Another way (6 page)

I laughed. “I don’t know. I’m twenty-four, you know. I’m just living my life for a while.”

“I’m only twenty-five.”

“No fucking way,” I shifted again, causing him to wince as I put all my weight on his thigh. I had no idea how we had gone eight months without me knowing his age, but it had obviously happened. “I thought you were older than me.”

“Thanks,” he laughed.

“Not like that,” I said, leaning back against the arm of the chair. “It’s just that you’re so sure of yourself.”

“I never went to college,” he admitted. “I joined my father’s company when I was done with high school and just worked my way up.”

I knew he had something to do with the technology industry, but we’d never spoken about his career at length. “Do your parents know you’re gay?”

He winced again. “Do they
know?
Probably. Have I ever come out to them? No.”

“That surprises me.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re so settled with your sexuality,” I explained, trailing a fingertip up and down his forearm.

“When I’m ready to actually settle down with someone, then I’ll introduce them to him,” Will said. “Until then, what’s the point in rocking the boat?”

We were quiet for a while, listening to the CD end, then the slight whirr-click as it changed to the next one in the player.

“I could probably pick a better moment to bring this up, but our contract is due to be looked at again.”

“Hmm,” I acknowledged his words, rearranging his arms around my body again. Our original, informal agreement was for about three months, then we had both agreed to a six-month contract to keep us going. It was a relatively brief document, outlining our responsibilities to each other, both our hard limits, and my safewords, but I felt a lot better about being with him knowing that I had that underpinning our relationship. Laura held a copy of it too; she knew everything that happened between us. Well, almost everything.

“Is there anything you want to change?” he asked.

“More time like this,” I said immediately.

“That’s up to you,” he said gently. “We usually have time constraints on our sessions, so I can’t spend a lot of time with you bringing you down again. I would love to. I did this a lot with my last sub.”

“Oh.” I didn’t like thinking about his previous subs.

“We can talk about this formally later. I just wanted to get a feel for if you had any problems.”

“Problems? No. I think, sometimes, maybe you could push me further.” This was a dangerous thing to say to a Dom, and I was aware of it. “Like more of what we did today. I need to be a submissive,
your
submissive, not just sexually submissive.”

“I can do that,” Will said with a wicked smirk. “Playing in public is still out, I guess?”

“Hard limit,” I told him. “I can’t risk Adele hearing about it, Will.”

“No, no, that’s okay,” he assured me. “How about me bringing in someone else for a session?”

“As a sub or a Dom?”

He thought for a moment. “My initial reaction was as a sub, but if you want to do a session with two Doms, I’m sure I could find someone who would agree to that. It would be a very tough session on you, though.”

I let the idea bounce around in my head. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m cool with that. Either way.”

“Okay. Anything else?”

“I don’t know. Edge play?”

Will hummed in discontentment. “I’ll do it, but only with a spotter. Nothing edgy with just the two of us up there.”

“That’s fine. More scenes? Not just sessions, but in character scenes.”

“Sure. Do you want another six months? Or something else?”

“Maybe….” I thought it over. “Six months is good for me. But on the condition that we can revise it if our circumstances change?”

Will nodded. “I’m scared that maybe I’ve changed our relationship in a way that we won’t be able to get back.”

“I’m not,” I said. “Didn’t I just agree to sign with you for another six months?”

“Yeah, but it’ll always be there. I can’t take it back.”

“Leaving Adele would be the hardest thing I’ve ever done,” I told him, letting him pull me close again. “My family expects me to marry her. Hell, I expected to marry her eventually.”

“What’s holding you back?” he asked. “Laura carried on a D/s relationship alongside her marriage. What makes you think you couldn’t do the same thing?”

“Adele is….” I struggled for the words. “She’s very vanilla, but that’s not really an excuse because Laura’s husband is too.
Vanilla
implies sexually; I suppose what I’m trying to say is that she’s very traditional. Old-fashioned. She doesn’t have very high aspirations for herself. She could make more out of the business if she wanted to, but I get the impression she wants to settle down and have children, be a wife and a mother.”

“And you don’t want that?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think it’s fair for me to continue to be with her, but I’m scared to leave.”

“I’m not going to comment on your relationship unless you ask me a direct question,” he teased. We were definitely just Will and Jesse now. Any other formal titles had gone out of the window with our easy conversation, even though his arms remained locked around my body.

“Should I leave her?” I looked up into his eyes, asking him the one question I wanted someone else to answer for me.

“Whoa,” he said, bringing his hands up in a gesture of surrender. “No comment. I plead the fifth. I can’t tell you to do that, Jesse.”

“Yes, you can,” I begged him. “Tell me to and I will.”

“And that’s why I can’t,” he said gently. “If I command you to leave her, as your Dom, then you’ll always have a voice in the back of your head wondering if things would have worked out for the two of you if it weren’t for my meddling. This is one decision you have to come to on your own, baby.”

“I know,” I sighed. “I don’t want to lead you on, Will, because I really don’t know what I want. Staying with Adele would be the easy option for me, and I might end up wanting that. Honestly. I don’t mean to hurt you, but at the same time you at least deserve the truth.”

Will leaned in and pressed his head into my shoulder. It must have been an uncomfortable angle for him, but I understood the gesture—he wanted me to hold him for a moment.

“I understand,” he whispered.

“I’m so sorry,” I told him, knowing that I was hurting him already.

“No, it’s fine,” he said.

“I just… I need some time.”

Will looked up at me and my heart clenched. “I can give you that,” he said seriously.

It was more than I deserved.

“I don’t want to ignore your feelings, though.”

He sighed heavily. “It was a moment of weakness, Jesse. I apologize and I won’t let you see it again.”

“I don’t want you to apologize for it. What we shared was possibly the most intense thing—” I broke off, not knowing how to explain it. “I want that again.”

“You can’t have us both,” he said gently. “I’m too freaking jealous. I can’t share you, Jesse, it’s not in my nature. Polyamory doesn’t suit me.” He smirked then.

“You’re sharing me now, aren’t you?” I argued.

“No. I’m not. You don’t give me any of your heart at the moment. None at all. And I don’t want a little piece of it, I want
all
of it. All of you.”

My heart broke again. I wanted that, too, with him, in this ideal fantasy world where things like that were okay. But I wasn’t living in a fantasy world. This was Seattle in 2010; one of the kinkiest cities in America, sure, but not the most liberal place on the planet.

“And I can’t give you all of me. Not at the moment. I’m sorry, Will.”

“Shh,” he said softly, his fingers gently kneading the back of my neck. “I’m being so selfish, I should be the one apologizing to
you
. I just want you to know that this part of our relationship can always be this way. As long as you’re my sub, I’ll put your needs first every time.”

“That’s not fair though—” I started, but he interrupted me with fingertips on my lips.

“That’s my responsibility. Anything else that’s going on is for me to figure out. If you’re happy and floaty and safe, then I’m doing my job properly.

“Anyway, come on,” he said, nudging for me to stand up. “I need to check I haven’t left bruises.”

“I feel fine,” I said honestly.

“I’m sure you do,” Will said, kissing my temple as we both stretched out the kinks in our muscles from being hunched down together for so long. “But it’s my job to check. I’ve got some stuff in the bathroom. Come on.”

“You’re so damn bossy,” I muttered as I followed, teasing him.

He laughed, a deep, throaty sound that was so genuine I couldn’t help but smile in response. He was so incredibly beautiful sometimes.

Will flicked the light on, and I blinked at the brightness of his bathroom. It was always so…
clean
in here.

“It’s around here somewhere,” he muttered, sorting through a wicker basket full of toiletries.

“Shit, you’ve got more potions and shit than Adele,” I said, feeling in a teasing mood now.

“You’re not beyond another spanking,” Will said, raising an eyebrow and wagging his finger at me. “Don’t tempt me.”

I only just managed to contain my laugh.

“Go on and drop your shorts,” Will said, turning back to me with a tube of something and folding his arms across his chest.

“Ooh, naughty doctor fantasy,” I smirked as I did as I was told and braced my hands on the counter, arching my back and looking over my shoulder at him. “Is this a good position for you, Dr. Anderson?”

“I don’t know what got into you tonight, but I like it,” he said as he gently ran his fingers over my skin. “Any tenderness?”

“Fuck. Yeah,” I said as he traced the line of the one hard cane mark. I remembered it well. “There.”

“I won’t apologize, but I will kiss it better,” he said, following through by inching his lips across my upper thighs, then licking away the soreness. “Oh, and you still can’t come.”

I was humping the air as all the blood from my head pooled in my cock.

“Why?” I was aware that I was whining.

“Because I’m your Master and I said so.”

I whimpered, then he spread the cool lotion on my ass, and I sighed in contentment. It really did feel better.

“Seriously, Jesse, I won’t apologize for these because they look really fucking hot, but you’re going to need to be careful for the next day or so.”

“It’s fine. Adele is majorly bitching at me at the moment, so I’m guessing she’s due on her period anyway.”

He laughed again. “Okay. If that’s what it takes, then okay. You’re all set.”

I pulled my boxers up again and turned to him, only noticing when I did how close he was. It felt right, so natural for me to wind my fingers around his neck, into his hair to tug his mouth to mine, then to capture his lips in a soft and hungry kiss. Will’s hands locked around my lower back and I sighed into his touch, warmed and aroused by the way he tasted, the way his body felt against mine.

Maybe I had an epiphany of sorts in his clean, white bathroom, with the too-bright light and the smell of arnica lotion coming from my warm skin and his—how easy this relationship could be. I had
fun
with Will. I enjoyed his company. He took me places and did things with me that no one had ever done before. I had never felt like this about anyone before.

I needed to stop before I fell in love with him, to make a decision before I hurt anyone. It was becoming clearer and clearer to me, though, as his tongue crashed into mine, that walking away from Will simply wasn’t an option.

Chapter Five

T
HE
night was long. I couldn’t sleep on my back because my ass hurt. I couldn’t sleep on my front because my nipples hurt—Master had used crocodile clamps on them in our session that afternoon, which had little sharp, biting teeth. I couldn’t sleep facing her.

I couldn’t turn my back from her.

The TV was no distraction.

Music hurt my head.

The Internet was full of porn, and my poor dick was so tired he couldn’t even wake up for a quick one.

I wanted Will.

I wanted Adele.

I needed space in a house that was so full of life and energy and my girlfriend that I felt suffocated, somehow. I needed, in short, to sort my shit out.

After watching the clock on the wall creep around in its never-ending circles for most of the night, I finally fell asleep sometime during the early hours, curled up in the recliner.

“Jesse.” I felt female hands on my face, a sweet smell and a soft voice jolting me awake after too little time in the nothingness.

“Hmm? What time is it?” I asked groggily.

“A little after seven. I was missing you.” Her fingers in my hair. “Come back to bed? We don’t need to be up for ages.”

I didn’t have work and neither did she until the night shift rolled around. I took her hand and followed her back to bed. Sheer exhaustion nudged me back to sleep with my head on my girlfriend’s stomach.

When I woke again, my face was sweaty from being pressed against equally warm skin, and I had to peel myself off Adele’s smooth, soft stomach to stretch out the crick in my shoulder. She was still sleeping deeply with her thumb lodged in her mouth, a habit she hadn’t broken since childhood. I’d always found it endearing, but now it made me worry how she would cope if I were to leave her. Her vulnerability scared me, and I knew that I’d have to do something to try and reconnect with her. Things between us had been too scattered.