Anterograde (18 page)

“Something
else,” Eli muses aloud. “Like what?”

Calden
shrugs and looks away. “No idea,” he lies.

Something
like,
You told Eli and he never wants to see you again
. His stomach
twists unpleasantly at the thought. He was so close to telling him, but now, it
feels like it would be a mistake. Ever since he woke up he’s been trying not to
think about it, but it looms over him. He missed his chance.

“Okay,”
Eli says slowly. “You got a promise from me today. Your turn. Promise you’re
not going to cover yourself in tattoos.”

Calden
isn’t going to do that, but he wonders why Eli would care if he did. It’s the
‘promise’ word that bothers him most, though.

“There’s
no point,” he says, more coldly than he meant to. “Even if I promise, I’ll
forget.”

“But
I’ll remember,” Eli replies without missing a beat. “And I’ll remind you.”

Calden
considers him for a moment, but before he can ask the question burning on his
lips, Leon is ready for him. Calden keeps quiet as the stark black lines of his
own handwriting appear on the inside of his arm. He’s still quiet when Leon
explains how to take care of the tattoo so the skin will heal properly; Eli
listens closely enough for the two of them. Only when they get into the car to go
back home does Calden finally ask, “How long until you tire of it?”

To
his credit, Eli doesn’t hesitate, nor does he ask what ‘it’ is exactly.

“About
as soon as I’ll tire of breathing,” he replies evenly.

Somehow,
Calden breathes more easily after that.

(
next chronological chapter
)

October 29
^th

Eli’s
coffee had long since grown cold, abandoned on the corner of his desk. He’d only
taken a couple of sips from the bitter roast the nurses favored and brewed in
their break room, too lost in his thoughts to even wish for sugar or cream.
Thankfully, he could adjust work schedules with only a fraction of his mind on
the task.

He’d
wanted to get out of the house for some fresh air after arguing with Calden,
but he wasn’t one for idleness, and he’d had too much of that in the past
months. Without realizing what he was doing, he’d found his way to the
hospital.

He gave
a start when his phone buzzed. He glanced at it where it rested on top of a
pile of forms he needed to file, half expecting, maybe even hoping to see a
text from Calden. He’d let Eli leave the house without a word, and hadn’t
called or texted him in the hour and half since. Eli was feeling increasingly
uncomfortable about that, especially given their argument. Calden wasn’t going
to hurt himself; he’d only been venting his frustration. As certain as Eli was
of that, it didn’t make it any easier to be away from Calden.

The
text wasn’t from Calden, although it did come from a member of the Hayes family.

He’s
back at that tattoo shop you two appear to favor. I’ll get him home when he’s
done mutilating his body again.

Eli
frowned as he reread the text. Another tattoo? What would this one say? What,
of the mess that today had proved to be, could Calden possibly want to remember
that much?

Two
knocks on the frame of his open door drew his attention.

“Hello,
Doctor Wright. Do you have a minute?” Petters asked, standing in the doorway.

Eli
didn’t even bother offering him a forced smile.

“Doctor
Petters. Please come in.”

Eli
supposed that politeness would have demanded that he clear the lone chair
across from his desk, which was covered in files he had yet to go through, so
that Petters could have a seat. He didn’t feel too inclined toward politeness,
however, not after the way Petters had acted toward Calden the last time they’d
met.

Petters
didn’t comment on the lack of seating as he stepped inside. He closed the door
behind him then stood there, both hands shoved deep inside the pockets of his
lab coat.

“Back
to work, then?” he said, his gaze sweeping the mess that was Eli’s desk. “We haven’t
seen you in here in a while.”

“If
that’s your way of complaining that I work from home, you are welcome to take
the matter up with Doctor Langton. He’s the one who authorized—”

“I
know he did,” Petters cut in on a placating tone. “I suggested it, in fact.”

Eli
raised an eyebrow at that. He hadn’t known Petters had a hand in it.

“You
got tired of doing my job?” he said dryly.

“That
was one factor,” Petters admitted without a hint of shame. “And tired of
fielding complaints about not putting in whatever accommodations you worked out
with the staff that I don’t know about. But mostly I thought you might need a
distraction every now and then.”

“A
distraction?” Eli repeated. “A distraction from what?”

“A
distraction from being a babysitter when you’re a fully qualified doctor. It
was bad enough that you decided not to perform surgery anymore, but this—”

Eli
stood abruptly, his hands fisted and pressed hard to his desk, ready to tell Petters
off, but before he could say a word, Petters cut himself off and raised both
hands, palms out toward Eli.

“Wait.
That’s not... It’s your choice, all of it, and I have no say in it. I know
that. I apologize.”

An
apology was the last thing Eli had expected. He was even more surprised by the
fact that Petters looked like he meant it. Still, he didn’t understand what was
going on here.

“Well,
as you can see, I have a lot to do, so if you had something to say…”

Petters
took a deep breath, and for a second he closed his eyes. When he opened them
again, he looked at Eli full on.

“I
wanted to ask your advice,” he said with a hint of formality to his voice.
“About Doctor Hayes.”

Stifling
a sigh, Eli sat down again. “What about him?”

“We’ve
always had what you might call a difficult relationship,” Petters said. “I
interviewed him twice when he came out of med school, and both times I gave a
negative assessment. I wasn’t the only one who thought he was too arrogant. Two
other administrators said no. And still, because of his father, he came to work
at the hospital.”

He
paused then, as though waiting for Eli to say something. Eli leaned back in his
chair, crossed his arms over his chest, and kept his mouth shut. How or why
Calden had been hired had nothing to do with him.

“His
arrogance didn’t change,” Petters continued, a hint of frustration sharpening
his words. “If anything it became more pronounced when he turned out to be a
talented surgeon. I tried to make amends when his father passed away, but he
wouldn’t hear me.”

“Is
there a point to all this?” Eli asked, not bothering to refrain from sighing
anymore.

“I’m
getting there,” Petters said. “I just need you to understand. First his father’s
death, then his addiction, then his illness. Every time I think I’d like to
start fresh with him and have a civil work relationship, something happens. And
now I see I was wrong. He’s still the best surgeon we have, and I was wrong to
think his condition would affect him.”

Eli
raised an eyebrow at him, nonplussed. “You want to be civil toward him?
Seriously? You keep bringing up his condition to him
and
to me even
months after he proved he’s still irreplaceable even on his worst days. Not
trying all that hard, are you?”

At
that, Petters actually winced. “That’s the thing, though. I’d apologize, but
what’s the point? He’d forget it just about as soon as I said it. I can’t even
imagine how hard that has to be on him. And on you, too. And then you both show
up here, and you act like nothing happened, like everything’s fine, and I just…
I don’t know how to act around him, all right?”

“You
don’t know how to act,” Eli repeated quietly, “so your answer is to antagonize
him?”

Petters
offered a humorless smile. “Like I said. I wanted your advice.”

For
a few moments, Eli observed him, trying to figure out what was going on in Petters’
mind. Petters didn’t have to say any of this, so he had to actually want to
improve things with Calden. Why didn’t matter much to Eli, but he did
understand how difficult it could be when Calden himself made little effort.
Even with Eli, he didn’t always rein in his temper—as Eli had experienced
today.

“Advice,”
he said finally. “Okay. If you’re really sorry, then tell him. Either he won’t
give a damn and shrug it off and you can just move on knowing he’d have
forgotten just as quickly if you’d said it six months ago, or it’ll actually
mean something to him, and he’ll put it in his diary to remember it. Either
way, you’ve said your piece and you can start treating him like you do any other
doctor. I can promise you that you’ll still find him just as annoying. But no
one ever said you two have to be best friends.”

After
a few seconds, Petters nodded. “All right. I can try that. And it’s not like he
doesn’t already have a best friend.”

He
inclined his head toward Eli at that. Eli nodded in response. With a word of
goodbye, Petters left the office, closing the door behind him, leaving Eli
alone once more with too many files and too many thoughts.

Although…
His mind was a little quieter now. Talking with Petters had reminded Eli that
Calden’s default mode when he was upset was to antagonize people. It was a
defense mechanism; Eli had figured that out early on in their acquaintance and had
tried not to let it bother him, the way it bothered everyone else. Calden
wasn’t going to change. He
couldn’t
change, really. That realization had
been one reason why Calden had been upset today. Being upset had been the
reason he said what he said. Eli had to let it go and move on, the same way
he’d advised Petters to do.

After
another hour or so, his office looked decent again, and the schedule for the
next month was ready to be submitted for approval. He was actually working
ahead for the following month—it was always harder to make everyone happy in
December—when his phone chimed again. As before, it was Lana. She was about to
drive Calden home.

Thinking
fast, Eli texted her back, giving her a different destination. Packing up took a
matter of moments. He met Samford in the hallway and shared a few words with
her, but soon he was on his way to his and Calden’s favorite café.

Lola
had been a lot friendlier recently, having apparently forgiven Eli the imagined
sin of dumping Calden, whom she was very fond of after he’d saved her sister.
After inquiring whether Calden would join him, she led Eli to their usual table
by the window and brought two home-brewed beers before taking Eli’s order. Just
as she walked away, Eli’s phone chimed. The text message was from Calden.

Sorry

Through
the window, he could see Calden on the other side of the street. Smiling to
himself, Eli sent a reply.

Idiot.

Get
in here already. I ordered for both of us
.

In
moments, Calden was seated across from him. He met Eli’s eyes briefly before
looking away into the street. Any further apology was unlikely, Eli realized, but
that was okay. He didn’t really need it.

“How’s
your mother?” he asked, just to say something.

Calden
shrugged and glanced toward Eli. “As annoying as ever. It’s good to see some
things don’t change.”

Eli
snorted quietly. Lana and Calden’s relationship was one thing that had not been
altered in the slightest by Calden’s condition, or at least not in any visible
way. Lana probably worried even more now than she had before, but she knew Calden
well enough not to show it.

“And
how was the hospital?” Calden asked in reply.

Eli
didn’t bother asking how he knew.

“Same
as always. I tried to catch up a bit on my filing. I did talk to Samford. She
said she’ll be working on repairing a heart defect tomorrow and could use your
help—”

Interest
lit Calden’s eyes at that, and Eli hurried to finish. “—but only after you get
a good night’s sleep. You’re on day three.”

Calden’s
mouth twisted in a grimace, and he looked out into the street again.

“I
know that,” he muttered.

Lola
brought them their food, exclaiming how nice it was to see Calden and how good
he looked. She’d picked up on the fact that something was off with him, though
she didn’t know what exactly, and always made a point to comment that Calden
looked well. It annoyed Eli just as much as it did Calden, but Lola was
oblivious to hints to stop.

They
ate in silence, although early on Calden’s foot found Eli’s under the table and
remained pressed against it for the rest of the meal. They were about done with
dessert—apple pie with a scoop of ice cream, Lola had insisted—when Eli’s
curiosity got the best of him.

“So,
what’s the new tattoo?” he asked, looking Calden over and trying to guess, with
no more luck than when he’d tried earlier, where the tattoo in question might
be.

Calden’s
answer came with a shrug. “Just something I need to remember,” he said before
trying to change the subject. “Are you done?”

“I’m
done,” Eli confirmed, “but you’re not. I know it’s something you want to
remember. Care to tell me what it is?”

But
Calden wouldn’t say. All the way home, Eli tried to point out that it was
silly; he’d see it soon enough. Calden remained unmovable. His stubbornness was
something else that hadn’t changed with his illness. He even tried to hide
after he’d undressed for bed, finally relenting when Eli gave him his best ‘you
can’t be serious’ look.

Deciphering
words from right to left wasn’t an issue.

Understanding
what they were supposed to mean, on the other hand…

Eli’s
legs felt a little weak, and he had to sit down on the edge of the bed. Still
standing, Calden watched him with an unreadable expression.

“That,”
Eli said, “is the stupidest thing you could have had inked onto your body.”

Calden
raised his chin, bristling. “It’s not. It’s something I need to remember.”

Eli
shook his head. “It’s not
true
, so it’s certainly not worth
remembering.”

“Well,
of course you say that,” Calden said, walking around the bed to climb in on his
side. “You’ve forgiven me. This time. And maybe next time you will forgive as
well. And the time after that. But there’ll come a day—”

“No.”

Eli
had heard enough. Turning toward Calden, he pushed him onto his back and knelt
by his side, looking down at him.