Anticipation (21 page)

“No. It wasn’t… We didn’t…” Blue trailed off miserably, painfully conscious of the fact that she was now beet-red and about as guilty-looking as a person could get.

Maggie held up both hands. “It’s okay. What you and Eddie do is your own business.”

“We don’t do. I mean, we haven’t before. I mean —” Blue realized she was only making things worse.

They’d both stopped walking by now and Maggie touched Blue’s arm. “Blue. It’s none of my business. If you don’t want to talk about it, we won’t.”

“Can you please not tell Rafel?”

“Of course not. Even though it’s going to kill me,” Maggie admitted honestly.

One of the many reasons Blue loved her so.

They resumed walking. Blue kept waiting for Maggie to break her self-imposed ban on talking about it further, but she remained silent, her expression pleasantly neutral. As though she wasn’t curious, and didn’t have questions, and wasn’t formulating a ton of theories about what may or may not have happened between Blue and Eddie.

“It just happened, and it’s never going to happen again, so there’s nothing really to talk about,” Blue said, unable to keep the words in a second longer.

They stopped walking again.

“Okay. If that’s what you both want,” Maggie said evenly.

Blue covered her face with her hands, overwhelmed by the warring impulses within herself: the need to put a lid on this thing somehow versus the desire to sift through what had happened with her friend until it made sense versus the childish urge to run away until this all blew over.

She made a frustrated noise, fingertips pressing hard against her eyes.

“Blue, it’s okay. I’m not judging you. And I’m definitely not going to tell anyone, including Raf. You have my word.”

“I think I made a terrible mistake,” Blue said through her hands. “I think I just screwed up everything, big time.”

“Because you and Eddie slept with each other?”

Blue nodded before letting her hands fall to her sides. Maggie’s blue eyes were warm with sympathy.

“Can I ask how it happened? I mean, not the specifics, obviously.” Maggie’s cheeks got rosy. She’d always been a good blusher. “Were you guys drinking or something…?”

“No. Not that much, anyway.” Blue hesitated for a moment, unsure how much to say. How much was too much. “Eddie and I… It’s always been there. We just never did anything about it. Ever since the accident, it’s been on my mind, and I haven’t been able to make it go away.”

Maggie nodded as though what Blue was saying made sense to her.

“I haven’t told you this, but the night of the accident, Eddie was a mess,” Maggie said. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone so upset. He was
shaking
, Blue. His whole body. Like a dog when it’s terrified of something.”

Maggie’s revelation made Blue’s eyes sting. She blinked rapidly.

“He adores you, Blue.”

“I know.”

“And you adore him.”

Blue could only nod.

“So maybe it’s not the worst thing in the world that this happened,” Maggie said, the corners of her mouth tilting up into a hopeful half-smile.

Blue knew where her friend was going — Maggie was a romantic and an idealist at heart. Of course she thought this was the beginning of something beautiful.

“How many girlfriends has Eddie had in the time that you’ve known him?” Blue asked.

Maggie looked surprised by the question. “I don’t know. I don’t keep a track of his private life. Enough, I guess.”

“Enough. That’s a good way of putting it,” Blue agreed. “He’s never been with one woman more than six months, Maggie. Six months, against ten years of friendship. Against a lifetime of being able to know I can pick up the phone at any time of the day or night and he will be there for me, no questions asked. No matter what.”

“You’ve thought about this a lot.”

“He and Raf are the two most important people in my life.”

“They’re your family,” Maggie said.

“Yes.”

“But I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you’ve never wanted to jump Rafel?”

Blue hesitated a second before she answered, and Maggie beat her to it.

“He’s like a brother to you.”

“He is.”

“But Eddie is something different. Something more.”

“No. He’s my friend. Except for a few hours last night, he’s always been just my friend.”

Maggie’s eyes were bright with compassion. “Come on, Blue. It’s more than that. I spent the first few months I knew you trying to work out whether you two were together or friends-with-benefits or something else I didn’t even have a name for.”

Despite herself, Blue couldn’t stop herself from asking. “What did you decide?”

“I filed it under
Yet To Be Decided
,” Maggie said.

Blue shook her head, rejecting the idea. “Don’t say that.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m not buying into some bullshit fantasy that Eddie’s going to suddenly transform from Mr. Temporary because it’s me.”

“You know, I don’t see him as Mr. Temporary. I’ve always thought Eddie was a man in search of something, and he hasn’t found it yet. Which is why he keeps trying to make it happen with these women who aren't right for him, getting into relationships that don’t pan out.”

Blue laughed incredulously. “Please tell me you’re not suggesting that
I’m
the thing Eddie’s been looking for?”

“I don’t know. You tell me.”

Blue shook her head, rejecting Maggie’s theory with every fiber of her being. “I’ve known Eddie for ten years. I’ve been drunk with him, high with him, sober with him. I have seen him at his best and his worst. I know him better than anyone else in the world, Maggie. I know who he is, what he’s like. He’s terrible at relationships.
Terrible
. But he’s great at friendship. I know that if I needed him, he would be there in a shot. No questions asked, no holds barred. I am
not
risking all of that for — at best — a few weeks of being in his bed. It’s not worth it. Not in a million years. I’d rather be his friend forever than his lover for a while.”

Maggie was watching her with a grave stillness and Blue belatedly understood how much she’d revealed.

“You love him,” Maggie said softly.

“Of course I love him,” Blue said quickly. “I love Rafel, too. Like you said, they’re family.”

“Blue.” The single word was an admonishment, a gentle spur toward honesty.

“I made my decision a long time ago where Eddie was concerned,” Blue said, looking away from the knowing light in her friend’s eyes. “I should never have let last night happen.”

“You know what I think? I think you and Eddie have been heading toward this for years, that it was inevitable.”

“God, you’re such a freaking romantic,” Blue said, trying desperately not to be swayed by Maggie’s words. The moment she started softening — hoping — she was doomed. “The real world doesn’t work like that, Maggie.”

“It does sometimes.”

“No, it doesn’t, Maggie,” Blue said, very firmly. “Trust me.”

Maggie looked as though she wanted to say more, but after a second’s hesitation she simply pulled her car keys from her bag and beeped the doors open.

They both got into the car, but before she started the engine, Maggie twisted to face Blue.

“Will you promise me something? Give Eddie a chance to be something other than what you think he is. Give him a chance to surprise you.”

“I don’t want him to surprise me,” Blue said. “I want things to be exactly as they’ve always been.”

Her voice sounded loud in the small space, highlighting the fervency beneath her words.

Maggie gave her a small, sympathetic smile.

“People don’t stand still, Blue, and neither does life.”

Blue stared at her friend. She’d said almost the same thing to Lena when they were at the beach house, and yet for months now she’d been ignoring her own advice, trying to recapture her pre-accident equilibrium where Eddie was concerned — and failing spectacularly.

But if she and Eddie couldn’t go back to the way they’d always been, where did that leave them?

A shiver raced down Blue’s spine as she stared into the unknown, uncertain future.

Maggie’s hand landed on her knee.

“Things will look better after cake,” Maggie said.

It was a fine idea, but Blue had the distinct feeling that no amount of cunningly prepared sugars and fats were going to cure what ailed her.

She’d activated a time bomb when she forgot herself on the dance floor last night. Now the only thing she could do was stand back and wait to see when and how it exploded — and how much havoc it caused when it did.

Chapter Fourteen

Eddie spent several hours tearing up the highway on the Ducati, the bike roaring and snarling beneath him, the combination of speed and gravity threatening to rip him from the seat. By the time he was done he was weary but calmer.

Raf was right. Eddie was going to talk to Blue, and this time he wouldn’t stand there like a petrified log while she listed all the reasons it wouldn’t work. This time he would make his own arguments.

Because they could be good together. He knew it in his gut.

He was tempted to simply ambush Blue by turning up at her apartment but he figured giving her a bit of breathing room might work in his favor. If she was anything like him, she was thinking about how good it had been between them. He could use that to his advantage if he got the timing right.

He had a sleepless night on Saturday and a restless day on Sunday. Monday morning saw him awake at five, staring at the ceiling. He tried to imagine how the day might play out, how Blue might respond to what he had to say to her — because he was talking to her today. He had to. She’d been in his head all weekend, and he needed to make his case, if only to get the words and arguments out of his head once and for all.

She might shoot him down in flames, of course. There was always that possibility with Blue. As Raf had said, she was incredibly stubborn. But there was no hiding from the intensity of their sexual chemistry. He knew he had that on his side, anyway.

He rolled out of bed and put his running gear on before going for a punishing run, pushing himself hard. He felt very focused by the time he let himself into the house.

He was still ahead of schedule thanks to his early start, so he stopped for doughnuts on the way in, ordering enough to keep the gang on a sugar high for half the day. Blue’s black sports wagon was in its usual spot in the lot behind the building when he arrived. He glanced inside it on the way past, noting that, like her apartment, it was pristine.

He heard people talking and laughing the moment he walked through the back door, the sound filtering out from the staff room. He recognized Steffi’s voice, and Hans, as well as Renarto’s. Then he heard Blue’s familiar tone. Without thinking about it, he increased his pace, chewing up the final few feet. Heads turned his way as he entered, and someone sent up a cheer when they noticed the doughnut box.

He only had eyes for one person. Blue stood at the sink, a mug in her hand, wearing a pair of jeans and a plain white T-shirt. Her eyes met his, and even though his heart was doing overtime in his chest, she looked supremely unaffected by the fact that this was the first time they’d seen each other since becoming lovers.

“Please tell me you got chocolate and raspberry,” Steffi said, snatching the box from his hands.

He forced himself to look away from Blue.

“I don’t know. I let the guy decide,” he said.

“I bet he gave us a bunch of duds,” Hans said, peering over Steffi’s shoulder to inspect the offerings.

Blue remained where she was at the sink, drinking her coffee, not saying a word. He shot a look at her, but once again her blue gaze didn’t give anything away.

“You want one of these before this plague of locusts eats them all?” Renarto asked.

Eddie focused on the box Renarto held in front of him.

“I’m good, thanks,” Eddie said, waving it away.

He pretended to listen to something Hans was saying while he watched Blue rinse her coffee mug and leave it to drain on the rack beside the sink. Her T-shirt was so thin he could see the shadows of the tattoos on upper her arm and chest, as well as the dark fabric of her bra. Even at this distance, he could tell it was black lace. An image filled his head — Blue’s full, pale breasts spilling out of midnight-black lace.

When she headed for the door, he forced himself to keep his focus on Yuri and not follow her with his eyes. The moment she was gone he started fighting a battle with himself. He’d planned to wait until after work before he talked to her. He was going to take her for a drink, then lay his cards on the table. But the urge to go after her
now
, to resolve this
now
, was like a fire in his blood. He’d been thinking about her all weekend, remembering what it felt like to be inside her, to have her in his bed. He wanted to know he stood a chance. He needed to do
something
, other than go over and over the same territory in his head.