Any Human Heart (13 page)

The strike is over. All a bit of an anti-climax, finally. I had just turned up at the police station (there were two armoured cars parked outside, soldiers standing around them with rifles slung) when Darker told me it was all over — ‘Government in talks with the TUC,’ had just been announced on the wireless (we really must get one: I think Mother would be mad for it). I handed in my helmet and truncheon but kept my striped wristband as a souvenir.

So the great strike is over and what do I have to say about it — this significant moment in our modern history in which I played a tiny part? I have no informed comment: my feelings during the nine days were ones of tedium interspersed with two moments of fear and shame. Why did I become a special constable? I did it unthinkingly, because everyone else at Oxford was determined to ‘do something’. Am I so frightened of the working classes? Is it the shadow of the Russian Revolution that makes Oxford’s young men volunteer to serve? Ironically, the lasting benefit to have come out of the whole affair will be a friendship of sorts with a working man — Joseph Darker. He’s invited me to tea on Sunday to meet his wife.

A letter from Dick. A train he was driving was derailed near Carlisle and two passengers were killed. Very ‘Dick’, somehow.

JESUS COLLEGE

Staying on in college to confirm next year’s lodgings. I liked the look of a place in Walton Street, not far from the canal, so I should be able to sort everything out with the bursar by Wednesday. I long to move out but Le Mayne counselled against it: ‘Not conducive to hard work,’ he said, adding ominously that in his experience undergraduates who moved out of college in their final year seldom achieved the degree they deserved. I tried to reassure him, said I was moving out because I wanted to work harder and that I found that the life around me in college was the distraction.

Yesterday, Land and I met up in Headington and cycled out along country lanes heading in the general direction of Stadhampton. She had a note for me from Hugh, apologizing for his behaviour (I suppose it’s not often you spit in the face of your sister’s friend) but still disapproving of my strike-breaking. We sat on the green at Great Milton and ate our sandwiches. It was clear from the way she talked that she’s still very set on Bobbie Jarrett. So I let her know, in a roundabout way, that I’d had a love affair’ myself — but it was now over. ‘A real affair?’ she asked. ‘As real as it gets,’ I said, in my best man-of-the-world manner.

Actually, Tess has saved me from Land (and from Lucy, come to that). Now that I have had a true and mature sexual encounter with another woman I can look at Land with new objectivity — without any danger of rosy mists of schoolboy passion rising to obscure the view. In this spirit I can tell that I am still attracted to her — I admit it freely — but if she prefers the Hon. Bobbie Jarrett to me then so be it.

We were free-wheeling down the hill by Garsington when there came a shout from a man standing on the verge. We stopped: it was someone Land knew, whose name, as far as I could make out was Siggy (Sigismund?) Clay.
¹⁴
He was carrying a sketchbook and watercolours and was wearing a rough tweed suit that looked about three sizes too big for him and was staying, it transpired, at the Manor. He was prematurely bald but had a wide upswept corsair’s moustache in compensation. He invited us back to tea — he would not take no for an answer (what they call a forceful personality). We wheeled our bicycles back up the hill and parked them at the front door of the house in the lee of one of the biggest yew hedges I had ever seen. He led us round to a rather beautiful stone terrace at the side with an arcade. From here we could see all the way to Didcot and below us were the gardens, sloping away to a reflecting pool, dotted with statuary and shaded by ancient holm oaks. Sigismund rang a bell and ordered tea from a housemaid, who told him tea had been served already and cleared away. ‘I demand tea,’ Sigismund said and it duly appeared with some sandwiches and half a fruit cake. While we consumed it, Sigismund pointed out the other guests to us as they strolled around the ornamental lake: Virginia and Leonard Woolf,
¹⁵
Aldous Huxley and someone called Miss Spender-Clay (no relation to Sigismund, he insisted, saying that he wanted to marry her as she was one of the richest women in England). Then Ottoline Morrell came out on to the terrace and berated Siggy-dear for ordering a second tea. ‘As meagre a second tea as you’ll ever encounter,’ he complained in turn (she seemed to enjoy his brusque remonstrations). I was introduced — she knew Land: whom does Land not know? Lady Ottoline wore a purple dress with a Paisley shawl and had vivid red hair. She was quite charming to me at first, said I must come again to Garsington, and asked me what my college was. When I said Jesus College she went blank for a second, as if I’d said Timbuktu or John O’Groats, then she recovered herself. ‘Jesus?’ she said, ‘I don’t know anyone at Jesus.’

‘Perhaps you know my tutor, Philip Le Mayne.’

‘Oh, him. I should change your tutor if I were you, Mr Stuarton.’

The other guests were straggling up from the lake by now and as they appeared I was introduced (by Siggy, who remembered my name) and so I shook the hands of the Woolfs, Huxley and one of the richest women in England.

This young man is tutored by Philip Le Mayne,’ Lady Ottoline said to Virginia Woolf meaningfully.

‘Ah, the sanctimonious spider,’ she said, and everyone chuckled except me. Mrs Woolf looked me up and down. ‘I’ve upset you, I can see. You probably revere him.’

‘Not at all.’ But before I could say any more Lady Ottoline said they must all go up and change. And so Land and I slipped away.

Movements: July — Deauville (with Mother and Mr Prendergast). Agreeable house, vile weather. Then London for a while — where we sweltered. August: to Dick’s place at Galashiels. Shot at many birds — hit none, I’m glad to say. Set off on my travels, Aug. 20th. Three days in Paris with Ben, then Vichy — Lyons — Grenoble — Geneva. Then to Hyères to stay with Mr and Mrs Holden-Dawes at a villa they had taken in the new town. Hyéres was very pretty with its castle and its palm trees but there were too many English. There is even an English vice-consul (an old army friend of H-D), an English church and an English physician. James, as I must now learn to call H-D, was his old wry self and imposed a ban on conversations about Abbey. Cynthia is entirely delightful: as a couple they seem very happy and their happiness was contagious — I don’t think I’ve spent a more relaxed ten days anywhere in my entire life. Cynthia practised at the piano in the mornings and I usually took myself off to bathe at Costabelle. They had a very good cook and we dined at home most evenings, talking, drinking, listening to music on the gramophone (very varied: Massenet, Gluck, Vivaldi, Brahms, Bruch). James says he will visit me in Oxford before I leave: I can hardly come to terms with the fact that my final year is about to begin.

Anyway the lodgings here are fine. I have a bedroom and share a sitting room and bathroom with a man called Ash who is reading Life Sciences. Consequently we have little or nothing to talk about and when he’s not in his room he is usually down the road at the Victoria Arms or off in a chemistry laboratory near Keble. Our landlord and his wife live on the ground floor below us — Arthur and Cecily Brewer. Mrs Brewer provides breakfast and the evening meal, luncheon has to be ordered twenty-four hours in advance and costs a 1/6 supplement. I shall not be happy here but I will be content.

In August Peter asked me to go to Ireland with him and Tess on a motoring holiday. I haven’t seen Tess since our last Sunday together and the thought of playing gooseberry to ‘Mr & Mrs Scabius’ was insupportable. I made an excuse but I think Peter is becoming a little suspicious. He asked me if Tess and I had fallen out in some way — ‘Every time I mention your name she changes the subject.’ I said, absolutely not, thought she was a super girl. I think about her now as I write and her generous, uncomplicated sexual nature. She has set something loose in me and even now it strikes me that the nature of your first, all-consuming sexual experience might determine your needs and appetite for the rest of your life. Will I spend years looking for another Tess? Will bitten-down fingernails always be a sign for me, a form of sexual bookmark?

Dinner at the George with Le Mayne and James Holden-Dawes. Cynthia was giving a recital in Antwerp, of all places, so the company was exclusively masculine. We were a bit guarded at first, I thought, and I felt there was a competitive, proprietorial mood in the air generated by the two others — who knew me best, to which did I owe the most, whence the greatest and most lasting influence? — but we were drinking steadily and after the soup and fish we began to relax. Le Mayne and H-D began to swap stories about mutual friends — this one an MP, that one an under-secretary of state, another gone ‘to the bad’. I said I was very impressed by the network of connections, the spymaster in Oxford with his myriad spies abroad, and H-D said, ‘Oh yes, the web Philip has carefully spun is much larger than most people realize.’ Then I remembered Virginia Woolf’s slight and related the encounter, telling Le Mayne about the hostility his name had provoked at Garsington. He was delighted to hear this — genuinely pleased — and he told us how the resentment had come about.

He had been invited up to Garsington on two occasions: the first time had been unexceptionable (‘I had been tested and I had passed,’ he said) but the second time — in 1924 — had been very awkward.

‘We were standing around waiting to go into dinner,’ Le Mayne said, ‘when from a group behind me I heard a woman say in a loudish voice: “No, I can put a pretty precise date to it: in December 1910 human character changed.”’

Le Mayne then turned to whoever was beside him and said, without thinking, ‘If you want a one-sentence example of fatuous stupidity you’ll not find a better one than that.’ And thought no more about it. Then he added, ‘No. I think, perhaps, I was somewhat more emphatic.’ Anyway, what happened was that these remarks were reported to Ottoline Morrell who, immediately — a true friend — relayed them to the woman with the loudish voice — Virginia Woolf.

‘She’d just given some lecture at Cambridge and was rather pleased with herself and was bandying this notion around to all and sundry. But suddenly I was persona non grata. At the end of the meal Keynes came up to me and asked me what I’d done to Virginia. Ottoline refused to shake hands when I left.’

I wondered why, as an eminent novelist, she reacted so badly to criticism.

‘Apparently she’s incredibly, neurotically sensitive,’ Le Mayne said.

‘It’s the kind of mind she has,’ H-D said. ‘The fundamental insecurity of the autodidact.’ He smiled at Le Mayne. ‘She probably thinks you’re too clever by half.’

‘The ultimate English put-down,’ Le Mayne said. ‘I plead guilty.’

So we went on to talk about intelligence and its multifarious blessings (Mrs Woolf taking a few more knocks on the way).

But you can be too intelligent, I said. Sometimes it’s not an asset, it’s a curse.

‘Think your way out of the problem,’ Le Mayne said. I didn’t agree but he wouldn’t let me off. ‘Don’t denigrate your brain-power, Logan. You’re lucky — you just don’t know how lucky you are: ignorance is not bliss.’

Then H-D turned the conversation to my future, a little too neatly, I thought, realizing there was some plotting going on. I said I wanted to finish my book on Shelley.

‘Do that in your spare time,’ Le Mayne said. ‘What about All Souls? You could try for a fellowship.’

I laughed that idea away and the meal became too bibulous for serious conversation. But as we were putting our coats on (Le Mayne was still in the dining room talking to someone he knew), H-D said, Think about it, Logan. Philip rarely offers such encouragement.’

‘You mean the spider wants one of his men in All Souls.’

‘Well, there is that, but it’s an idea all the same. He obviously thinks you’re capable. You don’t want to end up a sad old schoolmaster like me.’

‘But you’re happy,’ I blurted out, thinking of Hyères and his life with Cynthia.

He couldn’t help smiling. ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘I suppose I am.’

Ash knocked on my door this evening and offered me a bottle of stout. So we drank beer and talked. He was a surprisingly agreeable chap: it turns out he’s a golfer and also, incredibly, from Birmingham. He detests Oxford. His father is a circuit judge who insisted he follow in his footsteps. We talked for a good while, mainly about the Birmingham we both knew. Now he’s left, I feel unaccountably sad and can’t think why. But then I realize that all this talk of golf and Birmingham has made me think, unconsciously, once again, of my father.

I’m beginning to wonder if I’m ill. I find it almost impossible to concentrate. I can manage one day of sustained work — which is when I produce my weekly essay for Le Mayne. I cut all lectures and spend most of my time at the cinema. It’s as if it’s a drug — am I having some kind of nervous collapse? The rot set in at the end of last year and I wonder if I have some sort of lassitude disease. I feel not so much fatigued — I don’t fall asleep in the cinema — as deeply unenthusiastic and apathetic. Yet I look well and my appetite is healthy. Thanks to Ash’s example I’ve developed a taste for beer and I can often be found, most evenings, in the Victoria Arms supping ale. I prefer the frowsty anonymity of the public house to the seedy cauldron of Les Invalides and have let my membership there lapse.

Ash thinks it’s an intellectual malaise: I should never have read History, he says. True learning only occurs when you love the subject you are studying and then the acquiring of knowledge is effortless because it is also a pleasure. He talks a lot of sense, does Preston Ash. Le Mayne suspects nothing: the competent alpha standard essays roll off the production-line, but since I told him I wasn’t interested in All Souls I suspect he’s rather given up on me. Ash thinks my desire to please Le Mayne is also symptomatic. He’s probably right: why should I care about Le Mayne and his good opinion? To be honest, it’s because I have always rather feared Le Mayne.