois
.

“Still, why come to
Indiana
?”

“I’m originally from
South Bend
, I know the area. It’s not that far away.”

“But far enough.”

“Yeah, far enough.” Eric shook his head, then smiled slightly. “Why did you go to all of this trouble? Why didn’t you just do the exam, and let me find a psychologist on my own?”

“Like I said, I was in the Vietnam war. No one thanked me for going. No one asked if I had issues from having been there. To this day I sometimes have nightmares about it.” He shrugged. “Believe me, I’m not just being nosey. I don’t ask nearly this many questions of other patients and not even of soldiers when it’s not during some war. I want to do all that I can to help the troops. Believe me, you’re not the first soldier to come home and have this problem. You’re not even the first to cross the state line to see me. Lieutenant, you’d be surprised at how many soldiers I treat from the
Chicago
area.”

Eric couldn’t help laughing. “Is that what you think of automatically, that we’re all depressed?”

“Not necessarily depressed but post traumatic stress. You wouldn’t be human if killing didn’t affect you.”

Eric’s head shot up and his eyes narrowed as he glared. “I never told you that I personally killed anyone.”

“You didn’t have to. Listen, if the problem persists make another appointment and we’ll try something else. While you’re here I’ll send the nurse back in to draw some blood. Is that okay?”

Eric looked at the man, at the compassion and knowing in his eyes. He accepted the hand that was offered and shook it.

“Have faith.” The doctor smiled as he closed the door behind him.

Chills followed the man’s remarks, and Eric was left staring at the closed door. Those were the very words that had haunted him the last few months he was in
Iraq
and had haunted him since his return. Why had his life been spared?

C
hapter Six

The bottle of pills felt like lead in her hand. It was obvious Eric was hiding them from her. Gabrielle glanced at the
Indiana
phone number. Antidepressants. She bit her lips, wondering what on earth had happened to her husband in the year he’d spent away from her.

She thought of the way they were now, the way they had been for almost nine years, before his last tour of duty. This was nothing like it. The war had changed them and their relationship. The first two tours had been seven months each. Gabi didn’t know if it was the fear that had kept them connected, knowing he was more than likely going to be sent back, or the fact that they needed to value every second of Eric’s leaves. Now that the year long tour, the thing they’d dreaded was over, and Eric was home for good, things were out of sync. As much as they still loved each other, Gabrielle didn’t know if it would be enough.

She checked the negative pregnancy strip and for the first time she heaved a sigh of relief. Maybe it was best that she couldn’t seem to get pregnant. The rational part of her brain knew they didn’t need a baby right now.

Sure, their lovemaking had improved. Their social life was even getting better, but Gabi could tell Eric was playing a part for her, pretending to be having a good time, joking and making small talk with their friends. But the times when she’d catch him with empty eyes and a lost look nearly tore her heart out. Trying to talk to him was proving nearly impossible. He kept saying he wanted to forget. But all he was doing was shutting the door on her and pushing her farther away.

Gabi looked down at the pills. And now this, she thought, another secret. He should have told her about this. Just the fact that Eric had bothered to leave the state of
Illinois
and cross over into
Indiana
told her that he was trying to keep it a secret from her. She was a nurse, for heaven’s sake. Couldn’t he, shouldn’t he, be able to talk this over with her?

“Why are you prying around in my things?”

“Prying?” Gabi turned to face her husband, holding the pill bottle in her hand. “I wasn’t prying.”

“Then what happened, the pills just appeared in your hand?”

“I was putting away your underwear. I’ve always done that since we’ve been married. What’s the problem now with me doing it?”

He stood watching her, the look on his face unreadable “Eric, what’s wrong? Talk to me.”

“Why does everyone keep insisting I need to talk? I don’t. Why aren’t you ever satisfied? You were pissed we  weren’t having sex often enough, so I went and got some pills. For the past two months I’ve been using them and, we’re having sex more often. Now what’s your problem?”

“I wasn’t aware that you needed help in order to touch me. I didn’t know making love to me was such a chore.” Gabi saw him flinch. At least he had the decency to be bothered by his choice of words.

“Eric, did you forget I’m a nurse? These pills don’t help with your prowess; maybe if they were Viagra.” She tried to smile to take some of the sting away from her words, but the knowledge that something was very wrong prevented her from it.

“The doctor didn’t think I needed Viagra.”

“I was only kidding.”

For a long moment neither of them spoke. Then Eric spotted the stick she’d used to check to see if she was pregnant and he frowned. “It’s negative?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

“Don’t you…?” She stopped. He was right, it was good they didn’t have to worry about that. “I can’t keep doing this.”

“Doing what?” Eric asked, tilting his head to the side.

“This, us, not talking, snapping at each other, not trusting, lying, making love as though it’s…”  She looked at him. “I can’t keep doing this.”

“What are you saying?” Eric crossed the room and sat in the chair, waiting for her to speak.

“I’m scared, baby, you’re so different. Half the time you treat me as though you hate me, as though I’ve done something to offend you. You’ve changed so much, you’re almost mean and it’s scaring me.”

“I was in a war.”

“And now you’re not.”

“It’s not over.”

“I know that, but you behave as though you blame me for the war. I didn’t start the war. I didn’t give you orders to go. Sure, you were the one over there fighting, but I was the one over here praying, begging God to spare you. I was the one dreaming of you being in danger.

“You never told me.”

“You never let me tell me. You have no idea what I was going through here. I’ve tried to be sympathetic to your feelings but it’s getting to the place where I don’t know what to say. I never know what kind of mood you’re in. It’s like I’m trying to walk on eggshells without causing a crack. I can’t do it anymore.”

“Do you think I’d hurt you?”

“Maybe not physically but you’re killing me just the same.”

“How, Gabi? Just because I went to see a doctor on my own, because I thought I needed a little something to help me cope?”

“It’s not your need to see a doctor or to take an antidepressant; it’s your need to hide it from me. We never hid anything from each other before.”

“A lot has happened, Gabi. Be glad I’m keeping it all inside.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t.”

“What should I do, unburden myself and burden you with it? Would you like for me to give you the nightmares I’m having?”

“Yes.”

“No, you don’t mean that. You only think you do.”

“My shoulders are wide enough, try me.”

“Why can’t you stop picking at it? I’ve told you a thousand times it has nothing to do with you or our life together. I love you, that hasn’t changed.”

“But you have.” She stuck the pills back in the drawer and started for the door. Eric’s hand on her arm pulled her back. “Eric, don’t you know I’m aware you’re pulling out?” His lids shuttered and closed.

“I’m trying.”

“I know you are,” she answered.

“Just give me some time.”

Gabi licked her lips, and closed her eyes, willing away the tears. She wouldn’t use those on her husband. “I’ll start dinner, okay?” she said, taking her hand and removing his fingers one by one from her arm. “I haven’t been taking the pills.” She saw the look of fear in his eyes. “If you want to make love to me, you will not pull out anymore.”

“You can’t force me.”

“And you can’t force me not to try and hold on to the best of us.” She took a deep breath. “Eric, please talk to me before we get in trouble. I don’t like what we’re doing to each other, lying, playing games. This isn’t us. I don’t want us to destroy all that we’ve built. Do you?”

“No,” Eric answered, “I don’t want to lose us. Just hang in there with me, baby, have my back. I need you.”

“I’m trying to have your back, but I need you too. Try to remember that, okay?” Gabi walked away feeling dejected. She was trying, she really was, and telling Eric the truth about the pills had taken that boulder from her shoulder. She shivered as though a cold wind had kissed her cheeks. One tear fell from her eye and made its way down her cheek. For the first time ever she wondered if her marriage would last.

“
Have faith.”

I can’t
, she mentally answered the voice, wondering if it were really her guardian angel that kept telling that to her. It wasn’t like she was a bible stumper. She’d not been to church in years. She’d prayed more during the times Eric was in
Iraq
than she had her entire life. And it looked as if God had not heard her or she’d prayed the wrong prayer. True, he’d come home alive but he’d not come home whole. They were both trying but the strain was taking a toll.

***

Eric took from the drawer the bottle that Gabi had replaced. He held it for a moment, then flung it against the wall so hard it cracked and pills spilled out onto the wooden floor.

He was a marine, damn it, a man. He shouldn’t have a need for this nonsense. He could imagine the disgust his wife was feeling now finding out his weakness. And if the sight of the pills alarmed her, how in the hell could he ever tell her the need for them? He knelt on his knees and crawled across the floor to retrieve the pills, hating himself as he did so, shame filling him when he caught his reflection in the mirror. He should be kicked out of the corps for this. He wouldn’t blame Gabi if she stopped loving him. He hated crutches; it was a weakness.

Eric popped one of the pills in his mouth and swallowed it without water. He closed his eyes, a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach warning him what was coming. The sinking flowed into his chest before he swallowed another. With a heavy heart he went into the bathroom, tore off and wadded a handful of toilet paper, wrapped the pills in them and went to his closet and stuffed them in the pockets of his dress blues. The shattered plastic container he threw in the wastebasket, making sure to keep it in plain sight so Gabi would see it. Eric closed his eyes against the knowledge that he was adding another lie on top of the ever growing pile.

His gaze fell on a lone pill he’d missed. He bent to retrieve it, thinking of the reports that had come across his desk a few hours earlier. Ten more marines killed.

A knot formed in his belly, Eric wiped the pill against the side of his pants and popped it in his mouth. He didn’t need dinner and he didn’t need to look at the pity or the tears in his wife’s eyes. He needed to sleep, to escape. He lay across the bed and gave in to the heaviness of his spirit.

***

For ten minutes Gabrielle had been calling off and on for Eric. His not answering her was rude and she was irritated. She didn’t hear the shower running so he couldn’t use that as an excuse. Gabi didn’t want to eat dinner without him. She wanted to be with him even if he wasn’t the best of company. She was hoping eventually he would break down and allow her in.

The fact that he was sprawled across the bed asleep didn’t really surprise her, but the fact that he was still in uniform did. He was such a stickler for everything in its place, a by-the-books guy. His lying there as though he didn’t care was definitely not the norm. She sat on the bed beside him, glancing at the wastebasket and the now destroyed pill container. She’d not meant for her husband to throw away the pills, not if he needed them. She only wanted to be kept in the loop.

“Eric, wake up, baby, you need to eat.” When he didn’t move she lay next to him and started crying softly. She didn’t know how to fix the problem because she didn’t know what the problem was.

Suddenly her husband was holding her, murmuring to her, telling her how much he loved her. She looked at him; he was still asleep.

“Gabi, I’m coming home to you, baby, I promise.”

“Eric,” she said, shaking him, determined to wake him. He was scaring her. “Wake up.”

“Don’t worry, baby, I love you. I’m coming home and we’re going to start our family.”

She looked at him as the tears ran down his cheeks. God, what happened to him there? She kissed him, held him, and his eyes opened.

“Baby, what’s wrong,” he asked. “Why are you looking so sad?”

“I’m scared. You’re talking in your sleep and I’m scared for us. You won’t talk to me. Tell me what happened. I don’t know how to help you if you don’t tell me.”

Sobs tore out of her husband so loudly that it frightened her. She’d never seen him cry.

“Eric, talk to me.” She held him in her arms. “Tell me what’s wrong, what happened.” He was holding her so tightly that she could barely breathe.

“Gabi, why me? Why did I live?” He shook his head. “There was so much blood, I couldn’t help them. It was my job to look out for them, to keep them safe and they died. Why didn’t I? I was thinking of you, how much I loved you. I was daydreaming about making love to you. I should have been doing my job. But I was saved anyway. I don’t know the answer and it’s killing me. I have to find the answer.”

“The answer to what?”

He was crying, the tears falling into her hair but his face was blank. Then Gabi realized her husband was still asleep or at least he wasn’t awake in the normal sense. She glanced down at the broken bottle as fear clutched her. She rooted around for pills, swallowing her panic.