Any Way You Want Me (26 page)

‘You’ve got a point,’ he said, his eyes crinkling with amusement.

I went to the bar. For once, I didn’t want something alcoholic. I’d been up half the night with Nathan, whose first tooth was indeed coming through, and I was feeling light-headed with tiredness. Plus, Alex had been right about how much we’d both been drinking. I felt the need for some time off the booze. So grapefruit juice it was going to be.

While I was waiting to be served, I had the distinct feeling I was being watched. Well, I knew Mark would be watching me; I was already leaning slightly forward, elbows on the bar, bottom sticking out just a fraction, as I knew it would be tormenting him. He seemed to have a thing about me bending over, but anyway . . . No, I knew that
he
was looking at me, but I sensed that someone else was, too, from a different direction.

I cast my eyes stealthily about. Nobody on my right had noticed me. And on the left . . .

There. I saw her. Brown eyes looking inquiringly across from the left, where the bar turned a corner. I knew that face. How did I know that face?

She lifted a hand in acknowledgement, smiled a brief smile. And then I knew. Oh fuck, then I knew, all right. It was Caroline from Lizzie’s sodding book group. Bollocking bollock shit fuck. Caroline, of the cropped hair and freckles. Caroline who was bound to report back to Lizzie, ‘Oh, I saw your sister in the Duke the other night. Sadie, is it?’ The cat was so going to be out of the bag now. I was toast.

I waved back, a frozen grin on my face. Don’t come over, I thought. Don’t come over.
Please
don’t come over.

She was coming over.

‘Hiya,’ she said. ‘I thought it was you. How are things?’

‘Fine, just fine,’ I gabbled. ‘You?’

‘So-so,’ she said, then sighed, a pained expression on her face. ‘Stressing about Claudia’s birthday party actually. You know how it is. I’ve got a face painter and a clown coming, plus I’ve hired a load of fairy costumes for her friends to wear, and . . .’ She pulled a face. ‘It’s a nightmare, isn’t it? Now I’ve just got to sort out a caterer. I don’t suppose you know any, do you?’

‘No, sorry,’ I said. ‘How old is she going to be?’

‘One.’ She was looking wistful. ‘My little baby’s going to be one. I can hardly believe it. It’s gone so fast. Simply whizzed by. Only seems a few minutes ago that I was holding her for the first time.’

‘I know what you mean,’ I said, automatically tuning into mum mode, although I was still trying not to giggle at the thought of a one-year-old having a catered fairy party complete with face painter and clown. Such a shame that she would have absolutely no memory of it whatsoever. ‘My youngest is six months now and I don’t know
where
the time has gone.’

‘Hello there.’

I turned to see Mark behind me. He was smiling at Caroline. ‘I should have known she’d be chatting to somebody,’ he was saying to her. ‘Sadie manages to make friends with everyone. I’m Mark, by the way.’

‘Caroline,’ she told him, smiling back at him, holding out a hand.

I felt a twinge of something – fear? irritation? – that Mark had invited himself into the conversation and, even worse, told her his name. ‘Mark is an old friend,’ I said quickly.
Don’t tell Lizzie about Mark
, I willed Caroline.
Whatever you do, don’t tell Lizzie!

‘Oh, right,’ she said. ‘I thought you two were . . .’

Mark had put an arm around me. ‘What, you think we make a good couple?’ His voice was light but his grip felt uncomfortable.

I faked a laugh and stepped out of his embrace. What was he playing at now?

Caroline looked at me, unsure of the right thing to say.

‘Mark, don’t be daft,’ I said. Bloody hell. Why had we come to bloody Balham of all places? ‘Anyway, nice to see you again, Caroline,’ I said firmly. Enough was enough. ‘Are you going to the next book group meeting?’

‘Yes, I should think so. The book looks rather . . .’ She lowered her voice, obviously concerned that Margaret’s spies would be out in the pub too. ‘Rather dull, but I’ll give it a go.’

‘See you then, then,’ I smiled, as brightly as I could. Now push off and forget we ever had this conversation, I thought, through gritted teeth.

She pushed off obediently and I gave Mark a hard look. ‘What was all that for?’ I asked.

‘What?’

‘You know. All that “Do you think we make a good couple?” stuff. It just made you look really weird, you know. Suspicious.’

He seemed amused rather than repentant. ‘I was just being friendly,’ he replied.

I kept staring at him with my best Paddington Bear stare until he looked away. There was friendly, yeah, and there was trying to screw things up for me. I was starting to think he was bent on the latter. ‘Let’s go,’ I said. ‘I don’t really want to stay here any more. Can we go now?’

‘OK,’ he said, still with that amused, unruffled air. ‘If you want to. I don’t think she thought anything of it, us being here, two friends meeting in a pub, but . . .’ He shrugged.
It’s your problem, Sadie
. ‘I don’t mind going straight to the main course tonight, if that’s what you want.’ He leaned in closer to me. ‘I’ve got a whole box of condoms with your name on it, Ms Morrison.’

He seemed so unmoved by the whole episode that I was starting to feel a little foolish. Had I made too much out of it? Maybe it wasn’t such a big deal. Caroline would have better things to talk to Lizzie about, after all, than bumping into me. She’d been so fixated by her baby’s Beckham-style party plans that I was small potatoes.

‘Come on, then,’ I said, pulling him along in an attempt at jollity. ‘I’ll show you my etchings and you can show me your condoms.’

By the middle of the week, I was starting to glow with smugness. ‘Blimey, look at you,’ Anna said when she came round for lunch with her kids. ‘You look absolutely amazing. You’ve lost weight. And you practically reek of wonderful sex.’

I smirked and put the kettle on. The girls had gone upstairs to play shops, and we were in the kitchen with the boys. ‘I’ve got wonderful sex coming out of my ears,’ I said, then giggled. ‘Oops, that sounds a tad dodgy. What I mean is, I’m having wonderful sex with Mark
and
Alex. I’ve kind of fallen in love with both of them.’

Anna shook her head. ‘I’m trying not to look envious but . . .’ she said. Then she leaned in curiously. ‘I’ve got to ask . . . Aren’t you knackered, though? Honestly, Jamie thinks his luck’s in if we have sex once a week at the moment. I just don’t have the energy for it other than that. And until Theo starts sleeping better, I can’t see me having a rampant sex-life ever again. Let alone with a bit on the side as well.’

‘Yeah, I have to say, I could do with a week of sleep,’ I admitted. ‘Oh, a week of sleep, I would kill for it. I think I’m coasting along on adrenaline. Any day now, there’ll be a crash and I’ll collapse.’ I spooned coffee into the cafetière. ‘But I’m loving it. It’s such a kick. Everything is balanced so brilliantly at the moment. Alex is being a darling, dead sweet and thoughtful. Mark surprises me every time I see him by being so sexy and outrageous. We ended up having a bit of alfresco on Clapham Common the other night.’

Anna snorted in amusement. ‘What, with all the MPs and rent boys?’ she sniggered. ‘Very tasteful, Sadie. It’s every housewife’s dream.’

‘You may scoff,’ I told her, pointing a teaspoon at her, ‘but it was bloody exciting.’

‘And cold and draughty and . . .’ She laughed at the look on my face. ‘Sorry. Ignore me. I’m jealous. I feel like a chaste old spinster next to you.’

I pushed down the plunger on the cafetière and then bent down to rescue Nathan. He’d been sitting up brilliantly for ten minutes or so, examining a particularly fascinating rattle, but had just collapsed sideways unexpectedly on the lino, and was now complaining loudly. ‘All right, babe,’ I said, kissing his hot head. ‘Come and help me make the coffee.’

‘So who will you choose then?’ Anna asked. ‘At the end of it all, who are you going to choose?’

I stared at her and leaned against the side. Now she’d mentioned it, I did feel exhausted. My whole body ached to lie down. ‘Who am I going to
choose
?’ I repeated. ‘What, between Mark and Alex, you mean?’

‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘I mean, you can’t carry on with both of them for ever. Sooner or later, something’s got to give. One of them will have to go.’

Her words seemed incredibly callous; I practically flinched. ‘Oh God,’ I said, pulling a face. ‘What an awful question. I can’t bear to think of either of them going. Can’t I choose both of them?’

Anna’s eyes were cool and amused. ‘I doubt it,’ she said. ‘It doesn’t usually work like that, does it?’

Who would I choose? Once Anna had asked the question, it played over and over in my head like a jumping CD. Who would I
choose
? I kept asking myself, but the answer continued to elude me. I had absolutely no idea. People kept on with affairs for years and years, though, didn’t they? I certainly didn’t have to make any choices right now.

‘It’ll have to be a quick one,’ I announced, arriving at Mark’s office later that evening. ‘Much as I’d like to be ravished by you for hours on end, I really must say goodnight to the kids tonight. They were a bit upset I wasn’t there on Monday apparently.’

‘Sure that’s not just Alex trying to make you feel bad about going out?’ Mark asked.

‘No,’ I said. ‘Look, don’t get all funny on me, I—’

‘How
are
the kids?’ Mark asked, interrupting me. ‘Nathan got that tooth through yet?’

We were both sitting fully dressed on his sofa. Suddenly, he felt too close for comfort and I had to inch away. ‘Well, no, not yet,’ I said. ‘Why?’

‘Just taking an interest,’ he replied. ‘Your kids are a big thing in your life, I know, and I’m interested, that’s all.’

‘Right,’ I said slowly.

‘So how’s Molly?’ he went on chattily. ‘Is she like you? Who does she look like? I’d love to meet her. Well, both of them obviously.’

I shook my head. ‘I don’t think so,’ I said. ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because . . . Because the thing we’ve got going is about me and you and fantastic sex and fancying each other’s pants off,’ I said, as gently as I could. ‘It’s not about my kids.’

No, but . . .’ He looked dismayed. He reached out to put an arm around me. ‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘I didn’t mean to upset you. I just want to know everything about you, that’s all, and—’

I shut him up with a kiss, full on the mouth. It was time to distract him. I didn’t like the way the conversation was heading. My kids were definitely out of bounds as far as Mark was concerned and that was non-negotiable.

‘Now then,’ I said, in my best businesslike manner. ‘Would you like to see what I’ve got on under this?’

I took his hand and started pulling down the zip of my top.

I leaned forward.

‘Not a stitch,’ I whispered into his ear. ‘Not a fucking stitch.’

Fourteen

The next morning Lizzie came by unannounced. This was absolutely unheard of. Normally, Lizzie’s weeks were planned so meticulously, with Felix booked in to a vast curriculum of different activities – music, gymnastics, swimming, art club, Spanish, pre-primary football etc – every hour of every day that there simply wasn’t any available window of time for spontaneous trips out.

I had been putting the kids’ coats on ready for a spontaneous trip to the park – my own week being slightly more haphazard – but when I opened the door and saw Lizzie’s face, I took them straight off again.

‘Come in. What’s happened?’ I said in alarm.

She stood frozen on the doorstep, not even watching Felix as he crept shyly past me into the front room.

I took her by the arm and led her inside. ‘Come on, Liz,’ I said. ‘Come and sit down. Is this about Steve?’

She nodded, and a single tear rolled down her cheek.

Oh,
no
.

‘Molly, why don’t you take Felix upstairs to play in your bedroom?’ I said in my falsest, brightest voice. ‘You could get the farm set out.’

Molly wasn’t fooled for a second. ‘No. Not go upstairs,’ she said. ‘We play here.’

‘Molly,’ I said, my voice edging over into a warning tone. ‘Go and play upstairs with the farm.’ Seeing her shake her head with such mute doggedness, I caved in pathetically, and added, ‘For a chocolate button.’

Felix turned to his mum with a thrilled expression, just as I remembered, too late, the no-sugar rule.

‘Oops,’ I said apologetically. Oh God, what was I like? Something awful had happened to my sister and I was making a complete mess of her son’s healthy, chocolate-button-free diet, just to put the sugar-free icing on the cake. So to speak.

She waved a hand, her eyes numb. ‘It’s fine. He can have one.’

I gave them a chocolate button each, feeling sick inside. Something truly terrible must have gone on. They’d split up. Steve had left her for Jessica. Jessica was up the duff with his baby. ‘Right, off you go then, you two,’ I said, shooing our children away. ‘And play nicely.’

I put Nathan on the floor at our feet where he rolled over onto his front at once and heaved his bottom in the air in an attempt to move. Oh, great. An early crawler, just what I didn’t want.

‘So,’ I said, grabbing Lizzie’s hand. ‘Tell me. Did you ask him about Jessica? Is that what’s happened?’

‘Yes,’ she said. Her eyes were red-rimmed and bruised-looking.
Bloody Steve
, I thought furiously.
How dare he do this to her?

She took a deep breath. ‘I asked him about Jessica. He said I was right. He said he was in love with her. He . . .’ She swallowed hard, as if the words were too painful to get out. ‘He said he doesn’t think he’s in love with me any more.’ Her voice broke as she was saying it. More tears slid down her cheeks, and I put my arms around her. ‘He said I’m . . . boring. Our relationship is boring.’

The nerve of the man! ‘He said
you’re
boring?’ I repeated incredulously. ‘
He
said that about
you
? What an arse!’

She wiped her eyes. ‘Apparently Jessica makes him feel like he’s twenty-one again,’ she went on.
I bet she bloody does
, I thought. ‘Whereas he says I make him feel middle-aged.’